To not want to work?

[jenrose29]

I have a 4.5 year old and a 4 week old. When I fell pregnant with DD1 I gave up a place at Cambridge University to stay home with her, my ex husband supported this and we spent the first three years of her life going to baby groups, the park, walking the dog, baking etc. We loved it :) When ex and I seperated I began a degree with the view of going into teaching when I'm done, I met DP with whom I have a 4 week old and I love him very much. However, though he wants more children, he expects me to work full-time. He earns well and could support us but is eager to have wages from us both coming in. At the moment I take DD1 to and collect her from school everyday, take her to lots of activities, to playdates etc and when baby gets a little older I want to give her the same childhood and attention DD1 had. I simply don't want children that I only see before/after nursery for a couple of hours when it isn't financially necessary to do so. I want the baby and any subsequent children to have the same opportunities/experiences DD1 has. DP wants to try for another baby straight away, which I would too if I could stay home to raise them. Am I being unreasonable?

Sorry, just to say, my point of listing several different situations was just to say there is no right or wrong situation, I.e SAHM or WOHM in my opinion, the only thing that matters is finding something that works for you and you family.

forgot to make my actual point!

angeltattoo is right and IIRC the OP's DP isn't yet divorced from his first wife (?) so this could have implications for the OP if it remains the same.

And why is there so much criticism of the DP being unrealistic as to child costs?

I think it's just giving him the benefit of the doubt, i.e. he's not necessarily trying to "mould" OP into anything. He's apparently never done much childcare nor paid for it himself, so it's quite possible he's not up to date with the costs and other practicalities.

If he's on 40K and wants a bigger house, then again he'd have to figure out where the extra money is going to come from. Definitely not from having a third child...Newly qualified teachers don't tend to make mega-bucks either, never mind after paying for childcare. There is definitely an element of naivety in how he seems to envisage the future.

Hope you don't have to explain yourself to the by man that's all.....

bt

I agree you need to think about your own future financial security, especially as you're not married - what happens if you and your new partner split up?

He does seem to have some unrealistic ideas about what is possible. Do you maybe need to sit down and look at some actual numbers, even put together a spreadsheet? That way you can easily see what does/doesn't add up. And talk about how your finances are going to work now that you're a family. It's up to you whether you want to keep things separate, or have joint family money, but if you're going to be a SAHM that is probably not going to work, not when your savings run out.

When he says he wants to start trying for another baby straight away - does he mean literally, 4 weeks after you've given birth to this one?

Honestly if I were you my priorities would be to get some qualifications and a job, it sounds like you already have several children between you - is there really any need to have more? And if you're only in your 20s, there's no rush to have more immediately, surely?

hopefullyrecovering which planet do you come from?
Some couples marry young, have children and they both work. Some others have one person work full time and the other part time. Yet others have one full timer and one SAHP because it suits the family better for whatever reason be it the cost of childcare or a life style choice. That doesn't mean that the SAHP is "kept" like you say. Both parents are building their future together and perhaps the non SAHP would not be as successful in his/her profession if his/her partner went out to work too. Maybe that's what both people want? Maybe it's not a choice that the non SAHP is imposing on the other one. Maybe they both have a role in running their family and they're both happy that way.

Loving the way some people are trying as hard as they can to turn this into a benefit bashing thread to suit their own agendas and bitterness.

REALLY? I think there has been very little benefit bashing. Some people have suggested the OP might be better off on benefits. I do wonder, if the OP wasn't on any benefits prior to moving in with her DP recently then how was she surviving.

Darn. I just wrote a humungous thread about how the banks have taken advantage of women's desire to enter the workforce in the 1970s and pay a bigger mortgage per household resulting in them getting rich whatever the cost, and us feeling pressure to send our children into care at four weeks because we can't afford to pay over-inflated housing costs.

Even if we sell our properties at a loss we still have to pay the bank - they never lose out.

But we have sacrificed precious time with our children because we have no option but to pay ridiculous housing costs. Women SAHMs on benefits are heroines for fighting this battle (by not playing the bank's game), they should not be chastised for it.

Duelling go back and read Hopefullys later posts again. There was plenty of insinuation there.

OP, YANBU to want to stay home with your children until they are in school.

YABU to choose to have children with a man who doesn't want this, when you do. YABU to have children with a man who is not interested in supporting them financially without a court order. YABU to have children with a man who is not interested in taking on childcare duties, even when you both will be working full time. YABU to consider to have more children with this man.

I've followed this thread. I think it's a question of both of them being unrealistic rather than unreasonable. We don't know all the inns and outs of their financial situation. Or what commitments, financial and otherwise, the OP's partner has to his other children. And the OP hasn't come back for a while to explain things.

"Duelling go back and read Hopefullys later posts again. There was plenty of insinuation there"

oh so by some people you mean one particular person. I have to agree with hopefully though, surely it IS better that people (not just women) don't have to rely on the state or the taxpayer unless they really have to? Me and my husband could quite easily decide that one of us jacks in our job so we can claim benefits but we don't, we both continue to work and pay for childcare because we both want to remain working. Many SAHMs are able to be SAHMs only because they know they have the state to fall back on.

