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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Giving money to relatives.

76 replies

Thistledew · 15/07/2012 09:07

My dad has 7 grandchildren. One of them has asked if he can loan/give her some money for course fees that she is struggling with.

Dad feels that he should only give her as much money as he would be prepared to give the other 6 grandchildren if they asked (ie- he can spare £x from his savings - each grandchild could be given 1/7th of that amount).

Do you think this is reasonable? Would you give one grandchild more than their share on the basis that she needs the money and the others have not asked for assistance? Or would you give less than you can afford in this instance to be hypothetically fair to the others?

OP posts:

greenplastictrees · 15/07/2012 11:23

To be clear I mean lend her some money not give it to her (not all the money...unless he can affordit and decides that's fair)

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 15/07/2012 11:25

Yeah, maybe I'm being a bit harsh, and I don't know the full story here, but it does seem that in some families there are always the slightly hopeless ones who go into one badly researched investment after another, and are bailed out repeatedly.........

pumpkinsweetie · 15/07/2012 11:26

After reading more posts from op, its clear that the grandchild shouldn't get any money as she has put herself in a vunerable position as a grown-up, she needs to learn from some of her mistakes and for the grandfather to give her money to buy education when she clearly cannot afford it herself after getting in a pickle is not teaching her anything.
Without being rude, its sounds as though she is the family member that has already recieved quite a bit of money already, it would be unfair on the other grandkids to give her, yet more money-personally she sounds greedy and needy.
Money should not be 'expected' from family, it should be a gift they WANT to give iyswim

Gay40 · 15/07/2012 11:26

I'm with the Dad - lend her 1/7 of what he has.

Actually if it was me, she'd get nowt, but that's a different matter.

Triggles · 15/07/2012 11:28

But confusedpixie I don't get why you would get upset over it? Yes, my younger sister has gone to my parents tons of times for help (in childcare and money). I don't know how much money they've spent bailing her out, although I suspect it's a fair bit. Do I begrudge her? No. She has mental health problems, and quite obviously needs the help. Do I think my parents favoured her? No. She just needed more help. I don't really care that they have put more money towards her as an adult than towards me in assistance. I'm just grateful that someone (my parents) were there and able to help her. And of course, grateful that things have gone well enough for me to I wasn't in the position to have to ask for help repeatedly.

To me, fair doesn't mean "everyone gets an equal amount".. it means "those that don't need help are able to help those that do..." It just makes more sense, IMO.

Obviously regarding the OP, if he feels he does not want to give the money to her, it's his choice. I could easily see that he may feel she is not doing anything herself to better her situation. But that's entirely separate from the whole "fair is giving the same amount of money to all of them" thought process.

DontmindifIdo · 15/07/2012 11:30

I know a lot of people who's siblings have had financial help in their lives, but on the understanding that wills have been altered to represent this. It rarely causes ill feeling so long as if the other siblings later on get into financial difficulties also get help under similar terms, or that the sibling that has been help recognises this when they don't get as much in a will. (Some people can 'forget' they had handouts 20 years before when it comes down to it)

But then I don't see that 'fairness' means you have to give exactly the same amounts to each DC, but fairness means you treat their needs for help exactly the same - for example, my DB needed an extra £3k when he was buying his house, my parents gave him a soft loan, which when he tried to pay back to them, they wrote off. When DH and I bought our house, we didn't need their financial help, but I was 7 months pregnant, so I needed practical help with packing etc. Another example, I have a DS, my DB has no DCs, my parents hand over about £50 every other month to go in DS's "uni savings" - that's money we get that DB doesn't, but he doesn't have a child to save for, I'm sure if he did, they would do the same for his DC.

quoteunquote · 15/07/2012 11:34

In our family the one thing that does get contributed to is an educational type things,

My grandparents, at different times gave my siblings and myself a contribution towards uni course we were doing, they insisted on helping, not much but at the time it made a huge difference,

My father who isn't very good at remembering birthday ,but loves every now again to give his grandchildren a contribution towards their education,

Nobody expects, and when challenged he insist it brings him pleasure,

No one thinks twice about others not getting the same at that moment in time,

He has a lot of grandchildren, if he gave them all the same at the same time, lots of them wouldn't be needing funds for development and the money would get used for other things,

I'm really looking forward to doing the same for my grandchildren, it's a sort of an investment in the future type situation.

Interviewterror · 15/07/2012 11:41

Does she have valid reasons not take your advice which would make her self supporting?

whatthewhatthebleep · 15/07/2012 12:13

my mother has helped us all out in different ways....with varying amounts for things...
4 siblings...3 of which have DH's, no judgements or jealousy here....

if my mother wants to and can help...it's her money..her decision...she would never need to consult anyone on what decisions she makes...none of our beeswax to comment on....

her will/estate is split 4 ways...equally...regardless of what may have gone before that....she has made provision this way for her children and her children make their own provision for their children....there is nothing for her GC's from her estate...thats a matter for the parents to do....whilst she takes great care and is generous to a fault with her GC's...as she decides what, who and when over that too...in no particular order of things either.....

it shouldn't be an issue....your GF can do whatever he feels he wants with his money...he either can help or he can't...

NUFC69 · 15/07/2012 12:17

The way we do things in our family is that we are always ready to help out either of our two children with a loan - that way, as long as they pay it back (and they always have) the money is there to be borrowed again.

