Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think fuck it! I will get sterilised instead!

108 replies

susiemumof · 05/07/2012 20:08

Yes I probably am bu but I am ill and tired and totally fed up.

Agreement was always that dh was going to get the snip once our family was complete. I am 8 years younger than him and I know they would not be keen to sterilise me due to my age and the fact I had a devastating late miscarriage last year after discovering there were problems with the baby. This is another factor in not wanting to be pg again as we are at a high risk of something similar happening again. The doctor has already told me though that they are not keen on sterilising woman who have recently been through it.

I have three gorgeous children who I love with all my heart, my family is complete and I want to move onto the next stage.

Dh seen his doc this morning, he has a navy doctor so not being refered from a nhs doctor.

Anyway the drama I have had since he came home makes me think he has mistakenly thought I had asked him to snip his balls of with blunt scissors. It's like he has been replaced with dev from corrie with the over the top acting and hand gestures I am getting.

To top it all off he has requested they send him on a 10 hour round trip so that he can get a general rather than local anaesthetic!

Have just told him if he is going to be such a pussy about it I will go and see about it myself!

OP posts:
Kayano · 05/07/2012 23:24

incredibly silly my fucking arse. Obviously you don't have a phobia or anxiety

I would have GA every time as I mentally could NOT COPE with someone cutting into any part of me while awake.

I don't see what the hell the problem is really. He is going to get it done, but just wanted GA. It's not like he isn't taking responsibility, just is a bit paniced and scared by the proceedure. Its totally understandable

and women don't need to compare everything to the fact they had to give birth. The whole 'man up' attitude (whic is what people object to... NOT the fact he shouldnt do it because he is) is annoying and forgets that we are all PEOPLE. We all react differently and have different fears.

I think for a man who is going to get it done, he is getting a hard time here.

Kayano · 05/07/2012 23:26

MrsTP

It seems to be that the default position is that women deal with all the physically traumatic aspects of contraception and reproduction.

This guy is taking responsibility though, I don't even understand this thread. It's op who has flown off the handle because he wanted GA.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/07/2012 23:27

No, I don't have a phobia or anxiety about this. i do have a family history of very bad reactions to GA, though. HTH.

JugglingWithTangentialOranges · 05/07/2012 23:34

I think if he really wants to have a general rather than a local then let him carry on with that - his body, his decision. But still loads more straight-forward for him than it would be for you (from what I gather)
Agree too, he's allowed to be nervous - can you talk things through with him at all ?
Don't rush into an op for yourself prematurely.

JugglingWithTangentialOranges · 05/07/2012 23:39

I always thought if I needed a C/S then I might have to ask for G/A rather than an epidural. It is quite a lot to ask of someone to have an operation while conscious. Though the docs probably might have talked me into it by saying I'd be there straight away to meet my baby Smile

Kayano · 05/07/2012 23:42

It was in my birth plan to have GA and not an epidural. I'm not being awake for anyone!

Thankfully none were needed!

WorraLiberty · 05/07/2012 23:44

To top it all off he has requested they send him on a 10 hour round trip so that he can get a general rather than local anaesthetic!

Then butt out and let him get on with it.

It's his body, therefore he has the say over how he has his operation.

I genuinely hope he shows you more sympathy/empathy than you're showing him.

You don't sound as though you have a particularly caring/loving relationship.

NimpyWindowMash · 05/07/2012 23:50

My DH always said he would get the snip, and now we have 3 DC and definitely don't want any more, he has mysteriously not managed to make that appointment. It's annoying for me, as even though I have the coil now, I worry about being pregnant every month. OP, YAB a bit U because at least he is prepared to go ahead. Seems fair enough to be scared.

OurPlanetNeptune · 06/07/2012 00:04

I am sorry for your loss OP. I cannot imagine.

But I do not understand your post. Has he said no he wont go through with the snip?

From my understanding all he has asked for is a GA. It is up to him to deal with this how he likes. As long as he goes through with it.

Unless there are other things going on I do not understand what exactly your problem is. Your OP reads like you have no respect for him, if my husband acted like this it really would not bother me as long as he had every intention of doing it.

I am still a bit baffled.

kotinka · 06/07/2012 00:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 06/07/2012 00:45

I personally don't understand women who want water births or choose to have C Sections for no apparent medical reason.

But the most important thing is they get to choose what happens to their own bodies.

Why should the OP's DH be any different?

differentnameforthis · 06/07/2012 01:11

He is NOT being a big baby! FFS I hate these threads where we all have a go at a man for not wanting his balls messed about with, yet we wouldn't dream of having anything done ourselves. I also hate this automatic thinking that because the women have the babies, their 'job is done' & that the men should step up!

I was sterilised recently & while it was no walk in the park, I should have had it done sooner. I too wanted dh to have a vasectomy, but then realised how selfish I was being by trying to force him into doing something he didn't want, while refusing to do anything myself. Hypocritical much!

It isn't as intensive for men, but I don't see why someone should be called a big baby, or a pussy for not wanting medical treatment & withholding sex...please! How old are we? Would we be calling a woman that if she refused to have an op? Would we think it was fair for a man to withhold sex if a woman didn't do what he wanted? No, so why do it to men!

differentnameforthis · 06/07/2012 01:38

I have been sterlised (my choice) I was unwell for 3 weeks afterwards!

