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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

mil calling dd a little madam

123 replies

Becky2011 · 07/07/2012 14:13

It's making me cross, dd is 7 mo & when we all last visited I put dd on the floor to play & she rolled over, so mil called her a little madam Hmm

Last weekend dh took dd for a visit without me & when he got back was calling dd a little madam so I know she's been doing it again & it's rubbing off on dh!

I don't like her being labelled this way in a negative fashion as worried it will stick as she gets older. They have already done this with an older gc.

Do I say / do omething or aibu?!

OP posts:
qo · 07/07/2012 16:08

You can't see any reason to get worked up squeaky, but maybe accept that some people can and do - with good reason?

OldGreyWiffleTest · 07/07/2012 16:09

Ah well, at least she didn't call her a Little Shit - be thankful for small mercies and stop being so PFB.

hackmum · 07/07/2012 16:10

I agree with the OP. "Little madam" is pejorative, and not only that, it is pejorative in a gender-specific way. Why would you be so judgemental about a 7 month old?

qo · 07/07/2012 16:11

My ex called our dd a "little bitch" for swiniging on the door, I was horrified - but some people didn't see what I was so worked up over, ie they call their dd's bitches all the time.

If you dont like it OP, then you don't like it - regardless of what everyone else thinks.

quoteunquote · 07/07/2012 16:11

OP, I would be miffed if someone called my DD that at such a young age,

DD sometimes now earns it, but it does have negative connotations.

If it bugs you ask them not to call her that.

babybythesea · 07/07/2012 16:12

I'm someone else who calls her daughter a little madam. And so does everyone else in my family. Because she is. For us, it means strong-willed and knowing your own mind and the only real negative connotation is (a bit more than) a hint of stubborness (which I openly admit she gets from me - she comes by it honestly!). She is the only child in our family and is worshipped and adored by aunts and uncles, grandparents, great-grandparents and a particularly doting great-aunt who calls her 'Madam' in preference to using her name. But it is meant with huge amounts of affection and admiration (my grandmother said it best: "She's a Little Madam - there goes a strong girl who knows what she wants - she definitely belongs with the women of this family") - it's really not an insult for us.

So I think it depends on how it is said and used. Is knowing your own mind seen as a good thing or not? Because my family tend to see it as meaning you will be independent in thought, and not easy to sway once you have decided what you want to do. You won't give into peer pressure very easily, for example, but do what you think is the right thing. And if that means not doing what the family think you should do, well, that's the flip side of the coin and we get annoyed with each other but all laugh at and with each other about it.
If your family see that quality as a bad thing then being labelled a madam isn't great.

You could just ask her to stop. I'd be tempted to turn it into a good thing though, and praise the positive angle to it (We hope she will be. We want her to be a person who is clear about her own thoughts and ideas and isn't easily persuaded by other people - should stand her in good stead for her teenage years, shouldn't it?)

And that was a whole lot longer than I meant it to be - sorry!

BettySuarez · 07/07/2012 16:13

I wouldn't like this at all, I hate any form of labelling when it comes to children and it always surprises me when my in laws have done this.

Over the years I have heard my children and also nephews and nieces being referred to as chunky/ruffian/madam - don't know why but just don't like it.

A few years ago I heard a father call his son a 'pissworm' WTAF is that? Grin

Pandoralight · 07/07/2012 16:14

Maybe she didn't mean it in a judgemental way. If she calls one of her other GC the same it's probably used in a way of being affectionate. If you don't like it, I'd suggest just having a word politely, explaining that whilst she may mean it in an affectionate way you don't particularly like your DD being called that and would appriciate it if she wasn't in the future.

qo · 07/07/2012 16:20

She probably doesn't mean it in a judgemental way at all, however if the OP doesn't like it, she doesn't like it

Northernexile · 07/07/2012 16:20

Qo I wasn't pouring scorn. Good post by babybythesea- to assume it's being said with malice is projecting really. The OP's MIL might mean it as an insult, but I'd bet my house that she means it in an affectionate way, just as I do with my DD. I stand by my opinion that it isn't worth making a big deal about!

qo · 07/07/2012 16:24

northernexile "I do hope I haven't scarrred her for life already"

Yes, you were being scornful and sarcastic, you know fine well that at 4 months your dd hasn't been scarred for life.

