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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be glad DS is too young to compare his lot to his cousins?

48 replies

MrsGilbertBlythe · 04/07/2012 20:00

He is nearly 3. His cousins are 10 and 6. They both have TVs in their rooms. Nephew's is 42 inch "for gaming". They get bought whatever they ask for. I am a meany mum who thinks that DS and DD will never get a telly in their room and will have computer time limited. Am I kidding myself? SIL seems to think that everyone else has his, so they should too. I think they are spoiled and ungrateful and am so glad DS isn't of age with them to compare. Judgey pants...

OP posts:

Teeb · 04/07/2012 20:01

I think everyone gets to choose to parent how they wish, so long as there is no abuse/neglect of course.

You have your way, she has hers.

AKMD · 04/07/2012 20:02

So he's too young to compare to them and yet you are comparing them? I have no idea whether the answer to the question is YABU or YANBU but you are being unreasonable somewhere in there!

mynewpassion · 04/07/2012 20:03

No, he's not too young if you are already comparing.

WorraLiberty · 04/07/2012 20:04

I think the real question is this...

Does judging your SIL in this way make you feel like a better parent?

YABVU

Just be confident in your choices and remove your nose from the choices other parents make for their kids, unless if affects you or yours directly.

AllYoursBabooshka · 04/07/2012 20:05

Um, Aren't you comparing?

otchayaniye · 04/07/2012 20:06

it's your job to set the limits (which i happen to agree with) then empathetically deal with the resulting tantrum!

i'm indulgent in some ways. i love treating my girls, outings, clothes, home baking, long playing sessions, swimming everyday....

but i'm limiting any dvds to the weekend and any ipad nonsense is brief and usually instructional. but then i don't watch tv apart from the odd film and only use the internet when they are feeding or asleep so i model what i preach.

DilysPrice · 04/07/2012 20:06

TVs in the bedroom are an actual long term health hazard. Nobody in this house will have one while they live under my roof . Your SIL is doing feeble parenting and you should on no account follow her example.

Mind you, I'm not sure what your actual question was .

otchayaniye · 04/07/2012 20:07

please don't go around calling other children spoiled and ungrateful. just concentrate on your own child.

VolAuVent · 04/07/2012 20:10

Be happy with your own choices, but there it ends.

picnicbasketcase · 04/07/2012 20:11

Hmm. Well, it does sound like they are somewhat spoiled, and you can think it if you wish. But as your DC grow up you will have to be careful not to make your views known to them or you'll have 'DCousins, my mum says you two are spoiled and you shouldn't have tellies'.

EverybodysDoeEyed · 04/07/2012 20:12

wow - you seem to really love your niece and nephew

any adult who comments 'i won't let my kids do that' (whilst pulling a cats bum face)when they either haven't got children or have much younger children are doomed to be bitten on the arse by their smugness when their kids are that age

RedBlanket · 04/07/2012 20:12

YABU and smug. Wait till you've got a 10 year old you might find that it's not as easy as you think.

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 04/07/2012 20:15

Your DS is only 2, I would wait until they get to that age before you pull your judgies right up.

This doesn't bother me, its each to their own for me. I had no TV in my room as a child and knew plenty of people who did and there was no difference in us.

DaisySteiner · 04/07/2012 20:16

I've always said that my children will not have TVs in their rooms and will have computer time limited. The oldest is 12 and I haven't been bitten on the arse yet

I don't think it's particularly nice to describe children as spoiled, but I do agree with your other sentiments. It is difficult when your children have friends/family who have different opinions on this kind of thing, but it's also good for children to learn that they can't always have everything that everyone else has.

HecateHarshPants · 04/07/2012 20:18

She's as much right to make her choice as you do to make yours. You aren't 'right'. You're just right for you. I think you should just stop comparing the two families. It would be awful if it got to the point where you were thinking you were 'better' than her because you feel your choices are better, so it's really best to put it out of your mind now and just think viva la difference and all that

Original poster

MrsGilbertBlythe · 04/07/2012 20:23

Thanks for your thoughts.
Food for thought or me. I do often wonder if I will look back when mine are that age and laugh at myself. Probably. But if I am brutally honest, yes, it does make me feel like a better parent, or maybe a better way to express it is that I feel it's showing me how I don't want to parent. Of course I will make mistakes and arse things up, but I need to choose what standards to try and set for myself, and what matters to me. And children that never say thank you.... I would feel, rightly or wrongly, that I had failed if I had children who expected everything to be done for them and never expressed gratitude.
I do love my niece and nephew, but don't like their behaviour a lot of the time, probably through no fault of their own.
I would never ever express this to my children. I'd don't even say it to their uncle, my DH. I just wanted to express my thoughts and think about them more in a way that would not hurt anyone.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsGilbertBlythe · 04/07/2012 20:24

Hecateharshpants - you are totally right. Thanks for putting it so pleasantly.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 04/07/2012 20:27

You do realise there will be times when people don't like your children's behaviour too don't you?

There'll be times when no matter how well they've been brought up, they'll forget their manners at someone else's house...and that someone (if they're so inclined) will probably judge you harshly too.

But if I am brutally honest, yes, it does make me feel like a better parent

Enjoy that while you can because your kids are very young and there really is no telling how they or their cousins will turn out.

Just be confident in your choices and cut your judgey pants free.

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 04/07/2012 20:27

My DS is nearly two as well Mrs GB but honestly Ive heard people say my children will never x, y z SO many times and made a u turn, I normally don't commit to anything now!

(I am planning on no tv in the room, but i wont tell anyone)

Original poster

MrsGilbertBlythe · 04/07/2012 20:32

Point of order question, not trying to pick a fight, genuinely inquisitive...
"spoiled" - this is describing the result of other people's actions, not the children themselves, and they are spoiled! They get everything? Are other people understanding this word differently?
"ungrateful" - not appreciative of things is my understanding.
They can play beautifully with my kids and be lovely, they aren't always wee toe rags by any means, it's purely in the material respect that I dislike their attitudes.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 04/07/2012 20:32

You sound like me - my DS is much older and can clearly see that his cousins have lots of 'material' gadgets, iphones, tv in room etc etc. He's also old enough to notice that they are rather fat large becuase their parents never say 'no' to meals from MacDondalds etc (not that we ban them, just have them as a treat) and he knows that his own parents spend a lot more time and energy taking him to places, paying for sports etc etc.

It is easy to judge but none of us will really know if we have been good parents until our children are grown up ............ and even then they might be the ones making the wrong choices (instead of us ).

echt · 04/07/2012 20:33

DD is 17 now and still no TV in her room, so it can be done.:)

This has not prevented her from being a typical teen caah at times, though she has never behaved badly in another person's home. That I know of.

mynewpassion · 04/07/2012 20:34

Sounds to me like you dislike them more than you like them. Avoid them, then.

cory · 04/07/2012 20:35

If you choose you could use this as an opportunity to teach him valuable life skills, about tolerance and generosity and accepting each other without envy or grudging.

Or you could choose...just to compare.

WorraLiberty · 04/07/2012 20:42

There's more than one way to spoil a child though.

Some kids have their parents wrapped around their little fingers...getting lifts everywhere, friends coming over every single day, loads of after school clubs, new clothes whenever they click their fingers etc.

Still they don't necessarily have TVs in their bedrooms....

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