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Original poster

More of a WWYD - Neighbour to friendly with Children

126 replies

FadingAwayToAHippo · 04/07/2012 13:50

ok, just some advice on how to tackle the situation.

We have lived at our current house for 6 years, and we have 2 dds, 3yo (almost 4) and 2yo.

We live in a fairly quiet street with lovely neighbours, the neighbours on one side are fairly nosey but generally ok. The problem is their 28 year old daughter.

For as long as I can remember she has came out her house everytime we pull up or leave the house to say hi to the girls and asks for kisses and cuddles. this was fine as I could usher them fairly quickly in and out the car. then we started letting the kids play in the back garden whilst i cooked dinner, you cant access our garden except from the back door and their is a 6ft fence on two side but only a hedge between us and this neighbour. I used to watch them from the window so one day i watched this girl lift DD over into her garden.

I went out and told her off and also told DD off and said she was to never leave the garden without coming to ask me first.

Now there is a new wee girl, 6yo who lives round the corner and she likes to come and chap for the girls so I allow them to play in the front garden and I watch them from the front step. I actually dont mind it as I get a chance for a cuppa in peace whilst watching them play happily, rather than the usual refereeing sibling quarrels.

Our neighbour has now started to come out and hang over our fence the whole time the kids are playing. and asking for kisses and cuddles and then DD1 will say "xx come and play in our garden" which she does and spend the whole time lifting DD1. DD1 lets her do this as I am now constantly refusing to lift her on the basis she is a big girl and can walk. So I have to say loudly "DD1 get down you are too big to be lifted"

Our front garden has a 3 ft fence all round but no gate. so I am trying to teach the girls that they can't leave the garden, as its on a road, for people parking etc. My SIL lives two doors up and they have, on occasion, seen her parking and ran out. One day last week when this happened and neighbour was at the gate I shouted at the DDs and told them off, about the danger of roads and not leaving the garden without permission etc. The very next day again when SIL showed up neighbour actually lifted DD2 and started walking along the street with her. So again I shouted "DD2 I have told you not to leave the garden without asking, I know neighbour is an adult but you did not ask permission" Neighbour says "but she was just going to see auntie X" I said yes but you were here yesterday when I asked them not to leave the garden wiothout asking, if they dont do it everytime they will think they can leave when auntie x isnt there and then what?

Sorry this is really long!!

So yesterday again, the same thing happens and neighbour lifts DD1 over the fence so I just brought the girls in and said dinner was ready.

I said to DP what shall we do, he has before said just ignore it (he's very laid back) but yesterday he said I think you need to speak to her mum???? She's 28 for god sakes.

So (and well done for getting this far) WWYD? anything?

What I want to say is "Neighbour, please leave them alone to play and stop asking my kids for kisses"

OP posts:
MorrisTraveller · 04/07/2012 14:24

I'd go with the speaking to her directly option too - but I don't think it's particularly 'nice' that she's interested in your dc as she doesn't appear to be a trustworthy adult.

SN or not tho, if you haven't said plainly to her "Please don't take my DC out without my permission" then she might just have no idea that you're unhappy with it. Lots of childless people just don't 'get' what's appropriate, and need it pointing out. If she still persists, then you will def have to speak to her parents.
If this seems a bit much, you just need 10 seconds imagination to realise that someone who doesn't realise it's not ok to take a child without parental permission won't necessarily watch them carefully while they have them - an accident could easily happen while this woman has her.

In the meantime tho, can you tell your DD that the neighbour isn't allowed to come play, and to stop asking her over?

squeakytoy · 04/07/2012 14:27

I would say it sounds fairly obvious that this woman has special needs and is not the mental age of a NT 28 year old.

Go and speak to her parents for heavens sakes first of all.

Icelollycraving · 04/07/2012 14:32

Instead of saying to dc to not leave the garden,I'd be saying something to the neighbour directly. You can soften it or be tough,your choice.

valiumredhead · 04/07/2012 14:37

Say to the neighbour that it's lovely that she is so friendly but you are teaching your children not to go anywhere or with anyone without checking with your first and you would prefer them to play in your own garden. Be firm.

I disagree with the SN thing, I think quite possibly she could just be lonely and not very aware of 'normal' boundaries and a bit socially inept etc.

Either way, it needs to stop.

SoleSource · 04/07/2012 14:41

i feel this Lady has SN. i do not think her motives are to actually harm your children. I think gently ask her parents and make them aware that you are naturally unhappy about her actions. It is a shame as the neighbour probably just cares for your children and enjoys their company. It can pose a safety risk and I would equally be concerned. I do feel sorry for the neighbour that what she enjoys is going to have to stop, I think her parents should have stopped it before this. Good luck for what is a difficult conversation.

squeakytoy · 04/07/2012 14:43

28yo, lives with parents, comes running out of the house to play with children when she sees them...

Sorry Valium, but that sounds very much like the behaviour of my friend's daughter whose SN are not visible but her actions are clearly not NT.

