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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit off with DW after hen night and cp strippers...

121 replies

shouldkeepquiet · 07/07/2012 23:01

Brief details: My DW was invited on hen night two weeks ago and there was talk of them seeing some stripper. TBH she was a bit unhappy about that part of the night as it's not really her thing at all.
I told her she should go as all her social group were going and the hen is one of her best friends.

OP posts:
TheEnthusiasticTroll · 08/07/2012 00:23

I think the reason it would have a different responce is because it is a different experience. I do agree it is similar exploitation and to have hundreds of woman jeering shouting and letching is a very similar display of disrespect, however I do think that they are very different shows and sisplays of sexual gratification and I think that is the explinantion as to why ops wife is playimg this over in her mind and commenting, strangly as she is, I think it is to proccess what she has experienced.

I think if she wheremaking direct comparisions or saying I wish you had a big cock like that stripper,or they where so sexy and masculine etc. she is not doing that what she is expressing is a little more complex I feel.

thirdfromleft · 08/07/2012 00:25

Your wife is being mean and insensitive. Call her on it and ask her to think about the roles being reversed. If she doesn't care enough about your feelings to modify her conversation then you may be in a relationship with the wrong person, though to be honest someone who says these things in the first place either has no brain or no empathy for the other person.

Must make you feel like shit. You have my sympathy.

Original poster
shouldkeepquiet · 08/07/2012 00:25

I must admit i'm a little surprised but the ammount of posters saying that they don't find the strippers attractive. I guess the only other info i had was looking at the review's of similar shows and a good half of the comments were all about how hot the guys were ect and not about how funny ect the night was. I guess they could have been written by the promoters!

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 08/07/2012 00:26

I think it's just rank hypocrisy.

If the OP were a woman he would have much more support and the posters condemning strip clubs and porn would be falling over themselves to comment.

Cheriefroufrou · 08/07/2012 00:29

I think the male vs female strippers..
both v exploitative sure
but the males are exploited in a court jester kinda way
the women are exploited in a more sexual way (even though they are doing the same thing.. its somehow.. no so about sexual pleasure when it's men)

its the same... and different?

AgentZigzag · 08/07/2012 00:29

But posters are supporting the OP sooty, but getting across just how ridiculous such an act is to reassure him it's unlikely his DW is having any thoughts that she wished he was more like them.

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 08/07/2012 00:29

I think it would all depend on what types of comments he would be making and his reasons for the comments,if we were looking at a reversed thread where it was a man visiting a strip joint.

HoneyDragonWearingLederhosen · 08/07/2012 00:30

Well it sounds like you are a nice normal man, with normal insecurities and you wife a nice normal woman with a normal reaction to having seen a stripper for the first time.

Give it another week, if she doesn't brandish a flurescent thong at you and attack you with a penis pump I thInk you can safely assume she was only trying to share the weirdness of having half a dozen mutantly large spangly shlongs wanging around in her general direction.

It was probably a lot to take in < no pun intended>

AgentZigzag · 08/07/2012 00:30

And which makes me think there must be another reason for her saying it.

Original poster
shouldkeepquiet · 08/07/2012 00:32

to troll
No she hasn't made direct comments like that but being a man i guess i make that jump in my head myself. There are loads of throw away comments i the media - even threads on here in the past- that bigger is always better ect. I guess - and i know you'll say i'm wrong- i'll be thinking next time we have sex - is she still thinking about .........

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 08/07/2012 00:32

But posters are supporting the OP sooty

Agent, I'm not disputing that there have been some supportive responses. I just think this thread would have been very different in terms of tone and in terms of the posters who responded if the genders had been reversed.

joanofarchitrave · 08/07/2012 00:35

I think the OP's wife is behaving selfishly. I think in general that posters have been less condemnatory of her behaviour than we would have been had she been a man, because we can collectively be quite sexist. I have seen a lot of threads that aren't sexist in this way, but IMO it would be daft to say it never happens, and here's a bit of proof.

My outline guess is that men who strip do have more choices in life than the women who strip, but I may be outdated in believing that.

mynewpassion · 08/07/2012 00:36

I see the hypocrisy. It's okay to dismiss his feelings because male strippers are jesters and female reactions are just superficial so he should ignore his hurt.

