Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my dad could still be alive??

79 replies

TRexAndMole · 10/07/2012 16:59

So 20 years ago my dad died of a brain condition. He went into a coma for two weeks in which I saw him regularly. I was then told he had died. I did not see his body and I did not go to the funeral as I was told it would be "too upsetting" for me. I was 11.

Fast forward and I'm an adult looking after a patient who lives entirely in a vegetated state. I never knew what had happened to him but was told it happened "about 20 years ago".

Today, I found out he'd had the same condition as my dad but survived - although medically, he should have died.

A few hours later I'm sat in the staff room mulling things over and it suddenly occurs to me - I never saw his body, I never went to the funeral. Nobody ever talks about him. Could he still be alive?? maybe they all told me he'd died because of the state he was left in. What if he's alive in some nursing home somewhere and I don't know?

I want to phone someone and question them but they'll think I'm having "an episode" and I don't want that.

AIBU to be suddenly suspicious?

OP posts:
Cheriefroufrou · 10/07/2012 18:18

omg WORST wrong thread posting ever! sorry op! Shock

Dropdeadfred · 10/07/2012 18:21

Have you never asked about where he is buried?

ivykaty44 · 10/07/2012 18:24

The online GRO indexes are not always complete - and I couldn't find a couple of births and when I looked closely there were pages missing.

I would advise you to go to an archive/county record office or a large library where they hold the General Register Office indexes of all the births, marriages and deaths from 1837- through till usually around 2005 but depends on what they have purchased.

Then sit and methodically go through the indexes from the age of 11 years until you can.

If you find the name you will see a reference number along side and dates - take a note of these and then you can order a copy of the certificate from the GRO head office in southport

I am sorry for your loss of years with your dad.

lovebunny · 10/07/2012 18:25

i'm sorry, this must be very upsetting. i think going to the official records is the most convincing way of finding the facts. families can keep secrets, but as you saw him repeatedly before the end, it seems unlikely that they would have told you he'd died if he hadn't.

ivykaty44 · 10/07/2012 18:27

OP if you want to pm me with some details I can look for you, name and birth year along with a year of death would be ok.

HecateHarshPants · 10/07/2012 18:34

I know you didn't go to the funeral, but do you know where it was held? could you check records there? Was he cremated and that's why there's no grave?

Why do you feel that people will think you are having an 'episode'? What do you mean by episodes? Has anything like this ever happened to you before and it's been called an 'episode'?

Shullbit · 10/07/2012 18:39

The best thing to do to put your mind at ease is to go to the local registry office and ask for a death certificate.

Do your family tend to lie to you?

TheMonster · 10/07/2012 18:40

Wow! Definitely look into it more.

Latara · 10/07/2012 20:09

I never met one of my Grandads but wanted to find out more about his life & his ancestors.
I knew his full name (it's an unusual name), the first name of his father (also an unusual name); the years of his birth & death, & the county he lived in when he died.

I was unsure of which town he was born in; but decided to start by phoning the local town hall (i knew he'd spent much of his childhood in my local town).
I went to that town hall, applied for & got a copy of the birth certificate - that way i learnt the address of the home where he was born, & his parents full names, & his father's occupation.
I don't know where he died exactly but i know which county it was. So i will contact the county council to find details of where i could get a copy of the death certificate.

You know which town your father died in; his death would be registered in the nearest town hall that has a register of births & deaths.

Phone that town hall & ask how you can get a copy of the death certificate. Provide as much detail as possible - date of birth, full name, date or year of death, place of death.
The death certificate should say what the cause of death was.
If your father was cremated then there may not be a memorial - in my family ashes were often scattered & a name left in the memorial book at the local crematorium if they were lucky (memorial stones are very expensive sadly).
The local crematoria & cemetaries staff are helpful as they keep records; they are used to talking to distressed relatives & are usually very kind.

You will find out for sure & that will help you find closure.

It's not easy when you come from a secretive or dysfunctional family - sometimes you can think they are hiding things when that may not be the case at all.

yellowflowers · 10/07/2012 20:13

I know it's macabre but am marking place as fascinated by this. No advice though - sorry.

Latara · 10/07/2012 20:20

Also; a lot of people choose not to view their relatives' body after death - with most of my family & friends i'd say it's more normal not to view the body of a deceased relative.
This may well have been true of your family - they may have preferred to remember your father as he was.
Even now some families still consider 11 to be very young & don't take children to funerals. What is normal for one family isn't always normal for another.

