Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my friend shouldn't be setting the date after a three week relationship?

103 replies

feelinglikeabitch · 12/07/2012 22:46

Have namechanged, because I feel like a complete cow for feeling the way I do and I am a coward.

My very good friend met a man three weeks ago and got engaged after a fortnight. She has now set the date for the wedding.

Her family have been pretty silent on the matter, but his have been popping up all over facebook congratulating the happy couple and they seem thrilled about the whole thing. They also threw a party for them the day after the engagement, which hardly any of her family attended.

I have been introduced to this man, and didn't like him (I made sure I hid it though). Mind you, I will be upfront and admit that I had already pre-judged him on the only two things I knew about him - the quick engagement and also the fact that he had suggested that they have a joint facebook account instead of seperate ones. Hmm

She is excited about planning the wedding and wants me to be excited too and to join in with the wedding planning.

I have gently suggested that this is very quick and asked if she is sure about it all, and she got very defensive so I brushed it off and congratulated her. I feel like I can't be happy for her, because I don't approve of it.

Just to give some background and so as not to dripfeed, she has a long history of severe depression and so I worry that she is vulnerable.

I expect to be told that I am a bitch who should be happy for my friend as she would be for me, and to keep my nose out of her business, but I can't help the way I feel.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MaidenDevon · 13/07/2012 18:58

When I say DH left his family for me, I just want to reiterate he left his mum, dad etc, not wife and kids!

waterwatereverywhere · 13/07/2012 19:06

My closest friend got engaged to a man after 2 weeks. She met him just before my wedding (she was a bridesmaid) I firmly believed at the time that she/they had got hooked up in the whole wedding vibe and that once they had a chance to think about it they would cool it off a bit. They didn't. While I was on honeymoon they set a date.

I never liked him. Always felt she could do much much better. They were together for a disastrous 4 years but I kept quiet, pretended to like him supported her.

When it all went belly up I was there for her. 2 years later I told her how I felt about him and we can now laugh about it. I think as a friend that is all you can do - be supportive, be a friend, and be there if it does all go wrong. Hopefully it won't.

Miggsie · 13/07/2012 19:10

I agree about the red flags.

I do wonder if he'll suggest she gets pregnant straight after the wedding. That is classic emotional abuser stuff as well.

Val007 · 14/07/2012 09:27

I don't see why sharing a Facebook account is such a bad thing! My husband and I still share everything (2 years on, engaged and moved in together after 3 weeks of courtship ;) + 1 baby boy as the fruit of our love ;). We share the same cup when we have coffee, many times we eat from the same plate, lots of times we share the same shower, of course we share our finances, house, bed etc etc - I see nothing wrong in wanting to share everything when you love each other so much. It is the best thing in the world and gives us such a sense ot togetherness and belonging to each other. Isn't that what marriage is supposed to be?... Why do we women secretly yearn for this type of closeness, dream about our prince charming, and when he finds us, we put up such barriers against love and real closeness?

Val007 · 14/07/2012 09:32

Oh, Miggsie, what is wrong with wanting a child, and knowing that you want one? We were child-making 2 weeks after we started dating, because we really wanted a child together, we were not getting any younger so why not (ok, it took us 4 months to succeed, but we did start trying very very quickly). And for the record, we are very responsible people, I was 36 and he 33. We knew what we want from life, we knew how to recognise the right partner due to past experience... what's to think? I believe we all have a list with qualities we desire in a partner. If he ticks all the boxes, why wait?

PuppyMonkey · 14/07/2012 09:36

Val, you share the same coffee cup? What at the same time? You should buy more cups.

Val007 · 14/07/2012 09:41

Yes, PuppyMonkey, at the same time for the same drinkWink and we share it because we love it! We have over 20 cups, but we love the most the one from which our other half drinks. I share this with you just to show you that different people have different degrees of closeness and if we both enjoy it why should this be bad???

MardyArsedMidlander · 14/07/2012 09:42

True Story. My cousin- very very handsome guy, also very shy with women- met this girl and within 2 weeks they'd set a date for the wedding three months later.
They got married in a very pretty popular church, and had a grand reception. Her dad made some 'joke' at the reception about not letting 'this one get away'...

It turned out she had booked the church and the reception for her PREVIOUS fiance, who then dumped her but she kept the bookings Shock Shock
No, the marriage didn't last......

CotesduRhone · 14/07/2012 09:43

Val007, with respect you're basically still on your honeymoon - you're only starting to get to know someone after two years!

