To not want to work?

[jenrose29]

I have a 4.5 year old and a 4 week old. When I fell pregnant with DD1 I gave up a place at Cambridge University to stay home with her, my ex husband supported this and we spent the first three years of her life going to baby groups, the park, walking the dog, baking etc. We loved it :) When ex and I seperated I began a degree with the view of going into teaching when I'm done, I met DP with whom I have a 4 week old and I love him very much. However, though he wants more children, he expects me to work full-time. He earns well and could support us but is eager to have wages from us both coming in. At the moment I take DD1 to and collect her from school everyday, take her to lots of activities, to playdates etc and when baby gets a little older I want to give her the same childhood and attention DD1 had. I simply don't want children that I only see before/after nursery for a couple of hours when it isn't financially necessary to do so. I want the baby and any subsequent children to have the same opportunities/experiences DD1 has. DP wants to try for another baby straight away, which I would too if I could stay home to raise them. Am I being unreasonable?

One thing I'm not clear on - and maybe I am just being really dense! - is if he's paying the rent, and bills - so council tax, electricity, gas, tv licence, water - is he also paying for all food as well? And if so - what do you actually spend your money on? Sorry if you've mentioned it but if you want to be a SAHM, what costs do your incur for the daughter you receive maintenance/child benefit for if your DP is paying for the cost of housing and feeding her?

I probably am being a bit dense, so don't jump on me but apart from clothing, if she doesn't have childcare costs because you're a SAHM, and he's paying the rent and food bill....maybe he's wondering if you should be contributing a little to the shared bills?

I hate this emphasis on the woman's wages paying for childcare - like it's her responsibility alone! - but believe me, when I'm on ML in 15 weeks time, my SMP is going towards the rent! It's not going into my pocket, it's going into our shared family pot because DH and I have mutual responsibilities to keep up rent payments, feed ourselves and our new baby, pay bills and keep up with general life expenses.

When I'm back at work - yes it might just be easier for the childcare costs to come out of one salary but it's just swings and roundabouts! Whoever pays childcare obviously doesn't then also have to contribute to the rent. It just gets added to the overall shared cost of living between us, and that overall cost is allocated between us. It actually makes NO odds who's actually paying physically for what, but more important that the overall monthly payments for living are kept up.

To be a SAHM or a WOHM is entirely up to you but if I were you, I would be very concerned about my future. I don't necessarily hold the same ambitions for my career now that I am pregnant that I did pre-pregnancy, and I do daydream about how lovely it would be to be a SAHM - but only in the short term! A couple of years maximum. I tend to thing very long-term and you have many decades of wondering what the hell to do with yourself. Yes - of course conceptually you could start a career in your 30's - but actually how realistic is that? You haven't even started your chosen career yet - unless I've missed you saying you have! And you're not just talking about staying at home for the next couple of years - you're discussing ANOTHER baby that would keep you home for several years yet, between caring for them all.

It is a shame because it is VERY valid to stay at home and raise you children - but it is a choice, one that will always have a downside. There is an awful lot of merit in forging a career for yourself, and not just financially. Neither man nor woman has it all - the man goes out to work, he doesn't "have it all" either. He misses out on precious time with his children.

If you start a career in your 30s you still have at least 30 years to develop it and earn. You are doing the right thing OP, sadly you've chosen the wrong man to do it with.

OP could start a career in her 30's - doesn't mean it's going to happen, just like that. Could doesn't mean will be able to. There's enough threads on here about the job market, and from those with experience of finding it hard - particularly the one OP would like to go into - to make me think twice about packing in my job for a few years of being a SAHM.

But that's just me :) I'm concerned about the long term, about my prospects as an individual and a parent. Don't get me wrong - like I said, there is so much merit in being a SAHM. But even if we could afford to do that, I would be reticent to do it for longer than a couple of years. How often do we hear about women having made themselves unemployable by being out of the job market for 5+ years? I'd never even heard of that until I came on here and read women discussing it.

OP has yet to start her career, and is contemplating not starting it for several more years. Maybe she will get lucky, and I hope she does - because I'm not necessarily slating her desires to want to be at home with her children. But I am questioning if it's the most realistic, the most sensible decision?

OP, you did have a lot of support for the initial situation you had outlined. ie That your DP refused to support you or his child though he was in the position to do so.

You were then absent from the thread and quite frankly I wondered if you were just stirring up just another SAHM v WOHM thread. You´ve been looking in on this thread as an outsider, not as the woman at the heart of it.

I think you have deliberately withheld information that is critical to make any assessment of your situation. Your DP, who has made it cristal clear does not want to support you or your child(ren) is responsible for his wife and their family. You have known him for only a very short period of time (according to another poster, not info provided by you...?) and you now disclose he is also in debt. You really shouldn´t be surprised he can´t support a second family when he is already in debt from his time living with his first wife and their children.

I´m sorry to be harsh but you have your head in the clouds. You would be a fool if you didn´t fast track down the career path and a bigger fool to have yet another baby with a man who also seems to have an unhealthy disregard for reality and may even just decide to go back to his wife!

You need to consider the harsh reality of the situation you are in because as Pedigree outlines above, the decisions you make now will determine whether you have a career and freedom to make choices or if reliance on a man or low paid work will be your lot in the future.

You may both be in love at the moment but your situation is not sustainable.

So finally, I do believe you are 100 % being unreasonable. Use you head, not your heart. Please.

Ah, you're the woman pregnant by the man who won't get divorced and who is still financially entangled with his first family in a way he will not offer you.

In that case my advice is an even more emphatic plea that you don't make yourself in any way financially dependent on this man.

You can't really call what you have a "partnership" and you really should be making plans for yourself and your children that don't include this semi-committed man.

She will still have 30 years to find a job, she will be fine. It's her choice anyway.

Wow the plot thickens- are you really that desperate? A married man who wont get divorced and has no intention of providing for you? Your self esteem must be at rock bottom to want this shit out of life.

If what Kuros says is true, Op you need to look reality in the eye and face the fact that right now you are a single parent. Get out of this man's property and continue your life as you wish to. Contact Gingerbread for advice on how you can do this. There is plenty of support out there for you. You can still love each other, but you need to find your own way.

It's clear this goes way deeper than just stating at home with the kids. You must look at tge whole picture

"Yes he does have debts, but not enough to render him poor; though his credit rating is very bad and realistically won't be restored enough to buy a house for many years. "

Have you seen figures as otherwise how can you assume he's still o.k.? I would imagine money is a major issue for him so not having you working would be an huge issue.

Your not married and if the poster above are right about your DP being married puts you in a really weak position.

Whether you work or not is up to you but looking for support from your DP is not a wise move. You'd be better of thinking and planning like a lone parent.

You do know that if you do work and put you youngest in childcare - they will still do fine. I'm wondering if this is worry and guilty about not being able to offer your latest DC the same start in life that you could your first.

WTF, he's actually married to someone else? And already has a family with her? And in debt? And doesn't want to support you financially? And you want to be a SAHM and have more babies with him? Seriously, don't do this!

I disagree that you shouldn't make decisions based on what would happen if you split up. It's not a nice thing to think about (nor is your partner/spouse dying, or becoming ill or disabled) but these things do happen and it's worth having something of a backup plan, however vague.

Especially in a situation like yours! It sounds more like an affair than a partnership, and you have absolutely no security here. You need to be able to provide for yourself.

For those saying it sounds like an affair/he might go back to his ex/we haven't been together for very long etc...we've been together for almost 3 years. For the comments about what if I can't find a job once all of the kids are at school - realistically I could find it just as hard to find a job in a couple of years when I finish my degree. At least if I put all of my energies into being a SAHM until they're at school they get the best of me and then when I do find a job it'll be more financially worthwhile as we won't have childcare costs to factor in other than before/after school.

how were you surviving financially before you moved in with your DP, OP?

You can want to be a SAHM all you want - if he won't support you or can't afford to financially then you have to look what choices you do have.

Obviously you can try and change his mind about your future plans - he may change his or he may not and he may not be able to afford to offer you what you want. Either way its him you need to talk to.

When I was working full-time before DD1 was born I saved up as I was planning on going to Cambridge University which is very expensive to do/a very expensive place to live.

Frankly... You ate in a very vulnerable position there.i wouldn' consider the thought of beating babies or becoming financially dependant on a man who is still married to another woman.

Are, not ate..,

Neither would I.

Oh Jen, you´re not seeing clearly.

I think the posters stating you should see yourself as a single parent with a romantic interest are spot on. Your DP has a wife and other family to pay for along with outstanding debts. He has made it very very clear he does not want to pay for a second family and does not want to support you personally. YABU to expect the right to remain a SAHM in these circumstances.

This is actually in your best interests. You need to get out there and support yourself as quickly as possible.

Being a SAHM is a luxury not a right. You do the best you can by each child you have according to the circumstances in which you are then living. You can not treat DC2 in the same way as you did DD1. This is impossible. Even if you had remained married and as a SAHM the second child´s experience of the world is different. Don´t try and replicate a situation that has has past.

You may have been together 3 years but where is the rest of the commitment?

Jen i've been very supportive up thread but I must say I couldn't agree more with kuros now. Why didn't you give us all the facts earlier on? The fact that he has another family makes a huge difference here.
I don't understand why you need to have children NOW. You're only 26! Why can you not develop your career, make yourself independent financially (it sounds like you have good qualifications if you were offered a place at Cambridge) and THEN have children. If you were in your mid thirties I would understand the need to rush but as it is you're just doing things the other way round IMO.
It's a bit late to give now because you already have two children. Just dont make it any worse, please?

Can I just add that the HUGE problem you have with doing things the other way round (having children, being a SAHM and starting work only when they're a school so that it's more financially viable) is the fact that you have chosen the WRONG man to carry out this plan. You need someone who earns enough to support a family with 2 or 3 children and who is committed to doing so. Someone earning 40k a year with debts and another family to support is NOT the right man. Regardless of how committed or decent a man he is, he's just not in a position to do what you want him to do.
Can you not see that?

I'm a bit lost on this thread now, but I have changed my opinion and I now think YABU.
If your DP is still married to another woman supports her and their children but not you and yours then you have to look after yourself and being a SAHM is not an option for you at the moment.

I absolutely understand your wanting to have children in your 20s, I did it myself but I made sure I was qualified in my chosen profession first even if I didn't make much of a start on my career. My qualification is there and I have contacts so that hopefully if I did find myself needing to work before I plan to return I could find something.

Your DD is 4.5, you were a SAHM for 3 years and you've been with your DP for 3 years, so you were a SAHM for the first 1.5 years of your relationship. Who was paying for you to do this? Surely you can't have had enough savings to pay for this and continue to pay for all your current living costs. Tell us what's really going on!

I agree this is not about the merits of SAHM vs employment, or career first vs babies first. There's nothing at all wrong with being a SAHM, but you need to be sensible about it. If you were married and/or had a house in joint names, had joint family finances, and were both committed to making the SAHM situation work, then I'd say go for it if it's what you want.

But you are very clearly not in that situation. In fact he already has a wife and a family to support - and it's not you/your children! You'd be better off getting qualifications and a job to provide for your children rather than using up your savings trying to live a fantasy life.

Jen, any mn er who searches for your nickname, can see really sad posts.

the hope you feel of a better future, looks like denial to me.

anyone deserves better than at one point to be worried about giving birth alone, then wondering how quickly they can have sex after birth. Which point in this is he caring for you?