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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to rip his face off

85 replies

nickster1978 · 08/07/2012 11:00

OH goes back to work tomorrow after paternity leave. He has just rang work to check his hours for the week and been told he needs to work tonight. Now all he has done is promise me that he will give me lots of support after I had Lo as there were issues when I had our 20 month old. As 20 month old is not sleeping through yet I think that's its unreasonable for him to be working nights. He has probably worked a night shift 4 times in the last 4 years. He should have been working 7-4 tomorrow. I now feel upset as I will be up feeding a 4 week old who is keeping me up loads. And also a 20 month old along with meeting the needs of my other children. One of whom is ASD and another wets the bed. AIBU???

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 08/07/2012 11:03

Does he have a choice?

Gentleness · 08/07/2012 11:04

YANBU to be furious with whoever is responsible. Not sure it is your dh though. Poor you.

Can dh call back and say that is too short notice? I'd have thought it was their responsibility to tell him if there was a change to the 7-4 shift so if he didn't call, he wouldn't have turned up till 7 anyway!

Akermanis · 08/07/2012 11:04

Can he refuse to do the night shift? or is it part of his T&C?

nosleepwithworry · 08/07/2012 11:04

Naa go on rip hs face off.

But he will still have to work tonight!

Do you ahve any family of friends that could come tomorrow and help you out while OH is in bed?

SoleSource · 08/07/2012 11:06

Welcome to the harsh realities of parenthood.

Original poster
nickster1978 · 08/07/2012 11:06

I would think he has a choice as his paternity.leave does not offically end until midnight and it states in his contract that they must give 24 hours notice for a change of working hours.

OP posts:
ThisIsAUsername · 08/07/2012 11:09

YABU. What are you going to do during the day with the children, alone? Night times always seem so much worse because you know that everyone else is asleep and it is a lonely time to be pacing the floors with crying baby. But in reality, it can be just as hard during the day. You will be just as tired.

It's not his fault he has to work nights, I'm assuming he didn't volunteer to do them and doesn't have a choice in the matter.

ThisIsAUsername · 08/07/2012 11:11

Plus he probably doesn't want to start demanding all sorts of special shifts to fit around his families needs before he has even gone back to work. He will be replaceable, with someone who will take any hours god sends.

FutTheShuckUp · 08/07/2012 11:12

Only on MN have I heard so many mothers who seem unable to 'cope' without their DH/DP's 'help'...you will be doing it sooner or later, you will all survive, have some faith in yourself

LucieMay · 08/07/2012 11:17

You want to rip his face off for being a hard worker who holds down a job? Good god you are definitely being unreasonable.

Original poster
nickster1978 · 08/07/2012 11:19

To be fair he isn't demanding special shifts as he was supposed to not be working until tomorrow and our 20 month old sleeps with him to allow me to manage the baby.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 08/07/2012 11:20

Um. 4 week-old babies do wake up loads. As you have other children I assume you expected this?

I know it's hard, but it's his job. What do you expect him to do?

GreenEggsAndNichts · 08/07/2012 11:20

That first month or two with a baby was SO damned tough for me, and I can't even imagine it with another baby as well (is a reason I've put off having another, actually- I realised my limitations!)

That having been said.. I know you won't agree because you're under a load of stress, but he's going back to work, and you'll need to learn to cope. If you're unable to cope, then you'll need to find a way to get help. But one of you has to work, and coming down on him like a tonne of bricks isn't going to help.

featherbag · 08/07/2012 11:21

YAB a bit U, but poor you, you sound so sleep deprived it's hardly any wonder! I'm sure you know you're being unreasonable deep down, just as I'm sure your DH doesn't want to work nights. Sit down with him and work out how you can support each other while he's at work. Nights have advantages - DCs can sleep in with you to make things easier, an DH will be able to take over childcare duties for a few hours before he goes to bed so you can shower/sleep/eat.

I hope you feel better soon - remember you will get through it, and that there will always be some unsympathetic unhelpful types on MN to make you feel that little bit worse when you already feel shit sole

Original poster
nickster1978 · 08/07/2012 11:21

No I want to rip his face of for expecting me to do everything - luciemay.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 08/07/2012 11:22

Working nights is no walk in the park either.

They make you feel sick, affect your appetite and zap your energy.

Also, he's going to find it very difficult to sleep the following day with the kids in the house....so I doubt he's really looking forward to it either.

Gentleness · 08/07/2012 11:22

It is a shock though to hear this at such late notice when it's obvious from the OP that night shifts have been very rare in the past. Feel for you OP - hope you feel a bit calmer now. You will cope, but sometimes having a rant gets you nearer coping faster.

Becky2011 · 08/07/2012 11:23

That sounds rubbish, poor you. Yes I would be annoyed too, I would have liked dh to try to avoid doing that if it was my dh. Does he feel he can't say no? If that's the case it will be tough in you, but you will do it & survive & catch up on sleep somehow. Any relatives around who could stay over?

rubyslippers · 08/07/2012 11:24

YABU

But you have a lot on your plate

Try to get it in perspective - its one night shift

Get the older ones sorted and in bed, then you go too ... You will be up with a little one but that is par for the course

If you have a light supper and spend the evening dozing you may feel calmer

Lots of partners have to do night shifts or work away so you need to find ways to cope as best you can by making life easier

Being angry at your DH won't help - doesn't sound like it's his fault

Original poster
nickster1978 · 08/07/2012 11:25

I suppose I am being unreasonable. I'm so bloody tired and when we sit down to eat he is oblivious to me trying to get a forkful in my mouth while nursing the baby and then when he's finished he wanders off while I'm still struggling with my cold tea.

OP posts:
ThisIsAUsername · 08/07/2012 11:25

Hmm expecting you to do everything? Has he actually said he expects you to do everything?

He is going to work. He needs to do this to support his family. I know it seems like the world is against you when you're this sleep deprived, but it isn't. He will be just as sleep deprived when he gets home and tries to sleep with a bustling house of children below him.

Did you both choose to have this many children?

MigratingCoconuts · 08/07/2012 11:28

i can understand that it is tough in those first 6 weeks or so but this is a slight over reaction to what amounts to him doing the job he is paid to do!

Original poster
nickster1978 · 08/07/2012 11:30

Nanny - They do don't they? But along with a 20 month old tandem feeding in the middle of the night is no picnic.

OP posts:
HeadfirstForRomance · 08/07/2012 11:30

So he's been on paternity for 4 weeks? That's pretty good actually!

HeadfirstForRomance · 08/07/2012 11:34

When I had ds1 (by c-section) dd was 15 months old and dh had just started a new job on agency. He had the day of the birth off, and 2 days after I got home from hospital. He didn't dare have more time off. I fully supported him, we had to pay the mortgage. I can't say I wanted to "rip his face off".

No, it's no picnic, but you just get on with it, what other choice is there?