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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse my BIL's and SIL's access to my children.

82 replies

121leah · 09/07/2012 11:23

Long story short is that we are in a lot of debt. About £25000 which was ran up when my DH was out of work for a year. We have a £10000 loan and the rest is things such as catalouges which we sold all of the goods off to pay things such as rent and buy food etc and a few from next and Argos which where used to clothe DD's and buy some small birthday/Christmas gifts. This is all in DH's name and we have been slipping behind in payments to the catalouges etc, but we always keep up the loan repayments.
Anyway., DH still gets some mail to his parents house so his brother decided to take it upon himself and open all his mail. Found out how much debt we are in and start a huge fight.
All his other brothers and sisters have now joined in and said its all my fault and as his parents have sometimes borrowed us about £30 once in a while I am taking everybody for a "ride".
Please bear in mind I no longer have any engagement/wedding rings as they where sold to pay bills etc.
This has all came on to me because I spent £80 on some clothes online for my DD's which I can afford because I sold other clothes, which I do every few months, I don't lay out anybody's money on these and DH does not pay for them.
Well anyway I have now told them all not to speak to me and I want nothing more to do with any of them as whatever I do is seen as ripping people off and being a cow so I just want to sever all ties now, I have told DH he will have to pick a side eventually as they have stated that they will help him if I'm not in the picture and basically now he has an ok paying job to leave me and concentrate on himself.

My question is actually this : AIBU in not allowing them to come to my home to see my children, or allow them to take them out?
I have said to DH he is more than welcome to take the children to his parents house whenever he likes for them to see DD's they are just not allowed near me nor my home to upset me any further. Is this unreasonable?

Thanks :)

OP posts:
Dprince · 09/07/2012 15:10

Imo it doesn't matter if effects pils credit rating or not. Its wrong and its the pils door that will be knocked on.

Socknickingpixie · 09/07/2012 15:31

Ofcourse it's wrong I wasn't saying it was ok or anything in both my posts I made a point of saying what they are doing is a crime.

To use false info to obtain goods or services is fraud
to buy goods on credit with the sole intention of none payment is theft
and to sell goods where credit hasn't been resolved is fraud if the person buying dosnt know they arnt yours to sell and is effectivly selling stolen goods.

Fwiw I think it's pretty discusting to use older peoples addresses for this as they may not know it won't effect there credit,they might not know how to deal with balifs ect.chances are it scares the crap out of them

geegee888 · 09/07/2012 15:35

YABU. Very very YABU. You have your priorities all out of order.

WorraLiberty · 09/07/2012 15:37

Put it this way

How many people here, upon finding out their DB and SIL were in a massive amount of debt, would start a fight?

I'd simply think, 'Oh dear that's awful'.

Unless of course there's more to the story than the OP is letting on and I'd say the using of the parent's address is quite likely a big part of it....

VegansTasteBetter · 09/07/2012 15:40

Why would you allow anyone near your children who hates you so much? Especially without your supervision

butterfingerz · 09/07/2012 16:33

If the debt is racked up in your DH's name then it's unfair for them to be pointing the finger at only you. You need to sort it out as a couple. Your husbands no.1 priority should be to make sure all the debts he has are registered to his and yours address, not his parents, that is unfair.

If you've (you or DH) have defaulted on any repayments, the catalogue or whoever will refer you to a debt collection agency, they will send a letter to whatever address the debt is registered to, ie. your PILs. That is unfair on them and maybe that's the sort of letters they've uncovered. If they're aware of the degree of debt you're both in, this indicates that actually much of your debt is registered at your PILs, no wonder they are pissed off! They're probably worried about CCJs, bailiffs turning up etc.

I seriously suggest you and your husband take responsibility for your debts, not make idle threats against your ILs of not seeing your children. See CAB about figuring out a debt repayment plan, £25000 is massive!

There's no need to use catalogues for clothes, buy secondhand on eBay or charity shop, there's no shame in it, I do it and we're not really struggling, lots of people do. Once they're washed and ironed, nobody would know the difference.

Kayano · 09/07/2012 16:46

Maybe they are worried because all the debt is in his name when it is both your debt?

