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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my friend shouldn't be setting the date after a three week relationship?

103 replies

feelinglikeabitch · 12/07/2012 22:46

Have namechanged, because I feel like a complete cow for feeling the way I do and I am a coward.

My very good friend met a man three weeks ago and got engaged after a fortnight. She has now set the date for the wedding.

Her family have been pretty silent on the matter, but his have been popping up all over facebook congratulating the happy couple and they seem thrilled about the whole thing. They also threw a party for them the day after the engagement, which hardly any of her family attended.

I have been introduced to this man, and didn't like him (I made sure I hid it though). Mind you, I will be upfront and admit that I had already pre-judged him on the only two things I knew about him - the quick engagement and also the fact that he had suggested that they have a joint facebook account instead of seperate ones. Hmm

She is excited about planning the wedding and wants me to be excited too and to join in with the wedding planning.

I have gently suggested that this is very quick and asked if she is sure about it all, and she got very defensive so I brushed it off and congratulated her. I feel like I can't be happy for her, because I don't approve of it.

Just to give some background and so as not to dripfeed, she has a long history of severe depression and so I worry that she is vulnerable.

I expect to be told that I am a bitch who should be happy for my friend as she would be for me, and to keep my nose out of her business, but I can't help the way I feel.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TheCraicDealer · 12/07/2012 23:40

Yeah, but three weeks is three weeks- there's milk in my fridge that's been there longer than that. You sound like a good chum OP Smile

Original poster
feelinglikeabitch · 12/07/2012 23:44

Sorry, had to go and settle the baby.

Thanks for the replies.

No dodgy 'form' that I know about, but then I don't know him at all (and neither does she really).

OP posts:
Gentleness · 12/07/2012 23:50

Hmmm - I knew after a fortnight that we would end up together but I wouldn't have got engaged! Oh - and he didn't ask for another 50 weeks anyway Blush. But you know what I mean - there's every reason to be cautious when it comes to such a big decision. Unless she is a very sorted, self-analytical person with devastating self-awareness and honesty. And she's had some kind of private detective do a full report on him to be sure. And even then I'd want to get past the dippy days before committing.

eslteacher · 12/07/2012 23:56

What reasons does she give for doing things so fast OP? Does she admit its a bit crazy-quick?

cocolepew · 12/07/2012 23:56

Thing with me and DH as well, I had met him before a few times when I was with someone else, so I vaguely knew him.

Original poster
feelinglikeabitch · 13/07/2012 00:01

She has said that she knows it is quick, but it feels so right and she is so in love etc etc.

OP posts:
complexnumber · 13/07/2012 00:02

Is he a Country'n'Western fan?

If so, he'll shoot her in a carpark after shagging his dog and giving a gun a BJ.

Pancakeflipper · 13/07/2012 00:04

She has to expect some people saying 'wow, that's quick, why the rush?"' even it's love forever. Cos' 3 weeks is quick.

I love the stories of those who have immediate love and still in love. But you saying you don't like him makes me wonder what his story is. ...

Oh I am Little Miss Cynical tonight.

SwedishEdith · 13/07/2012 00:05

Tell us more about the shared FB account? Is it just for The Engagement or has she just stopped using her own completely? That's even weirder than couples who share an email address.

AltruisticEnigma · 13/07/2012 00:07

My two friends got engaged after being together for about 2 months. Although that's fairly quick, it wasn't too bad. I was one of the first to know due to being none judgemental. I did find it odd they moved in with eachother within going out for 2 weeks though, but kept that to myself. Her friend however said it was too soon to get married and judged her and had her in tears. Although I find they are a little bit backwards and forwards with their emotions. They love eachother but they get annoyed easily with eachother and can't decide whether to start trying for a kid or to get married first, so it keeps changing. :)

I think the important thing is to be supportive, whatever happens. Keep eyes out on how he treats her and help her emotionally as best you can. If she asks what you think, be honest but polite/non judgemental.

Perhaps he's a bit dodgy, perhaps he just really loves her and knows shes the one. Only time will tell.

My partner and I were the opposite. We started dating in August 08, got engaged in February '10 and getting married either next year or the year after (5 or 6th year of being together, on our anniversary). We first moved in with eachother in October last year. We love being together, because we knew exactly what the other was like and knew we definately wanted to be together.

