to be aghast at the effort my sister puts into her children's schoolwork

[parakeet]

My sister is a few years older than me, had children before me and in many ways she's been a bit of role model for me. Hers are now teenagers, and I would have thought they should be fairly independent by now. But with the 13-year-old she is in charge of what subject he's revising, how long he does, then she tests him at the end. Even the 15-year-old is monitored to ensure she does X amount of hours a day, plus instrument practice. They are both fairly bright, by the way, and at a private school.

I'm very curious to know if this is standard. And I'm really hoping it's not because I can't bear the thought of having to go through all this with mine in future. I can't understand it because our parents didn't treat me or my sister like this at all - we made our own decisions. She was a super swot, I was a last-minute crammer - our choice, and we both did OK.

I'm worried that when my children are at this stage, if I leave it up to them and they do badly, they'll hold it against me later. On the other hand, I CANNOT FACE going through the torture of GCSEs, A levels all over again, TWICE.

I think benign neglect is not a great idea with teens.

Best not to take your eye off the ball, really....

A gentle steer, perhaps.

I think your sister needs to take a massive step back? Cautionary tale. My dad picked all the Subjects I studied at o level, said no daughter of his was going to be a bloody secretary. No tv ever, just work work work. Even leisure time had to be educational - we read poetry and played chess As a result, I hated studying and still do, and could not wait to get a job and as far away as possible from another book, and if I'm honest, him. I managed to get a couple of decent A levels but that was only to keep him off my back. It seriously destroyed any enjoyment in learning and to this day, I still think that if he had backed off abit, I'd have probably taken the uni route at some point. Instead, when I turned 16, I rebelled big time. Raving etc. Not saying that your sister's kids will go that far too, but they definitely sound like they need some breathing space.

I had to do this with DS1 otherwise he wouldn't have done anything! I ended up drawing up a timetable that involved 20 mins of one subject, rest for 10 mins, then 20 minutes of a completely different subject, e.g. english, then maths, the est night physics, then history. This meant that he was downstairs on the table with me, tv off and his brother playing quietly on the computer...

Although I recognise that I was very hands on with his GCSE revision, it was needed as when he was 'revising' in his room, I would go up to find him having a 'break' on his playstation......sometimes kids need this as they are unable to motivate themselves

Many Asian parents do this as its part of their culture and many of these kids are successful.

It would be interesting to know how many parents here who advise just leaving the kids alone would prefer to/do send their children to private school.

If the kids have a good balance of social and academic activities, I see nothing wrong with what your sister is doing. I would applaud her encouragement and support of her DCs' education.

oh, and he was at our local average comprehensive

Don't a lot of kids at private school stay and do their prep at school?

With the instrument practise I can understand it - if the parents are paying for lessons then the practise needs to be done otherwise it is a complete waste.

Ds1 is 14, and in yr 9.

In yr 7, he did need some support in organising his homework, and a wee bit of badgering - it was a sea change for him. he was bewildered. I did despair a little - this is a child that left for school one day, meandered down the street, tracked back, then knocked on the door, cos he realised suddenly that he hadn't put his shoes on... It seemed so effortless for everyone else - am sure it wasn't though!

In yr 8, it was much less so - he was catching on, and getting into the swing of it. He knew if it wasn't done, he would have the consequences from his teachers, but it was still fear of getting into trouble that motivated him. He also got an alpha smart keyboard for his mild dyspraxia (which affects organisation and planning skills too). This year was just really me reminding him - again, I really noticed the difference between yr 7 & 8.

Now in year 9, he completely organises himself, and what motivates him, is doing well, rather than consequences. He hoofed it off to revise biology the other week, came back, and asked me to test him, I did, he realised he was not as strong on the endocrine system, hoofed it back, revised again, and asked for a few pointers (am an endocrinology nurse) asked me to test him again, and he did really well!

We've gone from 'can't do, won't do' in yr 7, where I had to lash the whip a bit, to 'will do but only cos I have to' with reminders in yr 8, to 'want to do well, will ask for help if I need it' in yr 9.... Go Figure!

Am generally of the tendency to let them get on with it, with an eye kept out for problems, general encouragement, a bit of monitoring etc...

Must point out my benign neglect worked although I do accept that I may have just been lucky. Both DCs got good GCSEs, good A levels and 2:1s in traditional-ish subjects from very good unis.

My point was that, at some point they will have to learn to cope alone so you may not be doing them any favours if you mollycoddle them too much.

I am with merrylegs on this one.

It doesn't do to take your eye off the ball too long with teens. My teens are very hard working so I just do my side of things like providing good ICT facilities and all the books they need. However if things start to slip you need to spot what is happening and work out why pretty sharpish.

