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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think nephew needs to shape up before starting school

116 replies

TaytoCrisp · 01/07/2012 09:37

DN (4) is starting school in September. We recently spent a few days on hols with dsis and family, and during that time I begun to find him incredibly annoying, and began to wonder whether he will find adjusting to school difficult -I'm not convinced he will make friends easily. I found him annoying because:

  • he constantly seeks attention and will break up games or steal pieces when other (smaller) children are playing if he is not involved.
  • he is extremely lazy and when he is not running or shouting he is veg-ing on the sofa or watching a DVD. He will sit in a buggy while his mum goes shopping, though he looks huge in it as he is tall for his age!
  • he will not sit with any activity for more than 5 mins (except tv). This is very exhausting for his mum.
  • he never seems to build or create anything (Lego, role play, jigsaw) unless his mum is actively encouraging (begging him), he prefers to break anything other (smaller) children are playing with.
  • he seems to find it difficult to understand the rules of games (even games for 2 to 4) year olds, or maybe he is just closing not to play along - I'm not entirely sure.
  • dsis has recounted three occasions in the last few weeks where his little "friends" decided they did not want to play with him anymore because - he won't play along or calls them names repeatedly and laughs at them.
  • he has hit me (his aunt), only gently though, and tries to annoy me by saying he doesn't like our silly car etc.

I guess this is not really my problem or business but, I do wonder if this is typical behaviour for some 4 year old boys; or whether he needs to somehow learn to start sharing experiences and playing with children his own age (he adores his little sis and they play well together). My sister is aware that his behaviour is exhausting but says "that's the difference between boys and girls" which I don't quiet believe. Also, I just felt tension with him around, which I know is terrible as he is only 4, but I would hope he will start to chill out a bit and become a more enjoyable person to be around. Have to say he can be very affectionate, esp With his mum and little sis.

Aibu to feel annoyed by him? And to feel he needs to shape up and start getting on with pals his own age?

OP posts:
BoffinMum · 01/07/2012 10:13

Minnie, does that happen at exactly four? I ask because my 3-year-old is being quite tantrummy at the moment and I would like to be able to blame something physiological. Grin

tryingtonotfeckup · 01/07/2012 10:14

Before you are roasted alive, I've been a similar position, I found my DN very hard going, he is hard work, by DB would agree. I think a lot of what you are describing is normal, kids fall out all the time at that age, generally over really small things that are forgotten about 5 mins later.

However, I think you should try to shift your thinking about your DN, keep seeing the positive things about him, his very affectionate, loves his little sister, is energetic etc Have you tried to play with him? Try it, have some fun with him, get to know him better and give him a chance rather than being judgey about his behaviour the whole time.

Its your sister that you are annoyed with, remember that, your DN is only 4.

NoComet · 01/07/2012 10:15

Grin I was right the OP does have a DD

Xpost as the worlds slowest typistBlush

thebackson12 · 01/07/2012 10:16

I can understand the whole 'they are judgmental so therefore I am'

as much as its not good.

someone has just had a child who was very critical of my ds in his little bugger (1-3yrs) stage, he has SN as well.

And as horrible sounds when the child is being restless I do think 'come on then parents of the year shut that irritating child up' and I know that's awful.

I think perhaps that's more you're problem here OP, I find it impossible to warm to the child because of they way the parents behaved which is sad. but human.

latterlov3r · 01/07/2012 10:16

Thelightpassenger - thank you i have recently started posting on the SN board and found it very helpful and very welcoming, we now know my ds has sensory issues which explains alot but we suspect maybe something else is going on, i just know what it feels like to think a child is annoying and different and how truly exhausting it is for the parents

PooPooInMyToes · 01/07/2012 10:16

Hmm, my 3.7 year old is acting weird lately. All i ever seem to say is "calm down!"

Mrsjay · 01/07/2012 10:16

4 yr old girls can just be as irritating but in a different way I would watch your sister when your dd gets to 4

PooPooInMyToes · 01/07/2012 10:19

Yeah my dd when 4 would question everything, argue about everything and thought she owned and controlled the world.

Just as annoying.

MinnieBar · 01/07/2012 10:20

I think it varies Boffin - I remember a FB friend posting a link about it and after reading it I had a lightbulb 'NOW it all makes sense!' kind of moment.

Apparently it levels off around age five and then increases again 800% at puberty so, er, not long to go?

ll31 · 01/07/2012 10:21

You sound a joy to be with tbh - having just read op Ihave an image of you sitting there on holidays ready to be annoyed - are you sure it's not you whose creating the bad atmosphere and not your nephew who sounds like he's just being a typical 4 year old?

dottyspotty2 · 01/07/2012 10:21

Op you say he can't sit more than 5 minutes they reckon for every year of a small childs life they can concentrate for 1 minute so he's normally behaved. IMO kids shouldn't be going to school at 4 anyway their little more than babies.

ll31 · 01/07/2012 10:23

And you've made me even more thankful than I am usually for my sisters!

notactuallyme · 01/07/2012 10:24

Hmm, I do think mummies of girls generally don't like little boys much. And that they tend to think their fantastic parenting and not gender has contributed to their dc's exemplary behaviour. Thank god my best friend had two boys. [Grin]

akaemmafrost · 01/07/2012 10:25

I think this is a joke yes? No one could be such a nit wit really could they?

rainydaysarebad · 01/07/2012 10:28

Blush That sounds like my 4 year old DD on a bad day! YABU. Children can't "shape up"! You're not a very nice Aunt.

BoffinMum · 01/07/2012 10:28

Well, I have one boy bang in the middle of puberty, one about to start puberty, and one having his early testosterone surge, and frankly it's a bit crowded around here. I had to get my mum over at the weekend for female solidarity, and I have arranged to visit a friend on my own for a few days in the summer to get away from all the high drama.

BoffinMum · 01/07/2012 10:29

I think the OP should take him out once a week to give his mum and break and to be able to see the good side of her dn. No child is all bad or all annoying - every single one has redeeming features if you take the trouble to look.

Mrsjay · 01/07/2012 10:30

I liked little boys my DDs preferred playing with boys so i was used to them being around,

HecateHarshPants · 01/07/2012 10:31

Guys, I don't think the OP is going to be back.

Grab a brush everyone, there's a pile of hot ash to be swept up...

poor OP. Grin

I think she gets it that she's being unreasonable.

RabbitsMakeBrownEggs · 01/07/2012 10:33

My DD is four and far worse in behaviour than the little boy you describe, and they seem to think that starting school is about helping her to refine her behaviour and start learning, so I don't think they need to do any real shaping up before school, other than learning some basic facts of life and how to conduct herself in different situations. I'd be gutted at a sister talking about her niece this way btw.

Rindercella · 01/07/2012 10:49

Oh God, I feel like an absolute failure now...as a 'mummy of girls', how the fuck do I explain DD1's behaviour?! I have nothing to be SMUG about Hmm Grin

The vast majority of children have their moments, play up, are naughty, scream, shout, fidget, generally misbehave. Just like grown ups do sometimes too (read threads on here for appalling behaviour by adults). Most of it falls into the boundaries of 'normal'.

BM offers some great advice in her post of 10.29. Go for it OP and get to know your DN a little better.

BertieBotts · 01/07/2012 10:55

See Rinder you're proof it has fuck all to do with gender Grin

Testosterone surges excepted, obviously. Mine seems to be having his at the moment. Odd as it was much more pronounced when DP was here, now he's gone away for work DS is much calmer, or at least, he has the rages/hyperactivity but I can actually deal with them and (eventually) get through to him.

Sparks1 · 01/07/2012 10:57

Sounds like a right little charmer. Though to be fair you aren't with him "full time" and at that age kids can play up.

As for school, if he's really that bad he'll be found out. There was a horrible little child when DD started in reception. Within weeks she was ostracised by her peers and quickly learnt to adjust her behaviour.

Goldenbear · 01/07/2012 11:00

I think he will be fine at school - my DS could concentrate on activities for a very long time, prior to starting school. Now he can only concentrate on activities that are new to him for about 10 mins, reflecting the time they spend on 'inputs' AKA lessons, at school!

CuppaTeaJanice · 01/07/2012 11:16

I hope people reading this don't think that all 4 year old boys are like this! DS is 4, so I spend a lot of time with 4 year old boys and girls. They all have their annoying moments, lots of whining mainly, a bit of toddler politics about taking turns in games, and a fair amount of not listening, but what stands out about the OP's DN is the pleasure he gets from hurting other children. I've only noticed this in one of DS's friends, and unsurprisingly all the other children have at some point or other been unwilling to play with this child.

I think a lot of it stems from introversion, being overwhelmed by social situations and lashing out inappropriately. It might be a problem at school at first but I think generally schools are equipped to deal with antisocial behaviour, and the DN may well behave better when not in his family setting.