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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think fuck it! I will get sterilised instead!

108 replies

susiemumof · 05/07/2012 20:08

Yes I probably am bu but I am ill and tired and totally fed up.

Agreement was always that dh was going to get the snip once our family was complete. I am 8 years younger than him and I know they would not be keen to sterilise me due to my age and the fact I had a devastating late miscarriage last year after discovering there were problems with the baby. This is another factor in not wanting to be pg again as we are at a high risk of something similar happening again. The doctor has already told me though that they are not keen on sterilising woman who have recently been through it.

I have three gorgeous children who I love with all my heart, my family is complete and I want to move onto the next stage.

Dh seen his doc this morning, he has a navy doctor so not being refered from a nhs doctor.

Anyway the drama I have had since he came home makes me think he has mistakenly thought I had asked him to snip his balls of with blunt scissors. It's like he has been replaced with dev from corrie with the over the top acting and hand gestures I am getting.

To top it all off he has requested they send him on a 10 hour round trip so that he can get a general rather than local anaesthetic!

Have just told him if he is going to be such a pussy about it I will go and see about it myself!

OP posts:
Jux · 06/07/2012 19:03

We agreed after dd was born that we would have no more. DH was going to ae the snip, but he "was going to" for 4 years. I got myself sterilised. Even at the ripe old age of 45 they tried to talk me out of it, my GP, the surgeon and the anaesthetist; even when I was on my way to theatre on the trolley. Why would they do that?!

Anyway, 6m later dh went off and finally did it, under local. He had some pain after, lasting a few weeks. I never worked out why on earth he'd bothered, though.

Original poster
susiemumof · 06/07/2012 19:21

I am NOT!! avoiding having sex with my dh, I actually enjoy having sex with him and have no plans of withholding it.

We both agreed to no "normal"'sex for the ten days during my cycle that I think I am most at risk, with a few of my pg,'s it seemed that I had fallen pg about 5 days before ovulation. Dh's swimmers must have some shelf life so we try to cover all bases by not doing it at these times.

The other 18 days we have sex when we want.

OP posts:
kotinka · 06/07/2012 23:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NarkedRaspberry · 07/07/2012 01:23

'stopped having sex' Confused

There's a lot of sex that doesn't involve a penis in a vagina and a risk of pregnancy - oral and mutual masturbation. No contraception is 100%.

differentnameforthis · 07/07/2012 03:43

If he does decide to go down the GA route he can find someone else to take him on the ten hour round trip

Selfish much? I wonder what would happen on this thread if you decided to get sterilised & stated that your dh was refusing to drive you there & back!

Says it all, OP! You want him to have it done against his wishes & yet you won't even take him to have it done (all bar a quick trip down the road)

mrsmoodypants · 07/07/2012 07:17

I'm amazed different that many people havent picked up on this - totally agree with you!

If it were her dh refusing to help her he'd be crucified !

JugglingWithTangentialOranges · 07/07/2012 08:04

I think it's a question of her taking on board the GA option for her DH's op - if it turns out it is an option, which I would think/hope is a possibility.

iscream · 07/07/2012 08:17

Personally, if I were you, I'd drive him the 5 hours each way, and tolerate his moaning. It's only one day out of your life, as opposed to the amount of work and cost of raising another human being. If you get fixed, you'll need help for a bit yourself. If he has a fear of being cut, a GA is a viable option. He may feel ridiculous when his friends laugh at him for the GA but his choice. I really am not sure why you seem sort of angry and fed up, isn't he allowed to express his fears and anxieties?

iscream · 07/07/2012 08:20

Didn't mean for that last sentence to sound so bossy, perhaps I should have worded it "It is only normal to have fears and anxieties."
We are all different, and at least he is willing to get it done. Some men are simply too cowardly and stubborn.

QuietNinjaObsessing · 07/07/2012 08:23

Differentnameforthis op has already said that dh has agreed to have it done. Her beef is with a ten hour trip to have it done under ga. get your facts right before calling op names.
Tbh it won't just be a day trip if it's ten hours will it. It'll be 5 hours there, however long waiting around to have the op, recovery time and then 5 hours back. So child are will be for a lot longer than ten hours.
Op, why is the op under ga so far away? Is there no hospital nearer than that?

QuietNinjaObsessing · 07/07/2012 08:24

Childcare will be for a lot longer. Doh

differentnameforthis · 07/07/2012 08:32

QuietNinjaObsessing

I have my fact rights, thank you! I did see that it was a 10hr round trip & I still think that if she is expecting her dh to do this, she could at least drive him there & back & wait...it is, after all what couples do, isn't it?

I mean, I assume that he drove her to hospital & back?

