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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that my friend shouldn't be setting the date after a three week relationship?

103 replies

feelinglikeabitch · 12/07/2012 22:46

Have namechanged, because I feel like a complete cow for feeling the way I do and I am a coward.

My very good friend met a man three weeks ago and got engaged after a fortnight. She has now set the date for the wedding.

Her family have been pretty silent on the matter, but his have been popping up all over facebook congratulating the happy couple and they seem thrilled about the whole thing. They also threw a party for them the day after the engagement, which hardly any of her family attended.

I have been introduced to this man, and didn't like him (I made sure I hid it though). Mind you, I will be upfront and admit that I had already pre-judged him on the only two things I knew about him - the quick engagement and also the fact that he had suggested that they have a joint facebook account instead of seperate ones.

She is excited about planning the wedding and wants me to be excited too and to join in with the wedding planning.

I have gently suggested that this is very quick and asked if she is sure about it all, and she got very defensive so I brushed it off and congratulated her. I feel like I can't be happy for her, because I don't approve of it.

Just to give some background and so as not to dripfeed, she has a long history of severe depression and so I worry that she is vulnerable.

I expect to be told that I am a bitch who should be happy for my friend as she would be for me, and to keep my nose out of her business, but I can't help the way I feel.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Nancy66 · 13/07/2012 15:05

that's infatuation though - very different.

MissFaversam · 13/07/2012 15:06

Blimey, I'm also not in favour of this. The age difference, whilst not a big deal usually but in this instance bearing in mind he want's a "shared" facebook page sort of throws up the words "control freak" in my mind.

You're just going to have to bite your tounge OP aren't you, watch get ready to catch her and let it unfold.

shhhgobacktosleep · 13/07/2012 15:12

My husband and I married within 10weeks of our first kiss and have been very happily married for 9 years. We had met 5 months earlier and instantly became best friends but no more (I was in the middle of a year long relationship). It can work, lengthy engagements and courtships do not guarantee happy marriages without the risk of abuse or infidelity. However, I find joint fb accounts disturbing - all our friends who have them have at least one partner who has cheated and it's meant to reassure or allow the other to check up. It smacks of a lack of trust imo.

I can understand your alarm bells may be ringing but I think to be a friend you need to hide this and/or make it clear to your friend that no matter what happens you will always be there to support her. If a relationship goes wrong it must make things more difficult to admit if you believe all your family and friends saw it coming and "knew" you were making a mistake.

suedpantsoffem · 13/07/2012 15:32

Well, infatuation or love - it's lasted 20 years so I'm happy :)

boredandrestless · 13/07/2012 15:42

No no no YANBU.

If this were my friend I would be very concerned!

The age difference, quick engagement AND setting quick wedding date, her family being against it and not attending the engagement party, etc but the most concerning to me is the joint face book account - very controlling.

I also feel that the wedding being so soon is to keep it all rushing along, things being booked and paid for will mean she is swept along and not feel able to put the brakes on if things don't feel right.

I think you can be supportive without pretending you thinks it's all fine. I'd be having a frank conversation and telling her you care about her, want her to be happy and will always be there for her.

Val007 · 13/07/2012 15:56

Calm down!!!! Everyone is different, and PLEASE, do not judge something you cannot fully comprehend. Yes, sometimes you just know, want and are prepared for fight for it. And there are many people to prove it does work out. It totally depends on both of them. Why do people jump up and down with shock, surprise and horror? If you are chickens and scared to do it, others are not.

Be happy for your friend. The chances are always 50:50 - it will either work or will not work. Who is prepared to take a chance on happiness? I certainly am - any day

MissFaversam · 13/07/2012 16:00

If you are chickens and scared to do it, others are not

I'd call it sensible actually.

monkeyfacegrace · 13/07/2012 16:00

My husband was a one night stand. We havent had a single night apart since then. Ever.
2 kids and a wedding later, and its very evident that I in fact, am shite at no strings attached shagging

monkeyfacegrace · 13/07/2012 16:01

Sorry, to make it more relevant, he moved in the morning after, and we married/got knocked up within weeks x

Val007 · 13/07/2012 16:03

Yes, you do Nancy!!! My DH said that the day we met he went home and told his mum he'd met the girl he was going to marry.

Of course you do! But why is it always the people who never felt it saying this can't be? Why don't you listen to the people who have felt it and experienced it???????????
Are you jealous that it didn't happen to you? Well, live in your reserved non-trusting bubble of loneliness and leave the brave ones who are taking the chance to live in the moment. Life is too short, people, remember this

Nancy66 · 13/07/2012 16:06

Because, Val, you don't know the person - why would anyone marry somebody they didn't know - unless they were tragically desperate?

If this person is the one for you then they will be in six months or a years time too won't they?

CotesduRhone · 13/07/2012 16:08

My ex and I moved in together 48 hours after we met (as naive, lunatic 20 year olds and spent many happy years together - the fact that we eventually split has nothing to do with that. So I know it can work out, on occasion.

However even me, someone who has felt that thunderbolt, thinks that Val007 sounds bizarrely naive about the possibilities and can hear the alarm bells ringing with this one. You may need to bit your tongue and keep her close, hopefully enough to start forming opinions based on a bit more knowledge of him. I don't envy you that position, you're a good friend.

Val007 · 13/07/2012 16:09

MissFaversam, are you saying that love is sensible?

Tell this to the mother, who jumps in the fire to save her child, tell her it is more sensible to stay out and figure a safer way to save the child. What do you think will happen? Will she do it, because it is sensible?

