More of a WWYD - Neighbour to friendly with Children

[FadingAwayToAHippo]

ok, just some advice on how to tackle the situation.

We have lived at our current house for 6 years, and we have 2 dds, 3yo (almost 4) and 2yo.

We live in a fairly quiet street with lovely neighbours, the neighbours on one side are fairly nosey but generally ok. The problem is their 28 year old daughter.

For as long as I can remember she has came out her house everytime we pull up or leave the house to say hi to the girls and asks for kisses and cuddles. this was fine as I could usher them fairly quickly in and out the car. then we started letting the kids play in the back garden whilst i cooked dinner, you cant access our garden except from the back door and their is a 6ft fence on two side but only a hedge between us and this neighbour. I used to watch them from the window so one day i watched this girl lift DD over into her garden.

I went out and told her off and also told DD off and said she was to never leave the garden without coming to ask me first.

Now there is a new wee girl, 6yo who lives round the corner and she likes to come and chap for the girls so I allow them to play in the front garden and I watch them from the front step. I actually dont mind it as I get a chance for a cuppa in peace whilst watching them play happily, rather than the usual refereeing sibling quarrels.

Our neighbour has now started to come out and hang over our fence the whole time the kids are playing. and asking for kisses and cuddles and then DD1 will say "xx come and play in our garden" which she does and spend the whole time lifting DD1. DD1 lets her do this as I am now constantly refusing to lift her on the basis she is a big girl and can walk. So I have to say loudly "DD1 get down you are too big to be lifted"

Our front garden has a 3 ft fence all round but no gate. so I am trying to teach the girls that they can't leave the garden, as its on a road, for people parking etc. My SIL lives two doors up and they have, on occasion, seen her parking and ran out. One day last week when this happened and neighbour was at the gate I shouted at the DDs and told them off, about the danger of roads and not leaving the garden without permission etc. The very next day again when SIL showed up neighbour actually lifted DD2 and started walking along the street with her. So again I shouted "DD2 I have told you not to leave the garden without asking, I know neighbour is an adult but you did not ask permission" Neighbour says "but she was just going to see auntie X" I said yes but you were here yesterday when I asked them not to leave the garden wiothout asking, if they dont do it everytime they will think they can leave when auntie x isnt there and then what?

Sorry this is really long!!

So yesterday again, the same thing happens and neighbour lifts DD1 over the fence so I just brought the girls in and said dinner was ready.

I said to DP what shall we do, he has before said just ignore it (he's very laid back) but yesterday he said I think you need to speak to her mum???? She's 28 for god sakes.

So (and well done for getting this far) WWYD? anything?

What I want to say is "Neighbour, please leave them alone to play and stop asking my kids for kisses"

I think when you talk to her you need to be very clear.

"I've been wanting to talk to you. It's nice that you like my DD's but I'm teaching them about safety now they are getting a little bigger and I feel some of your behaviour will confuse them. I don't want you to pick them up, or take them out of the garden, or ask them for kisses. They are out here to play with their friend and that's why I sit and watch but let them be."

My DS has autism and I have to be very clear and specific. He doesn't get hints or roundabout instructions (life you telling your 2 and 3 yr old they must not go out the garden - she won't have realised SHE shouldn't take them out of the garden from those instructions as they weren't directed at her).

Can't you invite their little friend into your back garden, rather than them all playing in the front garden?

It sounds like she may have sepcial needs maybe not though just over friendly have you spoken to the girl well woman or do you just ignore her speak to her and see whats what ,

They play in the front garden as the back doesn't get the sun so is constantly soaking.

It just really is an awkward situation as I know I can't ask her to stop coming in her garden.

Mrsjay I don't ignore her but she just doesn't speak to me.

I have been short with her in the past but that was due to her coming out her house everytime the car pulled up for as long as I can remember and sometimes you just want to get in the house and not hang about.

I know people have said don't worry but I would worry a LOT if this was me. She has perhaps got some undiagnosed issues..which could reslt in her behaviour escalating.

She's gone from picking thm up to walking off wth them....NOT ok. It's a gradual blurring of liines and you need to stamp it out now.

Dont bother with the parents...she is an adult. Next time she comes near the children, interven right away...step between them and her and tell her to leave. tell her she is not to come into you garden any more.

who gives a shit if they chat to you sometimes...you don't know her from Adam.

Oh i didnt mean you ignored her on purpose sorry I just meant do you just find her so weird that you dont know what to say to her

You CAN and MUST ask her to stop entering your garden. YOU DO NOT KNOW HER and you have to protect your children! She is obviously not functioning well if she thinks it is ok to come into someone garden and not speak to them...is that someone you want thinking it is ok to interact with your DC?

It seems rather odd for a 28yo grown woman to befriend your girls in such an obsessive way, it sounds as though she sees far too much of them.
Either she has SN or im afraid she sounds very odd, most 28yo would be out working, meeting grown-up friends for tea/coffee and socialising out'n'about but she is hanging around with a 2yo & 3yo-it doesn't sound like something i would like.
Yanbu, your dcs need boundries & need to know under no circumstance should they run off.
I would erect a higher fence and put up a secure gate, invite the 6yo round to play instead.
If this 28yo was a man, i would keep them out of the garden!!!-that being said her being a woman makes no difference.
Next time she sees you say a firm "no the kids are to stay in the garden" and "we are busy" "sorry"

You can (and should) ask her not to kiss/hug the children, pick them up or take them anywhere - but not sure you can do much about her coming into her own garden when she hears them in yours.

Every time she interferes with them playing you could try just saying something like "leave them be, they're fine". Not confrontational or rude, but making clear that you don't like the behaviour.

