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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To sell gifts?

100 replies

Spuddybean · 01/07/2012 07:54

Not really sure about this one as i feel funny about the whole situation, and am also really hormonal at 32wks pg.

(Some may remember my previous posts). Pils don't speak to or acknowledge me. But they have been buying up loads of second hand stuff for the baby. Small things i will accept (the odd outfit) but big things like the prams/cots etc I just can't bring myself to, as a) they aren't my choice and i know what i want/need, and b) i would feel wrong about using gifts from people who have been so unpleasant.

Anyway, I don't want to make the rift worse, so think a compromise would be to accept the gifts and say, 'thank you, but they aren't what we have chosen, so we will sell them and put the money towards what we actually want'.

When i say 'we' i really mean 'I' because DP doesn't give a shit what we have!

BUT, part of me thinks it's rude and grabby to accept gifts and sell them. And the Pils aren't very rational so this may be more of an insult in their eyes. DP is all for accepting them but when i said i didn't want to, his next suggestion is charity shop/tip. But that feels ruder and more wasteful to me.

So genuinely - wwyd? (and yes i know most of you will say leave the bastard, but what i mean is specifically in answer to whether it would be rude to sell or give away the gifts?)

OP posts:

VolAuVent · 01/07/2012 14:01

"I just think if i start accepting them i will literally have no say in anything my child has while they are alive. They are so completely overwhelming. It has not once occurred to them that i may want any kind of say in anything."

Your PILs have no right to be so controlling, buying all this stuff without even checking with you that you need/would like it. It's normal for parents to choose what to buy for their baby, so anyone else wanting to contribute more than perhaps one gift when baby is born should really ask. Sounds like this is another way to pretend you're not there, which is unacceptable. Your DP needs to learn how to support you so you don't feel so undermined.

Jins · 01/07/2012 14:04

Definitely sell what you can and bin the rest. You are under no obligation to use things you don't want just because they have been bought.

Think of it as a training exercise

dexter73 · 01/07/2012 14:07

I think you should sell the stuff they buy you. It is exciting to buy things for your first child and you should be allowed to do that and not let them have all the fun! If they never leave their house then they will probably never find out anyway. They do sound a bit odd to put it lightly.

ZebraLeg · 01/07/2012 14:13

Is there any way you can put all the stuff they've bought in the car and drop it all back off in their front garden? That way you aren't 'accepting' their gifts without acknowledgement

Figgygal · 01/07/2012 14:22

It does sound like your oh needs to man up and support u with the PILs.

What go you propose to do with the stuff when emigrate ? Surely it'll be tough to take it so why not use what they've given you until then and buy all your own things then?

MorrisZapp · 01/07/2012 14:25

Given that they won't leave their house, why don't you give them a wide berth? They can only be overwhelming to you on the phone presumably?

Original poster

Spuddybean · 01/07/2012 14:34

figgy we only intend to buy the essentials as and when we need it. Which is why we want the travel system we want. Not loads of different things - pram, pushchair, etc. i am not using the things they give me and that is not up for negotiation. We don't have the room at all.

Morris when i say overwhelming i mean the intensity of the amount of stuff they have bought - High chairs and stuff not needed for a year or 2. I don't ever speak to them on the phone. They text DP to check he is in and to be by the phone when they call in case i answer.

As they know we are emigrating i don't know why they keep buying it. When DP told them we were moving abroad their first response was 'we can have the stuff shipped'. DP is actually planning to let them ship stuff to another continent and then bin it, rather than say we don't want it.

It's denial of shocking proportions from all sides!

OP posts:

Inertia · 01/07/2012 14:43

I was going to suggest what Zebra said - just take it all back and put it outside their front door.

Your ILs are mad as a box of frogs, but your DH is the problem here. The fact that you had a head injury , and instead of worrying about you he was trying to use it as an excuse to his parents, makes me angry on your behalf.

Inertia · 01/07/2012 14:45

Sorry, DP.

yellowraincoat · 01/07/2012 14:45

Wow. Your partner sounds really messed up by this relationship.

Bunbaker · 01/07/2012 16:21

If they won't visit you, how about your partner doesn't collect the stuff in the first place?

Original poster

Spuddybean · 01/07/2012 16:34

Thanks for all the advice :) I have decided it's not too rude to sell it and give it away. It's hard not to see the issue thru 'normal' expectations of behaviour but i accept this is not a 'normal' relationship so i am not bound by normal codes.

DP is much better now, he is gradually coming to terms with things (the head injury thing was 2 yrs ago - but just an example of how their oddness manifests itself).

Personally i would deal with things head on, but this is his relationship so i will let him deal with it.

zebra they live miles away and i don't drive so i wouldn't be able to get it to them, also i think that would pretty much cause ww3 between me and DP.

bun as i said there is no way he wont get the stuff. He will visit them and they will give it to him. he would not refuse it - he would rather tip it than say no. If he said no there would be crying, phone calls, emails etc and even possible disowning.

OP posts:

VolAuVent · 01/07/2012 16:57

"this is not a 'normal' relationship so i am not bound by normal codes."

