Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

desperate dad, controlling ex

315 replies

Helplessdad · 14/07/2012 12:48

Split when dd was v young. Ex wife moved 300 miles away to live with parents while she got back on her feet. Several months later I also moved to be with my partner (currently pregnant) which unfortunately was I the opposite direction. Since then I have had as much contact as poss, every other weekend staying at hotels near dd plus a week here and there for holidays and Christmas.

I just can do it anymore. It's exhausting doing all the travelling and I can't afford petrol, hotel and eating out every other weekend.

I have suggested a new plan- 6 weeks no contact, but then a whole week with my girl up here so we can spend quality time and she can get to know her other family.

Ex has said no- it's not in the interests of our daughter, it's out of her routine, it's too long away from mum, etc etc. but how is it not in her interest of she gets to spend proper time with me?

Ex isn't budging and I don't know what to do. I just can't carry on like this. I'm broke and exhausted.

Aibu to try to take this to court?

OP posts:
akaemmafrost · 14/07/2012 19:07

You sound like an unbelievably selfish twat.

I find your me me me attitude quite disgusting actually.

"She wants me to incur all the costs associated with access and im not doing it anymore."

You broke up the relationship, she moved nearer home to access support with a young child. Why on earth should SHE bear the brunt of any inconvenience and expense for ALL YOUR CHOICES?

Your dd is probably better off without you and I have NEVER said that about a Parent/Child relationship before.

I would LOVE to know what your marriage looked like BEFORE you had the affair.

My ex would describe me exactly as you describe your ex. He was an unfaithful abusive (in all ways) wanker. Selfish Arse Men who don't GET THEIR OWN WAY tend to become very whiny and describe their ex's as controlling and obstructive I have found.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 14/07/2012 19:09

glasto, that is really harsh. Of course she won't think that.

I'm sorry, though, OP, I simply don't see how what you describe is controlling or obstructive? The only thing so far I've thought was unreasonable was not wanting to skype, which seems unnecessary to me.

Now, I'm assuming you pay maintenance plus costs for travelling to see your DD, and you feel that this means you're paying more than your share? The issue is, you're saying she moved to get support from her parents, which is a practical thing financially and emotionally. You're not saying why you couldn't move closer (fair enough, maybe you don't want to say). But what else do you want her to do? All this about costs seems to me a red herring - imagine if you got your way and she travelled over 300 miles every six weeks to be cared for by your new partner while she looks after her newborn. You come in from work and see her for a bit, then she goes back to her mum, another 300 miles plus. She is going to get exhausted, and it is a big burden for your new partner to have a toddler as well as a newborn. It's not a solution.

KatherineKavanagh · 14/07/2012 19:09

You are in a mess..... Having to finance 2 relationships with 2 children.

akaemmafrost · 14/07/2012 19:09

"Desperate" desperate my arse!

You know what you need to do. You need to move closer to your kid and stop whinging and whining about hour difficult your ex is.

Thats not desperation.

There is nothing I wouldn't do to see and be with my kids. Nothing.

KatherineKavanagh · 14/07/2012 19:10

Op... What is your new partners opinion on things? I presume she feels rather insecure..

FormerlyTitledUntidy · 14/07/2012 19:17

op doesn't say if he pays child support or not

AmberLeaf · 14/07/2012 19:18

Of course new partner is insecure_ that will be why she is pregnant and other women tend to end up incredibly insecure if they manage to 'bag their man' IME.

What a predictable mess. It was obvious this is how it would be too. I'm assuming you started shagging the other woman when your wife was pregnant?

osterleymama · 14/07/2012 19:26

I very much doubt this is your ex's ideal way. I imagine she thought she'd have a baby with her husband and raise your child together. You made that impossible for her and for and your child so really this is your way not 'her way'

Why do you think your needs are so important? They aren't. Your little girl's are.

whatthewhatthebleep · 14/07/2012 19:27

fucked up ...big time...

don't know what you have the right to complain about....

the fall out you have created in innocent peoples lives .... and what?....you whine and moan about your fuck up's and can't see you created the monster you have now???

it's that cake and eat it thing isn't it...enjoy! buuuurrrrppppp...major gas!!!

And I'd be saying exactly the same to a woman so I'm not being sexist or anything...I'm being totally down on cheaters..!!!

Sassybeast · 14/07/2012 19:30

ok I've 'tried' to give you advice. I've 'tried' to make you see reason, despite my suspicions.

But you are every bit as arrogant and selfish as any other adulterer. There will be plenty of people who will continue to bleat on about how you cheated on your partner and not your child. But you didn't. You cheated on your family. You devastated everything that was safe to your ex and your baby and you deserve EVERYTHING you get. She owes you nothing with regards financing your contact with your child.

And lol at new partners insecurities. Once a cheat, always a cheat. It's no wonder she wants to move you as far away as she can. Good luck OP. you'll need it. And a huge reality check.

Sassybeast · 14/07/2012 19:33

Oh and your ex can be as controlling as she wants. Makes up for the lack of control she had whilst you were sticking your dick in another woman. Presumably you've all been checked out for STIs ?

Original poster
Helplessdad · 14/07/2012 19:33

Who did what to who is irrelevant to the situation now. I pay my maintenance, try to see my child as often as possible, but now I'm broke and exhausted and it can't continue.