When I was sterilised I was sore for a few days, but mainly where the cuts were. I had three, because they cut into my old section scar to remove some scar tissue that was blocking the view. I wouldn't say I was sick, or unwell but I felt very fragile for a couple of weeks. Dh did a great job of looking after me & the girls & now, just over a month later, it is all forgotten about! I cannot say that the op's dh is a 'pussy' for wanting a GA, as that is how they did mine & it was a relief waking up to find it all done.

It took an unwanted pregnancy & a termination for me to see how selfish & hypocritical I was being about it being dh's turn to 'take one for the family'. After all, it is me who definitely wants no more, if dh had his way we would have had one more, but he understood that after pre eclampsia, spd, crash section, elective section etc (so no one can accuse me of not having traumatic pregnancies/births - although I really don't see how it makes a difference, marriage isn't, in my mind a competition of who can take the most hits in the name of raising a family) that I didn't want to do it all again. The time & emotions I wasted trying to make a point to dh put a huge strain on our family & the termination, while I knew as soon as that second line showed up was exactly what I wanted, still added to that. If I wasn't in that stupid mindset that somehow raising a family & all it entails is a competition between the two parents, or in the very least a point scoring exercise, the unwanted pregnancy would never have happened.

And all because I was of the mind set that it was 'his turn'. It's amazing what makes you change your mind.

kotinka · 06/07/2012 08:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

valiumredhead · 06/07/2012 08:38

Dh had quite a rough time having the snip, poor bloke - lots of scar tissue that required extra cutting (!!) and then a horrible infection afterwards so he needed 2 weeks off work.

That said, he says it was worth it so I don't have to go through childbirth again as it was really important not to get pregnant again. He was 34 at the time so a pretty major decision on his part I have always thought.

Ultimately it is his decision imo.

samandi · 06/07/2012 08:41

It isn't as intensive for men, but I don't see why someone should be called a big baby, or a pussy for not wanting medical treatment & withholding sex...please! How old are we? Would we be calling a woman that if she refused to have an op? Would we think it was fair for a man to withhold sex if a woman didn't do what he wanted? No, so why do it to men!

Presumably they're "withholding sex" because they're worried about getting pregnant again.

And all because I was of the mind set that it was 'his turn'

I don't think the "his turn" mindset is stupid at all, in general, and it baffles me that some men and women think the woman should be solely responsible for reproduction and contraception.

Kayano · 06/07/2012 08:45

who said the women should be soley responsible?

He is GETTING IT DONE

picnicbasketcase · 06/07/2012 08:47

DH had an appointment last year for a vasectomy but he ended up cancelling it because he really couldn't cope with the idea of anyone going near his bits with needles/scalpels/whatever, plus having black and blue plums for a week afterwards. Fair enough, I wouldn't fancy it either. Not that I have balls, but anyway.
There's plenty of stuff you can do without having actual PIV sex if you're too scared of getting pg and the man's too scared of getting the snip.

saintlyjimjams · 06/07/2012 08:48

Vasectomies have a higher success rate than female sterilisation. The person who saw us told us it was the most reliable method. I wasn't keen to be sterilised as it increased the risk of an ectopic. Dh agreed.

Dh is a terrible drama queen when it comes to all things medical and even he found the vasectomy not too bad.

Yummymummyyobe1 · 06/07/2012 08:51

This is a discussion my DP and I have had after the birth of DS1 and he is not keen at all as people keep telling him the horror stories. I can understand his objections completly why should he do something that is not right for him after all there are so many other options out there.

Rockchick1984 · 06/07/2012 10:24

Personally I have discussed with DH and once our family is complete he is going to have the snip. He doesn't really want to, but agrees that it'll be 'his turn' as I react badly to hormonal contraception and neither of us want to use condoms for the next 20-30 years!!

However, I firmly believe that his anaesthetic is his decision. He let me choose what pain relief I had with DS and I think everyone on this thread would have gone ballistic if their DH had said "I don't want you to have an epidural" so why should it be any different for him?

valiumredhead · 06/07/2012 10:33

I'm pretty sure you can't choose your anaesthetic for a vasectomy but happy to be corrected.

jellybeans · 06/07/2012 10:50

I have 5 DC (mainly difficult traumatic births) 2 miscarrages, 2 stillbirths. Yet I would not force or pressure DH to have the snip. I was desperate to try again after my losses and ttc took a long time in one case. Due to these horrible losses I value my fertility highly and would not choose to take that away even though I don't want anymore babies. I don't think I could cope mentally with having it done. But everyone is different and if you are desperate then you and DH should come to an agreement between you. But my feelings have made me realise that men may too struggle mentally with the permanence of being infertile as women do. So they shouldn't be pressured into it. Most men I know who have had the snip wanted it themselves and were straight down the doctors booking it themselves. If they need pushing I don't think they are ready.

JugglingWithTangentialOranges · 06/07/2012 11:00

Sorry for your loss jellybeans Sad

I think you make some very good points there. My DH decided for himself and, after talking with me, got on and arranged it. I agree I wouldn't feel comfortable trying to talk someone into it. I think it's a very personal thing. I was a little upset myself (just for a bit) about the permanence of it. But sometimes you have to be practical.

Always has to be your body, your choice though at a fundamental level.

JugglingWithTangentialOranges · 06/07/2012 11:03

Also thinking valium that if it was a choice between a man having a vasectomy under GA, or a woman having sterilisation op under GA, perhaps docs would agree that man could have op under GA (ie. if after discussion it was clear he had real problems with having op under local anesthesia)

Swipe left for the next trending thread