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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have expected more?

83 replies

bluetea · 13/07/2012 09:24

I am just wondering if anyone's partners/husbands bought them a gift/card/flowers after giving birth? 6 days ago, I gave birth to our beautiful baby boy. My partner has been really unemotional about the whole thing. I was not expecting diamonds, however I was expecting a card or flowers, but I have had nothing, not even a "Thank you for making me the happiest man alive" kind of comment. Humph. I guess I need to manage my expectations, I cannot expect him to react or behave in a certain way.
A blue bluetea x x

OP posts:

ohchristFENTON · 13/07/2012 13:08

The births of our two children and our wedding day are the only three occasions that DH has got me flowers in 14 years.

Oh sorry, correction he did get me some flowers which looked a little bit tired and came with a red bucket - with no explanation.

I didn't want to ask "why the fuck have you got me old flowers in a bucket" as it would seem ungrateful, - but he later explained that the man at the petrol station was going to throw them out so he thought he'd bring them home for me, which was nice.

theodorakis · 13/07/2012 13:08

Handbag

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 13/07/2012 13:08

I don't think it even occured to me that I should get a thank you, let alone a present for providing an heir.

I mean, he'd had a baby too (although clearly it was less painful for him).

CailinDana · 13/07/2012 13:10

I would have found it a bit weird if DH had bought me a present tbh. I felt like having a baby was something we did together (though obv I did most of the hard work!) so if anything other people should have bought us both presents IYSWIM. I think often the idea that the mother does all the work and that she deserves a present only reinforces the idea that the dad is "helper" and allows men to get away with being useless. Right from the start I felt like DH was 100% involved in looking after DS, sleeves up, ready to go with no prompting from me and that was worth any amount of diamonds and flowers. Not that I would have said no to a present, but it just would have felt a bit odd.

ScrambledSmegs · 13/07/2012 13:13

Yes, I think the lack of emotion is the key here - ignore distractions like lack of material goods. Can you ask him what he's feeling, is he the type to keep his emotions very deep inside?

NowThenWreck · 13/07/2012 13:14

Although I suppose if they do turn out to be useless diamonds might help a bit.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 13/07/2012 13:17

I think often the idea that the mother does all the work and that she deserves a present only reinforces the idea that the dad is "helper" and allows men to get away with being useless.

Absolutely, Cailin.

NowThenWreck · 13/07/2012 13:20

Better still if he is brilliantly useful and gives you diamonds.

No, I have changed my mind completely. If I ever give birth again, I want diamonds.And a car.

marshmallowpies · 13/07/2012 13:20

DH got me a necklace, not one I would have picked for myself but still a very nice one (and the one I would have picked myself is WAY too expensive, I was looking at the jewellers website last night & daydreaming...).

He didn't buy me flowers there & then but has brought flowers home at least 3 times since DD was born (she's nearly 3 months) which was more flowers than he's ever bought before - I definitely don't expect it but it's very nice when he does.

But at the time she was born, whether he'd got me a present or card was the last thing on my mind. What I remember is the emotion in his voice when she was lifted up- he said 'she's perfect' and I knew right then he'd fallen in love. And I remember all the hard work he did in the next few weeks and cups of tea he made!

mintymellons · 13/07/2012 13:24

Didn't get anything, but didn't expect it either.

MrsMcNulty · 13/07/2012 13:24

I find this a bit odd, surely a beautiful healthy baby is prize enough?

Annunziata · 13/07/2012 13:27

I'm still waiting on my diamonds too

I think a lot of the men who give presents think that they can fix everything with flowers.

2rebecca · 13/07/2012 13:27

A baby is a present for both of you. I never expected a present from my husband. We both helped produce the kids. He was tired after the birth as well (but not as sore). Gifts and cards were to both of us.
I find it weird some women see it as yet another occasion on which their husband should buy them material crap.
You have a baby ffs.

MrsMcNulty · 13/07/2012 13:31

I almost died giving birth to DD (docs told DH to start ringing family as I was a goner) and he still didn't get me a present. Should I have got extra presents?

Flobbadobs · 13/07/2012 13:33

Nothing as such but he let me bite his hand the third time when DD's head crowned! He did go & get us a nice takeaway that night and tucked me up on the sofa with a glass of wine. He's not emotional either but it didn't bother me, actions really do speak louder than words and he handled visitors, phonecalls and the shopping for the following few days so I was happy.

GiserableMitt · 13/07/2012 15:27

Dh bought me a bottle of Bombay Sapphire

attheendoftheday · 13/07/2012 15:31

I would have loved something but dp didn't think of it. My mum bought me flowers which were lovely.

MarigoldsInTheWindow · 13/07/2012 15:43

nope i got nothing, but then i get nothing on my bday or xmas or mothers day cos hes a lzy peice of shit.

im not bitter. enjoy your baby :)

you could always tell him?

manicbmc · 13/07/2012 16:04

I was in for a week, following a c section. The ex didn't get me anything (even though it was Christmas) and then visited only twice in that week.

KellyElly · 13/07/2012 18:08

I didn't and it did bother me a bit. I had a really difficult labour and was in a lot of pain for weeks afterwards. It would have been nice and I understand how you feel.

Scheherezade · 13/07/2012 18:28

DP got me some cookies and a box of chocolates :) oh, and a lush set.

Cheriefroufrou · 13/07/2012 18:32

I know some women who got some pretty significant "pushing presents". They ORDERED exactly what they wanted, in advance, they were very strict orders. - so not really a gift from their OH's as it didn't come from their own initiative IYKWIM

Noone else I know got anything at all, OH apart from a baby!

YANBU about the emotional part, but you are not missing out in terms of "pushing presents" because from what I can see, only "pushy wives get pushing presents" and its not at all spontanious

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 13/07/2012 18:36

I honestly can't remember if I did or didn't but it was over 20 years ago.

Scheherezade · 13/07/2012 19:40

Cherie that's not fair at all. I didn't even know some people got gifts after having a baby, but DP and his whole family brought stuff for me (perfume, bath stuff, chocolates etc). I wasn't expecting it and it was a lovely surprise.

Cheriefroufrou · 13/07/2012 19:41

I got all that stuff off DH's family too, that's different

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