To be fed up with this sort of shit from mothers who have raised their children

[Elemenopee]

Me: 35, first time mum to DS (5mos)

Was at a family christening yday with lots of women who have raised their children, 50-60+, kids all done very well for themselves

Well a few of them really upset me as every time I did anything for DS (fed him,burped him, sat him up, lay him down, rocked him) they would make some sort of comment like 'well I've never seen someone do it like that', 'we were never told to do that' or even 'that's not good for your child, children need xxxx instead'. At one point DS was crying and I was trying to calm him and one of them said 'give the poor mite to me', a friend of mine said to her 'leave him be' and she replied angrily 'no I won't leave him be, I simply can't bear to see a child crying' as if I was deliberately making him cry!

Well evetually i did grow a backbone and tell them all to go away, but this is certainly not the first time I've encountered this type of thing from women who have raised their children. But why do they feel the need to belittle my parenting? Surely they understand how tricky it is being a new mum but also how a mother, however recent, is usually the best expert on what her child needs?

I agree with penis.

Ooh.

I'm a greatgran & I,ve found that baby advice goes in cycles. What is right now, will be wrong by the time your children are having babies. All a crying baby needs is feeding, burping, a clean nappy and cuddles. I think it's just a way of getting to hold the baby.

Most mums, even new ones, know their baby best, They've carried them for 9 months, they've read all the baby books and they've had loads of advice from the midwives. When my mum had me in 1949, (I know I'm ancient) She was forced to breastfeed, but not shown how! & if you had problems as my mum did, they could be very nasty with you, & in those days they kept you in hospital for 10 days for each baby. So don't worry just smile & remember what it was like when your child has their first baby.

Really? Thats a novelty for me.

I have made a conscious effort to try not to care about how others raise their DC's and, certainly, to never give unasked for advice. It's easier said than done but the thought of being a judgey pants doesn't appeal to me. I do have opinions on how I do things but I know I used to get fed up if people told me what to do.

I made a new mother cry in a coffee shop once. DH was mortified

In my defence she was breastfeeding and clearly choosing not to drink her coffee or her hot panini while holding the baby. I just went over and asked if I could get her a glass of water or a cold drink and she blubbed. It was quite funny. To the casual passer by I looked like I had just tormented a bfing mother.

Another old gimmer here who would never do that OP. Partly because it's damn rude and partly because I can't even remember now which way up you hold a baby let alone what else you do with him/her.

grimbletart

I do think that new mums have it so much harder than we did (my children were born in the 70s). For a start there is so much contradictary advice out there and (will probably be flamed for this) the wretched internet! You can almost guarantee if you google something it's always worst case scenario which comes up.

I was in hospital for 10 days with my DS (that was the practice for first babies where I lived at the time - second and subsequent children you could leave after two days). Three years later we had moved to another part of the country and my GP's practice was that first time mothers could leave after two days, but second and subsequent babies you had to stay in a week - mum needed the rest she wouldn't get at home. OK, in both cases it was a long time to be in hospital, but at least I left hospital knowing what (to a small extent) I was doing.

I'd also like to correct the common misapprehension on here about breast feeding - not one of my fellow mums in the 70s did anything other than breastfeed. Then, as now, breastfeeding was encouraged, at least where I was.

And finally, I now have two grandchildren - it's very hard to bite your tongue when you see your daughter/daughter-in-law struggling. I try very hard not to interfer (and generally succeed!), and encourage my two young mums in whatever they want to do.

Having grandchildren is wonderful - and it's so lovely to give them back!

Also as I'm an old hag now,but with smalls, I notice how little people take mothers under their notice
I've helped onto aeroplanes in cafes up stairs. I've also been amazed at the confidence of some of the new mums..so much better and more stalwart than me at that stage.
I've made mum's cry by noticing but not by meanness.
It's the manner not the matter as my grand mere would say

To just say youngest is 12 oldest 23.. I find other peoples babies so freaking boring I would run a mile from any new mother and baby.. Been there, done that, not least bit interested in weaning, burping, and a crying brat oh holy Jesus no no no!!!