I would get boody snappy with a woman like that tbh. She's obviously not getting social norms and if she DOES have SN then her parents need to keep more of an eye on her...ffs...if she doesn't have SN then be very worried.

Your DDs now trust a woman who has no concept of what is "allowed" when it come to strangers...and she IS a stranger. So you need to stop all contact imo. Tell her to piss off. I would. If I sound angry it's because I find your polite attitudde misplaced OP...there are social rules in place to keep the world ticking over...they do NOT apply when it comes to adults walking off with your DC>

Why don't you say 'the rule is that my girls don't leave the garden unless I say they can. I need your help to teach them this so I'd appreciate it if you could stop picking them up. They need to learn the rules" simple yet effective.

They sound breathtakingly thick-skinned to me rather than having SNs. CAn I also point out, not to OP, but to some posters that its a bit crass to say a person 'is SN. No they're not. They have SNs

Even better, why not say "You're not to speak to my kids anymore...piss off."

Or pick them up and take them in every time she comes into her garden to gawp at them over the fence.

Yes Mrsjay, I can't have a conversation with her, but she talks to DP, she is a big football fan so she can talk to him for ages even though he's not a big fan.

Unfortunately I can't put a bigger fence in the front garden but DP us going to put a gate up!

I will definitely say something next time she comes out when they are playing!

Just make sure you are very clear....personally I would just remove the DC....every time until she got the message. But you could try, "Please leave them to play alone..I'm not comfortable with you constantly getting involved."

And then stand waiting for her to go. f she does not then take the DC in and dont get into chatting with her.

1. Tell her clearly not to come into your garden or take your children out of it.
2. Tell her not to hug or kiss them because they've got nits. Next week make it some unidentified but contagious pox.

3.If she still hangs around then buy your dd water pistols & encourage them to 'play' with the neighbour with them.

1. Buy/make a tent/den for them to play in. Place biscuits inside den whenever neighbour appears to lure the girls out of her sight.
2. Encourage them to kick their football against the adjoining fence, probably their aim isn't very good - but you said she's a fan...

I'm sure imaginative MNetters can come up with other neighbour deterrents.....

it may be she does have special needs. that was my thought too.

it really is inappropriate behaviour. to take the children away from where you can see/access them is wrong. to come to them and ask for kisses and cuddles is wrong.

so speak to her first. tell her it is important for the children's safety that they learn not to be friendly with strangers. you will be able to judge from her response whether or not you need to speak to her parents.

shelby the point is that the OP does not have to make excuses. They are her children and the neighbour has no rght to act as she has done. The children also need to learn this...MAJORLY!

"Dont bother with the parents...she is an adult."

I have honestly never seen so many posters on this board that seem to be so ignorant of adults with special needs.

And considering there are a lot of mothers on here whose children have SN, maybe those posters ought to think a bit, because the mums on here whose kids have SN, will one day have adult "children" who still have special needs.

Adults with SN are often the forgotten and ignored members of society (and their parents too). Particularly those who "look normal".

It is patently obvious that this woman is not NT and has some problems. She isnt going to be able to explain that to the OP if the OP confronts her!!!

Fading i know you are always watching them when they are playing but that is until the phone goes on a call you have really been waiting for/the delivery man knocks at the door/one of the children goes in falls over and screams - anyway you get my point. i realise i take a less than liberal view of this but if it were a man you would call it grooming. waiting for you to stop and then coming out just so she can touch/interact with your kids, always wanting physical affection etc. it is just not normal behaviour. and to be honest i dont really care why - i am not a physcho analyst. i just know that if she is lurking around waiting for that one moment that you are off your guard then it will be something you will not forgive yourself for. You have to alert people like the police and ss. you have already had words with her and it hasnt worked.

"You have to alert people like the police and ss. you have already had words with her and it hasnt worked."

ffs... the woman does not sound anything like a potential paedophile! speak to the PARENTS first... not the bloody police or SS!!

Squeaky you cannot label her as SN because none of us know this. all we know is what she is doing and the effect on this family. its not a case of ignoring SN or being insensitive to it, it is responding to a potentially awful situation if not with this woman then with some other adult in the future. The OP has confronted her and asked her to stop but she hasnt. what do you suggest then? shrugging shoulders and saying yeah sure you kiss and slobber over my kids whenever you want, i ll even bring them around to your house so you dont have to come into my garden. i am not the kind of person who sees a paedo on every corner or thinks people with SN are pariahs far from it. but i am the sort of person who thinks that if your instinct tells you that something just isnt right then you need to pay attention to it.

squeaky - i am so glad that there is someone out there who can tell who is and who isnt a potential paedophile just by a description on mn. read up on this a bit not in the daily fail but in papers written on it by the nspcc and others and then tell me that this isnt odd behaviour. if it looks like grooming and it sounds like grooming then it is.

I think you have been far too polite! Tell her to stay away from your dd and your family in general. You don't have to feel bad or explain yourself to this rude young woman - just tell her to stay off your property and away from your family.

"The OP has confronted her and asked her to stop but she hasnt. what do you suggest then?"

I suggest (as many others have) speaking to the parents. The people who she lives with, who know her better than anyone else.

This subject is very close to my heart because of friends with adult children who have SN, which are not always visible. I have seen them ostracised, bullied, and treated like shit because of people who jump to Daily Mail style conclusions rather than wondering if there is some underlying reason for the behaviour.

A friends daughter is 36, she has the mental age of a 10yo. She is a very very attractive woman. But in her head she is a child. Imagine a 10yo child in a 36yo body. You could meet her in the street and not realise until you speak to her, that she is any different to the average person. But she loves her dolls house, she loves playing with children "her own age", she does not know she is a 36 year old woman.