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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be aghast at the effort my sister puts into her children's schoolwork

115 replies

parakeet · 01/07/2012 21:12

My sister is a few years older than me, had children before me and in many ways she's been a bit of role model for me. Hers are now teenagers, and I would have thought they should be fairly independent by now. But with the 13-year-old she is in charge of what subject he's revising, how long he does, then she tests him at the end. Even the 15-year-old is monitored to ensure she does X amount of hours a day, plus instrument practice. They are both fairly bright, by the way, and at a private school.

I'm very curious to know if this is standard. And I'm really hoping it's not because I can't bear the thought of having to go through all this with mine in future. I can't understand it because our parents didn't treat me or my sister like this at all - we made our own decisions. She was a super swot, I was a last-minute crammer - our choice, and we both did OK.

I'm worried that when my children are at this stage, if I leave it up to them and they do badly, they'll hold it against me later. On the other hand, I CANNOT FACE going through the torture of GCSEs, A levels all over again, TWICE.

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 01/07/2012 21:15

I don't have teens so I don't know what I'll be like, but my intention is that once DS goes to senior school he's on his own! They'll possibly do brilliantly in their exams but if they go to Uni I'd bet on them crashing out...

Frikadellen · 01/07/2012 21:18

No I expect my 2 2ndary school girls to monitor their own homework. Considering the fact I have two girls who gets Outstanding and Good in reports through out I feel they do thsi satisfactory, Got to teach them to be independent adn take responsibility for their own actions..

At most I ask do you have homework?

MammaTJ · 01/07/2012 21:21

I must be a bit slack then!! I just let my DD, now 17 get on with it from around 11 years old. They are taught how to learn independantly from quite young, with DD age 6 being given things to research on the computer. Of course, I help her quite a bit, but that will lessen over the next few years bit by bit.

WorraLiberty · 01/07/2012 21:25

I just let mine get on with it, help them if they ask for help and make sure they do actually prioritise it over playing Xbox or going out to play.

Having said that, what your sister is doing obviously works for them as a family because there's not way she'd get that level of work out of a stubborn, obstinate teenager who didn't want her over involvement.

funchum8am · 01/07/2012 21:27

It is I believe fairly standard at private schools but not so much at state schools. I'm a secondary school teacher and in my experience the pupils who want to work hard will do so and do the work well rather than going through the motions for parents. Most of those who are forced into it will probably do better than if they hadn't been monitored so closely, but there is more incidence of huge flare-ups of conflict or years of silent, simmering resentment which can lead to real problems rather than increased exam results.

I'd say aim to get your children to love learning for it's own sake, encourage them to read and follow their interests which support the curriculum (eg visiting museums and attractions they might enjoy) and support the school in the sanctions they set if your children don't do their homework/revision. That's your job done (unless you have a sense that you are only a good parent if they get straight A*s when they are not all that keen on academic study, which is frankly an unhealthy attitude anyway!)

Marymaryalittlecontrary · 01/07/2012 21:34

I'm on the fence really. I don't think children should be forced to study and revise all hours of the day, but I think it's a good thing to get them into the habit of prioritising work. My mum left me to it, although would always help of I asked, and consequently I always left homework and revision to the last minute. I did pretty well actually at school, but could have done better at A Level, and did find uni quite stressful as I was a terrible procrastinator by then and still am!

So if/when I have children I will do my best to get them into a routine of doing homework etc at a certain time each day, so they don't make my mistakes. Plus, for things like revision it is useful to have someone to test you on what you've learned.

Busybusybust · 01/07/2012 21:49

This is good - that she wants her children to achieve, achieve, achieve. But I can foresee problems..........Unless she intends to go to uni with them, and carry on the micro-managing, then the kids are going to be in big trouble, having never learned to self-study, and regulate their own study/fun ratio.

I've seen kids like this over and over again, under-achieving.

Btw all my kids went to uni, all went to private junior schools, all but one have now graduated and have good jobs.

littletreesmum · 01/07/2012 21:56

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Original poster
parakeet · 01/07/2012 21:58

And forcing them to practice their instrument at 15 - is that normal? Surely it should be voluntary at that age.

OP posts:
amothersplaceisinthewrong · 01/07/2012 22:02

Sounds like these two kids are being hot housed somewhat. Far too much pressure, and likely to give rise to an explosion at some ponit.

WorraLiberty · 01/07/2012 22:04

I'm not really sure you can force a 15 year old to practice an instrument to be honest.

You can be strict with them yes...but forcing?

Sparklingbrook · 01/07/2012 22:05

My friend often refers to herself as her DS's 'revision partner'. I haven't yet asked what that entails. Confused

exoticfruits · 01/07/2012 22:09

She is a fool- and it is counter productive. I take it that her aim is to get them into a good university? She should be warned that they are the ones who can't cope and they are also the ones who go off the rails with freedom.
Do your children a favour-encourage, support but keep out of it-it has to come from them.

