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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have expected more?

83 replies

bluetea · 13/07/2012 09:24

I am just wondering if anyone's partners/husbands bought them a gift/card/flowers after giving birth? 6 days ago, I gave birth to our beautiful baby boy. My partner has been really unemotional about the whole thing. I was not expecting diamonds, however I was expecting a card or flowers, but I have had nothing, not even a "Thank you for making me the happiest man alive" kind of comment. Humph. I guess I need to manage my expectations, I cannot expect him to react or behave in a certain way.
A blue bluetea x x

OP posts:

Idocrazythings · 13/07/2012 09:54

I stupidly told my husband not to buy me flowers, so he didn't. Then later, when the hormones and sleep deprivation crept in I felt upset he hadnt bought me anything. Poor man couldnt win. Second and third child, I got flowers straight away.

bronze · 13/07/2012 09:54

I have a birthday every year
I'm not the first or the last
In fact we all have a birthday every year and yet I would expect a present from dh
What a silly thing to say

givemeaclue · 13/07/2012 09:54

you don't need a gift - what gift can give you enough thanks for giving someone a child? your dh is being supportive, is off work and is at home. that's worth more than flowers/diamonds. also maybe he has something planned for a future date - my dh gave me a diamond eternity ring about 4 months after. but I appreciated just as much him doing the night feeds!

Longdistance · 13/07/2012 09:56

I didn't get anything off my dh either. I did get loads of flowers and gifts from, family, friends, and even dh's work. It was like a florists.
Dh has promised me an eternity ring, but I'm still waiting............
Though, I'd say that you're having the baby blues. It'll pass.

Oogaballoo · 13/07/2012 09:59

Sometimes it can take a while for emotions to kick in, for both men and women. You wait for months and months for a baby to arrive and when he or she finally does the reality of it all can be a bit of a shock. I completely understand that you're worried about this, but it doesn't mean anything bad- everyone reacts differently and it might not have sunk in for him yet. Perhaps you're a little bit ahead of him because you've been carrying the baby for nine months? Honestly, with my second I had a rough time of it and was on automatic for a while, but when my son's personality started shining through and he became more interactive it all just clicked. You could make plans to do his first bath together or something along those lines, perhaps, and take pictures and talk and things like that. Honestly, it's so early on that I would try not to worry too much and just look after yourself and your recovery from the birth.

redexpat · 13/07/2012 10:01

DH is danish and tradition is that the father goes and buys a mother and child bouquet which a bigger bouquet and a little one, connected with ribbon. I think it's a lovely gesture.

And if men are writing on FB how wonderful their wives are, it's because they haven't logged out and the wives are writing it themselves!

NotWilliamBoyd · 13/07/2012 10:08

Didn't occur to me to expect a gift from my DH. We both had a gift - a baby.

As for a card - I can't imagine sending a card to someone that I live with? OK i do (sometimes!) send him a birthday card, but wouldn't for eg send him a Christmas card, that would seem very strange.

Like others, I'm wondering if this has become a focus for you when actually you're not happy with some wider aspects of how things have been going?

congratulations on the birth of your son!

whackamole · 13/07/2012 10:45

No. And I didn't expect one either.

I'm a bit confused actually as to why any husband would do that, and why it is such a big deal for you?

NowThenWreck · 13/07/2012 10:52

I wasn't emotional after ds was born (I am a laydee).
I expected to , y'know, cry and sob and all that, but I didn't at all.
I was very happy, but not in the way I had seen on the telly!

Alot of men also won't know that they are expected to buy their baby mama a gift.
Do we really need another life milestone to become materialistic??
It's more important if he is useful imo.

NowThenWreck · 13/07/2012 10:54

Also, what are all these dads doing on facebook when there is a newborn to take care of? Hmm?

PedallingSquares · 13/07/2012 10:55

I can understand why you feel a bit upset at your partner's lack of emotion (as opposed to lack of a card or gift).

Is this lack of emotion out of character for him?

Congratulations on your new baby btw

AKMD · 13/07/2012 10:57

YAB a bit U. I didn't get or expect anything from DH. I would have appreciated him doing the washing up and setting up the baby's cot before I got home though

MistyB · 13/07/2012 11:00

Did you get him a present / card as a congratulations gesture on the birth of his child or a thank you for giving me the best gift ever (your baby that is)?

