More of a WWYD - Neighbour to friendly with Children

[FadingAwayToAHippo]

ok, just some advice on how to tackle the situation.

We have lived at our current house for 6 years, and we have 2 dds, 3yo (almost 4) and 2yo.

We live in a fairly quiet street with lovely neighbours, the neighbours on one side are fairly nosey but generally ok. The problem is their 28 year old daughter.

For as long as I can remember she has came out her house everytime we pull up or leave the house to say hi to the girls and asks for kisses and cuddles. this was fine as I could usher them fairly quickly in and out the car. then we started letting the kids play in the back garden whilst i cooked dinner, you cant access our garden except from the back door and their is a 6ft fence on two side but only a hedge between us and this neighbour. I used to watch them from the window so one day i watched this girl lift DD over into her garden.

I went out and told her off and also told DD off and said she was to never leave the garden without coming to ask me first.

Now there is a new wee girl, 6yo who lives round the corner and she likes to come and chap for the girls so I allow them to play in the front garden and I watch them from the front step. I actually dont mind it as I get a chance for a cuppa in peace whilst watching them play happily, rather than the usual refereeing sibling quarrels.

Our neighbour has now started to come out and hang over our fence the whole time the kids are playing. and asking for kisses and cuddles and then DD1 will say "xx come and play in our garden" which she does and spend the whole time lifting DD1. DD1 lets her do this as I am now constantly refusing to lift her on the basis she is a big girl and can walk. So I have to say loudly "DD1 get down you are too big to be lifted"

Our front garden has a 3 ft fence all round but no gate. so I am trying to teach the girls that they can't leave the garden, as its on a road, for people parking etc. My SIL lives two doors up and they have, on occasion, seen her parking and ran out. One day last week when this happened and neighbour was at the gate I shouted at the DDs and told them off, about the danger of roads and not leaving the garden without permission etc. The very next day again when SIL showed up neighbour actually lifted DD2 and started walking along the street with her. So again I shouted "DD2 I have told you not to leave the garden without asking, I know neighbour is an adult but you did not ask permission" Neighbour says "but she was just going to see auntie X" I said yes but you were here yesterday when I asked them not to leave the garden wiothout asking, if they dont do it everytime they will think they can leave when auntie x isnt there and then what?

Sorry this is really long!!

So yesterday again, the same thing happens and neighbour lifts DD1 over the fence so I just brought the girls in and said dinner was ready.

I said to DP what shall we do, he has before said just ignore it (he's very laid back) but yesterday he said I think you need to speak to her mum???? She's 28 for god sakes.

So (and well done for getting this far) WWYD? anything?

What I want to say is "Neighbour, please leave them alone to play and stop asking my kids for kisses"

No she didn't, her mother did.

Maybe DP encouraged the chat! Were you there? @ sugarice

The behaviour OP has described sounds more like what you would expect from someone who is 11 or 12. And while this woman may have the appearance of a 28yo, it would seem to me that her behaviour is that of a young girl, wanting to play with small children, and even the flirting is something that a young girl with a crush on an older man may do, but OP is seeing a 28yo in front of her, not a 12yo.

I am sure DP did not want to hear about inverted nipples nor ask whether she breastfed. How on earth did that come up in conversation?

I do count my blessings that my DS does not have the ability to act socially inappropriate I think I would actually eplode with anger if he was falsely accused.

Just a thought.
Disclaimer - OP is NOT falsely accusing anybody

Apologies, I read that wrong .

You are totally right Squeaky Toy, I don't know that she doesn't have SN but I would have suspected if she had a diagnosed condition her mum would have told us as she tells us everything (inverted nipples) but as I said her mum is also very over familiar but more with asking personal questions and being extremely nosey.

But this is why I am treading very carefully.

I think if I tell her to stop lifting DD she will but she will still come out and hang over the fence while they are playing and how can I tell her to stop that? The fence we have in the front garden is the tallest allowed.

We are getting a fence to replace the hedge in the back. The mother was offended when I told her this but I said it was to do with the brambles that grow and I was concerned for the DDs. This is partly true as brambles do grow.

Putting up a bigger fence is definately not the answer as this woman will find a way around it. i think you have to go outside and tell her firmly and politely that you have rules and boundaries for your kids and one of these is not being lifted over a fence by someone/anyone even a neighbour that they know. tell her that you expect your kids not to be asked for kisses all the time and that she needs to stop it. yes she could have SN but your job is to protect your kids from this whether she is SN or not. there are so many worse case scenarios here that i would really want to take it seriously and deal with it quickly. if she carries on after the first chat then sorry but you have to firmly say to her that if she picks your child up again and either carries them up the road or into their garden that you will speak to the police/social services/someone in authority. and for those of you who think i am over reacting i am not. it is too late once something has happened believe me and you have to live with it. why do we think somehow that a 28 girl is "safer " than a 28 yr old man. if it was a man would this be your reaction?

You just need to be quite matter of fact. Your dh could do it "neighbour,you are a v naughty girl" She might listen to him,or not.
:o
Sorry,off on a bit of a tangent!

Oh Sparkling Brook, the inverted nipples story...

On first day, nay first 10 minutes home with DD1 I was very sore, DD1 was needing fed and neighbours were at the door asking to visit, so DP was at the door making excuses and saying "oh I've just put the kettle on and we're waiting on family do you mind coming back after 3pm, Hippo is feeding just now anyway" neighbour says "oh i'll feed baby so hippo can have tea" and DP says "well she's breastfeeding" and mother says "oh I couldnt brestfeed as I had inverted nipples"

Swear to god, I was listening from living room pmsl at how awkward DP must have been.

