Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

to want to rip his face off

85 replies

nickster1978 · 08/07/2012 11:00

OH goes back to work tomorrow after paternity leave. He has just rang work to check his hours for the week and been told he needs to work tonight. Now all he has done is promise me that he will give me lots of support after I had Lo as there were issues when I had our 20 month old. As 20 month old is not sleeping through yet I think that's its unreasonable for him to be working nights. He has probably worked a night shift 4 times in the last 4 years. He should have been working 7-4 tomorrow. I now feel upset as I will be up feeding a 4 week old who is keeping me up loads. And also a 20 month old along with meeting the needs of my other children. One of whom is ASD and another wets the bed. AIBU???

OP posts:

Original poster

nickster1978 · 08/07/2012 15:04

Happy - he has had four weeks paternity leave. This time has not been spent sharing the parenting. He has seen it an extra four weeks holiday and has used it as such x

OP posts:

Original poster

nickster1978 · 08/07/2012 15:11

Headfirst - he saw it as his given right to have four weeks off regardless of whether we could afford it or not.

OP posts:

Inertia · 08/07/2012 15:17

Sounds as though the problem is his entire attitude towards you and the children, not simply tonight's work shift. How has he taken the 4 weeks as holiday? Has he genuinely done no childcare / household stuff at all ? If so I'm amazed that you have managed to hold your tongue up to now; I'd have been very very clear with him about his lack of effort with family life while off work.

HeadfirstForRomance · 08/07/2012 15:18

Okay, I'm getting why you're so angry now, not because he's going back to work but because of his lack of support for you . I don't really know what to advise but you're not BU to be pissed about that.

Original poster

nickster1978 · 08/07/2012 15:21

Inertia - I have spoken to him and he promises but nothing changes. And then he cries - like all the time.

OP posts:

thebody · 08/07/2012 16:02

'he cries' why don't understand?

thebody · 08/07/2012 16:08

'he cries' why don't understand?

Dprince · 08/07/2012 16:10

Yabu and really seem a very angry person.
Regardless of how baby came along (although its not really the operation being cancelled that got you pg) the baby is here. Its one night. You said he has done 4 nights in 4 years its not excessive.
I also can't imagine what would be said if a man came here and said he wanted to rip his wifes face because she had to work a night shift and he couldn't cope with the kids.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 08/07/2012 16:11

my Dh had one hours paternity leave and we lived in a hole in the ground with 12 children under the age of 5. Feel better now OP?

Yanbu

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 08/07/2012 16:12

Op is clearly feeling angry and venting. Presumably a she won't actually rip his face off

Dprince · 08/07/2012 16:15

I know she wouldn't do it (hopefully) but there would be outrage if a man said that a woman. And rightly so.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 08/07/2012 16:25

No, you are right, I'd be shocked. It's not language I'd choose but sounds like the op is feeling desperate and I'd rather talk about that.

thebody · 08/07/2012 16:29

To be honest during those sleep deprived months I could cheerfully have wanted to rip of the face of anyone who slept all night.

ESP other mums who boasted how their babies slept thru at 2 freakin hours old.

Hope u ok op.

Original poster

nickster1978 · 08/07/2012 18:11

Thanks Jamie and the body. Of course I didn't actually rip his face off just felt really angry. I am tired, really tired and am expecting too much support. The ladies on here sound like they can handle a lot and I wish that I was as strong as they are.

The body - I don't really know why he cries, he seems over emotional or manipulative??? I don't know.

OP posts:

Inertia · 09/07/2012 19:54

Nickster, you are not expecting too much support. That's the entire point of fathers taking paternity leave - it's intended as time for the father to support the new mother. He might have been stuck with his work hours, but him taking 4 weeks off and doing absolutely bog all to help you takes the piss.

It's irrelevant whether other women got by with no help. Your DH took time off as PL, he was in a position to help you, and he chose not to. If he is repeatedly crying and then doing nothing, it starts to like turning the tap on and off to stop you asking -as you say, it's manipulative behaviour from him.

SecretPlace · 09/07/2012 21:00

'this baby came along due to his cancelled vasectomy appointment'

No it didn't. It came along because you chose to have sex.

YABU. I'm sure he'd rather be at home. Be thankful he got 4 weeks off at all.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 09/07/2012 21:08

SecretPlace - what the actual?

Pumpster · 09/07/2012 21:09

If it was just about the nightshift I would say yabu. But it sounds like you have not had much support from him so I would say yanbu. Poor you x

SecretPlace · 09/07/2012 21:12

What Jamie?

It sounded like she was blaming him for the baby being there at all.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 09/07/2012 21:14

SecretPlace

OK. I may have over-reacted. You are right. Unless he cancelled it without telling her, which is how I read it at first. Sorry

EmptyCrispPackets · 09/07/2012 21:18

It is tough. But 4 weeks is amazing.

My husband was allowed a week off when our first was born. Wouldn't have been so bad but she was in hospital in another part of the country in NICU for 3 weeks after she was born, I had another child at home who he looked after and drove to see us in the evening and it was so hard. Espeically as I couldn't drive due to CS. I took her home from hospital to a empty house and it wasn't great and it caused loads of problems between us for a long time as I felt unsupported and blamed him, when in actual fact he had no control over it bar walk out on his job.

I'm looking forward to this time being totally different.

SecretPlace · 09/07/2012 21:23

empty that's awful :( I hope this time is much better!

SardineQueen · 09/07/2012 21:28

Just reading this and wanted to mention that by law men are entitled to 2 weeks paternity leave (if they are employed) at the statutory pay rate.

Not sure what the situation is for self employed.

Seems that many people are not aware of this.

NoWuckingFurries · 09/07/2012 21:34

SardineQueen It may be that when the baby was born statutory paternity pay hadn't come into effect (or did not even exist). Or it just wasn't financially viable, as in my DH's case. He took two weeks off work but only the first was paternity leave. The second was regular holiday as we couldn't afford the drop in income.

EmptyCrispPackets · 09/07/2012 21:35

Yeah I thought it was 2 weeks but as she came early no time was negotiated or anything so he got paid a weeks emergency AL. Plus a week was better on his usual wage than 2 weeks paternity.

It was all a bit of a mess and not what you need on top of a very ill baby!

He owns the company now so although he's self employed per se, he's having off nearly 2 weeks and I'm over the moon about this. Just need this baby to stay where he or she is until planned!

Flip

1 2 3 4