Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to rip his face off

85 replies

nickster1978 · 08/07/2012 11:00

OH goes back to work tomorrow after paternity leave. He has just rang work to check his hours for the week and been told he needs to work tonight. Now all he has done is promise me that he will give me lots of support after I had Lo as there were issues when I had our 20 month old. As 20 month old is not sleeping through yet I think that's its unreasonable for him to be working nights. He has probably worked a night shift 4 times in the last 4 years. He should have been working 7-4 tomorrow. I now feel upset as I will be up feeding a 4 week old who is keeping me up loads. And also a 20 month old along with meeting the needs of my other children. One of whom is ASD and another wets the bed. AIBU???

OP posts:
HeadfirstForRomance · 08/07/2012 11:35

Oh and the reason he had started a new job is because he had been laid off, he didn't decide to start changing jobs a week before the birth just for fun or anything.

Original poster
nickster1978 · 08/07/2012 11:36

Username - No he doesn't expect me to do everything but I do because if I didn't it wouldn't get done, dispite his promises. And I am hardly a kept woman as I pay my share of the bills.
And no we didn't plan this many children, our baby came along due to his cancelled vasectomy appointment.

OP posts:
WicketyPitch · 08/07/2012 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

doggiemumma · 08/07/2012 11:41

There are otehr forms of contraception other than vasectomy though!

Here, hvea a Brew the caffeine will help :) Sorry you are having a difficult time of it just now. I hve a 15 year gap between my daughters and i can't imagine how people cope with lo's so close together.

ChickensHaveNoLips · 08/07/2012 11:49

YABU, but you're tired and 4 weeks postpartum so it's to be expected. Stop struggling and silently seething, and start handing him small children when you need a hand.

JustFabulous · 08/07/2012 11:52

YABU, of course you are. He might not have a choice.

Nanny0gg · 08/07/2012 11:58

So until he goes to work, make sure you get time to put your feet up. If necessary get a take-away for tea, and make ask him to bath the children before he goes. And if he can entertain the older ones this afternoon so much the better.

pumpkinsweetie · 08/07/2012 11:59

YABU-he probably doesn't have a choice!
My dh has worked nights for 8 years, its unfortunate but i have to deal with wet beds, sleepness nights etc if they occure except on weekends but tbh he is hardly helpful as he is too tired anyway.
Its only for one night, im sure he would rather be at home if he could be.
I remember those first weeks when first left alone with a newbaby, terrifying but in time you will cope fine op x

MeconiumHappens · 08/07/2012 12:07

May i suggest that ripping the balls off my be a better solution to your predicament than the face?
Seriously YABU, but thats ok because you have a 4 week old baby and its incredibly hard with the other childrens demands on top. However, its not DH fault he has to work, and if he's working the next day ho much use woud he really have been tonight. You will just have to plod on. 4 weeks pat leave is brill, lots of people have less/none.
Keep calm and carry on.

McHappyPants2012 · 08/07/2012 12:22

i can understand why you are angry, but the bills ect need to be paid and he has to go back to work.

IAmSherlocked · 08/07/2012 12:29

YANBU to be tired and in need of support.

But am I the only one disturbed by the fact that you want to 'rip his face off'? Confused

Imagine the reaction if a man came on here and said that about his wife.

I'm sure your OH wouldn't choose to work nights. But be glad he has a job in the current climate - there are plenty who'd snap his job up in a second if you want him to resign and stay at home with you, I'm sure.

paradisechick · 08/07/2012 12:43

I'm quite disturbed at the casual use and acceptance of such violent language and trying to think of what kind of place it would be acceptable for a man to speak about a woman in such a disgusting manner.

Original poster
nickster1978 · 08/07/2012 13:35

Headfirst - 4 weeks is lovely, especially when its unpaid. He has had a great holiday from work.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 08/07/2012 13:43

Are you still feeding your 20 month old? If so, if I were you I would stop that. OK, OK, people may flame me and I don't care. I fed my child until she was 18 months so I'm hardly against extended breastfeeding. Once I stopped feeding her, she started to sleep through.

What's most important now is that you don't get too tired and you don't get depressed.

Go to bed when the children go to bed. Take a book with you and act as though that's your bedtime. If you spend from 8pm in bed, you will feel much more rested than if you go to bed at 11pm.

I doubt it's your husband's fault, unless he deliberately asked for a night shift. The problem is that he'll need to sleep tomorrow. When is his next shift?

BatCave · 08/07/2012 13:55

My DH would sympathise with you OP, he's moaning today because im working tonight and its ruined his plans for the weekend and he finds it stressful putting 2year old DD to bed. I am silently mega pissed off, as to cap it all he's arranged a driving lesson for 10am tomorrow so I won't be able to sleep when I get home. Oh, and im 28 weeks pregnant in a busy stressful job and the nights are really hard at the moment.