My ex sil made sure that all their debt was in bils name then fucked off to shag ransoms in Kent

(not that I'm saying you would do that btw)

Bil is still paying it back, paying her car finance which she got the car in her name, living with pil and struggling to survive while she harps on about being skintight despite him paying more than required maintenance.

GeekLove · 09/07/2012 16:54

Can't help noticing the op hasn't been back...

KatherineKavanagh · 09/07/2012 17:08

Funny that!

Cokeaholic · 09/07/2012 17:14

Am I right in guessing that you purchased things from catalogues in order to sell them to generate funds to pay rent and utilities and this is how you ended up with such a massive amount of catalogue debt but no goods to show for it ?

Seriously bad idea and using someone else's address is fraud !

You have a financial understanding problem if you think that shopping at Next for clothes or buying any new clothes online is O.K. when you are that much in debt. You need to be shopping on ebay for 2nd hand stuff or frequenting charity shops.

You want to cut off access as you can't face up to people who are very likely to judge you for the position you are in. You need to suck it up and get on with life rather than let your pride get in the way.

Johnnydeppsnewmrs · 09/07/2012 17:21

I think you need to go to CAB and get some help fast!
Show his family that you are actively trying to sort all your debts.
Were his parents aware of the debt you were getting in to?

Maybe they are angry that it has got this far, and you didn't ask for help sooner?
They might have helped a lot to stop you getting to this point (even if it was by support not money).

nkf · 09/07/2012 17:22

The problems with your impasse are nothing compared to the debt. Deal with that as a priority.

Johnnydeppsnewmrs · 09/07/2012 17:25

Plus Next is not cheap. If you want to buy new why not buy value range at supermarkets?
I buy my DC value range and they do wear and wash well. ASDA and Sainburys do great ranges, and at about £1.75 a pair of jeans for DS(2.7years) and about £2.50 for DD (clothes age six, but 5.6years old).
Also Primark do nice t-shirts cheaply, from £1 each.
As my gran always said children need 3 outfits. Thats it. One to wear, one to wash and one for spare.

nkf · 09/07/2012 18:06

Impasse? Inlaws. Have you ever looked at Debtors Anonymous (DA?) Not saying your debting is compulsive but you do seem to have made some unwise choices.

mynewpassion · 09/07/2012 19:11

My first thought was with Kayano. Both you and your husband racked up debt under his name only. If he was my brother, I would be having words with him, too, and a few choice words about you.

He gets all the burden and you get a clear name.

TenaciousOne · 09/07/2012 20:06

Yabu for all the reasons kayano gave.

KatherineKavanagh · 09/07/2012 20:08

Doubt op will be back...

Dprince · 09/07/2012 20:25

katherine I agree. don't really think she wanted to know if she was being unreasonable.
Maybe she decided admitting to fraud wasn't a great thing to do on a public forum and wouldn't get mush sympathy.

Dprince · 09/07/2012 20:26

Mush sympathy? MUCH sympathy.

nkf · 09/07/2012 20:28

Where's the fraud? I missed that It would be a shame if she missed out on good advice.

Viviennemary · 09/07/2012 20:34

They were totally out of order to open mail addressed to your husband. The fact that you are in debt and how much you spend is absolultely none of their business unless you go begging to them for money which I assume you don't. Nevertheless, families do worry about each other and perhaps your relatives are concerned about the amount of debt you are in. I think you need to get your finances in order. Concentrate on paying off debts and cutting down spending to the bare minimum.

RabidAnchovy · 09/07/2012 20:37

£25,000 Shock
£10,000 to next and argos Shock
When you are that broke clothes come from the charity shop and Christmas and birthday gifts are forgotten about

Dprince · 09/07/2012 21:24

He has loans with people who believe he lives at his parents. That's fraud. Buying things from catalogues with the intent of selling on could also be considered fraud.
I also disagree with Vivienne when he is telling loans companies he lives at his parents that's where they will come looking. I think it does have something to do with the family.
I would get involved if dbro did that to my parents.

rhondajean · 09/07/2012 21:45

25k spent is the equivalent of about a 35k salary!

KatherineKavanagh · 09/07/2012 21:47

If his billing address is the parents..... Then where were the catalogue goods delivered to?

Surely that amount of 'stuff' arriving if parents address was used would alert them