To refuse my BIL's and SIL's access to my children.

[121leah]

Long story short is that we are in a lot of debt. About £25000 which was ran up when my DH was out of work for a year. We have a £10000 loan and the rest is things such as catalouges which we sold all of the goods off to pay things such as rent and buy food etc and a few from next and Argos which where used to clothe DD's and buy some small birthday/Christmas gifts. This is all in DH's name and we have been slipping behind in payments to the catalouges etc, but we always keep up the loan repayments.
Anyway., DH still gets some mail to his parents house so his brother decided to take it upon himself and open all his mail. Found out how much debt we are in and start a huge fight.
All his other brothers and sisters have now joined in and said its all my fault and as his parents have sometimes borrowed us about £30 once in a while I am taking everybody for a "ride".
Please bear in mind I no longer have any engagement/wedding rings as they where sold to pay bills etc.
This has all came on to me because I spent £80 on some clothes online for my DD's which I can afford because I sold other clothes, which I do every few months, I don't lay out anybody's money on these and DH does not pay for them.
Well anyway I have now told them all not to speak to me and I want nothing more to do with any of them as whatever I do is seen as ripping people off and being a cow so I just want to sever all ties now, I have told DH he will have to pick a side eventually as they have stated that they will help him if I'm not in the picture and basically now he has an ok paying job to leave me and concentrate on himself.

My question is actually this : AIBU in not allowing them to come to my home to see my children, or allow them to take them out?
I have said to DH he is more than welcome to take the children to his parents house whenever he likes for them to see DD's they are just not allowed near me nor my home to upset me any further. Is this unreasonable?

Thanks :)

YABU to tell your dh he has to choose a side.

YANBU to not see horrible people if you still allow your dc to see them with your dh.

YABU because you're punishing your DC by refusing their access to their relatives over an issue that is nothing to do with them. If you don't want to see your ILs or have them in your home, fine.

FWIW I think it's ridiculous to keep spending so much money on clothes when your family is in serious financial difficulties. Surely you and your DH should be working to pay off this debt together, not keeping separate budgets. You could lose your home over this.

YANBU but I'd go one further. I wouldn't allow my children near them at all if that's what they think of me. It would hardly be a loss for the children not to see such shitty people who are encouraging their father to leave their mother break up their family.

Oh, and I'd wipe the fucking floor with them as well!

No, yanbu.

How controlling that your ILs wish to break up a family, separate a parent from their children because they perceive financial difficulties to be all your fault. Are there any other issues?

Have you tried debt counselling? Friends of mine had it and they found it extremely helpful. I think they went through the CAB.

Your thread title is misleading...you're not refusing them access to see your kids, you just don't want them in your house.

That's up to you as long as you never drag your kids into your petty squabbles.

Your BIL shouldn't have opened the mail but to be honest, if I thought someone was taking my parents for a ride and using their address to rack up debt, I'd probably open it too.

What does your husband say to them when they incorrectly blame you entirely for the financial situation?? Does he not contradict them and tell them that they are wrong? Totally not U to not see these horrid people who are trying to break up your marriage on a totally misguided idea that it's all your fault. I don't think you should ask your dh to pick a side but I do think you could ask him to explain that they have got it wrong.

Isn't it illegal to open somebody else's mail?

If he does have to choose a side though, the OP needs to let the parents be the ones to force it, because it is a wrong and unreasonable thing to do. OP can only control her own actions, not her in laws.

I think you have to stand together as a couple. You got into debt together, and together, as a team you'll get out of it given time, and providing your energies are not diverted into nonsense by outsiders.

Opening private mail is actually an illegal act. Something your DH needs to remind his family. He also needs to tell them to butt out. If he leaves you, all that will happen is that your joint incomes will be overburdened trying to maintain two homes, rather than just one - not economically sensible! He'd owe maintenance for the kids on top of the debts.

If you sell old clothes to buy new then that's pretty smart money management. (I only buy Primark as DS wrecks stuff long befor the hand me down stage). Growing kids need new clothes every few months - do none of his family have kids of their own?

Sit down as a couple, draw up a realistic plan to pay down your debts now DH is working again & ignore the opinions of those not having to shoulder the burden. Debt is stressful enough, without family break up too! There's a great forum on moneysavingexpert.com that might give you some fresh ideas. Be very sure you are doing ALL you can to help sort the debts (clever grocery shopping, walking instead of driving etc) so DH feels you support his efforts 100% - this will prevent his family being able to drive a wedge between you.

I personally would stay away from his family from now on - it's amazing how "busy" one can suddenly be when needed . Why have people visit to insult you in your own home?

I bet he suspected what was going on and opened the mail.
Why are debt letters going to your pils?
I would be seriously fucked off if my dbro and sil did this.
However they should not have blamed you on your own. I don't think yabu about not wanting them in the house.
But seriously, you racked up £25000 in a year? Are you sure the only reason they blame you is because of £80? Could there be more to this, such as dhs has told them things you are not aware about.
I would make it a priority to get your dh to give all his debtors his actual address. What happens if people turn up at your pils chasing payments? I really think your dh is being really thoughtless having stuff sent there.

Exactly Dprince

It's illegal to open someone else's mail yes

But it's also illegal to take out loans from an address you don't live at...especially if the owner of that house doesn't know about it.

OP, is that why your BIL opened it and went mad?