But everyone deals with things differently.

DilysPrice · 13/07/2012 00:08

Hmmm. My DPs got engaged after 3 dates....but..... DM insisted on a wait of 18 months before they actually got married so she could back out if it were a horrible mistake. I'd keep an open mind - you know no actual wrong of this man, he doesn't appear to be a gold-digger or a passport seeker which is a start, so who knows? But don't splash out on a hat just yet.

Original poster
feelinglikeabitch · 13/07/2012 00:08

Have done some facebook snooping and no country and western, but lots of different moustache pictures (of him). Hmm

No, I didn't like him, but I do admit that I didn't meet him with an open mind.

OP posts:
Original poster
feelinglikeabitch · 13/07/2012 00:10

They still have their seperate accounts, but appear to be only using the shared one atm.

He suggested the shared account.

OP posts:
SwedishEdith · 13/07/2012 00:13

Why did she agree to that?

Pedigree · 13/07/2012 00:14

I am sure that getting engaged pretty quickly is listed as one of the red flags telling you the guy (or girl) is possible quite controlling and a good candidate to become a domestic abuser.

I met a man who I thought was the love of my life, big "click', we fell in love as teenagers, had a fantastic 2 months together and he popped the question. As soon as I said yes, things changed, he expected me to play up to his rules and expectations and started controlling where I was at every given moment. Needless to say that by the 3rd month... I was dumped.

Now I know he did me a huge favour, it hurted a lot, but I am totally convinced it was for the best (so convinced I couldn't go back to him when he finally returned)

Original poster
feelinglikeabitch · 13/07/2012 00:14

No idea. :(

OP posts:
Original poster
feelinglikeabitch · 13/07/2012 00:21

Pedigree - Glad you had a lucky escape.

This is one of the things I am worried about, he could have an ex-wife buried under the bloody patio for all we know!

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 13/07/2012 00:36

"I have gently suggested that this is very quick and asked if she is sure about it all, and she got very defensive so I brushed it off and congratulated her. I feel like I can't be happy for her, because I don't approve of it."

Her defensiveness would suggest to me that she also considers it a bit quick - otherwise, I would expect someone to laugh and agree it was very quick, but they 'just know' that this is The One.

I'd be the same as you OP. The speed, his age, her vulnerability, the ensuring no private messaging via FB ... strangely though, the thing that bothered me most was that his family "threw a party for them the day after the engagement, which hardly any of her family attended." Hmm. I'd never be able to put a party together that quick, especially if it was for an 'unexpected' celebration. I know I am a cynic, but for me that smacks a little of sweeping your friend along, giving her more people to 'let down' if she were to say she wanted things to move more slowly. And yes, I know that sounds all very conspiracy-theory, he and his family colluding in some sinister plot against your friend. But that sentence just leapt out at me.

Original poster
feelinglikeabitch · 13/07/2012 14:41

Whereyouleftit - I am worrying that she is being somehow taken advantage of.

I might try and have a word along the lines of "See how it goes, but don't be afraid of upsetting anyone if you change your mind".

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 13/07/2012 14:48

I think you should try to hide how you feel but be ready to be there if it all goes wrong.

I got pregnant within a very short time of meeting my DP Blush and 6 1/2 years later we are still together. He can get knotted if he ever suggests a joint FB account though. Hmm

Tokamak · 13/07/2012 14:49

DW and I had known each other 4 months when we married and we're still here and happy 12 years later, so it can work.

The 'joint FB account' bit is a red flag to my eyes.

suedpantsoffem · 13/07/2012 14:54

My husband proposed 10 days after we met. That was in June, and we married in November - 20 years ago. Still happily married with two DDs.

So hell, yes - you are being unreasonable!!!

Paiviaso · 13/07/2012 14:54

YANBU, there are a lot of things here suggesting this is not a good move for your friend.

BUT it's her life...

Just be there for when she falls I suppose :( Maybe pretend you aren't that in to wedding planning so you don't have to keep a frozen smile on your face for hours on end?

Nancy66 · 13/07/2012 14:57

i disagree with the 'sometimes you just know' argument. Not after a few days you don't.

suedpantsoffem · 13/07/2012 14:59

Yes, you do Nancy!!!

My DH said that the day we met he went home and told his mum he'd met the girl he was going to marry.

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