If it was a woman saying her DH going on about the female strippers big breaststroke, the reactions would be different.

Op, should tell your work wife that you are hurt by her words.

AgentZigzag · 08/07/2012 00:37

It would be different sooty because it'd be a different situation.

mynewpassion · 08/07/2012 00:38

Not breaststroke but breasts. Darn blackberry.

Original poster
shouldkeepquiet · 08/07/2012 00:38

To ilovesooty
I can't keep up with all these comments.
Actually i'm very reassured with the comments made here. It has made me think that it is probably me over-reacting to some extent- not that i have reacted to her yet - overreacted in my head IYSWIM.
I was actually expecting to get a bit of a roasting telling me to get over myself and move on.

OP posts:
TheEnthusiasticTroll · 08/07/2012 00:38

I dont think you are wrong OP, I do think you should talk to her about it. I just wanted to post a perspective.

But if I were in your shoes, I would want to know why someone would be making the comments she is, I would be interested as to what images she has come away with and why and how that fits in with her morals and feelings and then decide if im hurt,uspet or feeling over shadowed or inadequate before I reacted,it may be that it opens up a very interesting discussion about your morals as a couple in which you both share similar values.

Cheriefroufrou · 08/07/2012 00:39

I'm not trying to dismiss his feelings at all, if he is hurt then he is hurt and he has a right to ask her to stop saying something which hurts him

but at the same time I think it is unlikely that his wife means it in the way he is hearing it and it may hurt him less if that turns out to be true?

Wahtawah · 08/07/2012 00:40

Can't imagine anything more tacky than strippers at a stag or hen do.

Cheriefroufrou · 08/07/2012 00:41

"even threads on here in the past- that bigger is always better ect."

only to a point.. average willies are designed to fit average vaginas nicely.. too small AND too big can both pose problems!

thirdfromleft · 08/07/2012 00:43

What the fuck does male vs female stripper politics have to do with this? Partner goes to strip show. Partner comes back and repeatedly makes references making OP feel insecure and inadequate and generally like shit. Upshot: partner is being a bitch. It doesn't come much simpler than this.

HoneyDragonWearingLederhosen · 08/07/2012 00:45

I got dry humped from behind by a stripper in a pub once. I was not amused, and nearly spilt my pint, as I refused to leave the safety of my bar stool.

I returned home and indignantly informed dh. I think there is a difference in that I had made it very clear I had been bemused and horrified by the whole proceedings.

I think regardless of genders it is important when discussing scantily clad people to be very clear where you are coming from. The op has every right to be a bit confused if she hasn't made herself clear and has instead caused him to speculate.

AgnesBligg · 08/07/2012 00:45

hmm I'm not so sure your wife is admiring the strippers or their willies, just a bit astonished by them. The peeing horse comment sums it up for me. Rather like if you went to a stag do with undressed women with very large boobs you might describe them as being like cow udders, or something.

She isn't flattering/fancying or comparing from what you've posted. btw I once went to Hen like this in London and found it the most uncompelling show I've ever witnessed and not remotely 'sexy'.

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 08/07/2012 00:47

or dp goes to see stripper is a bit uneasy and embarrased about what they have experienced and so is proccessing this verbaly with thier OH totaly unawares of how this is comming across.

droves · 08/07/2012 00:49

Gawn , you've just seen that advert for that male stripper film , haven't you ? Grin

Trust me op ....my cousin was a kissogram /stripper . He's not the bonniest of blokes ...most of them have great bodies , but faces that look like a bulldog chewing a wasp . Bigger is not always better btw . Mainly strippers are all about the ego ...it's all look at me look at me , kind of crap . Nothing more unattractive than a man with an ego bigger than the moon.

Actually I think your wife is alright .

Most women go to these things for a laugh , not a turn on. Yeah I did say that . Because a man that's oiled up and fake tanned and pumped full of steroids , with highlights/ dye/ hair extensions isn't really attractive .. He just thinks he is.

What's attractive in a man is someone who loves you enough to trust you , who respects you enough to believe you .