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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Giving money to relatives.

76 replies

Thistledew · 15/07/2012 09:07

My dad has 7 grandchildren. One of them has asked if he can loan/give her some money for course fees that she is struggling with.

Dad feels that he should only give her as much money as he would be prepared to give the other 6 grandchildren if they asked (ie- he can spare £x from his savings - each grandchild could be given 1/7th of that amount).

Do you think this is reasonable? Would you give one grandchild more than their share on the basis that she needs the money and the others have not asked for assistance? Or would you give less than you can afford in this instance to be hypothetically fair to the others?

OP posts:
lovebunny · 15/07/2012 09:11

be rigorously fair. don't give any of them anything.

Dprince · 15/07/2012 09:11

I can see his point. What if he gave it to this one then another genuinely needed help and he couldn't because he had lent the first alot.
Also I think when to comes to family/friends you should never lend more than you can afford to loose if you don't get it back.
Plus the fact he is under no obligation to lend her anything at all anyway.

LindyHemming · 15/07/2012 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JumpingThroughHoops · 15/07/2012 09:11

Money always causes divisiveness within families. If, God forbid, he was to die tomorrow, the other 6 would be saying 'but you had X and we didn't'.

Personally, I would make the exception for educational needs, but that would be my prerogative.

I have a friend, who if one asks for eg £1,000, then all get £1,000 whether they need it or not, to keep things equal.

Ultimately it's his money to do with what he chooses.

Dprince · 15/07/2012 09:13

Is the GC asking your child?

more · 15/07/2012 09:19

I would go with the if one gets x amount then all gets the x amount if I could afford it. Anything else is likely to cause a lot of envy.

MigGril · 15/07/2012 09:19

I don't think need comes into it with family. It should be a fair distribution, my dad has always done this therefore there has been no course for resentment between me and my sister.

On the other hand my unless have constantly bailed out there daughter and although we can live without the help even my laid back DH has started to resentment them for it.

hairytale · 15/07/2012 09:25

I would lend the money but not tell everyone else.

pumpkinsweetie · 15/07/2012 09:26

It should definetly be split equally with each & every grandchild as anything else would be unfair and single out the others.
Ive learnt one thing from having a mil from hell, and its to treat all children equal as my mil frequently spends on the other grankids and not my lot which is really upsetting them as she brags about what she has bought them on every visitAngry
The old saying goes, If you can't afford to give to all, don't give nothing at all!
Your dad is doing the right thingSmile

Dprince · 15/07/2012 09:28

hairytail. For some reason in our family everyone finds out. Usually because my gd like to hold over their heads. That's the reason i have never asked him for money or excepted any gifts.

rookiemater · 15/07/2012 09:28

I agree with your Dad's principle. What happens if he gives just her the money and next year course fees are tight as well, once he has started giving to just her its a slippery slope.

Original poster
Thistledew · 15/07/2012 09:28

Not my child. I have no DC, but am close to my parents so was talking it over with them.

Thanks for the advice.

OP posts:
JeezyPeeps · 15/07/2012 09:29

I like the way your dad is looking at it. He's helping his grandchild out but is still able to help out others should they need it.

HeathRobinson · 15/07/2012 09:29

Why won't the parents help?

Pancakeflipper · 15/07/2012 09:33

I think it's an ok way to do it.

I had a lovely overdraft after Uni. My grandfather found out and went and paid a fair chunk of it off. He said its deduction from my share of the inheritance ( if there is any). Fair to me. Got me out of a hole when I needed digging out and my siblings/cousins are not disadvantaged and grumpy with me.

Original poster
Thistledew · 15/07/2012 09:33

Heath - her mother can't afford it. I don't know if she has asked her dad, but I know she was reluctant to do so because she had already borrowed money from him for a property.

OP posts:
Pseudo341 · 15/07/2012 09:34

It's your Dad's money, he can do whatever he wants with it. My inclination would be to divide it equally, but he's not obliged to give anyone anything, if he wants to give more money to one when they happen to be in need that's up to him.

QuintessentialShadows · 15/07/2012 09:37

" I don't know if she has asked her dad, but I know she was reluctant to do so because she had already borrowed money from him for a property."

So she is on a borrowing round is she? Sense of entitlement much?

Her dad sponsoring a property, and now she wants her grandad to pay her education?

He would be a fool to loan her a penny. She wont stop asking.....

Original poster
Thistledew · 15/07/2012 09:44

A bit harsh Quint. She borrowed money from her own father to do up a property. She is now trying but has not succeeded in selling this property, which she needs to do to cover a bank loan also incurred in renovation costs. Hence she can't get a further loan for her course fees, so is having to ask family for help to complete her education.

OP posts:
BlackholesAndRevelations · 15/07/2012 09:44

She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet.

BlackholesAndRevelations · 15/07/2012 09:45

And yes that's harsh BUT... having read your most recent post, she's got herself in a tricky situation by living beyond her means.

Triggles · 15/07/2012 09:47

I can't imagine my mum and I discussing this tbh. My mum's money is hers to do as she wants with. It's nothing to do with me.

QuintessentialShadows · 15/07/2012 09:49

How old is she?

Pretty bad judgment to get herself into property development, with no education and no experience, when the property market is the state it is. Can she let the property to cover course fees and mortgage costs?

Original poster
Thistledew · 15/07/2012 09:51

I do kind of agree Blackholes. I work in a related field to the one she is aiming for and I have given her quite a bit of advice about how she could be at least mostly self supporting whilst she gets qualified. She hasn't taken my advice, which is one reason I started this thread to check that my feelings weren't clouding my judgment.

OP posts:
QuacksForDoughnuts · 15/07/2012 09:52

Blackholes to me developing the skills to do up and sell houses seems like the start of that.