The alternative can take ten years or more to sort out. I saw this happening with my cousins, whose parents were very laid back. The children have never achieved anything and life has been a struggle for them.

TBH I was left to my own devices and so I coasted a bit more of a challenging regime would of been much better for me.

I agree with pixwix. In year 7 they need a lot of help with organisation(at least some do) and after that you gradually have to let them take charge so that by year 13 they are the one completely in charge and you just offer support. If you are still in charge there is no point in them going on to university- they might as well get a job. They will suddenly be free to do what they like and organising time is up to them- they may have very little contact time. The university will tell you absolutely nothing. You won't know the work load, you won't know the deadlines and you won't know how they do unless they tell you - until the end. An utter disaster if you have been the driving force.

I can't see how helping your kids is ever a bad thing - you dont say they are rebelling against it or missing out on other things - so I can only see it as positive.

I know my own DCs have always had this much input from me - reading homework, testing vocab (even this year for GCSes), and even proof reading a university dissertation. listening to music practice and testing scales and
Arpeggios.

I've never had to force them to do work, which may be different, they've always sought the support - maybe thas because that's what we've always done since they were tiny - we just carried on....

What does she do - point a gun at the 15 year old until s/he starts to play?

Look - lessons are expensive, pointless without practice between them - and as someone who let their own practice go around that age and never got beyond grade 5, I wish I'd been nagged a bit more tbh.

your sister is taking an active interest in her children's progress. she is ensuring they get the best value for the family's investment in their education.

they will succeed and she will never regret it.

and what merrylegs said, too...

I totally agree with Merrylegs.

I was left to get on with it by my parents...spent quite a few evenings in detention for not doing homework...didn't get anything higher than a C in my g.c.s.es & left school at 16.
20 years later I wish I had worked much harder, achieved better results & furthered my education.

Wish my parents hadn't been so trusting of me (because I was a relatively good girl and they are lovely)
They might then have noticed that school was teaching me fuck all.
I will definitely be monitoring my lot for this reason

Maybe just trying to get tge most out of her investment.

I totally disagree with merrylegs. I was left to get on with things by my parents who knew full well that much as they might want to, they couldn't 'do it for me' in the same way as they couldn't wrap me up in cotton wool and protect me from all the bad things in the world. I never didn't do my homework. I never got a mark below an A in any subject ever. Got all As in my O and A levels, got a 2:1 from Cambridge and also got 3 grade 8 music exams along the way. So.

If asked, my parents were perfectly happy to test me on French or Latin vocab, or listen to poems or song lyrics - but I asked them. And I might equally ask my sister or one of my friends at school (and I would return th favour for them).

My parents were great parents, they never missed a parents evening, they never missed a concert, my dad used to be the one who would drive my trio/quartet (fluctuating membership) to gigs and pick us up afterwards. They were great parents. But the best thing they did was not taking my agency away from me. That is Bad Parenting.

Gentle steering at he start of year 7 that a quick back out to the "have you homework, when is it due" sort of supervision (with the odd burst of "do the jeffin art don't keep putting it off!")

Seems to have worked- eldest just finished 1st year uni very successfully in all parameters not just academic.

I reckon state schools are very much on the side of teaching them to organise themselves and work independently. THe dynamic is different when you are spending 10s of thousands of pounds on a child's education.

They may well need to work out " how little they can get away with /how much partying they CAN do and still achieve well" and that may involve getting it wrong at some point- the earlier the better for that really- Missed homework in yr8 and being in detention is " a bit of nothing" in the grand scale of things compared to not having a micromanager at uni and failing a year.

I think most kids need a reminder to practise if they are learning an instrument.

I think it's nice she's so involved tbh - certainly doesn't sound OTT.

OP it's definitely not standard in this house, never has been and never will be. I personally would find it unsustainable even if I thought it would be positive, which I don't. I think the approach is totally over the top.

I've never missed a parents evening and am interested in their lives generally. I also have a mixed group of children in terms of ability and work ethic (the latter has been noticeably absent with some at times) but the desire to work has to come from within.

It's ever so slightly insulting to imply that those who don't pay fees care less.

My Dad's reminders to practice the violin caused me to totally give up playing just after I got my Grade 5. Nag, nag ,nag.

@yellowtip Every time I wonder if my approach is in fact correct you reassure me.

I did actually just ask DD1 (who has a non pupil day) if she was going to do any practice today. SHe looked at me, raised one eyebrow and told me she was waiting till I went for my run. And then asked if I was ok.