I absolutely support the welfare state but do think that it should be there to help those genuinely in need. That's not to say the OP isn't in need, her DP sounds like an arse and she (and her children) may well be better off (in many ways beyond financially) if she goes back to living on her own and claiming benefits she is entitled to. What's not clear is how on earth she managed to survive before moving in with her DP.

i agree with some pp in that it is odd to have a child and not agree on the work /sah thing, but if i am reading this right, you have never worked in all the time he has known you, so he is making some big assumptions himself.
stop thinking of more children tell you can both agree on how your family is going to work, he may want the children to go to boarding school for all you know.

yanbu if you told him befor you got pregnant that this was your intention

Agreed Duelling.

I haven't read the whole thread (not usually guilty of this, but at work!) but I think the OP needs to talk to her DP.

After I had dd1, I had second thoughts about going back to work after my mat leave, but DH was insistent that he thought I should go back (part-time, in my case) At the time, I remember being angry, and accusing him of wanting money more than family, but he said it was because he didn't want my training being in vain, and that he thought I would regret it if I didn't. I wasn't delighted at the prospect, but went back part-time, and I am now so so glad I did. Going back after a few months on mat leave was scary enough- if I'd taken 5 years out to have my children, I don't think I would have had the same confidence. Now, 8 years later, my youngest is starting school, and I have my own business and am very glad I kept my career chugging along in between spending time with the children.

Obviously that is just my experience, but is it possible the OP's DP doesn't want her to miss out on reaping the benefits of the degree she worked hard to get?

Gosh, this thread has some nastiness on it. Always surprises me how bitter some people seem about this subject; and how conclusions are jumped to without proper reading of the posts/ consideration of all the different and complex aspects to the story. I think the OP has been unfairly treated on this thread.

OP here, back for another bashing...

Yes he does have debts, but not enough to render him poor; though his credit rating is very bad and realistically won't be restored enough to buy a house for many years. He has no aspirations to get a bigger house, if he is promoted in his career (likely) a lot of positions come with a house at a reduced amount of rent so it makes sense to do that rather than buy. For those saying I have no life experience, why do I want to just raise children etc etc; for your information I actually moved out of home at 14 and lived and worked alone until I was 21 and had my first child whereby my husband and I agreed that I would stay home to raise her instead of going to Cambridge. Yes, some people may think that is a stupid decision but faced with gaining a fantastic degree and high earning potential but at the cost of my baby being in childcare for 60 + hours per week, it was a no brainer for me.

I think all the talk of 'you must get a job so you can support yourself if you split' is ridiculous. Why even be in a partnership if your every decision is preceded by the consideration of you splitting up? Yes my marriage ended, but that doesn't mean this relationship will and I think looking at it in that light is incredibly negative.

Bashing? Negative?

You asked for opinions on a public forum, when you do this you invite the different thoughts, opinions and advice of other people.

Some people have gone to great lengths to be supportive to you on here, and have spent some considerable time doing so, too.

You should obviously take the advice you like the sound of, but if you were expecting everyone to agree with you, then I suggest you don't use this board.

If my advice to look out for yourself and your kids offended you, feel free to ignore it.

Good luck OP

Jenrose, you're not married to this guy. He's married to someone else and has dragged his heels for over two years about divorcing her. You tried for a baby before you had even lived together. You have been living together for only a couple of months. He is not sounding as though he is that supportive of this baby.

You're living in cloud cuckoo land if you think this is a normal committed partnership and do nothing to make sure you can support yourself if it all goes wrong. That's not being negative, it's being sensible.

I have been a sahm, a working mum and a lone parent working part time and full time to support my son without much input/help from exh.

Looking back, staying at home was the most stupid decision I have ever taken, as by leaving all the earning responsibility on the hands of my very affluent ex, I crippled my self financially and have not been able to get a well paid job to support DS and I now that his dad is not with us anymore. I had a career before becoming a sahm, but nothing can make up for the huge gap in my CV.

So, I would say YABU, you need to build even a little bit of financial independance in case things go wrong. What if your partner lost his job? You need to be there for those children to, it is not all about baking and the park. My son has long forgotten the baking, parks etc but I'm sure the memories of hardship in these last years will stay with him for years to come.

I just think you're on shaky ground, OP. If it were me, I'd be making my own firm foundations first, before thinking about being a SAHM. Why is being a SAHM so vital in all of this, above and beyond all other issues?

I have only read the first 2 or 3 pages but honestly you both sound like a bad joke! You don't want to work and think he is being unreasonable for not paying your way. He clearly has no idea bow money works which is insane for someone who apparently earns so well.
Also, I work full time, I don't have any family near and Wont have it for a second that my childminder has brought up my daughter. Also - full time is not always 9-5 you know. My child is with her childminder as little as possible, because I was lucky enough to get flexible working hours.
This isn't an option got everyone and you slating them for not bringing up their own children is way out of order