I wonder that you don't explain where your DH position is within this and how he is or isn't defending his wife and family situation....????

I wouldn't be having these ppl anywhere near me either and I would be saying to DH he can take the DC's to visit if he chooses to but you will have no part in it with any of the family.
How about your mil and fil?...where do they stand in this?...are they being this way towards you?...if not then you should continue your relationship with them...discuss things when they ask and not expect them to take sides on it...they probably care for all their family and are having an awful time stuck in the middle of this...be sympathetic to them and their difficult position...

bil and sil are possibly worried as this mail is coming to fil and mil address...I would be concerned too...but I would never open ppl's letters!!...totally wrong there....ignore the rest...you know truth from their lies and nastiness...ignore them and don't give them the satisfaction of seeing your pain and upset

It's up to your DH to sort this with his bro...bottom line....I would be pinning DH down about this....yes a certain amount of choice does need making and it has to be him doing it....

buying ans selling clothes on ebay or whatever is a great way to replenish kids clothing needs...I do this too and it saves me loads of money.

you and DH probably need to get some debt advice on organising a realistic re-payment plan with the different companies....this situation is a very common crisis for alot of ppl and seeking this proff help is a good way forward....

Do you or can you work to help bring in more imcome to the household....maybe this would be of help too...

Yanbu to refuse entry to your house to anybody however
yabu to offer any type of ultimation
yabu to keep borrowing any money from his family bottom line is if you can't afford to eat or pay lecky ect then stop buying clothes inless you don't have any
yabu to buy stuff on credit with the sole intention of selling it without paying for it first that's actually a crime

yabu to have post going there
yabu to not make an appoint to see cab or Christians against poverty for free proper debt advice
yabu to not get effective budgeting advice from the above named company
yabu to not take debt relif such as bankruptcy
yabu to put this all on your husbands head
yabu to place anyone in a possition of fearing for there own parents home

yabu to think that this seriously is only about £80 worth of eBay clothes
yabu to not get a grip look at the bigger picture
and yabu to talk to your dh like this if he spoke to you this way you would be very upset

I think there is a lot more to this story, but based solely upon what you've written, YANBU to not see his family when they clearly don't like you or support your marriage to DH.

DH should be sticking up for you if indeed you were both making sacrifices and doing what you could to get through a tough time.

Why buy clothes, wear them for a short time and then sell them? Why not keep them so that you do not have to spend more money which you haven't got on more clothes? If it's because your children grow out of them, buy from charity shops. Do you sell other artefacts to buy more of them? If you do, you have no comprehension of money management whatsoever.

If you have no money, you have nothing to spend so don't buy!!

It is illegal to open someone else s mail,

I would have threatened to ring the police after so much abuse.

lastnerve the problem with ringing the police or threatening to, is that the OP and her dh are not acting legally. She could threaten with the police and the old could say 'thats fine lets involve them' and the OP could find her and her dh in a whole lot of trouble.
I would be interested in what the pils position is.

This sounds dodgy! Having your mailing address separate to your home. That makes you pils credit rating suffer!

Maybe that's why bil opened the mail..... Bad credit scores

katherine credit ratings are not solely based on an address and havent been for years,its the named person with the score not where they live.

his parents can file a notice of dissassoation with the top 3 credit check firms if they wish to.

op it sounds like this is out of control and you are getting deeper into issues with your attempts to sort it out these attempts are actually breaking the law so you are being a criminal.
you can get help to sort it without getting into trouble from many free organisations please do,you will be surprised how much more in control and less stressed you will feel

10000 for a loan, and 15000 on catalogues to buy clothes and presents?

Are you out of your mind?

Yabu for all the reasons SOCK gave.

You have two children, your husband were unemployed for a year, and you STILL were spending like he was on a 25k salary? I am speechless.
I reckon you spent 25k on top of any benefits?

Do you work?
How much did you earn the year your dh was out of work?

How on earth can you say that you can afford to spend £80 on clothes when you are 25k in debt?

I am not surprised his family is siding against you.
To be honest, dont worry about them "upsetting" you (poor wee lamb), somebody needs to talk some sense into you. And your dh, for allowing this to happen.

Ive been in massive amounts of debt and it blinds you. Once you start missing payments on a regular basis it becomes all consuming. Whilst dh family are unfair to blame you as your dh is equally resonsilble your dh is being very unreasonable to not pay a bill that is register to his pils address, as he will he damaging there credit rating.

When I defaulted on payments the companies and bank wrote to me constantly maybe your bil and pils where concerned about the amount of letters turning up. Would you have preferred they returned then marked not at this address?

Tbh the more I think about the I think Yabu unless you has pil permission to use there address.

Also you involved pil in the debt by using their address and the problem then is everyone has an opinion

What does dh say?

That's a lot of catalogue bills for one year tbh did everything in your house need replacing?

The problem is that once you get in debt it. Wry quickly gets bigger with late payment fees and interest, bounced direct debts all add up and it justs grows. You end up with massive Minimum payments which don't cover the interest

Forget about the family stuff, you really do need to be serious about the debt. You can't have any money of your own, even for clothes for the kids.

If you are missing the catalogue payments you will end up in the county court, probably with a CCJ against you. This will bar you for some jobs.

If you have taken out debt at your PILs address they have every right to be angry with you.

Take this seriously.