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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have expected more?

83 replies

bluetea · 13/07/2012 09:24

I am just wondering if anyone's partners/husbands bought them a gift/card/flowers after giving birth? 6 days ago, I gave birth to our beautiful baby boy. My partner has been really unemotional about the whole thing. I was not expecting diamonds, however I was expecting a card or flowers, but I have had nothing, not even a "Thank you for making me the happiest man alive" kind of comment. Humph. I guess I need to manage my expectations, I cannot expect him to react or behave in a certain way.
A blue bluetea x x

OP posts:

Kayano · 13/07/2012 09:27

I got bought a board game called pandemic because DH and I are nerds but he had ordered it and it was super late lol stupid yodel

My friend got a necklace engraved with their chosen name so that arrived about a month after the baby did.

I did tell DH that as I was pushing a child out of my fanjo that I expected something in advance though

No wishy washy 'wouldn't it be nice if' here!

cheekypickle · 13/07/2012 09:27

I didn't get anything either, wasn't really expecting anything though!

GnocchiNineDoors · 13/07/2012 09:28

No card, no flowers. Dd is 7mo and ive only just realised!! Camt say I am fussed as he was there ever minute of the day after the birth at the hospital doing lots of cuddles and nappy changes so I could rest up.

He was also great at home and still.is.

More important than flowers

MamaMumra · 13/07/2012 09:29

I got nothing from family, but everyone was too busy getting our place ready. Does he help you now though? I appreciated help much more. Friends did get me flowers etc though.

Congratulations btw!

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 13/07/2012 09:29

Congratulations on your baby!

My closest friend recently had a chat to me about this exact same thing. Her dh didnt get her anything material to mark the birth of their firstborn, and she was a little sad about it.

But when I had a chat to her husband (not about that in particular) it was clear that he was so proud of his wife after her moderately difficult labour, and was in awe of what she had done. He just hadn't chose to express those feelings to her in the way she would have liked him to.

This is a big thing for both of you, it's new territory and there is no right or wrong way. If you know your dh is delighted at the birth of your baby and he is being helpful and supportive in other ways, then I think you need to let it go.

Original poster

bluetea · 13/07/2012 09:30

Hmmm, so it is me then, that's fine! I just wondered! I have a group of NCT friends, and every day on FB some of the dads are posting pictures and comments about their 'wonderful wives' and felt a little bit jealous I guess. Like I said, I wasn't expecting diamonds, but maybe a card! Thanks for the feedback!

OP posts:

Oogaballoo · 13/07/2012 09:32

I didn't get anything, no, but exH was so thrilled (and I was um, rather drugged up) that it was okay.

"My partner has been really unemotional about the whole thing."

This would have upset me, I imagine, even though logically I know we can't control how we feel about things. Is it the lack of reaction that's making you feel down?

dreamingbohemian · 13/07/2012 09:34

I don't think most men give baby gifts or cards... and probably most who do, are prompted to do so! If he's being lovely in other ways, I wouldn't overthink it.

Btw 4-6 days postpartum is prime time for the 'baby blues' hormone crash, so maybe it's bothering you a bit extra right now because of that.

Dprince · 13/07/2012 09:35

I got sweet FA and tbh it bothered me. When I had dd I got a card and I have kept it. It was when I had as I got nowt. I was a bit upset, a card would have been enough. Dh was gutted when he realised and apologised. I am over it now. I think it was just an emotional time. I was upset, but when I look back now I am not that bothered.

Groovee · 13/07/2012 09:37

Both times I desperately waited on a beautiful bunch of flowers to come and neither time it happened. With dd, he did go to mothercare and bought the tiny baby range of clothes as we hadn't expected her to come so early.

goodiegoodieyumyum · 13/07/2012 09:38

I don't know if I should tell you after the other replies, I was given a ring with my birth stone for my dd. After my ds was born I got a necklace and a promise of a spa day which I had two weeks ago and it was very nice to have a day to myself once ds was 7 months.

I suppose it depends on if your husband normally buys you presents, my husband often does for no reason and his father bought his mother presents when she had him and his brother.

Original poster

bluetea · 13/07/2012 09:39

On reflection, it isnt the card or flowers at all, like you say oogaballoo, I think it is the lack of emotional reaction that has upset me. He has been working from home this week, going out to a meeting every day and today he has gone into work. He was going to go in on Tuesday, but I asked him not to as ds would have only have been 3 days old then and as I have stitches, I wasn't very mobile. He has kept on top of the washing, prepared the dinner and he did look after ds last night for an hour so I could go to bed early as I feed through the night. So I guess I can't complain after all!!

OP posts:

hairytale · 13/07/2012 09:42

Yabu.

dreamingbohemian · 13/07/2012 09:42

So you think maybe it's more that he didn't take the week off from work completely? Because tbh, that would have really pissed me off too, no matter how well he kept on top of the washing.

AKE2012 · 13/07/2012 09:43

You had a baby so what? You arent the first and wont be the last so why does anyone need a gift.

The best gift i got was my beautiful daughter and that was enough for me.

Pickles77 · 13/07/2012 09:46

I don't think YABU, it would be a nice gesture and in my fantasy land my dream OH appears brandishing flowers with a little speech prepared.
Unfortunately in reality I don't even have a partner so when I'm on the post delivery ward seeing men do this for their wives is going to hurt me beyond belief...
But no I still don't think YABU

Kayano · 13/07/2012 09:46

I had written on my birthing plan

'I would like DH to cry at my amazing feat so would appreciate if a midwife could either kick him or deliver a swift elbow to the ribs. Thanks'

squeakytoy · 13/07/2012 09:48

It is very true that actions speak louder than words.

Anyone can show off on facebook but who knows if that is the reality.

sensuallettuce · 13/07/2012 09:48

Nothing the first 2 times, maintenance for the last 10 yrsthe 3rd time .

yesiamanaturalblue · 13/07/2012 09:48

Nothing after either of my dc, I agree that most men that do are prompted by their wives.
I ran out of vases after ds1 as so many people bought me flowers, after ds2 nothing, not one single bunch

Try not to let it get to you. Most of our own upset comes from what we would do, if we were dh, etc. But our expectations of other people tend to impact us negatively when they don't do something as we would.

Original poster

bluetea · 13/07/2012 09:48

gosh, that's harsh.

OP posts:

Original poster

bluetea · 13/07/2012 09:50

gosh, that's harsh comment was for AKE2012

OP posts:

bronze · 13/07/2012 09:52

A couple of times I got a gift. Generally arranged and paid for by my mil cos she knows what he's like. She's ever thoughtful

ExitPursuedByABear · 13/07/2012 09:53

Nothing - but then I wouldn't have expected it. In fact, if he had presented me with a card I would have thought he had gone completely mad.

Agree with squeaky that actions speak louder than words.

I am an old curmudgeon though so my view may be skewed.

bronze · 13/07/2012 09:53

Kayano

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