That's it in a nutshell I think :)

elizaregina · 01/07/2012 17:27

its really rude to your own parents - too - tell them not to buy x y z, what about your own parents buying enjoyment! i think people - pil over react like this when they know they are grasping at straws. good luck! dont let them take up brain space now you have decided on a course of action....enjoy this part....

Shelby2010 · 01/07/2012 17:27

Why don't you sell the stuff & spend some of the money on things you want.

The rest of the money you spend on 'presents' for them...... think hideous lamps, old toasters and teapots etc. If the conversation ever happens you can say that you saw an advert offering ££££ for the very model pram they had sent & were able to buy the one you saw at a discount & spent the difference on 'thank you' presents for them.

Thus beating them at bargain hunting, filling their house with tat & pretending to be nice at the same time!

Original poster

Spuddybean · 01/07/2012 17:39

HA! shelby i could never out tat them. Their house is massive (think large home on a private country estate), they also have huge storage barns, garages etc. Every single part is filled with chod. They buy things and convince themselves they are going to resell it at a massive profit as everyone else is a fool and only they are 'antique' savvy.

When i was welcome there they would go thru the crap with me proudly showing me some plastic Next jewellery (complete with tags) that they had bought for a quid and say they were going to sell it at auction for £50 because it was 'vintage'...apparently.

Yes eliza my mum agrees, they have given me £200 towards the travel system of our choice (which i told DP we would have to give back if we accepted Pils shite). Which i consider much more normal.

At least Pils make my parents look remotely normal! which is an amazing feat in itself :)

Anyway thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to advise me. I find MN a really good way of sorting my thoughts.

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 01/07/2012 18:04

Why will your DH insist on accepting the items despite your misgivings? Your pil's might be awful, but he's not exactly a staunch ally, is he?
"Dp has stated in no uncertain terms he is going to accept them".
You are getting no more respect from him than you get from his parents.

elizaregina · 01/07/2012 18:15

spud

the ROOT of all this is DPs Fear of being cut off from his parents.

I think ultimalty you need to address this fear....yes they have cut others off - but they too may not want to loose the last child they have contact with either.

TBH some form of therapy to get him to adress thier behaviour- he isnt free.....he is living in fear.....

sometimes cutting people off is actually very good! some people change, some become more humble and accepting and some dont....

he needs to reslove his fear problem even with you emigrating....you still take problems with you!

i know if you both went to relate - they would be saying to HIM look to times he has been strong and put his foot down with them, AND to set boundaires with them, even if that means you cutting them off - for a while...

Original poster

Spuddybean · 01/07/2012 18:18

flogging his point is they are bonkers, i am not. He can accept the gifts and chuck them and they would be none the wiser. I do not have to take them. I do not have to be involved at all. So how does it affect me when 'he is the one in the middle'.

No matter what happens they are his parents and if he loses contact with them they lose any kind of contact with reality.

OP posts:

Original poster

Spuddybean · 01/07/2012 18:24

I agree eliza but sadly he will not even discuss it rationally. Everytime we talk about it we get slightly further but it is a very slow process.

Yesterday we had the closest thing we have had to a row about it. I said what's the worst that could happen that would be any worse that this? That surely some kind of confrontation may clear the air etc. But no. He has seen this happen repeatedly. He never knew his gp's or relatives because every single person who ever said anything they don't like to them is banned. (and by don't like i mean not eating pork or battery eggs).

He would never consider any kind of therapy.

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 01/07/2012 18:24

Ah, ok. God, your last sentence is quite chilling if he loses contact with them they lose any kind of contact with reality
He's got a hard road ahead, hasn't he? . Good luck to you both, hope things go as smoothly as possible.

CaliforniaLeaving · 01/07/2012 18:32

Spuddy you are between a rock and a hard place. I hope you can come to some agreement with your Dh about what to do with all the crap they send.
Your Dh really does need to have a heart to heart with his disowned siblings and know what kind of behavior the parents are capable of.
My own MIL only speaks to one of her three children too, long and weird history and controlling behavior, she has never even met my younger two children, she remarried twice to men we never knew and now lives many miles away. Dh cut her off and he's a much happier person for it.

holyfishnets · 01/07/2012 18:37

I'd accept and say thankyou but then sell on the quiet. Not say anything. If they pass comment, explain that you have always wanted xxxx version of cot and you actually sold thier cot and put money towards your cot

Original poster

Spuddybean · 01/07/2012 18:37

As far as i know california DP's siblings have not had contact for a long time, i think Mil left them when they were 5 and 8. I don't think they could shed any more light on Pils behaviour than DP already has.

OP posts:

CaliforniaLeaving · 01/07/2012 21:00

i think Mil left them when they were 5 and 8.
What in hell could a 5 and 8 year old do to warrant that? Not a bloody thing. What horrible parents he has.
I really hope your Dh can break this cycle of crazy and not act this way towards his own children, maybe he needs to break free to be able to parent this baby in the way it needs and not follow their lead.

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