To refuse my BIL's and SIL's access to my children.

[121leah]

Long story short is that we are in a lot of debt. About £25000 which was ran up when my DH was out of work for a year. We have a £10000 loan and the rest is things such as catalouges which we sold all of the goods off to pay things such as rent and buy food etc and a few from next and Argos which where used to clothe DD's and buy some small birthday/Christmas gifts. This is all in DH's name and we have been slipping behind in payments to the catalouges etc, but we always keep up the loan repayments.
Anyway., DH still gets some mail to his parents house so his brother decided to take it upon himself and open all his mail. Found out how much debt we are in and start a huge fight.
All his other brothers and sisters have now joined in and said its all my fault and as his parents have sometimes borrowed us about £30 once in a while I am taking everybody for a "ride".
Please bear in mind I no longer have any engagement/wedding rings as they where sold to pay bills etc.
This has all came on to me because I spent £80 on some clothes online for my DD's which I can afford because I sold other clothes, which I do every few months, I don't lay out anybody's money on these and DH does not pay for them.
Well anyway I have now told them all not to speak to me and I want nothing more to do with any of them as whatever I do is seen as ripping people off and being a cow so I just want to sever all ties now, I have told DH he will have to pick a side eventually as they have stated that they will help him if I'm not in the picture and basically now he has an ok paying job to leave me and concentrate on himself.

My question is actually this : AIBU in not allowing them to come to my home to see my children, or allow them to take them out?
I have said to DH he is more than welcome to take the children to his parents house whenever he likes for them to see DD's they are just not allowed near me nor my home to upset me any further. Is this unreasonable?

Thanks :)

You can have different billing and delivery addresses. I get all my stuff sent to my retired mothers house as she will be in.

Op is just doing it wrong lol

When I order online I have the stuff sent to work. Its possible the billing address and delivery address are not the same.
Or he could have told parents he was having it delivered there as he wouldn't be in. I have also had stuff delivered to my parents.
Or it could be the loan that is registered at his parents.

X post. :)

I think people have made some harsh responses. I'm afraid I have made some very unwise financial choices in the past, mainly out of unhappiness. When you're £25000 in debt somehow £80 isn't a big deal. I'm not saying that is right but it can feel that way.

It is totally out of order for the ILs to react this way, I am surprised anybody is condoning it or justifying it. We don't know they put their address down - it could well be that they only recently moved in and he still has his parents' house down as his permanent address. I have a bank account which is registered to my parents' house still. Yelling and screaming and telling people theyhave a "problem" won't solve anything. The OP has been foolish, she will be paying for this for a long time, the point is, people are allowed to make mistakes.

I think the ILs have behaved appallingly.

If you read the thread, most have said that the ils were wrong especially in blaming the OP, solely.
I have made bad financial decisions. Most people have at some point. Also just because you have a bank account registered to you parents does not make it ok. The post that went there was in relation to debt.
They got in this mess trying to make their rent. So they haven't lived with pils for at least a year, if at all.
Whatever the reason doesn't change that when the bailiffs come knocking it could be at pils. Which, imo, is wrong.

I did read the thread thanks :) I haven't seen anything about bailiffs - not one word. Other people have taken it from a few arsey letters from catalogue companies to bailiffs knocking the door down - bit of a difference!

The ILs would have been well within their rights to say "don't send post here please" but opening it - no!

You haven't read my last post, clearly.
I didn't say the 'if you have read the thread bailiffs have come to the parents house.
I said 'If you read the thread, most have said that the ils were wrong especially in blaming the OP, solely.'
Which in response to you saying you were surprised that anyone was condoning or justifying the ils behaviour.
I don't think what they did is ok, but I suspect there is a reason they did. They probably knew what was going on. Its not right, completely not right. But what the OP and her dh are doing is wrong. The ils should have handled it a different way, if they suspected what was going on.
The OP says they are missing payments. Missing payments leads to bailiffs. Its not an unreasonable jump to make. Its what happens.

It is possible to read a post and disagree :)

I read it. There is nothing in the OP which suggests they have been committing fraud, or If they are I am too as my parents still get mail for me. Lots of places ask for the place the debit card is registered to as the address. For some families it's just no biggie.

Thing is, that's him, that's what he has done - and the OP has been shouted at, told she's committing fraud and blamed for non existent bailiffs banging down the doors of her pils!

Yes, I think he needs to change his address and he needs to help sort out the finances as does she BUT this does not justify the manipulative and controlling behaviour of the ILs - on the info we have. And to be fair I doubt she'll come back to clarify after reading some of these responses. I really feel this is MN at its worst tbh: self righteous, judgey, jumping to conclusions and aggressive.

