Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my dad could still be alive??

79 replies

TRexAndMole · 10/07/2012 16:59

So 20 years ago my dad died of a brain condition. He went into a coma for two weeks in which I saw him regularly. I was then told he had died. I did not see his body and I did not go to the funeral as I was told it would be "too upsetting" for me. I was 11.

Fast forward and I'm an adult looking after a patient who lives entirely in a vegetated state. I never knew what had happened to him but was told it happened "about 20 years ago".

Today, I found out he'd had the same condition as my dad but survived - although medically, he should have died.

A few hours later I'm sat in the staff room mulling things over and it suddenly occurs to me - I never saw his body, I never went to the funeral. Nobody ever talks about him. Could he still be alive?? maybe they all told me he'd died because of the state he was left in. What if he's alive in some nursing home somewhere and I don't know?

I want to phone someone and question them but they'll think I'm having "an episode" and I don't want that.

AIBU to be suddenly suspicious?

OP posts:
hiddenhome · 10/07/2012 17:01

You need to search online through the register of deaths. Just put in his name and date of birth and it will tell you.

dancingwiththedevilonmyback · 10/07/2012 17:02

can you get hold of a copy of his death cert?
i think its perfectly normal to question these things in your head, especially as you find yourself in a situation so close to that of your dad. its going to drag everything up to the surface, i dont think anyone will think anything odd is going on with you x

hiddenhome · 10/07/2012 17:02

search here

takingthestairs · 10/07/2012 17:03

This must be very upsetting for you, I'm sorry.

I think that as upsetting as it may be to accept, it does sound like your Dad did pass away.

Do you believe that your family would have any logical reason to have lied to you at that time. If you do have doubts, can you research whether a death certificate was issued? This may put your mind at rest without upsetting others.

hiddenhome · 10/07/2012 17:04

My dad died when I was little and I never went to the funeral and I spent some of my teen years fantasising that he was still alive and living in Russia as a defector Hmm I imagined him returning to the UK and turning up at my school to rescue me Smile

Original poster
TRexAndMole · 10/07/2012 17:06

His name is not coming up on those registers.

OP posts:
twolittlemonkeys · 10/07/2012 17:08

If it's not coming up on the register then I would be suspicious if I were in your position.

squeakytoy · 10/07/2012 17:08

It was quite normal twenty years ago for children not to see a body (and still is now really) and not unreasonable to exclude a child from the funeral then either, although at 11 I would expect a child that age to be allowed to attend.

I really dont think it likely that you have been lied to, but I wonder why you have never been taken to the grave or seen the headstone.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 10/07/2012 17:13

Is there any family that you could talk to about what happened? You could ask about what the funeral was like rather than say what you are really thinking and gauge the reaction.

FWIW, I lost my Dad when I was 15, and like you never saw him or went to the funeral. I wonder if he is still alive somewhere too. I have a complicated family history, it's a remote possibility! I think it's probably common to feel the way you do, but it mst be even stronger for you in those circumstances.

WinstonWolf · 10/07/2012 17:17

Is there not a grave or something similar somewhere for him?

You could ask your family for details of where his grave is because you want to visit it and take flowers?

Pseudo341 · 10/07/2012 17:19

I can't find a record of my Grandma's death on that site, she died a little over 20 years ago and she is most definitely dead, I didn't see her but I went to the funeral and saw the death certificate. I wouldn't read anything into not being able to find him on there. On the other hand, I don't think YABU to want definitive proof. If you know where he was alledged to have died you could try asking the local registrar's office for the records.

SerialKipper · 10/07/2012 17:23

Don't know much about the genesreunited death register database.

I use ancestry.co.uk which is quite good and goes up to 2005 but for England & Wales only: search.ancestry.co.uk/search/category.aspx?cat=34

If you want to PM me his name and date/place of death I'm happy to check for you, as I'm quite dextrous working round misspellings, etc.

lisaro · 10/07/2012 17:30

IMO this is why the more open approach we have with children nowadays is so much better. A school friend of mine was adopted (very happily) but as no details were available she built her birth mother up into some tragic famous/rich heroine in her deeper moments. I think what you're feeling is quite normal in these circumstances. I hope you manage to get access to his death certificate and find some peace.

hiddenhome · 10/07/2012 17:37

Pseudo341 did you put a middle name in? Sometimes they don't come up if you don't put the exact details in.

Ithinkitsjustme · 10/07/2012 17:56

Can you remember which hospital he was in? or is there anyone you can ask about a grave to visit? I hope you find the answers you need soon.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 10/07/2012 17:58

Genesreunited will only have a date if someone has typed it in at some point. They don't check or verify anything, it's just user entered data.
You need the actual official register. Any registry office will tell you how to go about looking/checking and getting copy of the death certificate, or tell you there isn't one.

Nancy66 · 10/07/2012 17:59

Where is he buried? Why do you think your family would have lied to you?

hiddenhome · 10/07/2012 18:01

you can access official records through genesreunited.

Cheriefroufrou · 10/07/2012 18:02

its possible, but when someone has been in a coma often their body is more broken down by the time it gets to "laying them out" then someone who died suddenly

My dad was in a coma too, the undertakers couldn't guarentee that they could do an open coffin wake, did manage it in the end but it took a lot more work then "normal" bodies because the organs had failed and there were infections etc during the time in the coma so the body was sort of "older"

Sorry I know that's grim! x

LegoAcupuncture · 10/07/2012 18:05

If you are unsure, and know the date of his death, you can request a copy of his death certificate?

NarkedRaspberry · 10/07/2012 18:09

Honestly? Unless your family have a history of lying to you about major things it is incredibly, incredibly, incredibly unlikely.

The fact that you've used the term 'episode' makes me wonder if you have issues with paranoia.

If you must, ask for details of where he was buried so you can leave flowers on the grave.

Cheriefroufrou · 10/07/2012 18:13

are your family completely skint? where would the funding for 20yrs of long term care come from?

fryingpantoface · 10/07/2012 18:15

I hope you get answers soon

Cheriefroufrou · 10/07/2012 18:17

I quite fancy a summer working in radiator springs

not long term like, just to get away for a few months and enjoy the slow pace and the scenery Grin

JustFabulous · 10/07/2012 18:17

Are you thinking the person you are caring for could be your dad?

Swipe left for the next trending thread