To be fed up with this sort of shit from mothers who have raised their children

[Elemenopee]

Me: 35, first time mum to DS (5mos)

Was at a family christening yday with lots of women who have raised their children, 50-60+, kids all done very well for themselves

Well a few of them really upset me as every time I did anything for DS (fed him,burped him, sat him up, lay him down, rocked him) they would make some sort of comment like 'well I've never seen someone do it like that', 'we were never told to do that' or even 'that's not good for your child, children need xxxx instead'. At one point DS was crying and I was trying to calm him and one of them said 'give the poor mite to me', a friend of mine said to her 'leave him be' and she replied angrily 'no I won't leave him be, I simply can't bear to see a child crying' as if I was deliberately making him cry!

Well evetually i did grow a backbone and tell them all to go away, but this is certainly not the first time I've encountered this type of thing from women who have raised their children. But why do they feel the need to belittle my parenting? Surely they understand how tricky it is being a new mum but also how a mother, however recent, is usually the best expert on what her child needs?

All this reminds me of my MIL who, when my first born cried (as babies do - he didn't have colic etc), advised me in all seriousness, "it must be your milk - you can get it tested you know?!" Talk about crushing my confidence. All this happened 18 years ago but it has never been forgotten. Why do they do this?

so don't be criticsing people for things you don't know yourself

Penis do you mean me? I wasn't criticising anyone re colic, just making the same point you are that it doesn't really mean any one thing.

In my case, people's eagerness to 'diagnose' colic meant I put off getting to the bottom of DS's real problem (refulx - properly diagnosed by paed and on medication which worked a treat) meaning he dropped more weight than was necessary and spent the first six weeks of his life in pain

Sometimes people are silly, rude, mistakenly trying to help, worried for you, trying to he supportive or trying to undermine you.

Takes all sorts, I remember being very very sensitive to others comments with first baby and of course with a first time mom people are full of advice for you.

Fast forward to baby 4 and no one gives a shite, your old news and you are immune to any advice anyway.

Just smile and ignore crap advice but don't totally ignore all advice as ' older moms' may actually have some experience.

Some of the horrible comments on here are just shocking.

I am 50 with a dc at uni although my youngest is still only.

FWIW I don't give a shit how you parent.

People who post about 'old bags' etc etc deserve a chapter in my Big Book of Thick People right next to the one people who stigmatise young mothers.

I was talking to whoever made the daft comment originally.

Some of you should think on that it will be you one day, "out of date", old, and unwanted, anything you did seen as worthless, even dangerous. Most of the time its only a bit of small talk anyway, its your own insecurities reading too much into well meant comments. So what if people say things that don't fit with you and the way you've chosen? Smile and say thanks anyway.

Christ that comment about the higher mortality figures is bloody harsh.

9 times out of 10 people say things, give advice out of the kindness of their hearts, or as a filler for something to say to a new mother.

There are some interfering baggages, but probably about the same number as tiresome new mothers banging on about the guidelines.

shut it you old bag!

sorry. Agreed. And I'm (genuinely!) delighted you don't give a shit! Really wish other people felt the same. It's all daft.

I am sorry Elemenopee that everyone said colic to you, a child vomiting after feeds and loosing weight clearly has a serious problem and not what some people call colic. That must have been extremely frustrating to have people misdiagnosing your child when they needed help.

PenisVanLesbian was that aimed at me too or instead? I wasn't criticising. Just offering a pov on colic, as the OP seemed to be saying it didn't exist at all. I'm not an expert on it, it's not easily explained. I certainly wasn't trying to come across that way at all in my post.

But if you do search/ look up colic on the internet it is a medical definition that was coined in the 1950's and does exist, even if it is well established now a days that there are a variety of reasons a child may have colic, such as a lactose intolerance, not just wind. But I am no expert. I wanted to just give my pov based on my experience with my son only, no more than that. I do not usually wade into a thread in such a fashion. It was due to my experience with my son and I tried to state that.

Elemenopee I hope your son's reflux is improving now. You sound like a really caring mum, who has been through a difficult time with his reflux.

Yy Getorf.
And I can't help but think that the 'new mothers banging on about the guidelines' the 'how dare you question what I am doing!' sorts and the interfering 'been there, seen it, done it' types are all the same women at different times of their life.

Bloody hell cross posted with loads of you, due to typing so slow

YES. Bloody hell that is mumsnet explained in a nutshell.

Know-it-all cantakerous sods of all ages.

It probably was their own clumsy way to ask for a cuddle

How shit for you. And for me - my mother in law was like this for a whole week when she stayed when DD was 4 weeks old. I cried every day. She loved undermining everything I did and couldn't even consider the fact that me following current nhs guidelines made more sense than her knowledge of having babies forty years ago and she hasn't held a baby since. Bitter, me?!

1. It's a good point Pag - I dread to think I might become one of the women I met yday though!!!

2. no one has said anything daft about colic on this thread. Really, no one. And I didn't say it didn't exist, just that it didn't have one single definition

3. I don't bang on about guidelines unless interrogated (too busy chasing the drinks tray, mostly) and I don't mind advice, when well meant. What I don't like it that eyebrow-raised, "don't tell me you actually feed your child like that all the time' type comment. Yup., that's what I'm actually telling you.

4. I AM NOT PFB!!!!!!! (she says, taking the temperature of DS's milk with sterilised themometer)

Mumsnet. By cantankerous women for cantankerous women.

I actually loved to listen to the advise of anyone who was keen to give it, it was another good distraction from my pfb's constant crying and feeding!

@ pagwatch

Gggrrrrrrrh! Cross posts!! Her ideas include leaving babies in the bright sun all (so they're 'brown as berries') even though it's 30 degrees here.

googie oh my god!

I would like to think when I get to the age of being a Wise Woman (ha!) I will look at new mothers and remember how bloody confusing it all was when dd was born, and I was tired and leaky boobed etc, and had just spent 9 months reading every single baby book ever published.

For every one of these, there will be another who will smile kindly in a supermarket and distract your toddler out of melt down by pulling a funny face

One old woman made me cry in Sainsburys once with a kindly look (it had been a bad day)

I would rather put up with a MIL offering advice in the wrong way than one more worthy BLW going on and on about it like the reinvention of the bloody wheel.

This may be because I had my first some time ago now though and some of my friends are just starting out and they do make a bit of a meal of things. I have forgotten what a new mum fog it can be. I made a meal of my pfb myself. Not literally though of course, that really would have been terrible parenting.

When I'm an old bag I'm going to invent ridiculous things to tell new mothers to amuse myself. But only the ones who act as if they are the first person in the world to have ever had a baby, or the ones who inform everyone of the newest guidelines as if they are some kind of bible.

Lighten up a bit, and realise that you are probably as annoying as they are, in your own way.

I always say 'I'm sure you followed all the advice you were given which is exactly what I'm doing now and yes, I'm sure it will all change again soon'.

I agree with toysoldiers though. There are loads of older mums who are lovely. I remember a woman of about 65 or so in the chemist making me promise I would enjoy my DD as she would grow up fast when she was 3 weeks old. She went on to say her only DD lived in Australia and she didn't get to see her much which made me cry big hormonal tears on the walk home.