Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To sell gifts?

100 replies

Spuddybean · 01/07/2012 07:54

Not really sure about this one as i feel funny about the whole situation, and am also really hormonal at 32wks pg.

(Some may remember my previous posts). Pils don't speak to or acknowledge me. But they have been buying up loads of second hand stuff for the baby. Small things i will accept (the odd outfit) but big things like the prams/cots etc I just can't bring myself to, as a) they aren't my choice and i know what i want/need, and b) i would feel wrong about using gifts from people who have been so unpleasant.

Anyway, I don't want to make the rift worse, so think a compromise would be to accept the gifts and say, 'thank you, but they aren't what we have chosen, so we will sell them and put the money towards what we actually want'.

When i say 'we' i really mean 'I' because DP doesn't give a shit what we have!

BUT, part of me thinks it's rude and grabby to accept gifts and sell them. And the Pils aren't very rational so this may be more of an insult in their eyes. DP is all for accepting them but when i said i didn't want to, his next suggestion is charity shop/tip. But that feels ruder and more wasteful to me.

So genuinely - wwyd? (and yes i know most of you will say leave the bastard, but what i mean is specifically in answer to whether it would be rude to sell or give away the gifts?)

OP posts:
Original poster
Spuddybean · 01/07/2012 09:08

I suppose my point is their 'barkingness' shouldn't really alter what is the correct and right way to behave. I don't want to get into a bad behaviour pissing competition! (they would defo win).

Yes we are planning on emigrating within the next year.

i feel so sad for DP too. It is very stressful for him to lead this double life and keep us separate. And Pils are upping the ante with regards to odd behaviour.

OP posts:
maddening · 01/07/2012 09:10

why not freecycle or see if shelter would take them and pass them to needy families? That way they are helping people

Original poster
Spuddybean · 01/07/2012 09:11

Also i'm not being a snob i don't want everything new- DP and i went to an NCT sale and bought loads of stuff for the baby. it was exciting and bonding to run around together and it be our choices.

OP posts:
tabulahrasa · 01/07/2012 09:12

How someone behaves does change what is correct though...if they were lovely people buying things out of excitement and trying to be kind you then have an obligation to not hurt their feelings.

That obligation isn't there if they're horrendous.

Original poster
Spuddybean · 01/07/2012 09:15

Yes maddening i probably will, but i just think they will be even more cross with that than if we got something for it.

Also DP is now moaning about money being spent. We agreed on the travel system (uppababy vista) the other day. In fact it was more dp running around the shop trying them all out than me. But suddenly yeasterday he has said we can't have it. Oh and surprise surprise Pils have bought us a pram and a buggy so lets just use that - everyone's a winner. Erm, apart from me it seems.

:(

OP posts:
sugarandspite · 01/07/2012 09:18

Spuddy, although your PILs are clearly barking, in this case I do think the problem is your DH. He isn't working with you, supporting joint decisions and is actively making a joint problem for you as a couple into YOUR problem.

So how about a little experiment. Try making it HIS problem to sort. What might happen if you said to him 'do whatever you want with the stuff. Accept it / charity shop it / sell it / bin it / don't accept it - whatever you want. But it's not coming into the house and we won't be using it for the baby'

Then any consequences are his not yours and you have one less thing to worry about. What do you think?

JeezyPeeps · 01/07/2012 09:19

Spuddybean, there might just be a fault with the pram, though, don't you think? Even if it seemed fine initially....

HalleLouja · 01/07/2012 09:25

Your DP needs to stand up to them a bit. He needs to say that you have been researching what you want together and maybe they could give a donation if they want to help.

Original poster
Spuddybean · 01/07/2012 09:28

sugar he would love that. That's what he does with the other shite they keep giving 'us'. That is what he wants to do. When we discuss this he says how he deals with his parents is none of my business.

I am not sure if that is part of the problem tho. Maybe one of the reasons they don't like me is they are constantly sending gifts down and i never say thank you.

I am not rude tho and i hate to think of being so.

Also (and this is my pride) i really hate that they think our house is full of their choices. That they will smugly think that i have had so little principle to accept gifts from people who insult me. That they would think i can be bought - oblivious to the fact i have never seen the stuff.

I know it sounds weird but i don't want them thinking i happily/greedily accept the stuff, don't have the decency to say thank you and that in doing so i am vindicating their behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spuddybean · 01/07/2012 09:29

Sadly he wont halle so that is not an option.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spuddybean · 01/07/2012 09:36

Also the money is spent halle so their 'donation' has already gone to items of their choice. So the answer will be well we've bought it now and you haven't got yours yet.

They bought the pram the day DP told them - when i was 16 wks. Before i had even started looking. They have raced ahead and bought high chairs and things for it when it is 4 years old. I just think if i start accepting them i will literally have no say in anything my child has while they are alive. They are so completely overwhelming. It has not once occurred to them that i may want any kind of say in anything.

(they tried to choose -not pay for tho - our carpets and got incredibly offended when we said no we wanted something else. They even went as far to contact the carpet shop to tell them what to sell us)

OP posts:
Imisssleepingin · 01/07/2012 09:41

Just sell them, I wouldn't feel at all guilty about this, I think you are worrying too much really. You never see them so what does it matter.
It's like regifting presents. I have done this if I have 2 similar presents from friends, I will re-gift one. I really like these friends but I don't feel bad in anyway.
My ds got 2 presents does his birthday that he already had. We took them back to the shop and he is spending the money on something else.
You are over thinking this.