He came in and said "next time you answer the door"

whether or not she has SN is irrelevant - and i say that as the mother of a 20yr old with SN....you perhaps have to make it a little clearer - i know with my son if you said he could not take the children out of the back garden he wouldnt think unless told specifically that it meant the front garden too.

At the end of the day, you dont want your children taking out of the garden regardless of whether or not she has SN.

you need to set out clearly what you are saying to the girl, and i would also have a word with her mum when you see her, it can all be done nicely, but be clear in the boundaries you are setting. My son would not take a hint - he would need to be told clearly to understand.

personally i think involving the police is a bit heavy at this stage - though all the police would do is go around and tell her to stop taking the children out of the garden, which you can do yourself.

Ok, so I think maybe speak to the girl first. So should I start with "please dont lift dd's" then take it from there or should I go all in and say "don't lift them, kiss them, play with them and please stop coming out when they are playing in the garden"

I am sure she is harmless but I want her to just let the kids play, but also don't want to fall out with the neighbours.

Maybe we should just move...

sugar it's still just as bad

Just move OP - easier all round I think

Sounds like the whole family have issues with personal boundaries, in that they have none! You might even get the mother on your back having told the 28yr old off.

With some people it's all about them and their injured feelings until you make them see it from your perspective. Without having a SN some people are just like that, they lay their lives, warts and all at your feet, and think people who don't overshare their lives with all and sundry are standoffish/shy/stuck up. You might have to spell it out e.g. thinking dcs have been snatched and calling the police (I know you didn't but worth them thinking they'll have the police at the door)- you're teaching the dcs not to wonder off, telling mummy where they are going - training them not to dart out the front due to traffic - so you don't want neighbour picking them up and wondering off with them, the last bit said in a way that doesn't brook any argument.

They do sound like an all-round odd family. No social boundaries, pushy when you're literally just back from the hospital with a new baby, oversharing oops, I do this too and the whole Very Odd wanting to play with your DDs all the time.

I'd disagree that just because her oversharing mother didn't tell you about it, that the daughter doesn't have special needs of some sort. Enough people have said this just doesn't sound NT. It really doesn't. Not that this is necessarily a problem - I'm sure she doesn't have sinister designs on your children - but if she has a younger mental age then she's possibly not capable of assessing risk when she plays with them. Plus, you're not happy with it, so that's reason enough to call a halt.

Which begs me to ask - why on earth are you pussyfooting around? And why is your DH not taking your concerns seriously? Just TELL her NOT to. It's potentially a dangerous issue if the children now play out at the front, where wandering off or being hit by a car are far greater issues. TBH, if you have an enclosed garden, that's where I'd let them play unsupervised. A higher boundary is a good idea too. But FFS, just gird your loins and tell the woman to stop it, that it makes you uncomfortable, that it undermines your authority with your DC. And if I were you, I'd be having a quiet word with her parents too, but that's because I really don't think this is 'normal'.

I think there is some sort of special needs there, that is not normal on any level.

I also think you need to be more clear with her rather than hinting which she isn't getting. It doesn't have to be rude or confrontational, you can simply say to her that you would like her not to take lift your children out the garden.

I would do that and give one reminder if she tries it again and after that point discuss it with her parents.

Perhaps something like "I'm encouraging them to play independently, so please don't intervene unless someone is in imminent danger." would cover it?

I absolutely don't understand the op.

Under no circumstances can any adult abduct a child, and that is what she is doing by taking your child without consent.

I would knock the door and with jo please or frap like that categorically state that if the 28 year old touches, picks up or attempts to abduct your children again you will dial 999. Similarly the parents.

And light a bloody fire under your dh!!! Mine wouldn't be saying this is ok!!!

Get a fuckin grip.

Just tell her to back the hell off, there your kids and she needs to go and establish a life outside of yours and if she doesn't you will be taking matters further and tell her your sick of the hugging and kissing and over friendly auntie-ish behaviour with your kids.
She is an adult, you don't have to be friends with your neighbours and be frank with her tell her its creepy and really pissing you off now, plus its a bad example as your kids now feel its ok to go off with strangers and leave the garden.
Then go see her mum and say the same and make it clear.
Well that's what I would do, but I hate people I don't know well being cute with my kids.

Yes just because the happen to live next door doesn't make them friends!!

Can't abide our neighbours both sides and they arnt keen on us.

Go round now and be absolutely unequivocal. If she touches the kids you will have her arrested for abduction.

I think it's pretty clear that the mother and daughter both have issues with understanding social boundaries, whether because of SN or family idiosyncrasies. I don't think you'll get far by speaking to her mother anyway.

Next time she does something inappropriate, go out there and tell her very firmly that she has to keep away from your children. Whether she has SN or not, it's only fair on everyone that she knows she is acting inappropriately. Perhaps mention your concerns to her mother as well, but don't expect her to sort her daughter's behaviour out for you.

I should be clear, I am always present in the garden when the dc's are playing as they are 3 & 2 so I always see it. I really don't think any threats of police etc will help this situation, she is not going to abduct my children whilst I am standing there and she lives next door. But I am going to wait until next time girls are out and if she comes out have a quiet word with her then. I think anything more will be too much at this stage.

Then the next step will be the parents, then I'll think seriously about taking it further.

But thank you for all the replies, I really thought I was BU wanting to say something.

ReportMeNow echos my thought, which was "Sounds like the whole family have SNs....".

Anyway I hope you get it sorted OK. You can speak to the daughter in a kind tone whilst keeping your words definite - hopefully that will get the message over without rudeness.