Rockpool · 01/07/2012 22:10

Hmmm I was a lazy arse and I will be making sure my dc do the work required.I'll never try and push a square peg into a round hole so to speak but I will ensure that what school require is being done.Maybe less so for A levels.I see it as my job to be frank.

Not sure last minute cramming cuts it these days.(sadly)

AnnieLobeseder · 01/07/2012 22:13

Is she planning to follow them to Uni and tell them what to do there too? Mine will be on their own asap!

MindTheElephant · 01/07/2012 22:15

Once they hit senior school they are/were on thier own i'm afraid.
If they dont/didn't do homework then they face the consequences. They have done/are doing quite well without my input.

But i did start to wonder why my Ds (4th child in senior school) didn't ever seem to have homework, so i asked him why.
It turns out he does it at school as he completes some of his work in lessons long before the lesson ends (his brain works super quick), so will do the homework for another subject whilst waiting for the lesson to finish.
Otherwise he says hes sitting there bored with nothing to do.

TBH i think once they hit senior school they would probably end up teaching me rather than me helping them!!!!!

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 01/07/2012 22:15

I think your friend it taking it to the extreme. It's one thing to oversee the work your children are doing, but monitoring it to that extent is too much.

My ds is still Y7, and I keep an eye on what he's doing and will check that he's doing what he's supposed to. I thought that was normal. Confused

ImperialBlether · 01/07/2012 22:19

I think encouragement and help with revision is fine. My daughter studied French at A level and degree and I would ask her questions (in English) and she'd reply in French. If you have a child who is too shy to speak much in class but who is going to be tested orally, then that's the least you can do, in my opinion.

I would also ask questions about what she was studying and just let her talk - I would ask questions but not offer an opinion. I think that helps understanding of a subject. I'm a teacher and one of the best ways to learn is to tell/show someone else.

I'd also read her essays and ask questions - it's not that she had to take on board what I was saying, but it would help her realise that she hadn't explained something well.

I don't think education starts and ends in the classroom. It's not just a duty; for me, I was interested in what she was studying and wanted to hear what she had to say about it.

ImperialBlether · 01/07/2012 22:20

I think monitoring is different from having a real interest in what they're doing.

GoodButNotOutstanding · 01/07/2012 22:22

I am a teacher and expect children to do their homework. My dd is in y7 and I don't monitor her homework, I expect her to do it herself. My thought is that if she wants to get a good education she will do the work to get there.

OwlsOnStrings · 01/07/2012 22:24

I have a 13 yr old (so just finishing Yr 8) and she's completely independent in that way. I don't have the time and couldn't face it even if I did.

I do "facilitate" her schoolwork. I ask in a general way if she's got any, so it's on the radar IYSWIM. If we have plans on a weeknight, I tell her in plenty of time, so that she can bring books home and get the homework out of the way earlier in the week. During exam revision times, I keep our weekends/evenings nice and boring so that she can stick to the revision timetable that she has prepared.

But your sister seems to take it to a different level entirely. Your dns might get good results with her help, but they may not be so great at discipline/independent learning.

OwlsOnStrings · 01/07/2012 22:25

I never actually see any of the work. I do help with language vocab/oral practice as I speak both of the languages she is studying, but that's the extent of it tbh.

Merrylegs · 01/07/2012 22:33

Hmm. Well. I have teens and ime they need more input, not less, as they get older.

She's not actually doing their homework for them, is she? She is helping them get organised.

Revision and GCSEs are just that - a feat of organisation really.

If she can help them get into good habits, and be a sounding board for their revision - having someone test you when you revise is really useful - then what's the problem?

I think in order for teenagers in particular to achieve, it is good for them to feel 'accountable' to someone - to understand that others are interested in their endeavours and to see that what they do matters to others.

My 15 year old and I enjoy plodding through his french revision for eg- he is rubbish and I am rusty, but together we work it out - it makes it a more animated learning experience and we get to spend a bit of time together. He's good company.

(Get her to read the book 'Tiger Mother' for a study in how not to facilitate intrument practice....)

FiftyShadesofViper · 01/07/2012 22:38

I vaguely oversaw what mine did but my overall approach was benign neglect really.

Have a friend though who was still revising with her darling only son even when he was 18 and doing A levels. You'd ring her up and she'd say "I can't chat, we have to revise our history tonight" Confused I'm waiting to see how he revises at uni!

ImperialBlether · 01/07/2012 22:41

But Fifty, revision is easier to do if someone is doing it alongside you. This is why children at boarding school can do so well academically.

I teach A levels and the students will say they revise much better if I or a parent is questioning them (not giving them the answers) - it gives them the opportunity to get their ideas straight in their mind.

Benign neglect sounds so lovely, doesn't it? In effect though, you're leaving them to sink or swim. If your child learns/revises better through verbalising ideas, then they're stuck with you, aren't they?