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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my dad could still be alive??

79 replies

TRexAndMole · 10/07/2012 16:59

So 20 years ago my dad died of a brain condition. He went into a coma for two weeks in which I saw him regularly. I was then told he had died. I did not see his body and I did not go to the funeral as I was told it would be "too upsetting" for me. I was 11.

Fast forward and I'm an adult looking after a patient who lives entirely in a vegetated state. I never knew what had happened to him but was told it happened "about 20 years ago".

Today, I found out he'd had the same condition as my dad but survived - although medically, he should have died.

A few hours later I'm sat in the staff room mulling things over and it suddenly occurs to me - I never saw his body, I never went to the funeral. Nobody ever talks about him. Could he still be alive?? maybe they all told me he'd died because of the state he was left in. What if he's alive in some nursing home somewhere and I don't know?

I want to phone someone and question them but they'll think I'm having "an episode" and I don't want that.

AIBU to be suddenly suspicious?

OP posts:
Original poster
TRexAndMole · 10/07/2012 23:26

No he has no army tattoos.

OP posts:
WetAugust · 10/07/2012 23:27

Not all the Death records have yet been digitised so the on-line search is not comprehensive.

Original poster
TRexAndMole · 10/07/2012 23:27

See that was another mad thought I had "maybe they removed his tattoos along with a false identity" - then my other conscience shouts "wtf are you on??"

OP posts:
G1nger · 10/07/2012 23:27

Trex - take some sick leave and go away for a few days. Take your mind off things x

NarkedRaspberry · 10/07/2012 23:29

Do you see anyone for mental health support. If so please contact them. You sound like you're starting to fixate on this and it could have serious repercussions for you if it comes out at work.

nailak · 10/07/2012 23:30

have you got a counsellor or someone that you talk to when you get paranoid? I think that it is a big coincidence, but it is not a cover up hun, they wouldnt remove his tattoos and change his name etc.

Original poster
TRexAndMole · 10/07/2012 23:31

Raspberry - I'm frightened to death to open that can of worms again Sad I know it all sounds crazy - which surely means I'm not crazy? because if I was, I wouldn't realise?

It's just that niggle of "what if" that I can't shake

OP posts:
NarkedRaspberry · 10/07/2012 23:35

It's not the end of the world! You need some support, that's all. The fact that you can't shake the feelings when rationally you know that they're incredibly unlikely to be true is a sign that this is starting to get out of hand.

You are still in control. You can choose to be positive about this and seek help now, before anything comes out at work.

SerialKipper · 10/07/2012 23:53

The death of a parent when you were so young is a huge thing. It's not at all surprising that suddenly being confronted with this bloke has stirred up feelings.

FWIW I've heard lots of similar things voiced by people with absolutely no history of MH probs. From thinking that the person telling them of the death is lying, to an irrational but deep-seated belief that they would die at the same age as their parent. You're rejecting these ideas as they come up, which sounds healthy.

But it's obviously a very stirring experience, and you don't want it to build up into anything. So if you're at all worried, as Narked says absolutely do ask for support.

squeakytoy · 11/07/2012 00:00

Is your mother still alive?

nailak · 11/07/2012 00:04

We all have little fantasy scenarios and narratives we build up in our head. Like we think of an3 event that may happen in the future or rewrite one that happened in the past, sometimes I create whole conversations with real life people in my head based on my perception of what would happen if this happened if I said this what would their reaction be etc and it can seem quite real, these sort of stuff always seem to be negative and sometimes I can't stop dwelling on it and embellishing it, and it affects my real life moods as if it is real sometimes, but it is the way a bad dream effects moods, there is a line that needs to be drawn. Once I know something is not true I keep it in my head and don't let it change my real life actions. I think you need some help drawing this line.

As for your illness you need to recognise the stages, the triggers, learn to feel yourself falling and beable to admit you are falling and need help before you have fallen too far to know you have slipped.

HmmThinkingAboutIt · 11/07/2012 00:04

I remember seeing something about the children of armed forces personal, struggling to deal and come to terms with the death of a parent as they were used to them being away a lot and just expected them to walk in the door again one day.

So it seems pretty normal that if you never got the closure of seeing your father after his death then your reaction could be to compare your current experience for obvious reasons. You are probably looking for things that aren't really there and jumping to conclusions as you want/need to make connections.

