To be fed up with this sort of shit from mothers who have raised their children

[Elemenopee]

Me: 35, first time mum to DS (5mos)

Was at a family christening yday with lots of women who have raised their children, 50-60+, kids all done very well for themselves

Well a few of them really upset me as every time I did anything for DS (fed him,burped him, sat him up, lay him down, rocked him) they would make some sort of comment like 'well I've never seen someone do it like that', 'we were never told to do that' or even 'that's not good for your child, children need xxxx instead'. At one point DS was crying and I was trying to calm him and one of them said 'give the poor mite to me', a friend of mine said to her 'leave him be' and she replied angrily 'no I won't leave him be, I simply can't bear to see a child crying' as if I was deliberately making him cry!

Well evetually i did grow a backbone and tell them all to go away, but this is certainly not the first time I've encountered this type of thing from women who have raised their children. But why do they feel the need to belittle my parenting? Surely they understand how tricky it is being a new mum but also how a mother, however recent, is usually the best expert on what her child needs?

Most women don't do this but there is a hardcore league of newmother botherers that don't seem able to stop themselves.

Just smile and ignore them.

Oh just ignore it. :) My aunts are like this, and it's because they raised their kids 30-40 years ago when all advice was exactly opposite to what we do now. They were told to put their children on their tummies, at the top of the bed, we put them on their backs, at the bottom of the bed. In the 70s, formula was the way to go, now it's BFing.

The first time my parents visited after DD was born, it was one long 'we didn't used to do that' and 'are you sure that's right' litany. It died off when grandchild #2 was born and they realised it wasn't me being odd, as SIL did exactly the same things as me. Just say 'thanks for the advice, I'll keep it in mind' and forget about it.

It's infuriating, but yep, smile, nod and move away from them!

Everyone's an expert!

Ignore any criticism, you know your ds best and those Mums are behind the times anyway and not up to current thinking. Wait til you tell them about Baby Led Weaning

Speaking as one of these ancient old gimmers whose dcs are now parents themselves, let me assure you that we are not all newmother botherers! Some of us remember perfectly well what it was like to have small babies.

But then we suffered it ourselves "that poor baby is cooped up indoors when there's hardly any snow falling outside" was a classic from those who could have won a gold medal for Interference at the 1948 London Olympics.

My advice is to do now what I did then. Ignore and if possible, remove yourself from their immediate presence.

That's shocking.

It's one thing to tell someone what did work for you if they seem to be at a loss as to what to try next, but this very specific rudeness is just unacceptable.

I've never encountered it myself so can't advise from experience on how to deal with it.

How are you finding it in general?

Try 'oh dear, your information is really out of date, isn't it?' with sympathetic, pitying look.

I would never do any of the things you describe as I do remember what it's like being a new mum, and you are the expert on your own baby of course.

So I think people who make nobby comments like that are idiots and are probably idiots in all their roles in life, it's not personal to you or your situation.

I once went to a family event when everyone and their dog had a comment on winding my baby. He had severe reflux and was premature but of course they were all doctors and knew it was my poor winding technique that was making him cry. When I mentioned reflux they all smirked and said ' ooh we used to call that colic in my day'. I said 'well you were fucking wrong then weren't you'.

It caused a few ructions but people mostly don't comment about my parenting now

People react very strongly to crying babies. My DD3 was a real howler and then looks I would get...
It's irrational.

I remember in those first few months being very sensitive to what others said. I'm not being patronising at all, but you get a thicker skin as they get older (my DD is now 19 months) trust me.

Just ignore them. The majority of mothers are doing their best, and as you get more secure and confident in what you're doing, people's comments bother you less.

I think people who make nobby comments like that are idiots and are probably idiots in all their roles in life

Agree with this. It's just unfortunate that they are always such "experts" in caring for babies.

fridgeraiders that is a brilliant answer! I would try that one Elemenopee.

I am really trying not to be 1 of those women i really am but i find myself giving unwanted advice when it isnt needed
If these women are annoying just smile and ignore them yes i have brought up children to be adults doesnt mean i got it right

YANBU. My aunt was obsessed with the idea of giving my boy juice. Every time I saw her it would be 'A bottle of juice isn't going to do him any harm you know' WHY? Why do I have to give my 8 week old juice? What good do you think it's going to do??? But I was raised to always be polite to my elders so I didn't say anything, just sort of mumbled dismissively and changed the subject.

I'm sorry they upset you OP. Well done for telling them to back off.

My mil does this, according to her she has....

Never known a child cry in a car seat
Never known a child not to just fall asleep when put down for a nap
Never heard such a cough before
Never known a child not take a dummy
Never known a child need feeding so often, hungry so much, so much wind etc etc

You would think I had the oddest dcs in the world... I dont think I have? Ignore and then ignore some more

"Fuck off you interfering old bat" is a complete sentence and has the advantage of a) stunning them into silence and b) ensuring they never speak to you again.

They forget what it's like to actually be in "active service". Try to ignore them if you can.

Also try 'Wow, I'm surprised yours made it to adulthood!'

How very irritating. Must remember not to be like this...

I think an innocent face with: 'Gosh things really were different in your day, weren't they? Amazing how much research has moved things on... But then, you were just doing your best weren't you? Just like we all do...' Then smile through your gritted teeth and move away.

at 'give the poor mite to me'. I would have said 'Yes, we all know babies hate their mums and love total f*&ing strangers, that's soooo obviously a fact.'. But then I was a bit touchy when DS was a baby (not just PFB but Precious Only Child I'll Ever Have - it's like PFB syndrome but on steroids )

You could try being a bit generous and think that perhaps they feel redundant, a bit jealous, and insecure...because if the advice given now is so different to what they were told, surely that can mean to them that they did everything wrong, by modern standards? Can you imagine how that would feel to you, a few years after you had children, you are now told you know nothing and everything you did is now a load of auld rubbish?

Have a heart. And really "fuck off you interfering old bat" is just unnecessary agist meanness.

Thank you all. I know not all women are like this, I've certainly encountered plenty who are just lovely, unjudgemental and a wealth of sound advice (when asked for it!) My grandmother-in-law, for example, is an absolute gem. 85, raised six children but always says to me 'you know best so don't heed anyone else' or 'gosh, you're so lucky you were told to do that, we didn't know anything about it back in my day' LOVE HER!

I'm not finding it too bad Folkgirl, thanks for asking. DS is not the easiest child but, without blowing my own trumpet, I think I've pretty much got all his little idiosyncrasies down to a tee (for now) so I know what will calm him and get him feeding if he's stressed - reflux too Combineharvester, so I share your pain there. I feed him almost totally upright and the lady I mentioned was beside herself about this, too ("give him here and I'll show you how to feed him"). Incidentally, if you ever ask one of these new mum botherers what exactly is 'colic', you'll get a lot of stumped expressions!

"oh so you did it that way back then? explains the higher mortality figures I suppose. So glad I'm having MY baby now when there's so much more knowledge."

Take child and stalk off, never to be seen again.

In my defence I have started saying everything is so different these days

""oh so you did it that way back then? explains the higher mortality figures I suppose"

You should be ashamed of yourself. Thats fucking vile

Pfb ?