to mention what I believe to be SN in a friend's child?

[worrywortisworrying]

OK... I'm putting this in AIBU not because I want a bun fight, but that I need advice quickly from ALL MNers. If it turns nasty, I will ask for the thread to be pulled.

I need advice TONIGHT on what I should say to a friend.

Situation:
My friend has a child a little older than my DS. She is struggling terribly with him. SHe wants to 'chat' tonight as she's had a very tough day (I am more than happy to do this). The trouble is, I believe her son is ASD (my son is, has a diagnosis now and we are getting more appropriate help (even though it's still tough sometimes) because we know how to respond / react to DS and how to manage certain situations.). Her DS is just like mine.

I do not think my friend has EVER considered ASD (even though I've talked about my DS AT LENGTH!). In fact, I would go to say, she's been a little 'sorry' for me (what with my ASD child but that's another matter!)

He is struggling at school A LOT and she has resorted to smacking him as she's frustrated he won't (I believe CAN'T) do what she wants him to do.
(I should add: I don't SEE this friend too much, we mostly telephone as while we are old friends, we don't live very close to each other now)

When she phones tonight, I want to say: Look, You need to ask for an assessment. You need to contact the Child Development Centre. If it comes back that it's not ASD, then great, but you need to DO SOMETHING NOW.

But, I'm not sure if I'm overstepping the mark BIG TIME.

We don't really have mutual friends anymore, so no idea what the school are / aren't saying to her.

AIBU to say - completely outright - that she should seek an assessment now?
(Her DS is 5. Mine is 4. One school year difference, but less than that in real terms).

Please just - yes, I should say something or No, I should listen, but nothing else.

I think it would be great if you could let her know you are sorry to have hurt her feelings, and then leave it at that. for now.

I am going to send my friend a PM on FB today. I'm going to reaffirm what I >think she should do and then make it clear that I won't continue to force my >friendship or views on her but also state that, regardless of what the issues >are, I do not condone smacking. I might regret it, but I'll regret leaving it >more.

I think that might inflame things a little bit - can't you just say that you're sorry if you upset her and that you probably expressed yourself in a clumsy way, but just you wondered that as she is having a tough time with her ds, whether it might be worth getting some support, and having him assessed could be a first step.

chandon actually that is a much better idea. I'm drafting it now, and am not going to mention anything re. SN etc. Just that I'm sorry I offended her, it's only one opinion, which has to betaken in context, given my son is making soooo much more progress now we are working with him rather than battling against him.

I am also going to make a point that my son is special. That I don't see that as a negative thing at all.

I want to write an essay about all the positives we have encountered since we embraced DS dx, anyhow much progress he is making now, but gotta keep it short.

I haven't read the whole thread but just wanted to make an observation,
it's something I noticed when I was told I had a dx of autisum (I also have 2 autistic kids) when you become aware of asd you see it everywhere most of the kids and people you come into contact with display some asd tendancys because you approach life either as a parent with asd or a parent of a child with asd it kinda takes over your life a bit.
With all due respect your dc is only 4 that means you've had less than 4 years to get to grips with asd and a huge ammount of your dc's traits will be nothing to do asd but you won't really have much of an understanding of which is which because asd is such a wide ranging thing and at different times in his life it will mean different things.

Another thing you may wish to concider is that your friendship may have run it's course,I don't agree with smacking and I would struggle to remain friends with a parent who did most of my friends have simmerler values and styles with important stuff it's why we get on so much, if you don't think this way perhaps you can step back and ask yourself why she's picked you to be her sounding board does she value your listening skills or your advice or experance which is more apparent from other convos? If you can work that out then you have your answer if it's listening then your answer is no if it's the other two then it's a yes.

Just realised you already made the call and I hope what ever the outcome of your message to her it's works out ok for you.

I just noticed that your dc's dx was private has that hindered you with the statementing process? It did with my two and I ended up having to go through the whole process again just using the nhs

Worrywort

Of course you see your son as special. I see all three of mine as special but only one has asd.

My point is that if the answer to the question 'do you think he is special' makes her slam the phone town and stop talking to you, her use is prejorative and unpleasant.
I would not join in with her talking about children like my ds in that way.

Of course you can feel differently. I just wanted to explain that I see your choosing to talk about your ds like that is very different IMHO to the way in which she is using it.

Special of course means extraordinary, different, wonderful, exceptional. That's how you use it.
She is using it as shorthand for 'not normal'. Not nice.

I think you should back off and let her be for a bit. You've let her know what you think, and you need to give her some time to think about it. Further pushing via FB, especially further criticism of her parenting,is only going to inflame things.

And while someone has mentioned the child's father, please do not then transfer to contacting him. Honestly, let it go for the moment, or you risk looking like a lunatic stalker by continuing to contact her.

I decided not to write anything at all.

I take the point that our friendship may have run it's course. I think it may have. I care about her, and her DS, but I don't agree with her parenting and, the more I try to phrase it, the more it is obvious, she looks down on my son.

We don't really talk. She rants at me while I listen, try to offer advice that she tells me is irrelevant.

She isn't someone I would call to chat to. It's always on her terms. I think it shows that, the first time I've said what I actually think (in unequivocal terms), she's put the phone down on me and not contacted me.

She doesn't care that MY feelings might be hurt..... DO I really care about hers this time? I don't regret saying that I think her son requires an assessment. I made it perfectly clear that I'm not an expert, just that I think it would help and if nothing else, couldn't hinder....

I cannot write that I'll support her whatever she decides. I can't write that. I've tried. You can't put a square peg into a round hole. Well, you can try and bash it, but even if you succeed, all you will end up with is one very damaged peg

So, think it best not to write anything at all.

That's sad, but realistic. Sometimes you do have to evaluate friendships and think again - I have a couple at the moment where I'm wondering exactly what I get out of the relationship....but that's another story!

You have tried but you may not have failed, so don't be too down on yourself. As she's not too close geographically it should be easier to extricate yourself from her - you may find life better for you too without having her to handle. Hopefully school will pick up his difficulties soon.