To sell gifts?

[Spuddybean]

Not really sure about this one as i feel funny about the whole situation, and am also really hormonal at 32wks pg.

(Some may remember my previous posts). Pils don't speak to or acknowledge me. But they have been buying up loads of second hand stuff for the baby. Small things i will accept (the odd outfit) but big things like the prams/cots etc I just can't bring myself to, as a) they aren't my choice and i know what i want/need, and b) i would feel wrong about using gifts from people who have been so unpleasant.

Anyway, I don't want to make the rift worse, so think a compromise would be to accept the gifts and say, 'thank you, but they aren't what we have chosen, so we will sell them and put the money towards what we actually want'.

When i say 'we' i really mean 'I' because DP doesn't give a shit what we have!

BUT, part of me thinks it's rude and grabby to accept gifts and sell them. And the Pils aren't very rational so this may be more of an insult in their eyes. DP is all for accepting them but when i said i didn't want to, his next suggestion is charity shop/tip. But that feels ruder and more wasteful to me.

So genuinely - wwyd? (and yes i know most of you will say leave the bastard, but what i mean is specifically in answer to whether it would be rude to sell or give away the gifts?)

Spuddy I understand your problem.

I haven't spoken to my PILs at all in well over a year and our relationship was strained and broken for a long, long time before that.

The last things MIL ever said to me was that I would do as she told me to do, that they wished DH had never met me and that I was a bitch. Then she dared me to report them to the police for harassing me and put the phone down on me.

Yet she still sends me cards for my birthday and a present at Christmas. I have no idea why, I've asked them not to send me anything at all, not letters, not text messages, not to make phone calls, not to send me any cards or any gifts because I don't want them. Yet I hate the feeling of being rude for not acknowledging the things they do send. They have no respect for me, they have made that clear by ignoring my feelings in favour of their own and until I took this stand of not seeing them they didn't believe it would ever come to this and thought they could continue to behave as badly as they liked without consequence. They have told DH they love me and want to make things right but they have then told the rest of the family that they blame me for everything and will never forgive me. So why send me a gift?

This year I donated the money they sent me for Christmas (£10) to a charity supporting parents who have just lost a baby and gave the toiletry set that came with it to the local charity shop.

It seemed fitting, as our big rift happened when she said some very offensive things about our premature daughter, who died shortly after her birth. I want nothing from a woman who can be so nasty about her own grandchild. Even if she hates me, that baby was not just mine but DH's, her sons child and her first granddaughter.

Your DH needs to support you and I agree with the posters who say if he won't tell them not to just buy things you don't want or need then he needs to find a way to dispose of them before you even see them. But what would happen if you contacted them and told them outright that if you don't want the things they send or don't like them you will sell them and buy something you do want, need and like instead?

I just wondered if they will want to see the baby and have a relationship with it? Especially since the two of you (you and baby) really come as a package in the early days!

I know it sounds odd - but this is our 1st baby and i really want the excitement of choosing the stuff ourselves.

It doesn't sound remotely odd. It is an exciting time and 100% normal of you to want to choose all the stuff for you 1st baby. What is odd is your PiL thinking they should choose the baby equipment - especially if they don't even speak to you. Normal GPs would just buy some little outfits and suchlike - not the major items, unless they were being really generous and paying for what the new parents had chosen.

imperial Mil has 2 children she hasn't spoken to for years whom DP has never really met (can't remember seeing). Which is why he is terrified as he knows she is capable of drastic disowning.

noone thank you for sharing your experience - that sounds horrible. My family (on dads side) are also like this, it appears you can be as nasty as you like but you have to send a gushing birthday card. My sister is toxic but i still get a 'best sister in the world' carde for b-day and xmas. How peculiar. It's like that makes it easier to fool themselves everything is okay.

sugar they live in a fantasy land so they say stuff they know wont happen. they are talking about seeing the baby, but have no intention of visiting or allowing me to visit.

oh and sorry noone if i did that it would cause such a rift between us i don't think we'd recover.

I have done it, OP. If it's a gift it's yours to do with as you please.

I think you're being so reasonable here it's actually working against you. Be a little more U!

It's admirable that you're trying to act honourably, but when you're up against completely irrational behaviour, all bets are off.

