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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 'my treat' doesn't mean don't contribute anything?

85 replies

Eggrules · 30/06/2012 08:53

My friend is a sahm and in her case this means money is tight. There is a show we both would love to see. After a wine or two I rashly said let's go my treat. I mentioned dinner and the concert. She still lives in the city we grew up in. She won't leave her DC with her DH and doesn't like to socialise on nights out/away. I was surprised and pleased when she said she would like to come here so I said I would spring for a hotel.

She has sent a text asking 'what should I do about travel?' Shock

She drives and she could buy a very reasonable advance ticket for the train (£11 return). She has does have some spare cash. She is off to the cinema and has gallery tickets (about £20 each I think). If this was the other way around, I would expect to contribute something. I would pay for drinks and breakfast.

AIBU in expecting my friend to pay for her own travel? Confused
Should I have expectations regarding a contribution?

OP posts:
Gumby · 30/06/2012 08:55

Perhaps she just meant how are you both getting there?

savoycabbage · 30/06/2012 08:56

Does she not mean the practicalities of it rather than the cost?

hillyhilly · 30/06/2012 08:58

I think if she can, then she should pay for her own travel, I'd send a reply suggesting that she bring the car and park at xxxxx (sonewhere cheap) or that you can meet her off the train.
I think that if money is tight, and you have said my treat, then you shouldnt be expecting a contribution towards dinner, breakfast etc although if it was me I'd use my last £ to at least buy a drink or coffee

nkf · 30/06/2012 09:00

I have no idea what she means or what she should do but if she's broke then train fare might be a problem.

CasperGutman · 30/06/2012 09:01

I'd just text her back saying something like "I'm getting the train/driving/whatever, I'll be arriving around X o'clock in the morning/afternoon. There are some great advance deals on train tickets/the best route to drive would be X/there's free parking at the hotel" etc. as appropriate.

If I was meeting a friend for a weekend away I'd probably text them to ask about getting there, just to coordinate things. It wouldn't mean I expected them to sort it out for me, but there's no point getting there hours before anyone else. I think the best thing would be to assume this is what she means and reply along those lines. This will let her know you're not expecting to pay for her travel, if she thought that was a possibility.

Original poster
Eggrules · 30/06/2012 09:02

Sorry - we talked last night about the change of venue and I asked if she wanted me to see if I could arrange parking when I booked the hotel. I searched train times and she decided that was a better option. I agreed to meet her at the destination train station. We agreed lunchtime would be a good time but I left it up to her because I know she is anxious about leaving the DC.

In that context what does 'what should I do about travel?' mean?

OP posts:
OneHandFlapping · 30/06/2012 09:02

I think seeing as you are swallowing the costs of a meal, show and hotel, the £11 for her travel is not very much more. Unless your friend is known for her long pockets and short arms, I'd pay for this little bit as well, and remind myself to be more explicit in future. "My treat" is a bit vague as to what's included.

DeckSwabber · 30/06/2012 09:04

It seems a bit much to expect you to pay her travel as well as concert and hotel. Do you think she might have meant something else with that text (ie not payment)?

Do you think her DH has objected to her going? You say it is unusual for her to go out or to leave her children with her husband (although she is going to the cinema... ).

Have you already booked and paid?

I wouldn't want to stump up for her travel either so parhaps you could airily reply that whatever way she travels if fine by you and suggest a meeting point for either car or train.

Original poster
Eggrules · 30/06/2012 09:04

Sorry again for leaving out vital information.

Also the change of venue was her choice - it would be cheaper to go to her city and therefore not need a hotel.

OP posts:
fireice · 30/06/2012 09:05

I think that it is reasonable for you to expect her to get herself to the venue.

nkf · 30/06/2012 09:07

"My treat" is vague. You either need to clear it up or just suck up the £11. If the £11 is too much and sometimes people are so broke that amount is a problem, then you need to decide if you will spring for travel too. Can you afford it? Also, you are paying for concert, dinner and hotel, right? Is the £11 financialy too much for you or is there some principle at stake?

melika · 30/06/2012 09:08

Sometimes, you really have to spell it out to people,

'I'm paying for your show and meal!'

I think you are a lovely person for doing this for your friend.

ZZZenAgain · 30/06/2012 09:09

An adult should not be freeloading like that. It is as if she were a teenager and you were her mother. I would cancel the whole thing.

gettingeasier · 30/06/2012 09:14

what onehand said

hopenglory · 30/06/2012 09:14

Just ask her what she means, in a conversation rather than by text. Otherwise you ( and we) are just guessing. You could be getting cross with her for no reason.

ladyinthelibrary · 30/06/2012 09:14

Text her "What do you mean?"

FateLovesTheFearless · 30/06/2012 09:18

She is your friend isn't she? Just say you are happy to pay for xyz can she pay her travel?

Original poster
Eggrules · 30/06/2012 09:19

It is the principle. She asked to change the venue and I agreed to pay hotel.

Whilst money is tight, she can afford occasional treats. Her DH has a very expensive hobby - another story and her business. She has said he has to agreed babysit - his own DC FFS.

I agree 'my treat' was vague. We were in a vague state when it was originally discussed.

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 30/06/2012 09:23

well you offered so far to pay for the tickets, the hotel and a meal which I think is very generous. She is an adult, she should be able to manage the money they have in a manner that enables her to pay for her travel, breakfast, incidentals at the very least really.

You could say if cost is an issue, you will change venue which means you are paying for her show ticket and a meal and she is paying for anything else she needs in relation to the trip. If she still cannot manage it, then I would say that's a shame, never mind and call it off.

Spatsky · 30/06/2012 09:28

I thiknk "my treat" could be interpreted as paying for the whole experience. I personally would not be texting asking about travel, I would just pay to get there but money may be tight enough for her that it does make a difference.

If she is a SAHM with no income of her own then it doesn't matter how much her husband earns or what expensive hobbbies he has / spare cash they have if he controls it and doesn't want to dish it out...

Collaborate · 30/06/2012 09:32

Hmm at her H "babysitting" his own children. Thought it's called looking after them when they're you're own.

TerraNotSoFirma · 30/06/2012 09:34

Sorry, I think discussing a trip and then saying 'my treat' is offering to treat her to the whole thing.

Original poster
Eggrules · 30/06/2012 09:35

No answer so I sent a text. 'Eh? Are you still on Wine Island? I though you were getting the train? Let me know when you get the ticket so I know what time to meet. If you change your mind and want to bring the car, I'll ask the hotel about parking'.

I haven't mentioned cost of travel because I didn't agree to pay. I agreed to pay for dinner and the tickets. When she asked to come here, I also agreed to pay for a hotel - it is too far to get back to my house that night.

I agree it would be better to talk. I wanted to canvas opinion about what others thought 'my treat' meant. I think for some people it means 'I'll pay for absolutely everything'.

She manages their money and gets out their spends. In her view her DH deserves more money and free time because he works. Whatever floats your boat. I think she could easily get together £11 in the next eight weeks.

OP posts:
JumpingThroughHoops · 30/06/2012 09:36

What was the context of the original conversation though? "my treat" being the tickets? which then got upgraded to a hotel too?

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 30/06/2012 09:40

I think my treat I would only expect the tickets to be honest I would not expect you to pay for dinner. You'll have to ask her as everyone is giving you different answers!