Disagreeing and twisting what the posts say are 2 different things.
And yes having a bank account at your parents is wrong, the bank should always have your most up to date details. :)
oh and i disagree completely with you last statement. If you have an issue with the posts, report them.

YABU to put this all on your husbands shoulders.

Your ILs WBU to open mail yes, but I really think that is a tiny insignificant problem in comparison to what you're going through right now.

And everyone on this threas is BU for flaming you, I can't even imagine how soul destroying that amount of debt must be.

Get some help with your debts and lack of spending control ASAP.

Thread*

teapots do you not know that selling goods brought on credit do not belong to you till they have been paid for,
or being in a significant amount of dept in relation to your income can lead to debt recovery issues? The first stage of this being letters.
Is it acceptable to bring that to someone elses door or risk it?

Why is having a bank account at your parents house wrong Dprince?

Because its a breech of the terms of the contract of the account that you enter with a bank when opening an account.

To be honest, if I was getting an awful lot of debt collection letters sent to my house in my son's name- I'd be bloody suspicious as well. Wou ldn't be the first time that fraud has been committed in someone else's name. Perhaps the BiL and SiL were concerned - not saying they were right to open the letters, but I would also be tempted.
And the reasons banks like to know your home address? Worries about Fraud.

I was told it was fine to use a postal address ie my mum and dad's- this was when I was living in flats with not particularly secure post. By more than one bank. Certainly it isn't a statutory thing. So either the terms and conditions of the contracts aren't universal or some banks aren't bothered (I don't have the terms and conditions of either of my accounts to hand right now so can't check). Either would indicate that using a postal address for bank correspondence isn't black and white wrong, anyway.

Having a different postal address is different.
The bank is clear you live elsewhere, but for security reasons have a separate postal address.
Completely different to the bank thinking you live in one place when you don't.

Well, they didn't want the actual address I was at either. MardyArsed's fraud point probably explains it best. Quite a lot of people, young adults particularly, are relatively transient. Changing address frequently, typically living in shared accommodation or flats where the post isn't as secure as it would be in a house. So with that in mind, it's probably more secure in most cases for the bank to have the parental address, which is less likely to change often or to be shared accommodation. Easier to get hold of people. I lost count of the number of obvious bank letters I used to have to return to sender when I lived in flats, from previous occupants who obviously hadn't bothered giving the new address. The bank probably would've preferred the parental address! Of course, not everybody has parents whose address they can use.

Should clarify that when I say 'most cases' I don't mean the population in general, but of people living the more transient lifestyle I described: shared accomm, moving at least once a year, living in homes with high turnover of tenants etc.

I think its important to remember we are not talking bank accounts in the OPs case. Its debt. Completely different situation. Completely different consequences.
Also the op is an adult with children, as is her dh. Not living a the life you describe.

Am that people (OP and her DH) could ever think buying things from catalogues to sell to fund rent/utilities/food is a plan. The interest rates on those things will be extortionate.
Losing your job and being unable to find another for a year is a nightmare. Having to deal with the welfare system is another. But that's what you have to do and adjust your way of living to within your means. Not spend £25k you don't have.
Your IL's are BU to blame you for what is you and your DH's massive error of judgement. But not as U as you and your DH are being by not getting down to CAB today to start dealing with your debt.

OP you need to go over to the MSE site and get help with the debts and deal with those. If you don't want to see his family, then don't see them. The 2 issues are separate. If you deal with the debts then his family have nothing they can say, and you can resolve both problems.

Perhaps her dh first acquired some of the debt before moving out of his parents' home? Hence the letters.

How has your dh responded to their accusations?

I don't think we really have enough information to judge how unreasonable the ILs are.

The OP says the PILs have sometimes lent them money "once in a while" but there is no knowing what exactly the OP understands by "once in a while" or whether the PILs can afford it or whether the OP has paid them back. If the BIL and SIL are worried about the parents, and would be the ones picking up the pieces, that will put a slightly different slant on it.

Again, if the OP is selling things which have not yet been paid for, there could be repercussions which will come to the door of the parents.

We don't know precisely what the situation is. The OP may think she is only borrowing small sums: the ILs may be worried.

I have a relative whose financial recklessness has brought a certain amount of concern to his siblings. You could say it is none of their business, but since he has got his parents tied up in some of his affairs it does concern them: they would end up having to support the parents if things went tits up.

Right Dprince but you made a blanket statement. You said the bank should ALWAYS have your most up to date details and having an account at the parental home is wrong. You didn't say it was ok in some circumstances but not in OPs, which is what I take exception to.