Have the ILs ever reconciled with anyone else? From what you say, I doubt it, which makes their reaction if they do find out a moot point.

FWIW, I had a mamas and papas pram, can't remember which one and it was utterly, utterly shit. I even felt guilty re-Freecycling it. If it's come from a charity shop, there's a higher than average chance this one will be the same as most big quality baby equipment is resold these days. And if everything is from charity shops, it's unlikely the resale value will be that much anyway - or that they've spent much themselves.

I remember your previous thread OP. Honestly, they have been so rude to you I'd accept the stuff and if it isn't what you want then dispose of it how you want to. IIRC, they won't communicate with you at all so wont listen when you say you don't need them to buy this stuff but they have bought it anyway.

As for them looking after the baby without you present, I'd tell them where to go, so there would be no need for them to hang on to this stuff!

I feel for you. I also had a MIL like this. Overbearing and nasty. However wen i was expecting my child she used to say 'iv bought this, iv bought that' she had bout 2 suitcases full of clothes and things. Would come in everyday with something new. She wuld say 'iv bought this so u dont need to'. As she had bought so much ex n me didnt see need to buy anything as baby wuld hav too much. Anyway baby came n MIL turns round n says 'wats the child gna wear wen its at urs coz these things are for my house'. Thats the only time i heard my ex standing up to her.

I wuldnt throw it away as thats a waste. Ur DP needs 2 stand up to his mother n resolve the situation.

Okay. I have said to DP that we can sell the bigger items and put it in an account for the baby. He just went quiet and changed the subject. SIGH I know it is traumatic but he seems genuinely irritated that i wont just sweep it under the carpet - that's his family way. Never ever confront anything and pretend it isn't happening.

Actually, show this thread to your DP - it seems he is so used to dealing with his Parents he can't see why you'd not want too.

I think your DP needs to see that you are his priority, he doesn't now, he still feels your feelings and opinions are less important than his parents. If they ban him, it will be their loss, not his. They will then have no one. His 'family' will be you and your DC.

Also, reading this, am I right in thinking your DP has two older siblings he's never met? That' horrible, I would suggest he tries to track them down before you leave the UK, it might be nice for your DC to have cousins.

My DH doesn't like confrontation with his mum. She is ok on the whole but there were some things which pissed me when DS was younger and he did speak to her about it.

Him reading this thread might be a good idea.

dontmind I wouldn't show him this as he would be upset i was discussing it. Also i think it is easy for some of us to say 'their loss' but i think if you had the type of conditioning DP has that is impossible.

Yes he has 2 older half siblings. They are not interested in the 'new family' (don't blame them). One contacted DP a year ago and they met up but neither wanted to pursue a relationship. Mil wasn't happy/was anxious they had been in contact.

Don't tell them you're selling them, just do it.

People get so precious about stuff like this, but I have no idea why. Put the money aside and buy stuff you want for the baby.

really imiss ? So if your Pils gave you a pram they wouldn't mind/you would feel no compunction about you just selling it? Would you tell them? I'm really interested. I think i would be a bit funny if someone did that tbh.

Yes it would be strange in a "normal" situation. So if I did have pils who bought me unwanted things I would nip it in the bud and explain that I really appreciated what they were trying to do but I wanted to choose my own things. Maybe even go shopping with them.

You don't have this option, you don't speak to them, they aren't very nice to you therefore I would have no qualms at all about selling these things. I don't really understand why you would.

Does noone else think that the DP should be putting his immediate family unit first???

There is no way on gods green that DH would accept a situation where he had a relationship with parents who refuse to acknowledge his wife, oils weren't happy about us at first and he cut contact until they came to accept it (difference in religion/culture).

You and he need to think what affect this will have when your child is aware, so it goes and visits but mummy isn't to darken their doorstep wtf? No sorry the problem is bigger than stuff bring bought your DP needs to grow a pair and demand that you all have a relationship and until that point they won't be seeing him or the grandchildren. And if they choose that then he needs to suck it up for his wife and child's sake and bid a sad farewell to the pil.

sell it, don't volunteer the info but if they ever ask say that stuff wasn't really for us, thanks. which doesn't sound like a problem as they won't talk to you. they sound bananas. keep control of your own life, get nice stuff for your own baby. encourage your dh to look at why he won't disagree with them and the hold they have over him. thank your lucky stars that they don't leave the house.

take it and sell it for god sake. my MIl had a lovley time with her mother buying a pram for us - all my friends who had help from GP gave them the money to choose...