It was her decsision to move so far. I can't be penalised forever for what's happened in the past. My partner has comitments where we live soI can't move closer to my daughter.

It is in her best interests that she sees her father and is involved with her new family- at our house- here. Not in a series of hotels every other weekend!

OP posts:
FormerlyTitledUntidy · 14/07/2012 19:35

do you not think before you act? did you not think about this before you moved!?

woobmc · 14/07/2012 19:36

Sounds like a lot of people are bringing their own baggage to this discussion.

Shakirasma · 14/07/2012 19:37

What you did is entirely relevant. What you did made it necessary for your ex to move so far away, so she had proper support to cope with a tiny baby and the emotional devastation that you caused.

Of course your DD has a right to a relationship with you, but you caused this mess and you need to be the one to facilitate it in a way which is practical in your DDs best interests.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 14/07/2012 19:38

That is hard. But - well, it your decision to cheat, her decision to go so far, your decision to move to live with a partner who won't move again .... do you see, it's all decisions that add up to the fact you're stuck. Saying that one bit of the issue - the 300 miles - was 'her decision' is only a small part of the picture. So I don't see why the natural option is for her to give in to you? That's not fair.

Did you not discuss or consider your new partner's committments before you decided to move?

The problem with saying the affair is irrelevant is that, unfortunately, your ex did not have any choice in the matter. She was pregnant and had the ground taken from under her feet. You can't magic that away, how ever much you may regret what you did and however much you feel you can't keep on apologizing for it. It has to make a difference that, at root, this is a situation that happened because of something you chose to do, and something she had no choice in. Do you see?

FormerlyTitledUntidy · 14/07/2012 19:39

I can't believe you expect your ex to help you out and facilitate you after you cheated on her while she was either pregnant or had a very new baby! You have taken no advice on board, you still maintain you're right.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 14/07/2012 19:40

Btw, I think even if you do end up getting your ex to agree with the idea of her coming to stay every six weeks, you need to consider - will it actually work out cheaper? Transport for a toddler over 300 miles is going to be no picnic. Maybe you can drive all that way in one day, but you might increasingly find you need to split it or she struggles to cope, and then you'll have the nursery fees. I just think it could all add up quite a lot.

HildaOgden · 14/07/2012 19:42

Let me see if I have the story straight....

You left your wife and new baby,in such a away that she felt she had to move 300 miles away back to her family for the support she needed.

You then decided to move even further away,in order to please your mistress?

You then knocked up your mistress.

And now you want to stop seeing your daughter for 6 weeks at a time,so that you can consolidate that time into a week long break (where the baby will be mostly in the care of the woman that was the cause of the marriage break down?,because it suits you better?

And you are calling the mother unreasonable?????

I must be missing something...surely you can't be that self centred??

ValentineBombshell · 14/07/2012 19:43

You didn't have the offer of staying in your exILs property did you, by any chance?

FuckityFuckFuck · 14/07/2012 19:45

It was her decision to move so far because you cheated on her, broke up the family and she needed support from her family

I don't think anybody, man or woman will say that she was unreasonable to do that.

I'm presuming your Ex hasn't met your current partner? There is no way I would allow my child to go and stay with somebody I didn't know for a week. If you could guarantee that you would be there the whole time, and I mean the entire time, every second, then I might consider it but you have already stated that you wouldn't be able to arrange time off work every 6 weeks so would be leaving your DD with someone her Mother does not know and trust.

IMO she is entitled to not allow this

ChaoticismyLife · 14/07/2012 19:47

My partner has comitments where we live soI can't move closer to my daughter.

Why won't you answer the question as to what these commitments are?

Why are you putting your partner's commitments above your dd?

Sassybeast · 14/07/2012 19:51

The argument about people bringing their own 'baggage' to the discussion always intrigues me. People give opinions based on their own experience. Men like the OP are a dime a dozen. Many women are, or have been in the position the ex now finds herself in.
It is pathetic of you OP, and your new woman, to try and minimise what you have done . YOU caused this. You will never acknowledge it, admit it or try to make amends for it. You are heading for court and trauma and angst, and further break down of your relationship with your baby. Your actions are not unimportant. Actions have consequences. You are facing the consequences of yours - no matter how hard done by you feel.
As I said on the last thread where an arrogant man was intent on securing his 'rights' rather then fulfilling his responsibilities to his kids, I hear Fathers for Justice are more than sympathetic to people like you Hmm You might get less honesty and truth if you posted there - they do a great line in vilifying psycho exs Wink

HildaOgden · 14/07/2012 19:52

Your partner may have commitments where you have moved to,you have commitments where you used to live.

And whatever your mistress' commitments are,the commitment to a new baby trumps that.

You've made your bed.Don't blame anyone else if it's not as comfortable as you would like it.

EMS23 · 14/07/2012 19:54

I haven't read the whole thread so this may have been covered but when my DH started to find the 200 mile journey to his DS too hard etc, we moved closer.

Plus your new baby will be your DD's sibling, moving closer is the best solution for their future relationship.

It's been wonderful for all of us, especially now we have DC's ourselves. We are a proper family which includes my DSS and my DH's ex gets to co-parent their child properly with my DH, which is what they both wanted because its best for their child.