Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my friend shouldn't be setting the date after a three week relationship?

103 replies

feelinglikeabitch · 12/07/2012 22:46

Have namechanged, because I feel like a complete cow for feeling the way I do and I am a coward.

My very good friend met a man three weeks ago and got engaged after a fortnight. She has now set the date for the wedding.

Her family have been pretty silent on the matter, but his have been popping up all over facebook congratulating the happy couple and they seem thrilled about the whole thing. They also threw a party for them the day after the engagement, which hardly any of her family attended.

I have been introduced to this man, and didn't like him (I made sure I hid it though). Mind you, I will be upfront and admit that I had already pre-judged him on the only two things I knew about him - the quick engagement and also the fact that he had suggested that they have a joint facebook account instead of seperate ones. Hmm

She is excited about planning the wedding and wants me to be excited too and to join in with the wedding planning.

I have gently suggested that this is very quick and asked if she is sure about it all, and she got very defensive so I brushed it off and congratulated her. I feel like I can't be happy for her, because I don't approve of it.

Just to give some background and so as not to dripfeed, she has a long history of severe depression and so I worry that she is vulnerable.

I expect to be told that I am a bitch who should be happy for my friend as she would be for me, and to keep my nose out of her business, but I can't help the way I feel.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ThisIsAUsername · 12/07/2012 22:51

YANBU. But what can you do, besides sit back and wait for it to go tits up, and be there for her.

kinkyfuckery · 12/07/2012 22:53

Not surprised you are feeling wary, but like PP says, all you can do is be there if/when it goes tits up,

D0G · 12/07/2012 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogPsych · 12/07/2012 22:54

YANBU

Anyone who gets engaged after only a fortnight is insane.

complexnumber · 12/07/2012 22:55

How old are they?

Original poster
feelinglikeabitch · 12/07/2012 22:55

Thanks for replying.

Thats what I really feel guilty about - the fact that when it comes down to it, I am basically hoping that it does go tits up.

OP posts:
Busyoldfool · 12/07/2012 22:55

YANBU - I would worry too. You just need to support her whichever way it goes but tbh I would try to get her on her own and talk to her about him - see what she loves about him. It might show you that the relationship is a good one - or show her that it needs a little more time.

Original poster
feelinglikeabitch · 12/07/2012 22:56

She is 26 and he is 37.

OP posts:
hattifattner · 12/07/2012 22:56

sometimes, you just know.

I knew my dh was the man I was going to be with after a very short time. We have been together 20 years.

Accept that this might be one of those relationships, or it may go tits up. Either way, be happy for her and be supportive so that she knows you are there for her whatever happens.

Id also be advising her to wait before shelling out large sums of cash on deposits for venues etc.

MyLittleMiracles · 12/07/2012 22:58

I would be concerned too, but at the end of the day we all make mistakes, and maybe it wont be a mistake, maybe it will be a happy ever after for her, you never know, but if it does go wrong, you just need to be there to pick up the pieces

BTW YANBU.

TheCraicDealer · 12/07/2012 22:58

When's the wedding? If it's a while off there's always a chance she'll catch herself on, but from what you've said it seems like the likelihood of that is quite slim. Just try to be there for her- criticising him will only end in fuelling a Romeo & Juliet scenario, and it'll give her no place to run if she does start having doubts.

Original poster
feelinglikeabitch · 12/07/2012 23:01

I will try to be supportive and to hide my true feelings. I just want whats best for her.

Wedding is October.

OP posts:
complexnumber · 12/07/2012 23:02

She is 26 and he is 37

Ooh my word, that is a lot older than I expected.

...a 37 y/o bloke proposing after two weeks. I can sort of imagine why his family are so happy about it! But that is me being rather nasty.

geegee888 · 12/07/2012 23:05

LOL complexnumber - with a "courtship" that short, it makes you think that the being married is more important than the person they're getting married to. How can you possibly know someone well enough to get married after that time?

squeakytoy · 12/07/2012 23:15

I am sure there will be some posts saying how they met their partners and married them within the month, and are blissfully in love 30 years later... the reality is that she doesnt know him, he doesnt know her, and it is most likely to all fall apart long before October (hopefully) because when it inevitably falls apart if they do get married, it will be a lot messier.

NoComet · 12/07/2012 23:15
Hmm I oughtn't be critical as I got engaged after 6 weeks (and probably less than two weeks actually in each others company as we were at different universities).

But DH and I were in our early 20's no great history of past relationships and knew we wouldn't actually get married for two years when his course finished.

Depression, the age gap and a wedding in 3 months seems a bit risky to me. She's going to get swept up in wedding planning and parting with money for things.

NoComet · 12/07/2012 23:17

And it's our 22 wedding Aniversery next weekGrin

creativepebble · 12/07/2012 23:18

YANBU. Yes, you may 'just know' sometimes, but then you need to chill with it and enjoy it before making a life-long commitment. This is totally ridiculous. If it was a friend of mine I'd be very concerned. Showing support but very cautious.
You cannot possibly 'know' someone after 2 weeks. People are very good at showing each other what they think the other one wants to see, particularly in the early honeymoon stages of a relationship.
What a massive leap of faith your friend is making. Brave and foolish all at the same time.

quoteunquote · 12/07/2012 23:19

just keep being her friend,

if you are lucky he will be her one, if not she's got you as a friend.

cocolepew · 12/07/2012 23:21

It can happen I was engaged to Dh by 3 weeks and mature within a year. Nobody ever mentioned to us that it was too soon.

But if you have a bad feeling what can you do in reality? Do you risk saying something to get and ruining your friendship?

I think its best you say nothing to be honest. If there is something fishy they made not make it as far as the wedding.

sensuallettuce · 12/07/2012 23:21

Does he have form?! (abused ex wife?).

hattifattner · 12/07/2012 23:22

(i should add that after our "just know" we did actually wait almost 3 years before getting hitched - the first year we were seperated by 4000 miles, pre internet, and so conducted a love affair by post.

We almost got wed that same year in the Chapel of Lurve in Atlantic City, but thought our parents might not understand.)

however, your friend is totally loved up at the moment, and nothing will stop her, so all you can do is advise caution but offer support

cocolepew · 12/07/2012 23:22

Bloody phone married not mature. I'm not a cheese.

BadgersRetreat · 12/07/2012 23:22

My best mate rocked up to my wedding pregnant and engaged after three months of dating her new man. I was stunned ( there is a photo of my face when she told me...v funny)

10 years and two lovely kids later it's still all rosy in their garden. It might not be as bad as you think.

All you do is continue to be her friend and support her

BadgersRetreat · 12/07/2012 23:23

Mind you I liked him the instant I met him....