to judge?

[MrsHuxtable]

I have this friend, well I work with her. We had our children within a couple of months of each other and her DS is now about 3 months old. I get really annoyed with her FB updates.

Firstly, and I guess this plays a lot into my annoyance, I know (because she told me) how her DS was conceived.
She met this guy 1.5 years ago and got together with him because he has money. No love involved, pure calculation. She already has one DD from a one-night stand. Anyway, from the first night, this new guy and her were not using any contraception (I don't think he was aware of this) and she clearly stated to me that she is trying to get pregnant so he marries her. After spending a weekend away with her and her DD, the guy asked her to please make sure she takes her pill regularly because he realised what it's like with a child 24/7 and he doesn't want a baby with her. Well, she didn't and sure enough got pregnant eventually. As agreed, they got engaged a week before the baby was born but no wedding is planned yet.

What annoys me more than this though is the fact, that the poor baby is getting passed around like an unwanted dog. She doesn't bf because it's too much hassle and from the day the baby was born, every day there are pictures on FB with some random (well, not really, but to the baby random) person giving the bottle. Since the baby was a few weeks old, they have also been going away for weekends a lot with the baby staying at grandparents and aunties houses. Last week, they were away for over a week abroad (also without baby) and since she's been back, she posted pictures of herself every single day being out with some friends in different cities while some other girls from our work have her baby. Not a single week has gone by, where I have not seen pictures of her DC on FB taken by some or another person watching this child while she is doing god knows what.

I get that some people have to give their babies into childcare because they have to work. But in that case, there is a trusted and familiar nanny, a childminder or keyworker in nursery.
But, this girl is on maternity leave. And instead of one person, her baby is just being cared for by whoever has time.

I can't help but judge her. Maybe because our children are so close in age and I see how differently my DC is being looked after.

AIBU?

but the fact that within 24hrs after the birth at least 5 different people were holding that bottle. Feeding, in whichever way, is bonding time for a newborn so surely should be shared by the parents One thing I learnt after dd was born at 36 weeks & spent 48hours in scbu while I was heavily sedated, is that it doesn't actually matter who fed her, as long as she was fed. She possibly had more than 5 people feed her in her first 72 hours. I was one, my dh another, my sister another & I am pretty sure more than 2 people would have fed her in SCBU. So on that, YABU.

Actually, out of all that, what annoys me is how HE put ALL the responsibility on HER to prevent pregnancy. He was happy enough to have sex with her, blindly believing that she was taking care of it. Happy to have his fun & none of the responsibility. He barely knew her & yet was happy to go condom-less for his own thrills!

They are as bad as each other. You don't trap someone into being a parent, but at the same time, if you don't want to be a parent, take measures to prevent that!

Perhaps they deserve each other. My only sympathies lie with the children.

And I'm not making this up, it's what she said word for word

I would be interested in how you know that, op! Did the daughter say it to you? Ever heard the saying "if you don't hear it with your own ears or see it with your own eyes, it probably never happened" in relation to this sort of thing?

My 8yr old told me I didn't love her a while ago. All I did was ask her to tidy her room. Kids do overreact.

I'm sure other people judge me too but that's life

No it isn't! We are all just mums trying to do the best we know how & NO ONE has any right to judge anyone, unless it includes beating children, then pass me the judgypants! It is far better the children have variety of babysitters in their lives than a mother who does something to harm them because she is stressed/can't cope.

and her exact words when they got together were "He will do." You know what OP, I have a wonderful friend. He is good looking, funny, charming, could have pretty much any lady he wanted etc. He met a woman years ago & throughout the course of their relationship often told me he didn't love her, would never marry her, was just waiting for miss right to come along, looking at me with tears in his eyes one night he told me had had made a huge mistake (by doing nothing, he felt he was in too deep to leave). I told him many times to just leave, they had no children together (she had a young daughter) & didn't live together. After a few years they bought a house together. I asked him why & he said "it's time to stop looking & it is too hard to keep looking". He is still with her now. They have been together 14yrs (give or take). They have 3 dc together & he will never leave now because he wouldn't leave his kids.

As much as it breaks my heart that he is unhappy, he made his bed. He had ample opportunity to leave. They lived together in her flat for a brief time, "to test the waters". Time after time he came over to see me & dh & we offered him our spare room. You can't help some people, really. He is miserable. He isn't in love. He doesn't really feel anything for her. But he choose this. What can you do?

different, one time, yes, I was there when she said it as I was babysitting her together with another person from work, who I would have more described to be my friend.
This other girl has known the mum for many years so they are actual friends and when I used to work with her, she regularly told me how she was worried about the DD. The school apparently was too as the girl kept falling asleep in class because she only came home so late at night from whereever she was being picked up.