I don't think you are going mad. Just in need of the closure you've never really had.

HmmThinkingAboutIt · 11/07/2012 00:06

Btw, there are also a lot of errors on the GRO records. Just because you can't find it, doesn't mean its not there. Spelling mistakes are very common.

EightiesChick · 11/07/2012 00:28

I don't think the man you care for is very likely to be your dad, but can totally understand your desire to find out more about how he died. Hoping you get closure.

VegansTasteBetter · 11/07/2012 03:04

Doesn't your mother know where you work? Woudn't she be concerned if you were going to be working with your dad?

HecateHarshPants · 11/07/2012 06:56

I really think that you should go to your doctor and tell them all this. They can help you. There's no 'can of worms' to open. There's no shame in struggling. You wouldn't avoid going to the doctor if you had a stomach upset would you? oh, don't want to open that can of worms... No, you'd realise you needed some help and go get it.

This is no different.

If you are now starting to think your colleagues are colluding with your family to keep the secret that the man you are caring for is actually your dad - even if you are not thinking this consistently - you need to get some support. It's not going to go away. At the moment these thoughts cross your mind and the 'other you' yells bloody hell! Don't be stupid! but if you lose the other you - you'll be in trouble.

I have been sectioned in the past. At my worst, I thought a huge spider was trying to kill me because I had killed a little spider (her baby). It started off with intrusive thoughts that I dismissed and voices that were mine but weren't mine popping into my head and saying weird things and me functioning just fine, just thinking weird things and laughing at myself for thinking weird things. Then I stopped laughing.

You said that you have a history of paranoia. What is more likely? That the world is conspiring against you to keep your dad hidden from you for 20 years and everyone pretended he was dead - or that you are experiencing difficulties like before?

Just go to the doctor. They can help.

GColdtimer · 11/07/2012 07:21

Hecate is very wise

Take up he offers of help on hereTrex, or go to the local register office. Get a copy of his death certificate. It is the only way you will know for sure. But take care of your mental health too.

rhondajean · 11/07/2012 07:30

Trex I don't think this man is your dad, and I think you should follow hecates advice.

But I also think you do need to get some evidence of what happened to him 20 years ago to put your mind at ease. Most of what you are thinking is a natural reaction to what you have just found out. There are a few things you have posted that make me think you are not completely well at the moment though and I think you know that too.

Please take care of yourself and I hope you get it cleared up xx

JustFabulous · 11/07/2012 07:42

I think there are two seperate issues.

You care for someone who you think may be your dad.
You don't know for sure that your dad died years ago.

Your dad had tattoos, this man doesn't. If he had had them removed there would be scars.
You know your dad's date of birth. You don't know this man's birthday but you could check.
Your dad didnt have any names tattooed on him, this man does.

You could find out the death certificate for your father and then you will know.

Ask for help. You have done nothing wrong. It isn't impossible that your father is still alive but don't fixate on this man. It doesn't sound like he is your father for reasons I have already stated.

PeanutButterCupCake · 11/07/2012 08:41

As others have said it is very unlikely that this man is your DF.

I work in healthcare and I agree you need to take a few days off and speak to your GP or counsellor if you have one.

You may legally have access to this mans records but in the context of caring for him, not using them for anything else and any information from them should be totally confidential no matter what you find. Be careful....,

Original poster
TRexAndMole · 11/07/2012 09:13

Hi guys. So sorry for this madness yesterday - in the cold light of day I'm thinking "what the hell was I on about yesterday!?"

I'm quite embarrassed to have gone off on one and so glad I didn't start questioning people in real life over this.

Thanks everyone for being there and supporting some random nutter on the internet :) I do appreciate it and it did help to get some perspective.

It's my day off today thankfully x

OP posts:
HecateHarshPants · 11/07/2012 09:14

From one random nutter on the internet to another Grin - take care of yourself. xx

Original poster
TRexAndMole · 11/07/2012 09:18

Thanks Hecate :) and thanks for sharing your story with me xx

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 11/07/2012 09:33

Just to clarify - I looked on that site just to see if my mums death was registered on there....I couldnt find her and I was with her when she died so I know for sure she is dead!!

Op, hope you're ok

Empusa · 11/07/2012 09:34

Glad you are feeling better today OP :)