To be fed up with this sort of shit from mothers who have raised their children

[Elemenopee]

Me: 35, first time mum to DS (5mos)

Was at a family christening yday with lots of women who have raised their children, 50-60+, kids all done very well for themselves

Well a few of them really upset me as every time I did anything for DS (fed him,burped him, sat him up, lay him down, rocked him) they would make some sort of comment like 'well I've never seen someone do it like that', 'we were never told to do that' or even 'that's not good for your child, children need xxxx instead'. At one point DS was crying and I was trying to calm him and one of them said 'give the poor mite to me', a friend of mine said to her 'leave him be' and she replied angrily 'no I won't leave him be, I simply can't bear to see a child crying' as if I was deliberately making him cry!

Well evetually i did grow a backbone and tell them all to go away, but this is certainly not the first time I've encountered this type of thing from women who have raised their children. But why do they feel the need to belittle my parenting? Surely they understand how tricky it is being a new mum but also how a mother, however recent, is usually the best expert on what her child needs?

Me, Perry? What exactly is PFB about my op or additional comments? Genuine question

totally ott toomuchmonth, unacceptable remark.

I think I've pretty much got all his little idiosyncrasies down to a tee (for now) so I know what will calm him and get him feeding if he's stressed

Well then. That's all you need to know.

PVL totally agree MIL comes out with some corkers sometimes "newborn baby needs some honey" being among the best, but she lost a boy to SIDS, so I have to be extremely careful in what I contradict as she already blames herself :(.

Someone saying that would devestate her.

I had some really really good advice once, from one of those older 'raised their children' mothers.

"don't listen to any advice"

All you need really.

toomuch didn't actually say it though (thankfully!). In her defence, I think we've all wanted to say things that are obviously COMPLETELY below the belt in sheer anger, but of course have restrained ourselves! When someone has questioned something I've been doing because HV or doctor has told me to do so, I have sometimes gently made the point that the advice is often based on the latest SIDS etc research and has probably help bring down the rate of infant mortality, so it isn't just a silly newfangled gimmick.

That's raises a genuinely tricky issue though Softlysoftly - I had this problem with my Mum.

'Weaning at 4 weeks didn't harm any of you!' she kept saying. It was only when I caught her trying to sneak DS a rusk when I'd popped out of the room that I said (and I wish I hadn't said it - heat of the moment) - Mum, we've all got chronic gastro problems which are directly linked to early weaning. It did harm us.'.

She was indeed devastated, and I felt and still feel awful and wish I could have found a way to say it that wouldn't have hurt her feelings but would have made her listen to me and stop trying to intervene. But until that point she just kept saying 'oh, poor thing, he's hungry, your boobs aren't big enough, I've just bought this box of rusks, why not try him with a bit of chocolate, oh the poor little thing' etc. Of course she has now pretended that none of this happened and was recently trying to stuff rusks into the face of my cousin' three week old DS.

I have a relative who is a nun( so absolutely no child rearing experience) who gives a connstant running commentary and "useful" advice on what to do with my dd.
Also a Sil who knows everything about everything!
Can't think why I need a glass of wine or ten to make visits bearable!

There's no point trying to reason - I wasted sooo much energy on this with MIL and aunties.

Smile, nod and ignore.

Incidentally, if you ever ask one of these new mum botherers what exactly is 'colic', you'll get a lot of stumped expressions!

I maybe misunderstanding you, but my son had colic. I'm only 34 years old and my son is now age 3. So not an 'old bat' He cried for 4-5 hours a night every night for the first 10 weeks. It was hell, he was my second child and I had thought I knew it all. Mwaa ha ha how wrong was I!

I think you're over-reacting. When you say that they said 'no I won't leave him be, I simply can't bear to see a child crying' as if I was deliberately making him cry! I think you're being highly sensitive. Why does someone saying that they can't bear to hear a child crying suggest that they think you're doing it on purpose?

I do know how it is in those early months - my twins are 2.5 now and it wasn't that long ago that comments like that annoyed me too. But I think you'll look back and cringe and think that perhaps - just perhaps - they were trying to help. Maybe they thought you'd like a break and that if they took your son they'd be helping you out for a couple of minutes. I remember bristling massively whenever anyone tried to feed my girls anything that wasn't being done in a BLW way. Now when I look back I am horrified at what an overly precious twat I must have appeared to be....