Anyway, love is a gamble, lets face it. All of us have heard the stories of long winded relationships (10+yrs), get married and split up within the year. So there are no guarantees both sides of the fence. I say, if you see a potentially winning card, BET on it, and BET on it NOW, as someone else might snatch it from you .

cocolepew · 13/07/2012 16:11

I know DH was the 'one' after about 6 days. He moved in after a week and we've been together 17 years so it can happen. But if I was mentioned to me, I laughed and agreed it sounded mad but I was sure. I didn't get defensive, because it does sound bonkers.

Val007 · 13/07/2012 16:17

Ok, last post. I am talking from experience here - now, you cannot know the person very well after 2 weeks. In fact, you never know someone very well unless you have lived with them, but if you know enough about this person to make you want to adapt to his other potentially undesirable qualities, hey, why not? Noone is perfect. If two people are headed in the same direction (want to get married, have kids, etc), agree on fundamental things (finances, how to raise the kids, how they hate cheating, where they want to live when they marry, roles in the family after marriage, work, hobbies, lifestyle etc). You think it is not possible to discuss these in two weeks? Well, I just typed them out in a few seconds. If one knows the right questions to ask, and receives the right answers... well, then they KNOW! ttyl gals

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 13/07/2012 16:21

Some couples do meet and fall in love very quickly, so I was going to say YABU. But, the joint FB account is odd, in effect it's saying they no longer have their own friends. That is worrying - it would be very easy for a controlling person to sideline all their partner's friends under the pretext that they aren't 'joint' friends.

Also the age difference and the speed his family arranged the engagement party - it's almost as if they're relieved to be marrying him off. YANBU! You can't really do anything though, just be there for her if/when it all goes horribly wrong :(

SoleSource · 13/07/2012 16:32

I agree with Val007

Jemma1111 · 13/07/2012 16:34

Unbelievably quick proposal, his idea for a shared Facebook account, to me it seems like he just wants your friend as his possession .

HUGE red flags

EmmaBemma · 13/07/2012 16:39

my husband (of 8 years) and I decided we wanted to get married after just a couple of weeks of being together. We were pretty close to just sneaking off to a registry office with a couple of good friends in tow, but in the end we decided why not wait. We didn't want to freak everyone out, we were only 22 at the time; the more we both thought about it, the more it seemed foolish to put that much pressure on our relationship, however sure we both felt. So we waited and got married four years later with all our families and friends there.

So yes, sometimes you do just know, and it might work out for them anyway. And in any case, there's nothing you can really do other than support her as a friend.

BigBoobiedBertha · 13/07/2012 16:40

I agree with the family marrying him off. I was wondering if your friend has a good job or good prospects, especially compared to the OH. All sorts of scenarios are playing in my head - he gives up work and does bugger all whilst she keeps him, he taps her for money to 'start a business' and it goes nowhere and she keeps him. Of course he might have a brilliant career and a well paid job but given that he seems to be the desperate one, you've got to wonder if he has nothing else in his life.

The other possibility is that he has done this before many times, falls fast and hard and then he comes down to earth with a bump and finishes it before a marriage takes place. You can but hope.

Whatever, happens I think your friend is being swept along and it is a shame the engagement is so quick because there won't be time for a cooling off period until it is too late.

Of course fast marriages can work. DH proposed to me after about 6 weeks in an informal sort of way (not bended knee and red roses) but I said no, or pretended it was a joke. It wasn't. It took 7mths to get engaged in the end but obviously he knew I was the one, it's just that I was more cautious. It isn't the speed though, it is the FB thing, the party, the shortness of the engagement, the age gap, the fact he is older and should be more mature about this but he are acting much younger than his years. On their own they maybe OK but together it seems a bit worrying.

Be prepared to pick up the pieces.

Btw, you have had a snoop on FB but have you googled him and looked beyond FB? Might be worth a look.

zookeeper · 13/07/2012 16:46

This would have enormous alarm bells ringing for me. I would love to know what his exes think about him. Nowt much you can do though but be there for her.

ScrambledSmegs · 13/07/2012 17:07

Well the 3 weeks thing alone would make me a little as I'm by nature a very cautious person. I'm willing to believe that relationships that start like this can last though.

However, the Facebook joint account thing is worrying. It just feels wrong, like he's trying to turn her into an extension of him IYKWIM. I do know of a (former) couple where this happened, it didn't end particularly well, sadly.

Just be supportive, and let your friend know that you'll be there for her whatever happens, OP. It's all you can do, and fingers crossed that he is everything she thinks and that they'll be blissfully happy together.

x2boys · 13/07/2012 17:07

mokeyfacegrace my husband was also a one night stand!"we were engaged after six weeks and six months to the day of meeting we got married we will of been married seven years in august and have two wondeful little boys its not been a bed of roses but we are still very much together and love each other very much

MaidenDevon · 13/07/2012 17:23

My mum and dad got MARRIED 10 days after meeting in 1974.

Cheriefroufrou · 13/07/2012 17:27

I also thought from your title that I'ld say YABU, many couples are happy for years after v short courtships, and vica verca many people are together for years before getting married then split up right after the wedding

BUT with the rest of the info on your post YANBU!

Right however do not push this, you'll just give him more power over her and give them a "us against the world" thing that'll mean it'll take her longer to see the light! Her family are already showing disapproval, and is it working? no! be her friend and don't give her any reason to push you away so that if it goes wrong you're there x

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