A lonely 28yo would speak to the parents, not engage with the toddlers to that extent.

Even IF there are no SN, the behaviour is unusual, and speaking to the woman herself has clearly not sent the message across, so it would be better to find out by speaking to her parents.

valiumredhead · 04/07/2012 14:45

Squeaky I get what you are saying but an old neighbour of mine did exactly the same and wasn't SN whatsoever.

mercibucket · 04/07/2012 14:46

Maybe just get trellising put up along the fence and a proper side gate?
Does sound like neighbour might have SN so a chat with the parents might help too

mercibucket · 04/07/2012 14:46

Maybe just get trellising put up along the fence and a proper side gate?
Does sound like neighbour might have SN so a chat with the parents might help too

valiumredhead · 04/07/2012 14:48

Trellis is a good idea.

AmberLeaf · 04/07/2012 14:51

I can't imagine a neuro-typical 28 year old woman behaving in this way.

I think she must have some sort of SN.

Talk to her parents. It doesn't have to be complaining or ranty, just say you are trying to teach your girls about being safe and not going off without permission and their daughters behavior is undermining that.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 04/07/2012 14:51

She might not have SN. An ex workmate of mine was similar, same age as well. She just had no common sense whatsoever. I came into work with my two when DD was newborn. Was nattering to other members of staff only to find she'd disappeared upstairs to the stockrooms with my eldest!

zzzzz · 04/07/2012 14:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Socknickingpixie · 04/07/2012 15:12

directly firmly and politly inform her exactly what is acceptable and what isant.limit it to "you must not enter my garden without my permision" and "you must not remove my children from my garden for any reason"."you may talk to them over the fence"

if this has no effect then convey the same message to her parents just incase she does have sn.

then go buy a damn gate they are a very basic thing that one would expect to see on a fenced in garden they are not a new fangled moden thing. a gate provides a very visable barrier for people in the garden as well as outside the garden

NarkedRaspberry · 04/07/2012 15:19

I find it very hard to believe that you've let it carry on like this without doing something about it.

Talk to the woman and explain that her behaviour is inappropriate. Talk to your children and tell them not to talk to her or go anywhere with her. If you feel she has SN, talk to her parents. If it happens again, police.

NarkedRaspberry · 04/07/2012 15:21

And get a proper fence instead of/as well as the hedge.

Original poster
FadingAwayToAHippo · 04/07/2012 15:21

Thanks all, I did tell her off for taking DD over the back garden but I assumed by making it clear to the DDs that they are not to leave the garden then she would know.

I didn't want to say in original post, but I don't think she has SN and if she did have a degree then her mother would have told us (she once told DP she couldnt breast feed as she had inverted nipples), I think the mum and the daughter are very over familiar. The mum didnt speak to me when she found out I was pregnant with DD2 as she found out off another neighbour, so was offended I hadn't told her.

The daughter works at weekends at nights and goes to college during the day (I'm not sure what she does). There is definitely an issue with social boundaries but I wouldn't say SN.

I keep going to say something but then maybe think I am over reacting. I think she knows it annoys me as she doesn't really speak to me, she'll come into the garden and play with the DDs but ignores me sitting on the step. BUT she does flirt (and always has) with DP.

I think I'll definitely speak to her about it in the first instance then take it from there.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 04/07/2012 15:22

OP has already spoken to the 28yo on a couple of occasions and the behaviour has continued, which would certainly imply learning difficulties or social behaviour issues. Surely the only logical step now would be to speak to the parents.

Original poster
FadingAwayToAHippo · 04/07/2012 15:24

I should say that the lifting over the fence thing has only been happening the past few weeks since they've been playing out the front garden, only happened once in the back garden. I had left it to see if she got bored of playing with the kids.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 04/07/2012 15:25

"There is definitely an issue with social boundaries but I wouldn't say SN."

"BUT she does flirt (and always has) with DP"

An issue with social boundaries and the inappropriate flirting would indicate learning difficulties to me. It is not the expected behaviour of a 28yo woman, is it??

Sparklingbrook · 04/07/2012 15:25

You should tell your DC that she is not to lift them too, so they know and can object.

SoleSource · 04/07/2012 15:25

You don't know for sure she does not have SN. Telling her off isn't working.

valiumredhead · 04/07/2012 15:26

OP has already spoken to the 28yo on a couple of occasions and the behaviour has continued, which would certainly imply learning difficulties or social behaviour issues

Or she's just ignoring her/forgotten/not taken on board the importance of what is being discussed.

NarkedRaspberry · 04/07/2012 15:26

If she's ignored you, the next step is her parents. Then it's the police. You can't have someone taking your daughter out of your garden without your knowledge or permission. It does sound like she has some SN - lack of understanding of social boundaries is a part of some conditions. If she isn't listening you need to talk to someone else.

sugarice · 04/07/2012 15:26

She told DP she had inverted nipples!! Shock and flirts with him too but ignores you!. My alarm bell would've gone off long ago, tell her to back off.