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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think helping with the children means helping with the children?

118 replies

Rhubarbgarden · 03/07/2012 08:50

MIL has flown in from abroad for a few days to help with the children (2 year old dd and six week old ds). This morning I am BFing ds and dd wakes up and starts shouting to be got up and given her milk. I ask DH to do it as he passes en route from the bathroom, but he says his mother will do it as he is taking advantage of her being there to go into work early. Fine. Except that MIL turns out to be 'busy'; she is cleaning the oven. So dd has to wait till I've rushed finishing feeding ds and can get the two of them downstairs and sorted out.

Now I know it won't kill dd to wait for her milk, but really, if I wanted my oven cleaning I wouldn't have left it six years I would get my cleaner to do it; the whole point of MIL flying in is to help with the kids. Or am I being ungrateful?

OP posts:

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 03/07/2012 09:58

how remiss of you to have a dirty oven when you have a 6 week old and a toddler to deal with

Well, she's not had that toddler and that baby for six years has she? What was she doing before? She should be ashamed of herself

Her poor, poor husband :(

GrahamTribe · 03/07/2012 09:59

I guess I just don't "get" the holding a child at all possible times thing, Stealth. I had an 20 month old and newborn but my late DH worked long shifts so I was on my own with the DC for much of the time and then I was completely alone when we lost him when the baby was 7 weeks old. So, despite her being a screamer too I wasn't accustomed to having the babies held all the time and I just assumed that people don't anyway. :)

Ephiny · 03/07/2012 09:59

Maybe there's been a slight misunderstanding about why she's there: you expected her to be specifically helping with the children, but she sees it more as generally helping, so she's getting on with things she notices need doing? She probably is trying to help.

I'd be more wondering why your cleaner hasn't cleaned the oven in 6 years!

Honestly I think it's often awkward having family members 'helping' like this, you are often better off paying for the help if you need it because at least then you are in a position to state clearly what you need, without any question of being 'ungrateful' or rude by doing so. Depends on your relationship with them, I guess, but I would not be happy having my MIL staying with us to interfere help.

diddl · 03/07/2012 10:00

"Sorry, but if she flown over to help you with the kids then that is what she should do"

Why should she?

Is she not allowed just to visit?

StealthPolarBear · 03/07/2012 10:01

Kenai her poor husband, really?

MrsSutherland · 03/07/2012 10:02

This would make me cross too. I used to have to say to my mum to stop cleaning my house and play with the kids, you've come round to see them not clean for me! In the end I hired her as my cleaner and paid her so she could get it out of her system

I would prefer for her to spend some time with the kids playing etc and I will do the cleaning.

Someone should have just asked her to do it and explain you would rather have help with the DCs as you can clean the oven at a later date and don't want her to have to do stuff like that.

GrahamTribe · 03/07/2012 10:02

Jenai, while I get what you're saying and I agree with the first part, that the OP's had plenty of time to clean the oven in the past 6 years so has her husband. He's not a "poor, poor DH", he's (presumably) a fully capable adult who is every bit as able to clean an oven as the woman in the relationship.

ceeveebee · 03/07/2012 10:04

"MIL has flown in from abroad for a few days to help with the children (2 year old dd and six week old ds)"
I didn't say she couldn't just visit, but on this occassion, the OP says she has specifically come to help - and therefore her DH is not contributing as much because he also thinks MiL is there to help.

GrahamTribe · 03/07/2012 10:05

Mrs Sutherland, the MIL probably thought, "The over can wait? For how much later for Pete's sakes?!", It's been waiting six freakin' years already!"

Ephiny · 03/07/2012 10:06

I don't get the 'poor husband' thing either, the oven is just as much his responsibility as hers, surely!

iknowwho · 03/07/2012 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

ceeveebee · 03/07/2012 10:10

I took the 6 years as a joke given that its struck out.

Jenai, her DH could have done it, or her cleaner, or perhaps she would do it herself if she cared about such things. Not everyone has the same standards or priorities. My MIL gets up and irons muslins and vests when she comes. i tell her not to bother but she does it without asking or being asked.

And on the 'just visiting' - have a look at the hundreds of threads in parenting/childbirth and even AIBU where everyone advises new mums not to let anyone come and stay unless they want to help. My rules are - if you want to stay and my house, you help out. If not then I will give the number of several local hotels and you can come round and visit for a few hours then go away again.

diddl · 03/07/2012 10:12

"I didn't say she couldn't just visit, but on this occassion, the OP says she has specifically come to help"

So?

Does that mean she should just do as OP orders then?

Maybe she´d rather not be treated as an unpaid skivvy but decide for herself what help to give?

VikingLady · 03/07/2012 10:15

I assumed Jenai was joking! You mean that was serious?!

ChaoticismyLife · 03/07/2012 10:16

YANBU

Someone who does stuff that you neither need, nor want, doing while ignoring the stuff that you do need, and want, doing is not helping.

Your DH does need to stop dumping his responsibilities though.

iknowwho · 03/07/2012 10:16

I took the 6 years as a joke given that its struck out.

I didn't after seeing some ovens I have seen!!

MIL is under no obligation to be your nanny (so to speak)
I have explained to her at length that things like cleaning the oven, ironing bedlinen and rearranging my cupboards are not priorities. I think you are bloody cheeky tbh!

SoSoMamanBebe · 03/07/2012 10:17

My lord! Some of you are bloody harsh and maybe even spiteful or thick. If you offer to help someone, ask what they need doing otherwise you are being a smug PITA. If you don't like the tasks specifically, talk about your own boundaries. If that means your invite is revoked so be it.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 03/07/2012 10:23

I've cleaned my oven TWICE in THREE years.

Unlike some of the slovenly madams on this thread.

To be fair, it does look a bit as if the MIL is doing it to make a point. In which case I advise sitting back and letting her get on with it. MIL gets to feel the cosy glow of righteousness, the OP and her DH get a clean oven. It's win-win.

Having said that, I have explained to her at length that things like cleaning the oven, ironing bedlinen and rearranging my cupboards are not priorities doesn't really reflect terribly well on the OP, does it?

diddl · 03/07/2012 10:25

Maybe MIL has decided not to help now that she is here.

Was that a condition of her being allowed to stay?

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 03/07/2012 10:25

I have an oven liner from Lakeland btw which I pull out and scrape off every now and then. It's not that bad.

ChaoticismyLife · 03/07/2012 10:42

I assumed the 6 years was a joke, it's the sort of thing I'd say and I haven't even owned my oven for 6 years.

As for "I have explained to her at length that things like cleaning the oven, ironing bedlinen and rearranging my cupboards are not priorities" I thought it was the OP explaining to her MIL how she could help, ie looking after DD for an hour would be helpful, rearranging the cupboards isn't.

FuckityFuckFuck · 03/07/2012 10:58

For what it's worth, I wouldn't have changed the shitty nappy either. It was bad enough changing my baby (obviously I would change them if I was alone caring for them etc etc)

HappyJustToBe · 03/07/2012 11:30

I have an urge to go home and clean my oven now before my poor DH realises what a state it is.

IKilledIgglePiggle · 03/07/2012 11:45

MIL's can't win either way. She could have rushed to the grandchild and the DIL would have been moaning that she didn't clean the oven.

When I'm a MIL I fully intend to be cleaning the oven whilst holding the toddler and a glass of wine.......... my DIL will love me.

CailinDana · 03/07/2012 11:47

Serious IKilled? What sort of loony would be thinking "Oh I wish MIL would leave DD to cry and just do the oven!" Barmy.

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