MildredIsMyAlterEgo · 01/07/2012 09:42

''Also DP is now moaning about money being spent. We agreed on the travel system (uppababy vista) the other day. In fact it was more dp running around the shop trying them all out than me. But suddenly yeasterday he has said we can't have it. Oh and surprise surprise Pils have bought us a pram and a buggy so lets just use that''

Oh dear, wouldn't it be awful if the pram and buggy were involved in some blowtorch related accident... Grin

Seriously, if it were me I would be telling DH that no way would I be using these items as they have been donated by his frankly barking mad parents who have no time or respect for me

Sounds like stress you could do without tbh, good luck with everything x

Original poster
Spuddybean · 01/07/2012 09:46

really imiss ? So if your Pils gave you a pram they wouldn't mind/you would feel no compunction about you just selling it? Would you tell them? I'm really interested. I think i would be a bit funny if someone did that tbh.

OP posts:
fuzzpig · 01/07/2012 09:56

Horrible situation and I don't think you sound ungrateful at all. It is not nice to be railroaded into accepting something you don't want or need especially without DH backing you up. I had that a lot as a child with my parents (hoarders - worse than me) making me accept anything that certain people offered me, and would then tell me off for not using whatever it is Hmm :(

I think you should tell them explicitly "we do not want x" and then if they insist you can sell it. As you will have warned them, and they had an opportunity to take it back themselves. You'd be putting the onus on them.

DontmindifIdo · 01/07/2012 09:58

You know what, I think you needto have a strong few words with your DP, he is not acting well in all this. He knows you won't accept this stuff, so rather than dealing with his problem with his parents, he is making it your problem. If he can't tell his parents "no" then he has to be the one to deal with it, you have made your position clear, you won't use the stuff they have bought. Now why is he insisting you will because he won't stand up to them?

Tell him again, you wont use the buggy or pram they have bought, you will therefore need to buy one for you to use. He should stop bringing this issue up with you. He can refuse to take the stuff from his parents house. He should tell them that you have bought your own and won't need it. It's his insistance on accepting this stuff that is causing your problem. they can't make him remove it from their house. They can't make him bring it to your home. If they won't go to your house, then you aren't risking them dumping it on you. Tell him he doesn't bring it into your home, what he says to them is up to him.

If he does decide to take it and dump it on the way home to you, ok, but he doesn't tell you about any of it ever again. He also needs to know that if you do ever talk to them again, you won't lie and you will say you never recieved it.

HalleLouja · 01/07/2012 09:58

Not that it matters but which travel system did they buy?

If they keep buying things then there is obviously room for a donation. I would sell them if you don't want them. You weren't consulted. I do think your DP needs to grow some balls.

DontmindifIdo · 01/07/2012 10:03

Also, this has been going on for some time, your DP seems to be keeping on at you to accept it, he obviously thinks you being forced to do something you don't want to is better than telling his parents they can't do something they want to. I think you've been too reasonable and accomodating. Obviously he's used to doing whatever it takes to stop his parents stropping up (if he's the only one not banned from their home), he's so used to just doing what it takes to keep them calm he's not stopped to think that actually upsetting other people is not ok just because the other person won't ban him from their life.

sugarandspite · 01/07/2012 10:04

Well spud if it were me (and I also have horrendous PILs) I would let DH get on with managing them and their shit however he wants to and work at just ignoring it. I think what matters most is finding a path that protects your marriage and that might be the best way.

I also think you need to remember that you are dealing with people who are not normal and do not operate within the bounds of normal behaviour. So the usual rules don't apply. Why would you thank people who refuse to speak to you for gifts you don't want? And if that pisses them off, so what? Given they had a melt down over a Christmas tree, you simply can't win. So just do what suits you best.

And as for the thing about believing they are smug thinking your house is full of their crap? Well let 'em. You know it isn't and if they cared enough to have a relationship with you then they would know that too. But they can (and will) think whatever they like.

Im sorry though spud and hope you can limit the impact this has on the excitement of your pregnancy. Have you figured out how it will be when baby is here?

Original poster
Spuddybean · 01/07/2012 10:07

Yes dontmind that's the agreement we already came to yesterday. But as i said i feel terrible that they think i have accepted it and never thanked them, or that i am so easily bought.

DP feels i am causing the problem here. I said i am the only one powerless in this situation They are causing it, he is choosing to perpetuate it and i just have to suck it up.

It's always the way, the most reasonable person gets the blame because they don't cause a fuss.

halle apparently they have bought a mamas and papas pram. Don't think it's the whole travel system. It's from the charity shop so i have no idea what state it's in either.

OP posts:
sugarandspite · 01/07/2012 10:08

Agree with dontmind too

Original poster
Spuddybean · 01/07/2012 10:10

sugar yes i agree, what do you mean 'how it will be when the baby is here' tho?

OP posts:
fuzzpig · 01/07/2012 10:11

Sorry just read thread properly Blush and it sunk in you don't actually speak to them. Maybe that is to your advantage. It is THEIR fault they don't speak to you, yes? So they are not giving you the chance to refuse it, are they? So as long as you've done your bit to tell DH you DO NOT WANT THE BLOODY STUFF then it is really not your fault, it is DH's fault if he still accepts it.

Original poster
Spuddybean · 01/07/2012 10:11

Yes dontmind you are right. Sadly tho he feels they may ban him if he does anything to displease them. It is very upsetting.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 01/07/2012 10:14

I'd sell the lot or give it away if it couldn't be sold on.

Just wondering though - who are the two children that your DP hasn't seen anything of? Are they his children?