Its a shit situation for you, I can only advise: see it as a challenge, prepare yourself and give yourself a huge pat on the back come morning when you've got through it, I bet it won't be as bad as you think.

Rather than blame you H support him, its no walk in the park for him either. I can guarantee if you pull together you will find it a hell of a lot easier.

AngryAnderson · 08/07/2012 14:03

YAB a bit U but I completely sympathise! My DH doesn't work particularly bad hours but I hate him going as he is my only real source of help.

Believe in yourself and your own strength. It will be hard but u will get thru this and be proud of your own ability to cope. You are a mum of two now and that means you are capable of amazing things :)

Sleep with the kids if u can, have an early bedtime if u can and you'll get thru it x

HeadfirstForRomance · 08/07/2012 14:08

"4 weeks is lovely, especially when its unpaid."

I presume you could afford it though, if not why take so much time off?

With dc4 dh took 3 weeks off, 1 week was holiday pay, the 2 weeks were the basic paternity leave (£100 a week).
We knew we would be down £600+ for those weeks so had to save for it. I count ourselves lucky to have been able to do that.

As I said before he only took 3 days off with dc2 as we were so skint and had to keep the wolves from the door at the time. He had my full support on each occasion.

thebody · 08/07/2012 14:12

It's tough with newbi and other kids.. I been there as suspect most posters have and my dh workes away mon to fri.

Gettin definatly need to sort out a 20 month sleeping thru, try controlled crying, stop rocking or what ever else you are doing when he wakes up so you just have 1 child to get up to.

Wet beds are a major pain but it's life, dc will grow out of it, try night nap

DesperatelySeekingPomBears · 08/07/2012 14:13

Maybe I'm the only one to notice, but you seem far angrier with your DH for being unhelpful even when he is at home and the nightshift seems to be the final nail in the coffin, am I right?

I don't blame you for your use of language, my DP is also a fucking lazy bastard who needs a cattleprod firmly up his arse to remove him from the couch and get him helping out with the housework. Personally I've learnt to breathe deeply and remind myself that since he purposefully fucks up any task set to him so I just do it myself in future, that I'm perfectly capable of doing it without him.

You can do the same OP, honestly, it sounds like you're doing it all yourself anyway. And next time he leaves you to finish your cold tea AND feed the baby after enjoying a hot meal himself, quietly order yourself a take away and, when it arrives, wordlessly dump the baby on his lap and take yourself off the bedroom to eat. With the door closed.

thebody · 08/07/2012 14:14

Night nappies and rubber sheet ( lots in boots).

It will all get better.

Don't understand the attitude to your dh though, he presumably has to work and I would have been delighted at 4 weeks paternity leave.

thebody · 08/07/2012 14:16

Desperately... What a really sad post. You arnt describing a marriage but a nasty war.

Seriously awful to be living like that.

AlmostAHipster · 08/07/2012 14:17

Sorry but you are being unreasonable and I'm a bit shocked that you're so angry with him.

When I had my children, I took the majority of the responsibility for them whilst on maternity leave because I wanted to. My ex-husband did what he could when he wasn't at work. It wasn't ideal - 50/50 childcare is ideal - but life gets in the way when you need to work to keep a roof over your heads.

I think you need to look at what you can do to make your arrangements easier to handle. If that means all the kids in your bed while your partner's on nights, then so be it. But give the poor man a break (and I very rarely stick up for the bloke!).

HeadfirstForRomance · 08/07/2012 14:19

I can sympathise with the wet beds, we've just had to put dc4 (aged 4) back in pull-ups for bedtime and I feel like using them all day aswell. He has a speech delay and possibly ASD (like his brother and sister). So I do get why you're stressed, I just don't think it's anyones fault.

Had you posted, "aibu to be fed up and stressed about dh going back to work early and doing nights" you would probably get more yanbu's :)

AlmostAHipster · 08/07/2012 14:22

However, if he is a lazy twonk who doesn't help out at all, then you have my full permission to go all radgey on his arse :)

TheHappyHissy · 08/07/2012 14:25

"No I want to rip his face of for expecting me to do everything"

Hold on. This bloke has just taken paternity leave.... He's shared much of the parenting so far.

My effing Ex wasn't even working but refused to do any bloody thing for me when I had my DS (who slept NO MORE than 20m at a time for the first MONTH)

You need to see what it is to live with an entitled misogynistic prick before thinking of ripping your H's face off for getting up and going to work.

Sorry, but YABU. I think the most helpful thing I can do is to suggest that you talk to him about how and when you could hand over to him for a break when he gets in, for a while, before he has to go to sleep for the next shift. He won't want/need to come in and go straight to sleep, will he?