I hope it continues to go well. And that neither of you have coldsores. Grin

BikeRunSki · 14/07/2012 09:44

My sister got engaged after 3 weeks, at 19 (to a 26 yo). They have been married for 18 years.

My friend got engaged at 34, after 2 years and the marriage lasted 13'months.

These are extremes, but I think they illustrate that there is no right or wrong setvof circumstances under which an engagement will or won't lead to a long and happy marriage.

Val007 · 14/07/2012 09:57

CotesduRhone of course that only time will show, but sometimes you just know. And most importantly than anything, BOTH of us are willing to keep making this work.

QuietTiger · 14/07/2012 09:59

Mardyarsedmidlander - does your cousin live in the South East of England? Reason I ask, a very good friend of mine does wedding videos. He had a bride ring him up 3 weeks before her wedding and say "I've still got the wedding going ahead, but it's a different groom. Does that matter or will I loose my deposit?!"

He was Shock.

Angelico · 14/07/2012 10:00

YANBU at all, especially with your friend's history of depression. If you can talk her into having a long engagement do it but try not to isolate her - she'll need you when it all goes tits up or he turns into a controlling arsehole (hating the joint FB page here).

Birdsgottafly · 14/07/2012 10:01

"I just want whats best for her"

You have said that you hope it doesn't work out, so you don't want what's best for her.

I do wonder at the FB thing, also does she use her own email and will she keep that? if not then that is a worry.

It's the details of where they will live,how they will work out their finances etc that matters the most.

Being married will give her protection that living together won't, so i would be more worried about her moving in, without the marriage, tbh.

Pedigree · 14/07/2012 17:25

'Being married will give her protection that living together won't, so i would be more worried about her moving in, without the marriage, tbh.'

Yes, but do you knoe that getting a divorce is far more trublesime than just walking off from a recent relationship?

ZillionChocolate · 14/07/2012 18:12

Doesn't she need protection from the risk that he turns out not to be what she thought? Marriage won't happen with that. Financially, you won't necessarily be much better off splitting after a very short marriage in terms of the division of assets and there'll be the costs of getting divorced on top of the costs of getting married.

I accept that this sort of relationship can work out, I know of two RL couples where it has. I guess what I don't know is how often people feel that "they just know they're the one" and later change their minds. Cynic that I am, I don't think you can know that quickly, but your guess/infatuation/hormones might coincide with finding someone you are compatible with in the long term.

OP I think you need to be supportive. Could you ask how her family are reacting as a way into bringing up your concerns?

Birdsgottafly · 15/07/2012 01:09

"Doesn't she need protection from the risk that he turns out not to be what she thought"

She is an adult that has the right to make these decisions. Go on to the relationship boards, ten years down the line, partners are turning out to be not what they thought.

ZillionChocolate · 15/07/2012 11:32

I agree Birdsgottafly that she's entitled to make her own decisions and mistakes. I was referring to the suggestion that getting married would afford her more protection than simply moving in together.

SoleSource · 15/07/2012 12:28

There are risks in every romantic relationship. Good luck to them I say. Might work out might not. Same as any other no matter how many precautions are taken. People grow and change.

TodaysAGoodDay · 15/07/2012 12:32

YANBU, but what can you do? She has to make her own mistakes in life.

To me it sounds like she's clingy and insecure, and he sounds a bit controlling. But then again, I don't know them.

ilovesprouts · 15/07/2012 12:36

i met my soon to be exh july 2005 got married oct same year was together for 5 years now waiting for divorce,never would i get maried that quick again .

GlassofRose · 15/07/2012 12:39

I agree with the very first reply.

You are not being unreasonable, but you can do nothing but be there when it goes tits up.

Some people may have married early and it has worked... but I don't believe they can honestly say they knew it would work after a short time, more that they were lucky or determined to make it work.

The joint facebook is a big red flag, why on earth would you need to combine accounts unless you want to have control of what the other does or sees, not allowing your partner any privacy.

Acumenon · 15/07/2012 12:45

Me and DP moved in together within weeks, about 12 years ago now and we're very happy.

But I agree I could just as easily be sitting here saying I moved in with someone within weeks when I was 18 and it all fell apart etc etc.

GlassofRose · 15/07/2012 12:53

Acumenom - Indeed. I actually did move in with my first boyfriend at 18 and a year and a half later I found myself moving home on boxing day . I thought that was a forever, but I wasn't willing to let him fuck the woman he worked with and lie to her saying I didn't live there anymore.

TheLightPassenger · 15/07/2012 12:56

yanbu to be concerned. but best to back off from overtly commenting, and make it clear you will be there for her come what may.

Swipe left for the next trending thread