to think helping with the children means helping with the children?

[Rhubarbgarden]

MIL has flown in from abroad for a few days to help with the children (2 year old dd and six week old ds). This morning I am BFing ds and dd wakes up and starts shouting to be got up and given her milk. I ask DH to do it as he passes en route from the bathroom, but he says his mother will do it as he is taking advantage of her being there to go into work early. Fine. Except that MIL turns out to be 'busy'; she is cleaning the oven. So dd has to wait till I've rushed finishing feeding ds and can get the two of them downstairs and sorted out.

Now I know it won't kill dd to wait for her milk, but really, if I wanted my oven cleaning I wouldn't have left it six years I would get my cleaner to do it; the whole point of MIL flying in is to help with the kids. Or am I being ungrateful?

Oh :o well I do live in a big house y'know :o
And the competitive martyrdom has begun. If you would love help, would you like it to be helpful, or doing something you couldn't actually give q stuff about?

The milk thing wasn't going out to buy it, sorry. Just getting dd out of her cot, changing her nappy, installing her on the highchair, pouring milk into her cup and giving it to her. But it's still not a quick task because she faffs like toddlers do.

Have to go now but thanks for massive response - was just a little exasperated whinge! Stealth about nails it - thanks!

TBH sounds like she wants to help out, she knows you need help, but doesn't like babies/toddlers (or possibly doesn't want to step on your toes when it comes to them)

TBH I really really don't like babies or toddlers, even though I've got kids of my own. If I was helping out I'd probably do the same as your MIL - sort out your house and leave you to the kids. I'm just not into babies, and other kids' nappies make me want to boak.

I think YABU but then I'm biased.

When OP said "grab milk" I assumed she meant from the fridge, and put in a cup or bottle? WOuld have taken 2mins?

YABU, but you have a six weeks old, so that makes you very forgiveable. But your DH was not helpful. He should have taken care of your DD if he knew his mother was cleaning the oven, as it's not really a job you can stop and go back to later.
If your MIL is set in her ways, maybe try to let it go and use her for housework.
If you really want her help with the kids, see if you can give her some specific tasks with them, like going for a walk with the baby or taking the DD to the park.

Sorry but just because MIL has come over from abroad to help out doesn't mean that she should be obliged to deal with shitty nappies when you are perfectly able to do it. Had you been out for hours and she'd been left with your DC, sure, but you were in the shower. How do you think that mothers have no help - for those like Jiggleballs and I neither husband, nor MIL nor cleaner - dealt with it when we had to take a shower?

Besides, from the sound of it your MIL was cleaning the oven before anyone else was even awake. Be grateful.

She has tried asking for specific things.

I'm going to come round and iron some people's socks for them I think.and ill expect gratitude!

No the mil is not obliged but the op was under the impression she had offered. You know when she said "ill cone and help with the children". Fine for her not to do it at all. Not fine for her to offer help and then only do it to her own agenda.

Stealth: Sorry, I didn't see that.
But I think there is a difference between cleaning an oven when the two parents are in the house (meaning they can take care of the children), and ironing socks!

So she has got up early, seen a job needs doing and starts doing it and that is wrong? That takes MIL bashing to a new level.
Spot on.

You clearly are scruffy if your oven hasn't been cleaned in 6 years and she was in the middle of doing it for you.

Your DD wasn't in danger or about to drop down because she hasn't had her milk there and then.
Get a grip.

I have explained to her at length that things like cleaning the oven, ironing bedlinen and rearranging my cupboards are not priorities

You do realise that she's not staff?

"Hmmm...if you hubby hadn't been about and your DD was really upset, I could understand you.... but tbh, in this case I think you should be annoyed with your dh not your mil."

I agree.

"but he says his mother will do it as he is taking advantage of her being there to go into work early"-could he really not have done it-did he actually ask his mum to do it?

Poor woman-she was cleaning the oven-which she probably thought she could finish before anyone was up.

But even with 2 other adults in the house she should have known to stop this & immediately see to her GC?

Bloody hell-you both sound really entitled!

If my mum was staying, in that situation, I wouldn´t expect to have to wait on her, but neither would I expect her to wait on me!

You'd be most welcome Stealth, and I at least would be grateful to you for your thoughtfulness.

I think it comes don to this "dont start anything you can't easily stop" that most new mums find a problem but is quickly forgotten. I knw when ds was small I used to ask dh to hold him for a second so I could blow my nose or go for a wee and he would be hooverong or cleaning or something. He failed to see that I just needed someone else o be responsible for dc for 5 mins because there wasn't something specific to "do"

Ballstoit is bang on - OP doesn't have a husband and a mil helping her - she has a husband who is expecting his mother to take over his load (not OPs) and a mil who is lovely but not a replacement for another pair of hands.

Having household chores (however tedious) that don't need doing prioritised over actual help is as useful as having your foreign coin collection sorted for you when you have no immediate holiday plans.

And seriously, does anyone on hearing that someone has given birth, really think 'I must fly to them now, they will have mucky skirting boards and a greasy oven'.

Pets, I think she meant they're not her and Dhs priorities, not on mils list of jobs.
Graham, I need a coffee break every hour and nice biscuits, no custard creams. And I'm Crap at ironing. Just sos you know :o

Stealth, Are you honestly telling me you had someone else hold your DC so you could go for a wee?

yabu OP

are you joking?!

I have nice coffee. And posh biscuits. You're hired Stealth. Deal?

Nice attitude Jiggly. So because you dont have a DH a cleaner or a MIL, the OP should struggle or be grateful for non-help?

In 21 years of child rearing, the kids have never cause my oven to need cleaning, oh and name calling over her household standards is hardle helpful either.

BTW, as it hadn't been cleaned in about 6 years maybe the MIL felt compelled to clean the bloody oven before she could eat anything cooked in it!

Ds refused to be put down. Obv when dh was out then I had no choice but when dh was around I didn't think it was beyond the realms of possibility that he could hold hos son so I didn't have to wee to the sound of furious crying. Sometime I even washed my hands :o

Ds refused to be put down. Obv when dh was out then I had no choice but when dh was around I didn't think it was beyond the realms of possibility that he could hold hos son so I didn't have to wee to the sound of furious crying. Sometime I even washed my hands :o

Sorry, but if she flown over to help you with the kids then that is what she should do. I can't believe you all think OP is being U.

Cleaning the oven is not a priority, feeding a crying chid is. And who cleans an oven first thing in the morning, to me that sounds like a snidy dig at your slatternly ways - how remiss of you to have a dirty oven when you have a 6 week old and a toddler to deal with!

Sounds like your DH has effectively delegated his parenting to MIL but hasn't told her this.

"In 21 years of child rearing, the kids have never cause my oven to need cleaning"

Bogey, you don't cook for your kids?