"I caught her trying to sneak DS a rusk"

I could be worse, I caught my mum giving my 2 week old DD "little tastes" of instant gravy.

Kendodd - your mum uses instant gravy? - that's the bigger crime!

She just keeps it in in case a baby visits.

Phew.

From what I understand, it's not exactly clear to anyone what colic actually is. It's defined by having a baby that cries 'excessively' (whatever that is!) but often used to misdiagnose other issues eg reflux. So when I complained to people that DS was screaming after feeds, vomiting frequently, refusing feeds to the point of his weight dropping dangerously low etc, they often said 'ah that's just colic, he'll grow out of it' and made me feel very PFB for insisting on a referral for my child so that he wouldn't be in agony eight times a day!

'in case a baby visits' - brilliant. Bleargh - instant gravy...

But for DS, considering that all of my siblings and myself have severe coeliac (the weight loss, nutritional deficiency, hair loss, etc. kind of gluten intolerance, rather than the 'oooh, wheat makes me a bit bloated' kind), a rusk was probably the single worst thing she could have given him.

Sorry, but telling my MIL that rates of SIDS have fallen by 70% since guidelines recommended back/bottom/not over wrapping was the only way to get her to stop going on at us.

Of course if it was someone who had lost a baby we wouldn't have said it. But we weren't being mean, we were stating fact, and explaining why we were doing it this way.

Pfb because...
Who cares? Really, who cares what any other mother thinks?
When you have your first child you try your best to be the best.parent.in.the.world.ever
This means that anyone who offers a differing view point is wrong. plain wrong. Their info is wrong. Their approach is wrong and it's so so important that you put them straight AND show them how brilliant you are.
Why oh why don't they realise how tricky it is and what an expert you are?

Well they had children so they do realise how tricky it is.
They probably also know some people who have been overwhelmed and have appreciated their outdated advice
They maybe even have seen some new mum experts who are utterly hopeless
Sometimes they do know more than you, that's experience.
Maybe you would have learned something from the older women if you hadn't been so busy being an expert.

That's why I say pfb.
Usually you relax and listen to the message, not the delivery style, by the time you yourself have some experience.

Or maybe that was just me.
I'm mortified by the twit that I was with pfb

I understood colic as trapped wind, as their digestive system wasn't mature enough and it improved as the grew. My son had colic. Not reflux or silent reflux he didn't have any of the symptoms of reflux or silent reflux as I looked them up at the time, as I would have loved some gaviscon infant or similar to have helped him It was dreadful wind and I tried everything the hv told me to try. It's very distressing having a baby scream for 4-5 hours and nothing helping that you try. It would begin everyday at about 5pm and go non stop from that point on. The wind would eventually come out, downwards and he used to screw himself up as his tummy hurt so much. Infacol made him scream harder at the time. He slept/ napped well and fed well all day, everyday until that time. No one may understand it but it does exist. Even if it doesn't make sense and then it just went at 10 weeks. Thank God. The memories are still painful, it was a hideous time, especially with a 17 month old daughter to look after at the same time.

I am hi-jacking your thread, so I shall stop now.

I also found all the comments from other people and my mother very hard, so I do sympathise.

Yes on googling it, there are a lot of theories about colic, and it is used for excessive crying too. But it was definitely wind with my son and as his gut matured, it went. That is one reason listed for colic.

must.stop.hi-jacking.

Elemenopee, exactly, I was so stressed with DS (and undiagnosed PND) that that was what I dearly wanted to say, but never did, for precisely the reasons people have said, in case someone had lost a child etc.

but the pressure I felt under when a certain person kept constantly contradicting everything I did/tried/thought about, meant I was very very close to snapping and saying something very nasty. People forget the stress of being an unsure new mum, and forget the protective instinct of a new mum, and need to realise it doesn't "help" being how the OP has described in her op. so calm down everyone, it wasn't said.

Colic doesn't actually mean anything, other than a pattern of crying. It translates as lightening. Its not a medical condition nor a diagnosis. Nobody knows why the pattern occurs, so don't be criticsing people for things you don't know yourself.

I can be a bit like this. Not to the point in taking over. My sis has a child younger than mine so iv gone through it all n if she is having trouble il try and give her advice. I wont tell her how to do it or take over if she isnt doing it the way i suggest.

I just dont like people struggling so if i can help and give advice i will. I appreciate the help and advice i get from my mum.