Give & take, that is all I am saying...there seems to be a distinct lack of that here.

Original poster
susiemumof · 07/07/2012 09:02

I have stated several times that he wants to get it done as much as me so there is no point making up things to back up your posts! It was one of the first things I put in the op!

I'm not sure why he was told the nearest hospital would be 5 hours away, maybe a military thing. They never like to do things the quickest way.

I'm not actually to fussed about him getting the GA (I think he is a wimp for asking and would say that about anyone else) it's the over the top acting that is pissing me off.

He actually updated his will yesterday Hmm

OP posts:
tyler80 · 07/07/2012 09:25

i think if they won't sterilise one partner because it's too soon after a traumatic event they shouldn't do the other either.

samandi · 07/07/2012 09:43

tyler, i was wondering that too. it doesn't seem particularly logical.

Alurkatsoftplay · 07/07/2012 10:11

I can imagine that the dramatics are annoying, Susie.
Do you think he's doing it in the real hope you'll say, 'aww, don't worry about it'? or he just wants to feel heroic? (In which case, praps just nod along nicely)

VolAuVent · 07/07/2012 10:13

I know you say hormonal contraception sends you "loopy". However the Mirena coil is meant to only work locally - could be worth a try?

Original poster
susiemumof · 07/07/2012 10:52

Tyler, we are both registered at different doctors. I can't see how his doctor would know our history unless dh told him about it.

OP posts:
tyler80 · 07/07/2012 11:18

The men I know who have had vasectomies have been asked questions about relationship, number of children, age of youngest, how their partner feels about it as part of the consultation. I'd assumed these were fairly standard sorts of things to ask before agreeing to perform a procedure to end fertility that's not easily reversible, male or female.

Original poster
susiemumof · 07/07/2012 11:20

He was asked the questions you have mentioned above. That does not cover all our history together though.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 07/07/2012 11:37

op,you started your post by saying you are ill and tired and totally fed up.
This situation may be getting to you more than it normally would.
Sounds like your DH is overreacting because he is genuinely concerned about it all.Has he heard bad stories,knows someone personally for who it went wrong in some way,is he also tired himself,is very frightened of local anesthetics for some reason?Have you had a sit down and talked about his anxieties about it.
And perhaps there is a friend who can take him on the day.

JugglingWithTangentialOranges · 07/07/2012 15:40

Yes, a friend to go with him could be a very good idea - don't think it always has to be partner, especially as can be a lot of emotions involved. I went to pick up DH after op with our two fairly young DC's and it was more juggling than I liked, especially as I felt more emotional than I expected ( and was sent on a hunt round the hospital to try and find the pharmacy for meds for DH - added to the stress )- Wish a friend had picked him up or at least I'd left the DC's with someone. Still plenty of opportunity to offer concern and sympathy at home.
No point or benefit in everyone getting stressed at the hospital.

Kayano · 07/07/2012 16:04

I'm not actually to fussed about him getting the GA (I think he is a wimp for asking and would say that about anyone else)

oh ffs how fucking rude and narrow minded.

CogPsych · 07/07/2012 16:36

Not read all the posts except the few after mine. FYI, i'm a woman and my DH and I have a good love life.

I just don't like the attitude towards men here in this thread and others. Sure, he needs to shoulder some responsibility, and almost always deal with more stuff like this throughout married life (birth, etc)... but do we really have to speak so horribly about men?

In asking your husband to get the snip, you are asking him to have a surgical procedure that has risk, will affect him psychologically, is not entirely necessary (he could use condoms, etc), and if you divorce him for another man then he's left (metaphorically) ball-less and unable to start another family like you could. It's not difficult to understand that there is a psychological element to this.

If your DH had told you to 'man up' when you were having a difficult birth then you would have told him to sod off. It's just wrong to have such a poor attitude towards your husband when he's doing something for both of you and something that is quite traumatic i'm sure.

My comment about women using men as baby making machines doesn't apply to everyone, but certainly the prevailing attitude here seems to be that way. It's almost as though now their baby-making powers are no longer needed, they're being treated like a vile infectous disease that you might catch a baby from unless they go and get it fixed, instead of someone who is loved and appreciated and who's fears about surgery are respected.

Original poster
susiemumof · 07/07/2012 16:46

Cog- I am not asking him to do it. He always said he would do it. I have never treated him like a baby making machine. We only planned one out of our 2 out of out 5 pregnancies which has resulted in 3dc.

I enjoy our sex life and want to carry on enjoying it without the added stress of ever finding myself pg again.

Dh is in full agreement that he never wants any more dc with me or anyone else so if we did ever split up then that would not be a issue.

OP posts: