To think nephew needs to shape up before starting school

[TaytoCrisp]

DN (4) is starting school in September. We recently spent a few days on hols with dsis and family, and during that time I begun to find him incredibly annoying, and began to wonder whether he will find adjusting to school difficult -I'm not convinced he will make friends easily. I found him annoying because:

• he constantly seeks attention and will break up games or steal pieces when other (smaller) children are playing if he is not involved.
• he is extremely lazy and when he is not running or shouting he is veg-ing on the sofa or watching a DVD. He will sit in a buggy while his mum goes shopping, though he looks huge in it as he is tall for his age!
• he will not sit with any activity for more than 5 mins (except tv). This is very exhausting for his mum.
• he never seems to build or create anything (Lego, role play, jigsaw) unless his mum is actively encouraging (begging him), he prefers to break anything other (smaller) children are playing with.
• he seems to find it difficult to understand the rules of games (even games for 2 to 4) year olds, or maybe he is just closing not to play along - I'm not entirely sure.
• dsis has recounted three occasions in the last few weeks where his little "friends" decided they did not want to play with him anymore because - he won't play along or calls them names repeatedly and laughs at them.
• he has hit me (his aunt), only gently though, and tries to annoy me by saying he doesn't like our silly car etc.

I guess this is not really my problem or business but, I do wonder if this is typical behaviour for some 4 year old boys; or whether he needs to somehow learn to start sharing experiences and playing with children his own age (he adores his little sis and they play well together). My sister is aware that his behaviour is exhausting but says "that's the difference between boys and girls" which I don't quiet believe. Also, I just felt tension with him around, which I know is terrible as he is only 4, but I would hope he will start to chill out a bit and become a more enjoyable person to be around. Have to say he can be very affectionate, esp With his mum and little sis.

Aibu to feel annoyed by him? And to feel he needs to shape up and start getting on with pals his own age?

I think the OP needs to shape up

So to simplify

1. Sounds like school is exactly what he's ready for.
2. Other peoples dc are annoying.
3. Be happy it's not your problem.

Lol at 'shaping up' I'm imagining a group of 4 yr old boys all running in unison singing along with a bellowing army sergeant 'I don't know but I've been told..I'm annoying and rude and I'm 4 yrs old!'

My first dc was a boy, this wasn't typical at all of his behaviour at 4, he wasn't a saint, but he didn't display these 'typical' traits. I have another ds 5 years younger and it's not typical of him either. My close friend has 5 boys and my sis has 2 boys and it wasn't typical behaviour of them at 4 either. This is only my experience, dcs are obviously different, some elements of what OP describes seem normal/typical from what I see of other children so if you look across the board it will be common. My dd3 is 5 and has two lovely boys who have been close friends through play school and nursery, now in reception together. They don't behave like this either, but there are about four or five boys in her class who do, my dd is sweet and gentle, they push her around and upset her, she doesn't like them, I find it annoying, but I expect them to mature and improve as time goes on. Your dn can't realistically shape up before school, school should help him learn to socialise and behave better as he outgrows some of this behaviour and matures. I don't think you can judge this behaviour at 4.

I'm rambling really, saying it's not my personal experience but I see it and accept it as normal, the same way as none of my 5 dcs had tantrums, being either generally placid or easy to divert and coax if something not right, I wouldn't put this smugly down to the superior behaviour of my dcs or my parenting style, as I see tantrums as normal over the broader range of behaviour.

Joanna, I'm not going to be able to get that song out of my head now

Sorry

My experience is that yes this is typical behaviour of about 30% of the boys in my DS's class. However, even of you don't witness these kind of personality traits in your sons or nephews or friends's sons, there will be another personality trait that people will find annoying about these children. Maybe they are a bit arrogant, whiners, always asking questions, a bit sensitive, strange habits. The point is nobody is perfect!

I'm going to say I dont think you are being totally unreasonable - he does sound annoying. It sounds ,though , as if your sister just lets him get away with it? Perhaps he needs consequences when his behaviour is over the top? Maybe school is what he needs, where there are rules to abide by? (I have two boys, but they were not allowed to get away with this type of behaviour at that age. They are 12 and 19 now).

DS was a handful when he was 4yo. Still isn't great TBH.

His little sister is far far worse than he was. Girls can be a nightmare too.

Funnily enough my sister tried to give me parenting advice this week while idly flicking through a newspaper after having done her monthly 'helping out at bedtime session'. Somehow I didn't hurl anything at her .

Joanna, its a really funny though

Joannas post gave me images of Arnie in Kindergaton Cop.

Boys are like this and he will feel your emotion around him sounds like he is craving attention and only getting negative attention.

I have a 4 yr old boy and have just spent the weekend with my sil- I was a bit worried that you are her OP!!

Yes ds2 is annoying, he is loud, jumpy, has trouble sharing and likes things to go his way- he visits the naughty step and this can be a pain to others- i know this- but he is also funny, cuddly, sweet, adorable and the first to give wonderful hugs- Im hoping school will- 'shape him up' but not so much that he loses his other adorable ways!!

My sons just turned 5 but I can remember last year.

At 4 he wasn't being put in a pushchair, despite us not driving. He was taken out a lot this time of year to the park and outside and kept active generally. He ran his energy of and then could sit down with me and younger sibling and do stuff.

OP he may be easier when hes been a pre-school anyway rather than on holiday away from routine and not being provided with a lot of playmates and activities.

Maybe avoid family holidays till he is older and see family for shorter periods and maybe see sister on her own?

I have the experience of having unsolicited advice from parents who DC were not very well behaved - you have to ignore, change subject or offer some back or laugh about it later with others so it doesn't upset you.

By way DD at 6-7 are worse - much worse.

I am a parent of boys and I find it a bit offensive that it is suggested that this behaviour is normal for 4 year old BOYS. It is fairly normal behaviour for a young 4 year old full stop.

At the end of the day, some children are less mature in general at 4 that others, girls or boys. I think your sister sounds like she is trying to make excuses by saying its the difference between boys and girls.

I really don't think there is anything she should do at this stage, it usually all comes together once they start school.

Many of my friends have one child of each and between the ages of 4 & 8 they are quite clear on which gender is easier to handle (in general) but I think as a rule it is wrong to make huge generalisations as it varies from child to child!

I have a DS, his behaviour at 4,5&6 was one of the major reasons I did not have an more children when he was little, he was a bloody nightmare. At 15 he is much easier to live with (most of the time). I do now have 2 DD's, (6&3) who, so far, have been in many ways easier to parent. However I have yet to reach the teen years.

I hope OP's DD doesn't give her double crap as a teen to make up for the easy run as a small child. Never judge other people's kids, as your own kids behaviour may just bite you in the ass as the get older.

perhaps you need to focus on the lovely positive things with regard to your little nephew....sounds like you actually dislike him....I guarantee that he is likely to pick up on your constant disapproval of him and actively reject you and it could even be facilitating some of his behaviour when in your company......maybe thats why he slags off your 'silly car' lol

Kids say lots of things....inappropriate at times, repeat phrases you wish they wouldn't, and generally respond to what is happening around them....

I feel for your sister feeling your disapproval and judgey pants too....it must be very difficult to feel she can relax when she knows you disapprove, etc so much....bet she was glad to get home from the holiday and relax!!

your DC is 2yrs....come back in 2 yrs and tell us she's a little angel.....won't happen

Of course generalisations are just that and I hate boys will be boys used as an excuse for tolerating bad behaviour.

However, on average boys are less mature than girls the same age. Given evidence from GCSE results and girls opinions of boyfriends their own age, this difference lasts a long time.

I have a dyslexic less socially mature older DD and she found it really hard to relate to the girls in her peer group and ended up great friends with one of the boys.

The contrast between her and her fantastically socially aware younger sister is ridiculous. Probably greater than the difference between many DS and DDs.

I have 2 girls 2 boys, I must say the boys are a walk in the park compared to the girls, DD1 is 18 so not much hassle now, but DD2 is just 3 and a handful ! I think it's just normal 4 year old behavior and he sounds more than ready for school.

Sounds like he needs a good hiding or two as there is clearly a lack of discipline at homen

Theinets. Is that a joke?

What? because 'a good hiding' is the answer to everything.

tbh the worst behaved children are often from 'smacky' backgrounds.

YABU he sounds a normal 4 year old to me. There will be a lot of others in reception just like your nephew and at 4 or 5 children are just starting to make friends.

I am nit a smug mother to girls, my dd 5 has AS. Yabvvvvvu sounds like a normal kid, your dd is only 2 you have years to go of this

But I was wondering if this is typical for 4 year old boys. Fair enough if it is. I was just asking. In that case it sounds like he will grow out of it at school. Doesn't change the fact that there is a lot of tension when he is repeatedly sent to the naughty step (which effects everyone in the house).

I think the naughty step might be the problem, OP (if you're still here). If there is tension in the house it will add to his difficult behaviour not make it better. Ignoring bad behaviour is a good strategy but it can sometimes feel like rejection and that may be what's happening here.

He may be displaying attention seeking behaviour because he feels pushed out by little sis. It's nothing spectacularly new, but there are strategies that his mum can take and you too, if you want to help.

A therapist would probably suggest teaching turn-taking as a priority. This is simple as throw and catch a ball. Can you help with things like this? He needs to learn that life is not a competition. He's not a bad boy, as you said, he's affectionate to his sister and his Mum - he's just feeling rejected. My opinion, I'm not an expert.

this sounds very typical
and if my sister wrote the same as you I would be devastated