The only time there was any difference was when my DD came and asked to borrow money towards the particular house which she and he husband wanted. This was when property prices were going up fast and the agreement we had with her was that when the property was sold and they bought another house, we would have our money back. In the event they are still there and because we are in a better place financially we have now told them that we don't want it back. We have subsequently given my DS the same amount of money.

TodaysAGoodDay · 15/07/2012 12:18

Please treat them fairly. It's truly awful to be on the receiving end of unfairness if your DB or DS is treated better than you. Be fair.

Triggles · 15/07/2012 12:33

I think "unfair" in this instance is all about perception. I don't think it's unfair for my parents to provide more financial assistance to my younger sister - she needs it, I don't. Neither would I expect them to adjust their will accordingly.

IMO those that worry about fairness in this type of thing spend far too much time worrying that someone else will get something they don't.

pinkyredrose · 15/07/2012 13:19

Has she paid or attempted to pay her father back yet? If not then your Dad would be a fool to 'lend' her anything.

If she's finding her course difficult to pay for then she should apply to her university or college hardship fund.

Mrbojangles1 · 15/07/2012 13:24

Loaning money with in familys only ever causes misery so dont do it give money yes lend money no

My mates sisterr oh borrowed £1000 of her nan so they could put a deposit down on a flat

Two months ago the whole family fell out he now says they can shov their money

confusedpixie · 15/07/2012 13:49

Trigglrs: completely different in my case, my parents bail out my sister because she chose to spends her student loans and full grants getting drunk and travelling from scotland to essex every two weeks to see her boyfriend, she didn't want a job (never studied for more than ten hours a week so had time for one) and knew mum and dad would give her money so continued that way. I begrudge her because when I've needed help they've counted every penny to make sure I pay them back, whereas she doesn't get this treatment. She's only a year younger than me. The ops relative sounded very much like my sister, making stupid decisions, screwing herself over and expecting others to pay for it.

My other two relatives have just lapped up every penny they could thanks to an over generous grandmother who is trying to compensate for a shit hand they were dealt in early life. Instead of being thankful to her they've just demanded more.

Triggles · 15/07/2012 14:04

But it's your parents' right to spend their money as they see fit. It may annoy you, but that's life. Honestly, would you want to be self-reliant and stand on your own two feet? Or living the life where you're forever falling in the shit and having to be bailed out?

Personally, I think life's too short to spend time worrying about how much money my siblings are getting from my parents. I have never judged my relationship with my parents based on comparing it with their relationship with my siblings. It has nothing to do with me.

QuintessentialShadows · 15/07/2012 14:13

But has she actually learnt anything? Other than that relatives are great for bailing you out if you "scheme" seems good enough?

The OP admits she has given this young woman heaps of advice how she can work and earn money while getting into her chosen field, but she has opted to ask for a bailout instead.

I think that speaks volumes.

What about the grandchildren with more humility and decorum? Maybe they are in equally hard situations, but are not talking about it, and certainly not running to grandpa for cash?

It has to be 1/7th, or nothing.

confusedpixie · 15/07/2012 14:14

It bothers me. I can't stop that. It pisses me off chatting to my sister, with whom I have a decent friendship with otherwise, go on about how she's getting a two bed flat next month even tough she's unemployed thanks to our parents and can't afford it when dp and I struggle to pay for the rent of our bedroom. It annoys me that my parents call on my payday to ask for the next instalment of their £1000 loan for a new car when mine died suddenly only to go hand this money to my sister for nothing. I don't see how that cannot annoy some people. I pride myself on my independence, but am not naive to think I don't need financial help sometimes whilst trying to set up my career and life!

confusedpixie · 15/07/2012 14:18

I roll also add that those of us who are independent have lost it, not just financially but with relationships with these enablers, because the relationship they have with the dependee seems almost untouchable, you can't say a bad word about them even when you are trying to give them advice. Like the op I've offered so much advice to sister and cousin bout getting work but they've both laughed in my face and the excuses fein enablers have vern ' oh they aren't strong enough to do x y or z'

Glittertwins · 15/07/2012 15:13

Interesting that everyone is pretty much of the same opinion of fairness here. Wish my FIL was this fair about his own son and 2GCs as they get ignored consistently compared to SIL and her feckless DH a whole other story). When we brought this up, he shouted he would decide what was fair.

DeWe · 15/07/2012 17:24

I think there are times it would be fair enough to lend one without having the money to lend the others-but that would be basically only if they were likely to have paid it back by the time the others were potentially needing the money for the same thing (eg education). As she already owes money, I think that would be unlikely to be realistically achieved.

If he has the money to do the same by all of the grandchildren, then it's up to him.

charlearose · 15/07/2012 17:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StrandedBear · 15/07/2012 18:06

Does she not get a student loan to pay for fees?

CunningDisguiseNeeded · 15/07/2012 18:21

We have never borrowed money from my parents (I have 3 sisters) but they have paid for things over the years. For example 3 of us are married and our parents gave us 10k each towards this - the sister who isnt married (and never likely to me married) doesn't feel hard done by or resentful.

One of my sisters has just been through a divorce and my parents gave her 30k to help out - doesn't bother me (or my sisters) - she needed it and she got it. My parents also spend more money on two of the grandchildren for birthdays & Xmas .... this also is no problem with in the family.

Dprince · 15/07/2012 18:29

Yes but cunning that's all well and good. But the OP dad isn't going to hand money put for no reason to be fair. He wants to make sure they could help all equally if needed. I am sure your parents would do the same for you as they did for your sister if you needed it.
That's is what, if i have read it correctly, the OPs dad wants to do. Make sure he would be able to help all not one.

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