I think I will be a fabbi grandma!!!!

OP I have just jumped the whole thread. Only to tell you that things move on a daily basis ... lay them on their front, on their back, side ways..... In my day (youngest is 11) no one would have dreamed of co-sleeping..... not unless you came from a 3rd world village.

Everything goes in cycles. This finding is the new mantra, next week it will be another study, and then again someone will research the past and find that another bit of research was infact best, well best that week!.

All I'll say to you is do what you deem to be right and comfortable for you and your family.

I hear a lot of this sort of thing from my MIL, and I suspect she's just forgotten what babies/toddlers are like. It was especially bad in the period of time when we were sorting out a sleep schedule. Constant commentary on him not being asleep, or crying, or doing anything that wasn't acceptable really.

I try to ignore it, mostly because DS is 3 and I've already forgotten most of it myself.

I agree that everybody knows their own baby best BUT OP - I've had three children and the oldest is 14. I know nothing about your baby but I know a lot about mothering in general and some of that might at points be useful for other people to hear. For example I have been known to mention to first time mums that yes right now everything is lovely and the baby is amazing and they've done great but if tomorrow they wake up and the bottom has fallen out of their world and they feel they've made a huge mistake then they can ring me. It's not a crime to have experience, it's a gift.

I think maybe because it was a Christening it just brought out the worst in the old bats, with them competing to show how capable and knowledgeable they are.

And children 'do very well for themselves ' despite their DPs attempts to rear them rather than because of, believe me.

Well I've had 3 children and the oldest is 30 but I still wouldn't take it upon myself to tell others how it's done unless they specifically asked.

IMo as I said above most DCs turn out ok despite their parents.

You clearly encountered my MIL, I apologise. Didn't realise she would get into your family's christening just ignore her. She'll never get the hint and go away, but keep on ignoring and enjoy your baby.

Adorabell, very funny...

its your own insecurities reading too much into well meant comments

I'm with Penis on that one.

I'm a bit of an old gimmer now, but when I was a new mum I loved it when experienced mothers gave me advice as I didn't know what the hell I was supposed to be doing.

I think they have probably forgotten both what it is like and how different babies are. My antenatal group certainly showed me quickly how none of the babies all responded to the same things. Although some things appear to have worked for me I suspect it is really because my DS is quite laid back.

Also I must be a young gimmer because mine is two now and small babies confound me utterly just like before I had mine.

Of course, some won't have forgotten. But being rude would upset me and them (and also they may have some gems of wisdom too) so I would have some little white lies for social occasions with people I wouldn't see again(such as , yes I have seen that can work but in DS case the doctor has advised against it....if they pressed for details I would say, not a serious condition and should clear in a few months OR we have heard about that but it didn;t seem to suit him because he is [insert whatever pops into head here]) .

Although do you know noone ever said it was actual farts that were the issue (not just winding!) . Looking back, the problem was usually he needed to fart!

Friend tells a story about when her baby brother had his firstborn:
She + her mum + an aunty all went to stay with new baby's family (1000 miles from their own homes, so they were staying under same roof as new baby).
The 3 experienced Mamas couldn't stop telling New Mama what to do (most of these characters were Mexican, btw, so I am right in calling them Mamas).

Especially as New Mama simply didn't recognise things like nappy rash or other stuff.

Poor woman, totally did her head in. Until Baby Brother sat down & told the 3 experienced Mamas to LAY OFF.

Friend laughs about it, now. She just couldn't help it. She was acting out of love & best intentions, honest. Just needed a firm rebuff to make her get perspective, too.

ignore them or tell them off.

they just feel threatened and out of touch.
you spend a lot of time being a mum, being fertile, being attractive.
then suddenly, you're not.
and everything you used to know, information people valued, is worthless to the young.

its life. let it happen. don't hold back. they/we have to learn to live with it.