to be glad DS is too young to compare his lot to his cousins?

[MrsGilbertBlythe]

He is nearly 3. His cousins are 10 and 6. They both have TVs in their rooms. Nephew's is 42 inch "for gaming". They get bought whatever they ask for. I am a meany mum who thinks that DS and DD will never get a telly in their room and will have computer time limited. Am I kidding myself? SIL seems to think that everyone else has his, so they should too. I think they are spoiled and ungrateful and am so glad DS isn't of age with them to compare. Judgey pants...

'spoiled' is getting a greater number of consumer goods than someone else (although consumerism is a different topic i have strong feelings about). it is an attitude of mind. it is giving in, giving things, backing down, permitting things you don't feel comfortable with etc etc to avoid tantrums and ill feeling, and yes, it's a fast track to not giving children a moral compass and they end up feeling all at sea.

but they may have thought out giving the ten year old

and don't judge the behaviour harshly. my three year old was a dream child, now she's four some of her whiny tantrums could cause others to tut, but then it's how i deal with this that's important, not the fact she (and almost every other four year old) does it.

my rule usually is if people tut, you're doing something right.

yes, i dislike tv, i agree gawping at tv for more than half an hour/hour is not what i choose, but not everyone feels that way and may tut you for doing something you do unwittingly (bfeed, co-sleep, pram, strict punishments etc)

should have read 'spoiled' isn't getting a greater number of consumer goods than someone else

Mynewpassion - You are wrong.
And to repeat, I will never say this in front of my children, nor compare mine to them.
I've no doubt my kids will be far from perfect but hope to have passed on basic good manners. No utterance of a thank you for a birthday gift is, in my eyes, just damn rude, and it's not their fault.
I suppose, and I will write this and then try to shut up, that much as I completely agree with everyone who has said 'each to their own' or words of that meaning, I also believe that there are right and wrong ways to behave. And never saying thank you for a birthday gift, or for something as small as an ice cream, is just plain wrong. Of course kids will forget at times and behave badly, but consistent bad manners is something I feel strongly about, and if you disagree then that's entirely up to you, but I will judge it. Privately, in my own mind, and now in the public sphere of mumsnet

so you're actually talking about something else? these kids having rude and thoughtless parent who give in to demands and model bad manners to their children.

well that's different then. and you should be confident that you are making a good effort.

Being spoiled isn't getting a great number of consumer goods than somebody else: it's getting a greater number of consumer goods than me

No doubt there are any number of children in this world, probably even in this country, who have fewer consumer goods than your ds, OP, but that does not lead you to deduce that he is spoiled or make you reflect sadly on how other women are better mums than you.

Otchayaniye - yes, I think so. Having thought it out and read these posts.
I see an 11 year old getting another big toy because he had a tantrum in the toy shop. And I am scared that that's normal? My "am I kidding myself" question in my original post was genuine. I think an 11 year old getting what he wants as a result of a tantrum is dreadful, but mine is only (almost) 3 so do I just not realise what to expect? But if I am honest I don't think so, I think that learning that you can't get everything you want, and to say please and thank you etc, are hugely, hugely important.
And it worries me that my in laws (and the grandparents on this side too) don't see it like that. I want to teach my kids how to have manners and respect, without ever saying "never behave like your cousins" as I don't want to cause a rift or hurt anyone. I just want to do things differently. Hence my relief that, at the moment, my kids are oblivious and will never be at the same stage. Well, not until they are adult, and then it's a different story. I will still be their mum, but not in a disciplinary way.

Are you sure your like them because you speak ill of them more than complimentary?

my children haven't watched tv for weeks and my eldest made. card for a neighbour who bought her a dress. does that make me a better mum than xxxx?

can i have a big glass of wine and shine the halo no one else gives a shit about?

comparison is the thief of joy

no it's not normal. i know really only two children whose parents do thos, and yes, i guess (comfirmation bias perhaps) that

i don't 'do' discipline, punishments or (many rewards), but i agree that having limits is extremely important and it's how you guide them through the upset at the 'no' that is important. and modelling thoughtful, kind behaviour.

don't worry about the grandparents. you an only guess what they think and (prob if they are from that generation they will disdain extravagant buyoffs anyway) besides, you can't control it.

don't look for exogenous recognition of your good parenting, it's a fruitless task.

I don't really have much of an opinion either way on the TV thing, but IME people who have one PFB of about three always think that everybody else's children who are quite a bit older are rude, ungrateful slightly unruly brats.

A few years and a bit of perspective usually cures it.

No, maybe not, but a card for a neighbour - really nice thing to do, rather than not acknowledge the dress. No? And she learned to do that from somewhere.
And yes, enjoy your wine
My new passion - yes. You're still wrong.

I have some of this. My Dsis has DNeice 9 and Dnephew 5. My two are DD7 and DS5. So the perfect age for comparisons.

Dsis children have tvs and computers in bed rooms, xboxes, wii's, dsi3 and all that.

My kids have raised it, asked for TVs in their rooms and so on. I have explained that different families have different rules and said that DH and I only want a TV downstairs so that we are all together - I love them so much I don't want them stuck in there rooms watching TV away from us. So far, they have both excepted this absolutely and never raised it again.

Who know what age I will give in, I don't intend to, but we'll see.

Ok, if you say so. I would just refrain from speaking more ill than good of them that's all or you will give folks the wrong impression.

Good luck to your parenting.

HerMajesty - I m sure you're right. I've already acknowledged I may well look back at my thinking this way and give myself a good slap. But I'm enjoying actually thinking about it, and clarifying my aims in my own head. May well not succeed, but have to try.

I think the thing that would slightly worry me about your parenting is the fact that you are so grateful that your ds is too young to be exposed to the influence of these cousins.

It doesn't show a very deep rooted belief in your son as a moral being in his own right, someone who will of necessity be exposed to all sorts of questionable behaviour and will be responsible for making his own choices.

Or do you expect all his little friends, every child he ever meets at school or at play to be brought up with exactly the same values as he is?

surely values can hardly be called "values" unless they are weighed and tested against other values?

Thanks mynewpassion. I am treating writing on mumsnet very differently to 'real life' as a way to work through my thoughts, and this thread has only been about one singular aspect of them.

Cory. Valid point. Hadn't thought of it that way. That's cheered me up. I should have more faith in my little man. I do have more faith in my little man.

Treadonthecreacks - thanks for that. Good luck with it, I hope we have the same success as you have so far.

Of course you do, MrsGilbert. He will be fine.

And there is nothing, nothing more heart warming than watching your big chunky son, the grumpy surly almost-teenager you have sometimes despaired of, choosing to do the decent, kindly thing because it is right, when the wrong choice is laid there before him and noone would blame him for taking it.

Cory- . Thanks.

My oldest is nearly 12 and we don't even have a TV in the house. Do I win the smugness competition?

I think your dc are spoilt for having one in the house...

(okay I don't but basically it's a lifestyle choice that doesn't on it's own make a child spoilt or not spoilt)

LIve and let live. YOur house your rules, your SILs house, her rules. Neither of you are right or wrong, you just chose to parent differently. You do come accross in your OP as rather smug and superior about all this though which is not a good attitude.