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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think helping with the children means helping with the children?

118 replies

Rhubarbgarden · 03/07/2012 08:50

MIL has flown in from abroad for a few days to help with the children (2 year old dd and six week old ds). This morning I am BFing ds and dd wakes up and starts shouting to be got up and given her milk. I ask DH to do it as he passes en route from the bathroom, but he says his mother will do it as he is taking advantage of her being there to go into work early. Fine. Except that MIL turns out to be 'busy'; she is cleaning the oven. So dd has to wait till I've rushed finishing feeding ds and can get the two of them downstairs and sorted out.

Now I know it won't kill dd to wait for her milk, but really, if I wanted my oven cleaning I wouldn't have left it six years I would get my cleaner to do it; the whole point of MIL flying in is to help with the kids. Or am I being ungrateful?

OP posts:
SundaeGirl · 03/07/2012 08:52

She was cleaning your oven?! YABU!

CailinDana · 03/07/2012 08:54

YANBU. I had to tell my MIL to stop cleaning my house and actually interact with my DS. So now instead of interfering in the house she's taken over in the garden. She rang DH recently and asked to come down recently to "do gardening," in spite of the fact that she knows we have no childcare and we hardly ever get a break. So I told DH to tell her no. The last thing I need is another adult getting under my feet and making a mess while I try to look after DS. If she wants to come down and drink tea, or god forbid, help look after DS, fair enough. But if she wants to do gardening she has her own garden so she can feck off and look after that.

hermionestranger · 03/07/2012 08:54

YAbu hugely so. Sorry.

Cockwomble · 03/07/2012 08:55

Why didn't your DH insist MIL pause from oven cleaning to attend to DD?

Petsinmypudenda · 03/07/2012 08:55

YABU she came to help and thinks she is being helpful.

Sirzy · 03/07/2012 08:56

Yabu ungrateful. She is helping you out doing a job that obviously needs doing without needing to being asked to do so. You should be happy she is helping at all!

GrahamTribe · 03/07/2012 08:57

If someone's offers to do you a kindness it isn't for you to dictate what form that takes. It's hardly as if you're desperate for assistance, you have a husband, a cleaner and now MIL as well. A little more gratitude and a little less complaint is in order imo.

Hebiegebies · 03/07/2012 08:58

Completely see where you are coming from, but I'd be as mad with DH as MiL. He should have looked after your DD or asked hs mum to help.

Yes it's nice having a clean oven, but there are times for that and ths is not one of them

Hope you get to have a restful feed with your baby soon

sayonaragirl · 03/07/2012 08:58

My MIL offered to babysit the morning of my driving test. It seems she shut the twins up in their room and just played with the baby. When I got home the twins' bedroom had been utterly trashed with furniture tipped upside down and they hadn't even been fed breakfast. She had done the washing up though.

FormerlyTitledUntidy · 03/07/2012 08:58

I would hate anyone to clean my oven and see exactly how dirty I let it get but your mil thinks she is helping. Maybe you just need to tell her what exactly would be helpful?

StealthPolarBear · 03/07/2012 08:59

Arrrrgh help is only helpful if it is helpful. With a tiny baby presumably the op needs help rather than someone alphabetising her CDs. I hate this attitude of if the other person thinks they are helping then you must be eternally grateful. If its "help" that is actually no help to you then it's not helpful! All the good intentions in the world do not change that.

CailinDana · 03/07/2012 09:00

I'm surprised people are saying YABU. "Help" you don't actually want or need isn't helpful, it's just annoying.

That said I think older people sometimes forget how time consuming it is to look after children and they need to be told that they should focus on the children rather than on getting the house clean. I have to remind my MIL a lot of that but she gets it in the end.

StealthPolarBear · 03/07/2012 09:01

Arrrrgh help is only helpful if it is helpful. With a tiny baby presumably the op needs help rather than someone alphabetising her CDs. I hate this attitude of if the other person thinks they are helping then you must be eternally grateful. If its "help" that is actually no help to you then it's not helpful! All the good intentions in the world do not change that.

MothershipG · 03/07/2012 09:03

Y may B being just a little U Wink

I totally see where you are coming from, but have you actually had a conversation with your MIL about it? Although I find it incomprehensible, I understand that some people find cleaning/housework important and satisfying. Shock Also my MIL is so desperate not to be an interfering MIL that she will do nothing without direction fo fear of upsetting the DIL!

If it's a first offence give her a break and explain what you'd like her to do.

CailinDana · 03/07/2012 09:04

I also think cleaning some part of the house when you haven't been asked to do it and when you haven't checked in advance whether your host actually wants it cleaned is really rude. I wouldn't dream of going into someone else's house and cleaning their oven early in the morning unless they had specifically said they wanted that for some reason.

Sirzy · 03/07/2012 09:06

So she has got up early, seen a job needs doing and starts doing it and that is wrong? That takes MIL bashing to a new level.

Why couldn't your DH grab the milk for her before he went out?

StealthPolarBear · 03/07/2012 09:07

Oh yes I agree they should talk to her about it. And if shed come on saying aibu to think mil is a huge bitch and never to talk to her again, then swbvvu. But to have help offered on general, but then provided in a way that is incredibly unhelpful would not be appreciated by me.

To the people saying op should suck it up - would you all be happy for your mils to come and rearrange your bedroom furniture unasked?

FormerlyTitledUntidy · 03/07/2012 09:07

I agree cailindana. Though I suspect Im a bit sensitive, seeing as in the 2.5 years we've lived here mil has been once. We're not even a ten minute drive away

StealthPolarBear · 03/07/2012 09:08

Sirzy, I think it was shortsighted of her when there was another job that needed doing more urgently, Tje job she had in fact offered to come and do

ToffeePenny · 03/07/2012 09:08

Normally I'd go with the YABU but you have a 6 week old and presumably the purpose of the visit is to help you rather than maintain your house.
Remembering what those first few weeks were like I just needed someone around to do the seemingly menial stuff - hold a baby, make a cuppa, provide grown up conversation - not big projects like cleaning the oven or alphabetisizing the entire DVD/CD collection & library (cheers for that DH!).
However the fault here is not with MIL who sounds lovely but with communication. DH buggered off without making sure she did the milk - you were stuck breastfeeding and so it should have been his responsibility to do or delegate the task not just assume MIL would be available.

StealthPolarBear · 03/07/2012 09:09

And it would take me the best part of 20 mins to "grab milk" before I go to work.

civilfawlty · 03/07/2012 09:09

Stealth is right. YANBU.

StealthPolarBear · 03/07/2012 09:09

Lol so the cd alphabetizing did actually happen to someone? :o

Moomoomie · 03/07/2012 09:11

Maybe MIL thought your dd wanted her mummy, from reading a few of your posts recently, I feel you dd is crying out to spend time with mum. You could have put ds down for a minute, grabbed dd from her cot and snuggled together whilst continuing to feed.
You are very lucky to have as much help as you do.

Poosnu · 03/07/2012 09:11

She is obviously trying to be helpful, why else would she be cleaning your oven first thing in the morning! She probably didn't know what needed doing at that point and saw a job she could do.

Why don't you just let her know how she could best help you? If she lives abroad she won't know your routines with DD. If she has come over specifically to help I'm sure she won't be at all offended, in fact she would probably be pleased to know what to do.