You say that your father could have survived his coma even then but didn't. The important fact to remember is that 2 people can have the same medical condition even now but there may well be different outcomes - depends on the general health of the person; their response to treatment & a whole variety of factors.

When you do get the death certificate it may help to speak to a doctor who has knowledge of the condition your father died from - then you may understand why he died when another person may have survived.

ivykaty44 · 10/07/2012 20:32

here it explains how to use the GRO index

PedanticPanda · 10/07/2012 20:40

I think it's normal to think that OP, my dad died when I was a baby and so I never went to a funeral or anything, my aunt identified the body too as my mum was in Scotland and he was in London. When I was young I'd have little fantasies of thinking he was alive and it was all a conspiracy as I didnt have any contact with the aunt so in my head she hadn't confirmed it to me so there was a chance it wasn't true iyswim.

Original poster
TRexAndMole · 10/07/2012 22:43

I don't know what to think. There is no record of him on those sites. I have his birth certificate but not death certificate. The guy I look after is the same age, has a daughter - even has my mum's name tattooed on his arm. One time he held eye contact with me for a few seconds - he isn't normally able to do that.
I have a history of paranoia yes. The rational side of me is saying I'm being ridiculous but another part of me is thinking "don't let it go, what if?"
I don't know what to do. My family think I'm crazy as it is.

OP posts:
2kidsintow · 10/07/2012 23:10

Wow TRex....those are a lot of co-incidences to work around. I'd go and request a death certificate. The fact that your Mum's name is tattooed on his arm would be a biggie for me. Is she still around to just ask whether your Dad had such a tattoo?

Original poster
TRexAndMole · 10/07/2012 23:14

He didn't, I've looked at old photos. He had some army tattoos but no names.

He was apparently cremated and I've been to "the tree" but to be fair, I have no proof it is "his" tree. And now I realise I sound irrational and paranoid but what if I'm right? what if he's been alive all this time? I can't imagine what it would be like seeing him again. I feel sick.

OP posts:
teanosugar · 10/07/2012 23:17

The man you look after, can you find out his date of birth? do you know his name?

My dad died when I was a toddler and is buried abroad but I have seen his death certificate and photos of his gravestone.

Original poster
TRexAndMole · 10/07/2012 23:18

Yes I have access to his whole medical records. I'm almost too frightened to look at them. I'm also frightened that if senior staff get wind of what I'm thinking - they'll be straight on the phone to the loony bin.

OP posts:
hiddenhome · 10/07/2012 23:19

Does your mum have a common name?

SerialKipper · 10/07/2012 23:21

Definitely agree with those saying the online stuff isn't fully accurate, and you should go to the local register office.

There are two sets of death registers: the locally held originals, and the General Register Office registers which are created with data sent from the local offices. The local ones should be more accurate as fewer steps for mistakes to creep in.

Also agree with the suggestion that you ask family about visiting a grave. If nothing else, it might prompt them to chat about him. As others have said, there's nothing intrinsically suspicious about you not having gone to the funeral.

But I don't think you're at all crazy to feel like this. It's a perfectly normal response to his death, triggered all these years later by caring for this bloke. Presumably this bloke has a different name from your father, so it seems very unlikely it would be him. Also, if staff know he has a daughter, maybe this is because they've met her? So she's not you, IYSWIM?

But it should be straightforward to investigate a bit further and find some answers - could be good closure for you.

hiddenhome · 10/07/2012 23:21

You're not being loony, you need questions answering.

Try to keep calm and don't tell anyone just yet. Try to find out what you can from your family.

SerialKipper · 10/07/2012 23:22

Sorry, x-posted. So this bloke you're caring for doesn't have your dad's army tattoos?

SerialKipper · 10/07/2012 23:23

And no, you won't sound loony mentioning it to anyone if you keep it at the level of, "Oh this bloke has really made me think of my late dad, it could so easily have been him."

Original poster
TRexAndMole · 10/07/2012 23:24

I found out about the daughter from medical records (I legally have access, not snooping). Earlier on a mad thought crossed my mind that maybe my colleagues are in on it too and that's why they're calling him by a different name. Then I realised how absolutely crazy that was. I'm so confused. On the one hand finding out he was still alive would be amazing - like a dream. The reality of him surviving such a thing and being like the patient I care for is actually sickening Sad then I feel bad for thinking that way. I just want it all to go away but I can't stop thinking about it now.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread