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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To sell gifts?

100 replies

Spuddybean · 01/07/2012 07:54

Not really sure about this one as i feel funny about the whole situation, and am also really hormonal at 32wks pg.

(Some may remember my previous posts). Pils don't speak to or acknowledge me. But they have been buying up loads of second hand stuff for the baby. Small things i will accept (the odd outfit) but big things like the prams/cots etc I just can't bring myself to, as a) they aren't my choice and i know what i want/need, and b) i would feel wrong about using gifts from people who have been so unpleasant.

Anyway, I don't want to make the rift worse, so think a compromise would be to accept the gifts and say, 'thank you, but they aren't what we have chosen, so we will sell them and put the money towards what we actually want'.

When i say 'we' i really mean 'I' because DP doesn't give a shit what we have!

BUT, part of me thinks it's rude and grabby to accept gifts and sell them. And the Pils aren't very rational so this may be more of an insult in their eyes. DP is all for accepting them but when i said i didn't want to, his next suggestion is charity shop/tip. But that feels ruder and more wasteful to me.

So genuinely - wwyd? (and yes i know most of you will say leave the bastard, but what i mean is specifically in answer to whether it would be rude to sell or give away the gifts?)

OP posts:
JeezyPeeps · 01/07/2012 08:00

If you don't want them, then don't accept them.

Tell them that you have already ordered the items, but maybe they could keep them for when they have baby (if they are likely to).

Telling them you are buying it to sell is rude and grabby and not going to help the relationship.

AmberNectarine · 01/07/2012 08:02

Hmmm, tricky. I am another with a MIL who just buys stuff regardless of whether it is wanted/needed. I'm afraid I take the path of least resistance and graciously accept then charity shop the stuff that we don't need/like (most of it). I do feel bad about it, but she just buys random things we don't need, which aren't to our taste, so I offset the guilt by donating.

If the items you receive are of value I can see no harm in selling and putting the proceeds to good use. That way they have 'contributed'. Not sure I'd have to balls to be as upfront about it as you suggest though!

Good luck with the remainder of your pg!

SittingBull · 01/07/2012 08:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Spuddybean · 01/07/2012 08:12

But it isn't me who will accept them (they don't speak to me so they will give them to DP when he visits). DP has said in no uncertain terms that he is going to accept them.

So i either use them or bin them/charity shop them/sell them. I am just torn as if we ever do reconcile i wont lie and they will notice our pram etc is not what they gave us.

So would they prefer i said we gave it away or that we sold it so they still contributed in some way?

We aren't 'buying it to sell' Jeezy, sorry if i gave that impression. They have just gone out and bought shit loads of stuff without any consultation and email DP saying 'tell Spuddy we have bought x so tell her and her parents not to buy it' (HA! as if my parents would - but that's another thread!).

When i look at the list it feels as tho it is pretty much everything and more - so i wonder what input they think i am going to be having.

OP posts:
Icelollycraving · 01/07/2012 08:12

If you don't want them,don't accept them. You should tell them though that you have ordered things that you've researched to be the best for the money etc. Perhaps accept a few smaller things that you could pop in the drawer.
If you have a rift,maybe them buying these things is their way of trying to make amends. Be prepared for the fallout. I really think selling them would be very rude.

JeezyPeeps · 01/07/2012 08:17

Prime up your partner in that case to refuse the things you really don't want as they are on order.

If they aren't being given to you, then surely it's not up to you what happens to them...

JeezyPeeps · 01/07/2012 08:20

That didn't come over as I meant it.

I mean, if puls notice they've gone, and your dp says 'spuddybean sold them' you are bein left open to more vitriol. Leave it to your dp to decide then you can't get the blame.

Original poster
Spuddybean · 01/07/2012 08:22

Damn! I woke up thinking that may be the solution. I know from the type of people they are that they are obsessed with money and a bargain. So think they would not just be offended but cross if they find out we gave the stuff away or binned it.

I think they may actually find solace in that DP made some money out of it rather than 'waste' it.

However, it does feel weird the thought of selling stuff given to me.

And for the record (x posted with 2 of you) I cannot decline them. They are given to DP and that is that. I cannot speak to Pils so cannot politely tell them anything. I am just worried when they find out we gave it away they will be livid and there will be no chance to reconcile.

I am so sad about this. I spent yesterday crying.

OP posts:
Squiglettsmummy2bx · 01/07/2012 08:26

They don't like you anyway & are rude & nasty to you so I would be inclined to think sod it & sell the stuff to put the money towards what you really want. If their intention is to provide for your baby then they have done in a round about way & if their intention is to spoil your enjoyment of buying your babies things then you have nipped that in the bud. If your dh is going to accept the stuff then you have to do something with it so why not?

Original poster
Spuddybean · 01/07/2012 08:27

jeezy he wont decline it, as he says they have already bought it so he wont say no.

If they had been normal and said 'we've seen a secondhand x for £100 shall we get it?' then i could have said 'no thanks, that x is too x for me, but we have seen an x we really do want so if you want to give us something towards it then we would be most grateful, and thank you for thinking of us etc'

Aaaarrrrggh!

OP posts:
Bunbaker · 01/07/2012 08:28

Are these items that dreadful? Could you use them for a short while and then tell the PIL that the pram broke and the cot doesn't meet current safety standards?

Why can't your partner stand up to his parents and say the thought was very kind but that the gifts aren't what you want or need?

dolallylass · 01/07/2012 08:35

They don't speak to you? I take it you have done something suitably heinous like murdered another family member?

Project this forward. Are you going to be getting emails through DP saying he can drop the baby off from Fri til Sunday? He/she should go to this school? Should eat this food? My XH and I had a similar 'situation' hence the X. I wish I stood my ground sooner.

Start driving this your way. Apologies IABU answering the wrong question. You must do what you want with the gifts. Keep it, sell it, donate it. But stand your ground and don't let their gifts/influence eat at you.

Tbh if they they didn't speak to me then gave me a gift I'd tell them to sick it up theirs ***!Angry

(see what will happen! I used to be nice like you!)Confused

Original poster
Spuddybean · 01/07/2012 08:35

bunbaker it is not just the items per se, i am sure they are perfectly functionable, but they aren't what i want and also i don't want everything in our house to be from them/their choice. These people have been very rude and insulting to me and i would feel funny every time i looked that the pram knowing it was theirs iyswim.

I know it sounds odd - but this is our 1st baby and i really want the excitement of choosing the stuff ourselves.

And long story with partner, he just wont. So that is not an option. :( (oh if only it was that simple)

OP posts:
Original poster
Spuddybean · 01/07/2012 08:40

dolally no i did nothing heinous. They have over the years barred everyone from their home apart for DP (including 2 children DP has never really met). They don't leave their house so they wouldn't come to see our children and they live miles away so no real fear of any actual involvement - apart from just buying lots and lots of stuff (a form of compensation in their mind to DP i suppose - it doesn't matter how awful we are here's some chod from the car boot sale)

OP posts:
Nospringflower · 01/07/2012 08:42

What about selling the stuff but putting the money into an account for the baby?

Bunbaker · 01/07/2012 08:42

Perhaps you can use this to your advantage and try to build a relationship with them. Accept the gifts with a smile and say thank you. Does it really matter that not everything your baby has is new? The baby isn't going to notice.

I was given second hand stuff and it didn't matter to me that it wasn't new. I was just grateful at all the money I had saved. Maybe it is the ILs way of trying to build bridges. After all it is their grandchild you are carrying. Is there no way that you can resolve this stand off with the ILs?

What does your partner say about you selling the stuff and buying new?

MinnieBar · 01/07/2012 08:42

Spuddy you need to link to one of your previous threads so others can see what your ILs are really like. One of the reasons they think you are an awful person is because you didn't pay their Xmas tree enough respect, yes? So normal rules of behaviour don't apply here?!

Bunbaker · 01/07/2012 08:43

Cross posted. If the ILs aren't going to visit you then they won't know that you don't have their gifts. Just sell them and buy what you like.

Original poster
Spuddybean · 01/07/2012 08:49

Haha minnie erm yes that is them. I didn't post it all initially as i kind of thought my question was more about how i behave, regardless of how they do. It's hard to explain but, it is me i have to live with and although their behaviour is odd (to say the least) i do not want to treat them differently to how i would treat others.

and i have absolutely no idea how to do a link

OP posts:
MangoHedgehog · 01/07/2012 08:50

When I read your OP I first thought that your DH was being unfair putting you in a difficult position, and he should take them to task and refuse to accept. It is terribly presumptuous buying lots of baby stuff without consulting the baby's parents.

However on reflection, your ILs sound like utter freaks and impossible to do right by! so I would be inclined to sell the stuff. If they are as reclusive as you say then it's quite likely they will never find out. And if they do, things could hardly be any worse between you anyway. But I do still think it's a shame your DH can't back you up on this one.

MrsKwazii · 01/07/2012 08:51

They sound very controlling. I know what it's like to want to choose and buy things for your baby yourself, especially with your first.

Your DP says he's going to accept them, doesn't mean you have to use them. Does he understand why you feel like you do on this? And why isn't he standing his and your ground?

DontmindifIdo · 01/07/2012 08:55

i've read your other threads about this issue, you should not feel you have to accept it at all - I understand how you feel.

If they are e-mailing DP, could you get access to their e-mail address? Send them a message CCing DP saying "Dear PIL, I know we haven't been in touch for a while but I hear via DP that you have bought a number of things for the baby. While I am grateful, I have already ordered everything we need, and can't cancel the order. If you had told me you were planning on buying items, then I would have made sure I didn't do this. Do let DP know what you would like us to do, I'm happy to sell these and put the money towards the bill for the baby things we have ordered, or if you would prefer to deal with them yourself that's fine. Kind regards Spuddy."

Really, if they don't talk to you, then it's only DP who will have to deal with this, because at the moment he's not dealing with the problem, he's just passing it to you to deal with. He should be standing up to them and saying "I don't think it's fair to expect Spuddy to accept these things when you won't even talk to her." He's chosing the easy option. He should be putting you first.

I wouldn't accept stuff from someone who refused to even talk to me, it's not an olive branch, it's a way of remotely controlling.

BTW - did I remember rightly, are you planning on emigrating soon after the baby is born?

JeezyPeeps · 01/07/2012 08:56

Ah, well, the additional info sheds a new light.

I have changed my mind. Feel free to sell and use the money however it would be most useful.

BoffinMum · 01/07/2012 08:57

If you don't see them, then I would think selling them and banking the money for the baby would be a reasonable course of action. Or giving them to someone who needs them more, for example Women's Aid or whatever.

tabulahrasa · 01/07/2012 09:00

Until the Christmas tree post, I was thinking, hmm, you can't just sell them, maybe you could send the stuff back somehow or sell it and post the money...

Now I'm going, Hmm and thinking they're clearly barking, do do what you want.

How do you show respect to a Christmas tree?