Am I jealous?I've really been thinking about this now and yes, sometimes I'm jealous. I'm jealous she looks better in a bikini than me and has already had a week in the sun this year whereas I've been sitting in this constant rain.
Would I like to be her? Certainly not. I'm quite happy with my life, even if there is room for improvement in some areas.

thebest, in your personal opinion she sounds awful. I (and many others on this thread) happen to disagree.

Stop concerning yourself with other peoples lives.

you don't like she maybe trapped a man you don't like she didn't breastfeed you don't like how she passes her baby around you dont like how she is always away for weekends and she is your friend because.....

Sounds like workplace gossip to me. Piecing together someone's life from Facebook and heresay is rather shitty behaviour. Shame on you.

Anyway, from the first night, this new guy and her were not using any contraception (I don't think he was aware of this

I think he must have been aware that he didn't have a condom on his penis.

Two adults having unprotected sex will know that a pregnancy may be the result.

YABU.

'Sounds like workplace gossip to me. Piecing together someone's life from Facebook and heresay is rather shitty behaviour.'

This exactly.

Mrsjay, that's not what I said at all.
I don't think she "trapped" him. He's not trapped at all. They aren't married and apart from their time away, he's hardly at home. He's free to leave whenever.
I admitt, I shouldn't have brought bfing into it but I didn't mean it in a "Every mother should bf" - way, I was using it as an example to show how she chose not to because if she did, she'd have to be around more often.
And I already said, she's not my friend.

Quite funny, when someone comes on here saying their MIL wants to take their new baby away for a weekend, everyone shouts: NOOOOO!!!
When soemone is judged for actually handing their baby over constantly, it's suddenly all: So what?

Maybe on MN every mother is doing their best. But you know what? Out there, in the real world, that's actually not the case. A lot of mothers simply cannot be arsed.

Also, your baby, your choice. Well, only true to a certain extend. Being a mother surely means not always putting yourself first. If this was a marriage, well, it wouldn't work that way either. Compromises will have to be made and especially so if you have children. Sometimes, just sometime, their needs should be met first.

different I'm sorry your DD was in SCBU after her birth, but that's luckily not the norm. And I bet that if you had had the chance, you would have wanted to do those first feeds yourself.

I'm off now for the day. Spending some time with my child...

I think a baby being cared for and getting used to a wide range of people is a good thing. We're social animals, after all.

Not for a baby that young and certainly not at the expense of the mother not being there. They need time to form secure attachments with their primary care givers for their emotional wellbeing.

I would be concerned for the baby too OP. Friends and family can deal with the physical needs of the baby but I'd worry they were leaving baby to cry when baby wants holding and during the night. Nobody is as responsive to a babies cry as a mother is...usually.

Her partner is equally responsible for the unplanned pregnancy. If he didnt want a child, then he also should have used contraception. If I didn't want children and was sure about that, I wouldn't be relying on somebody else to remember to take their pill.

and I agree with you OP on your last post.

Facebook is for 10 year-olds.

Don't mither me with the rules.

OP, whether you are right to judge or not, is irrelevant.

Judging people isn't nice, but then some people just make it so easy don't they!

I would judge this woman too.

echt, thank you, I learned a new word today! I have never heard "mither" in my life

How nice of you to say I am entitled to my own opinion LadyClarice

My ds2 is 12 weeks and has had 2 stays at my mums. He probably gets more attention there, held constantly and never allowed to cry never mind left! That's because when he's there they do nothing but look after him. At home I have another child, house, dog, husband etc requiring my attention!!

I didn't say that or anything that sounds/reads like that, thebest. I said you have one opinion, while others disagree with it and have different ones.

People on mumsnet have different opinions?

No shit LadyClarice.

YANBU but I, personally, wouldn't bother thinking about it too much.
I would not have her on Facebook and I would just have a polite but distant work relationship with her. If she asks why she defriended you just say you aren't using Facebook much and set all your setting to ultra private.
Also, 'block' her on Facebook then she can't search you and your name won't come up as a 'Friend suggestion' via mutual Facebook contacts.

Just read your last post MrsHuxtable - well said!

Yanbu at all op but you are bound to be inundated with posts from people saying you are terrible to judge - ironic really as it is that friend of yours who is terrible. Poor baby.

Time will tell!! My ex-SIL was just like the OP describes with my DN. Now, my DD2 is 11, her DD is 10 and the difference in them says it all!!! BUT all I concern myself with is how my own DDs turn out. Just concentrate on what you are doing right, not how much she is doing wrong cos you can't change it.