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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to stick to not 'lending' him money?

33 replies

glitternanny · 04/07/2012 18:39

my OH is rubbish with money.

He gets paid on 12th and has had no money since the weekend. He's also lent out (to his friend) and used all of the £300 that was in his savings account for my birthday prezzie (it was in March - he hasn't bought me the present yet - that's another story)

He is going to sell his PS Vita (when he eventually gets around to being ready for me to list it on eBay) - so that'll eventually get him £170 - fees & postage - which will apparently go back into his savings - he's still owed £160 from his friend.

I lent him £50 on Sunday which is gone (2 x £8 painkillers £7 in pub - the rest he hasn't explained)

And now he wants more... I said no - I can't access the money (our holiday savings for a break in August) as its transferring between accounts - which isn't true but I'm so FED UP of bailing him out and although I get it back he's not learning to spend within what he earns.

I also KNOW his car tax is due this month and its his niece's birthday - 2 expenses which I'm guessing he's forgotten about.

WWYD? Stick to what you've said - which on Sunday was - here's the £50 that's IT - or carry on.

OP posts:

lololizzy · 04/07/2012 18:45

Have exactly the same problem / dilemma. Fed up of all the rolling debts. I keep saying this is the last time, but giving in for an easy life. He pays me back but its always a rolling debt. it's never enough. By the time he's paid me back, he needs to borrow more.
This is why we have separate bank accounts! Can't understand those you say 'it's OUR money' - they are lucky not to have the spendoholic other halfs!

squeakytoy · 04/07/2012 18:48

so if he hasnt actually bought your birthday present yet, where is the £300??

Original poster

glitternanny · 04/07/2012 18:48

he has his 'budgets' each month and i get the reest - i control ALL the money/bills etc.

In all the time we've been expecting and had our son he hasn't contributed a penny to anything he's needed - its always been my money - his wages cover his budgets and his % of the bills and that's it.

I'm expecting on payday - I can only give you x not the y you want and then end up juggling what to pay and what to ignore tho I have to honour all my bills

ARRRGGGHHHH

OP posts:

Ragwort · 04/07/2012 18:51

Has he always been like this? Are you married/do you have children?

It sounds a shocking way to live (and for lolo as well) - but I can say that as I guess I am lucky enough to be with someone who shares my boring frugal approach to finance and we have always had a shared account and never, ever argued about money.

I think you have to be firm and just say that all the money is tied up in savings accounts and you can't access them; if he needs something specific then you will have to buy it for him but it sounds an odd way to live with another adult.

What good features does he have?

thisisyesterday · 04/07/2012 18:51

so he spends all his wages and then starts on yours?:

i would suggest that you sit down with him and sort the finances out properly.

get a joint account and then set up a standing order each to pay in half the bills/rent etc each month.
that way you know all the bills etc are sorted and you both pay an equal amount.

whatever you have left each is yours. if he chooses to spend all his within a few days then tough bloody luck!

thisisyesterday · 04/07/2012 18:52

you know, you sound like his mum.

you do all the money and bills, you list things on ebay for him, you give him spending money.....

lololizzy · 04/07/2012 18:58

I don't buy him anything. He always pays me back. And I live in his flat. But...it's alway a rolling debt. I always feel as soon as he pays me back, I'm going to get asked again. And it's not always easy to come up with. But he put a roof over my head when i needed it, so ...i guess it's fair enough. Just not always easy

TheProvincialLady · 04/07/2012 18:59

Do you live with this person (I hesitate to say man)? Do you have children with him? If both of these are yes, I would tell him that he either pays all his wages into your account and you give him a spending allowance until such time as he can act like a grown up and not risk your family's financial security.

If you don't have children I would kick him out, never lend him a penny and just use him for sex if he is good at it. I am only slightly joking.

lololizzy · 04/07/2012 19:00

if we keep babysitting these men and taking care of their finances, they are never going to learn! I know its my own fault as set a pattern by doing this from the start. very angry with self and he's 14 yrs older than me and should know better! But i feel, how can i judge when I've been crap with money in past... too bloody soft, I know.

TheProvincialLady · 04/07/2012 19:01

Sorry, X posts. You live in his flat - does that mean he owns it, or rents it? If he owns it, he is using you as a cash cow to pay his mortgage and you will get nothing when this relationship ends.

TheProvincialLady · 04/07/2012 19:02

Seriously, if you don't have children then live apart and agree to try again if and when he can stabilise his financial position.

ohmysilverballs · 04/07/2012 19:02

I thought you were living with my ex for a moment then, and yes that is the reason he's my 'ex'

imnotmymum · 04/07/2012 19:03

We just mash our money together and feel freaked out by this lending lark.

ENormaSnob · 04/07/2012 19:04

I had an ex like this.

It was infuriating and part of the reason I left.

Never again.

holyfishnets · 04/07/2012 19:04

Don't lend him a bean and explain you can't access money. Also say you are doing him a favor as he needs to learn how to be better with money. Sit him down and work his finances out with him. Explain that if he needs money this week he can get the 300 off his friend. That he owes you a birthday gift and half of the cost of baby equipment/clothes.

BillyBollyBandy · 04/07/2012 19:13

Not good. You sort out the money, you work out how much everything for you as a family costs, and he gives you a percentage of it depending on the percentage of his wage of the household income.

You split the rest.

Anything else isn't fair imo and you paying for everything to do with his child while he doesn't even get you a birthday present? Doesn't sound an equal relationship to me .

geegee888 · 04/07/2012 21:53

What on earth are the painkillers that cost £16 for two packets?? And if he is short of money, why doesn't he just buy the cheap Ibuprofen or whatever from the supermarket, or get a prescription, which would be cheaper?

YANBU, not at all. I am astonished at your tolerance for this.

thisisyesterday · 04/07/2012 22:00

so who pays the rent/mortgage OP?

just because he put a roof over your head does not mean you "owe" him and have to live like this.
he needs to stop behaving like a child, and you need to stop allowing him to

biddysmama · 04/07/2012 23:55

i take all my husbands wages (im a sahm) pay the bills,food and cloth nappies he doesnt need money really but i give him what he needs

HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 05/07/2012 00:34

My DH would spend and spend and spend if I didn't rein him in.

YANBU OP

lovebunny · 05/07/2012 00:48

lend him nothing, ever. and ask yourself why you are with this loser.

AdoraBell · 05/07/2012 04:39

YANBU

I had a similar problem with the DDs, they kept wanting just a little bit over their pocket money and they would definitely pay me back, honest. So I stopped and told them that no more loans would be forth coming until they'd paid their debts. These are children, but an awful lot of people aged over 18 continue to behave like children. I think your kid needs to learn the hard way, don't lend him another penny.

OhNoMyFanjo · 05/07/2012 04:54

What's going to happen when you are on maternity leave, won't you have reduced income?

gamerwidow · 05/07/2012 05:31

imnotmymum yes so do me and DH but "mashing your money together" only works when you can trust your partner not to spend the lot on themselves and leave you with nothing.

OP you need to stop bailing him out! Use a joint account or get him to give you a fixed amount each month to cover bills/food shopping/Baby clothes etc. then let him spend whatever he has left and only that on himself. If you don't you will end up stressed, bitter and anxious about where the money has gone and you don't need that stress and insecurity with a new baby.

Icelollycraving · 05/07/2012 06:57

Don't do it to yourself. I've been there twice idiot that I am & ended up several grand down. It makes you lose respect for them & yourself.

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