Ormiriathomimus · 13/07/2012 11:00

No flowers first or second time. Did get some lovely lillies after DS2 was born though - took him 3 attempts to get it right

First time I was given a wooden cat and a shirt I could breast feed in - he went into Next and asked the assistant for help and she found one that she thought would do

Second time I don't think I got anything after the birth but I did get a lovely silver necklace when we went on holiday a few weeks later.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 13/07/2012 11:04

I never gave it a thought....actually, if he had given me a card, said that etc I would have thought he was having a funny turn.

There is no gift greater than a new baby..what more would you need for someone to show they love you!

pinkdelight · 13/07/2012 11:05

I agree the lack of emotion thing is not nice, but the lack of a present? Expecting such a thing just seems bizarre to me. You're in it together. A team. Okay, the woman physically gives birth, but the men are going through becoming a parent too and the idea that they would step back and get us a card is, well, just bizarre to me. Besides, I found all the flowers we got from other people a bit of a PITA. Having to flog out to buy extra vases in those precious first days. Just enjoy your baby.

RuleBritannia · 13/07/2012 11:17

I had both mine at home very early in the morning and the second (14 months after the first) was about 2 hours old - the midwife had departed - and my DH brought in the first for me to change her nappy. It was also hard work for him to bring me half a weetabix with milk for breakfast upstairs.

But he did buy me me a lovely turquoise necklace and brooch set when I had my first from what is now John Lewis. When my second arrived, I received another lovely set of orange necklace and earrings from the same shop.

ScrambledSmegs · 13/07/2012 11:24

DH didn't get me a present, but he was absolutely overjoyed at DD's birth and looked after me wonderfully. I think that's far more important than flowers or a card.

However, mother's day (about 2 weeks after DD's birth) was a different story - I cooked a big roast lunch plus nice dessert for both DParents and PIL's, while trying to bf a baby going through her first feeding frenzy , and DH bought both DM and DMIL beautiful bunches of flowers, chocolates and cards. He didn't get me anything (yes, I know, I'm not his mum, but he could at least have said thank you for everything I did!). I held it together till they all left, and then cried for ages. First obvious sign of my PND, sadly. I don't think it was the trigger, but it didn't help.

Solo · 13/07/2012 11:33

From Ds's father I got (as he held him for the first time) 'It's like holding a friends kid' yeah.....I kid you not! :(

From Dd's father I got dropped home (the day after she was born on Boxing Day), given dinner on my knee followed by his departure for about a week. He did say half heartedly that I'd made him very proud...that was it.

I'm very, very single these days as my Ds almost turns 14 and Dd is 5.6yo.

wrathomum · 13/07/2012 11:52

Nothing.

DeWe · 13/07/2012 12:15

I've never come across that idea. A card saying "thank you for making me the happiest man alive" really? If dh had done that I would have known he was sickening for something serious.

Have you given him a card saying "thank you for your lovely sperm that has made me the happiest woman alive"?
If you haven't then why not?

Val007 · 13/07/2012 12:17

You are upset about his being unemotional, not about the lack of a gift. Better drill down on this, don't shift the focus on the gift issue. I never expected a gift from my husband for giving birth to his son. But I was feeling the love in the air. This of course made all the difference...

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 13/07/2012 12:25

I never got a gift and never even considered I would get one. My DH wasn't unemotional though, he was was totally thrilled to be a dad and to have a new baby both times.

The gift or the thank you isn't important but the emotion is and if my DH hadn't shown any I would have been very upset too.

You need to talk to him about why he doesn't seem happy.

Indith · 13/07/2012 12:57

I didn't get anything from dh, why would I? He has been by my side for all 3 births. He has been up in the night, he has cooked and cleaned and tended to older children and so on. When ds2 was born at 6am 4 months ago dh was on the school run just 2 hours later with the big 2, should I have been busy getting him a thank you card for that? When friends have come round with gifts for the new baby the gifts are just as much for dh as they are for me and the baby. I have not just had a baby we have.

Dinosaurdrip · 13/07/2012 13:00

I got flowers after both DS were born and after ds1 I also got a hamper with everything I had missed out on in pregnancy (steak, pâté, Brie, Stilton etc) the novelty had obviously worn off with ds2 will probably get nothing this time around.

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