We told her to take it back then asked for a contribution to a pram we wanted...needless to say she was mortally offended = told her friends we " ordered" HER TO take the pram back....and did not contribute to the one we wanted/needed due to space.

I do not talk to her AT ALL now, we have no 2 on the way and I wish we had taken her pram and sold it to get one we wanted or a seperate one...as the one we got was cheap - did hte job brilliantly - but we need a new pram now!

Your in a very difficult situ, they are horrid to you - your DP doesnt support you - so you do what you want and dont worry about what they want, they are NOT worrying about what you want!

my FIl kept going on and on and on about this crappy car seat they brpught for a visiting friends child as a temp thing....

it drove me MAD. he was like a relentless bull dozer...have this - save your pennies etc....

I think it will give you some pleasure to gracisouly acept from DP and then sell!

IF you do make up in the future " well of course, I had to sell it - it was FAR too big for our house and car - didnt DP tell you ? "

"Oh what a shame - we said we would sell anyting you gave you that didnt suit our needs - sorry - perhaps if we had been talking at the time this mis understanding wouldnt have happened..."

I would flog it without another thought. Call me mercenary, I wouldn't care, they have made it clear that you are nothing to them and they nothing to you. So why bother about the morality of it or their feelings?

softly tbf your experience is different. It is cultural which can at least be addressed/reasoned with. Someone just saying she insulted our xmas tree is bonkers.

Also i presume your DH's family had other people around them and they hadn't banned everyone - including 2 children already - for other ridiculous/imagined slights. And you DH had not had a childhood conditioned to deal with it in almost a psychologically torturous way.

But i do take what you say on board. However, he is not going to demand that we all have a relationship and tbh i don't even want one with them anymore.

And i have never said my child would go to visit them if i am not welcome - that simply is not going to happen. He knows this for definite!

Well, then I think you need to stop worrying about being rude to people who are rude to you. You just tell DP it doesn't get discussed again, you don't use it and if he'd rather bring it here and he sells it, then fine, if not, he deals with it, be it either taking it and then going straight to the nearest charity shop with it, or dumping it, or not taking it. That's his problem, not yours, but you won't use the stuff they buy. so that's sorted and he's to stop discussing it with you and is to never suggest you use that stuff again.

You need to stop giving them head space, they don't like you, they do'nt care about your feelings, they don't really give a shit about the baby as if they did they'd be making an effort to at least be civil to you - in this situation why do you care if they think you are rude for not thanking them? (And how would you thank them if you're not allowed to talk to them?) Why do you care so much what they think about you? They don't matter.

i care for DP's sake. He is so hurt by it all.

If they just left it as it is i wouldn't care. But as is their M.O. they keep raising his hopes about 'accepting' me back, like it's some massive favour and shouldn't we both be grateful kind of thing.

They have said stuff to him which he seriously says to me (totally oblivious to how outrageous it sounds because he is trained not to question them and would do anything to keep peace), like when i had a head injury (3 months after all this) 'if Spuddy says it was because some form of brain damage and apologises then we might think about letting her visit again'. After spinal fluid was leaking out of my nose dp actually said 'well there might be a silver lining...' and told me their 'proposition'. to say i was angry was an under statement. But then he was upset with me as all he was doing was 'trying to find solutions'. Erm why!?

I think i read your previous post spuddy, are you the one where the granparents completely took over an bought lots of stuff including a cot and highchair etc so baby could stay at their house??

They did sound very odd and rude, your dp needs to take control and say 'No we already have 'x' thankyou' and if he cant do that then you have no choice but to either tell them yourself by phone, give them away or sell them.
When it is your 1st baby you want to choose everthing, its part of the nesting instinct and your chance to make choices for your unborn child so i see where you are coming from.

pumpkin They have never bought any stuff so the baby can stay at their house. They don't really like children tbh. They have bought a high chair and stuff tho, but that is for DP to bring back to ours.

Oh i see