10987 · 07/07/2012 16:25

my sil is very pfb with her children and we are not allowed to say anything negative in her presense. She is 6 now and cries alot because guess what the world is not always nice and she has years ahead of her with friends at school being cruel and people taking the p*.
Being called a madma at 7 mo is a term of endearment btw of course no one thinks she is an actual madam.

LineRunner · 07/07/2012 16:27

I don't like the expression 'little madam'.

It's a bit ... laden.

10987 · 07/07/2012 16:29

oooo just read some people call children little shits and bitches - would not stand for that cannot believe people do.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 07/07/2012 16:41

Hate this phrase, especially in this context (not even doing anything irritating, just trying out her ability to move around) it seems to imply that a little girl who makes up her own mind rather than just staying where she's put is somehow "uppity". I reckon a baby boy learning to move around would get a positive comment, if anything.

But don't waste time worrying about your PIL, OP. it's your DH you need to talk to if you don't like it. Some relatives called me this as an older girl but the Hmm faces of my parents reassured me that I wasn't really being naughty in having an opinion etc. Have you spoken to him about it? If you both agree not to use it other people using it doesn't much matter.

And there is something particularly icky about this phrase for girls- calling a kid "trouble" or "little bugger" or anything can be fond and jokey in context, this not so IMO because implication is that girls shouldn't think for themselves. Why is there no male equivalent (little colonel or something)?

Northernexile · 07/07/2012 16:43

qo of course at 4mo she hasn't been scarred for life, and at 7mo neither has the OP's. That was my point.

qo · 07/07/2012 16:44

The op isn't saying her dd has been scarred for life, she's saying she doesn't like it. And your post was dripping with sarcasm, can't believe you'd try to deny that!

Northernexile · 07/07/2012 16:50

Maybe I was being a leetle sarky. Still don't think it's worth getting worked up about. It's obviously a sensitive issue for some posters (I am not being sarcastic now), based on their own negative experiences, but in my experience it has been meant with affection. None of us were there, heard the tone of voice used, or know the people involved. It's all conjecture. But that's my opinion!

Tanith · 07/07/2012 16:50

I used to call my baby DD this as an affectionate term; certainly didn't mean it as a negative put down.

However, DH didn't like it and said so. Where he grew up, it was used much more aggressively.

So I stopped. No problem. She's Little Pickle these days Smile

GirlsInWhiteDresses · 07/07/2012 16:51

I've found it's a Northern thing.. My MIL used to call my kids "madams" and "tinkers" which I found massively offensive on a number of fronts, but am used to the former and asked her to stop the latter which she did.

MILs - I actually feel sorry for them :) I like mine lots and lots most of the time.

jamdonut · 07/07/2012 16:52

Like everything, it's the context its used in...if its being said affectionately, then that will come across. If it is said with hate, then that will come across too. I think the majority of people can make that distinction

And yes, I know there are conditions that cause people not to understand the small nuances of people's speech, but that is in the minority.

Once again it seems that for those few who take offence at what the majority of us consider isignificant means we have to feel guilty and promise never to do it again. Hmm

qo · 07/07/2012 16:53

OK northern I accept that it means nothing to you (as it wouldn't to me either) but I can totally accept OP's view and dont feel the need to satirise her for it

pumpkinsweetie · 07/07/2012 16:53

Yabu, it is a word commonly used for a little girl-don't over analyze unless of course your mil is awful in other ways?

lovebunny · 07/07/2012 16:54

'madame' for someone who mentioned it, is the woman who runs a brothel. or a frenchwoman. the two are not necessarily interchangeable but might be on rare occasions.

lovebunny · 07/07/2012 16:56

i wouldn't accept 'tinker' either, and i am from the north. 'tinker' is not referring to travellers here, but to a naughty person. not acceptable, unless referring to a child who is genuinely naughty most of the time.