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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 'my treat' doesn't mean don't contribute anything?

85 replies

Eggrules · 30/06/2012 08:53

My friend is a sahm and in her case this means money is tight. There is a show we both would love to see. After a wine or two I rashly said let's go my treat. I mentioned dinner and the concert. She still lives in the city we grew up in. She won't leave her DC with her DH and doesn't like to socialise on nights out/away. I was surprised and pleased when she said she would like to come here so I said I would spring for a hotel.

She has sent a text asking 'what should I do about travel?' Shock

She drives and she could buy a very reasonable advance ticket for the train (£11 return). She has does have some spare cash. She is off to the cinema and has gallery tickets (about £20 each I think). If this was the other way around, I would expect to contribute something. I would pay for drinks and breakfast.

AIBU in expecting my friend to pay for her own travel? Confused
Should I have expectations regarding a contribution?

OP posts:
Original poster
Eggrules · 30/06/2012 11:30

Gibbous my DF decided not to go back to work after maternity leave 5 years ago. I can totally understand why she chose to stay at home with her DC. Her Dh isn't well paid and so it must seem like we are rolling in it. She has a massive amount of babysitting support from her parents.

Before my DS started school we paid an extortionate amount in childcare. Now we don't have that massive expense, we feel relatively flush.

OP posts:
Laquitar · 30/06/2012 11:46

YANBU and you have been very generous.

The problem is that even you sort it out now, you sound a bit angry (justified imo) with her so are you going to enjoy it?

I will be your friend and i'll pay the train if you pay the concert, hotel, dinner, drinks, breakfast Wink

Gibbous · 30/06/2012 11:57

My friend, before she started working recently (didn't start on the career ladder until late 30s), thought that I was rolling in it and made remarks to this end. I wasn't (and am still not) badly off due to working full time for 12 years but still struggle, obvs.

She now realises on a similar wage to me that it's just as tough, despite having extra on top from new live in partner. It's a frustrating blind spot for some people that can cause resentment, be upfront and straight with her to avoid any negative feelings, whether you know they won't ultimately affect your friendship or not.

Gibbous · 30/06/2012 11:58

*her new live in partner.

Original poster
Eggrules · 30/06/2012 12:01

I am a bit annoyed but will be able to sort it out with her.

From her perspective she is probably thinking that if I can easily afford it, I should pay. From mine it is churlish and ungrateful to expect me to pay travel and teh hotel because she wants to change the venue.

As others have said my treat can be taken to mean I'll pay for absolutely everything. In my defence It was said whilst under the influence - I could have cancelled.

Nowt as strange as folk - even ones you have known forever.

OP posts:
Original poster
Eggrules · 30/06/2012 12:09

Laquitar - you have been brought up nicely. Sounds like a plan.

Gibbous - you are right and we can talk. I was blindsided by this small meanness (imo). Things aren't so tough, but my DH and I both work really hard to afford treats. I am not independently wealthy. Her financial situation isn't likely to change in the near to medium future.

Thanks for the advice. No more Chablis for me Wink

OP posts:
Gibbous · 30/06/2012 12:13

Maybe Tesco Basics Chardonnay will make you less inappropriately generous and save some pennies into the bargain! Good luck, keep us posted.

Original poster
Eggrules · 30/06/2012 12:57

It was half price Chablis (from Tesco)

Also she is late for everything (and unlikely to ever change). There is a very good chance that she will mix the cheaper pre-booked train.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 30/06/2012 13:11

I don't think the fact that it's only £11 is the issue, tbh.
"My treat" to most people would be the actual tickets themselves, and if you explicitly said you'd spring for a hotel, then obviously that too.
It's incredibly rude to then play dumb and ask "what will I do about travel", it could only be a roundabout way of asking if you're covering this too. If she genuinely coudn't stretch to this, she should have been upfront and said so, instead of guilting you into paying it too. It's disingenuous and sneaky.

Gibbous · 30/06/2012 13:14

Agree with Flogging. And don't worry I wasn't being all disapproving of your wine choice!

FarrowAndBollock · 30/06/2012 13:24

I think you need to set some boundries here as it doesn't sound as though she appreciates what you are offering or how hard you work to afford it. I would say that you need to budget too and have worked out that the tickets, hotel and travel are going to come to an awful lot, so sorry, it will have to be in home town.

ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 30/06/2012 13:27

It's a bit open to interpretation really...if she said she was far too broke and couldn't afford it, and you then offered to pay by saying "my treat"...saying you'd also pay for a hotel as well...it's not a major stretch for her to have just assumed you meant pay for the whole thing.

ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 30/06/2012 13:31

I'd like to add I do think you're being very generous...it could just be down to a misunderstanding.

Rachaelboo · 30/06/2012 14:58

'my treat' does mean you will be footing the bill. However if you said that to me and was going to pay everything I would feel bad and only go if I could afford to contribute something. If you was paying more than me I would offer to treat you another time when I was a bit more flush.

I think you have to be careful about saying these things loosely as some people do take things literally especially if they are piss takers. My gosh there is a lot of them about and if you ever mutter those words to them they will never offer a contribution or to treat you, there too selfish for that.

I think now it has got to the nitty gritty because your friend is one of those takers in life. You was hoping she would contribute something at least when you offered it as your treat. It would bother me that and show me who she really was and it would niggle me when quibbling about a train ticket when your paying everything else. Did you not know what she's like, you've know her 30years??
Tbh I think you should cancel it because you won't feel happy now she's complaining about the ticket. Maybe just change it for a drink/food out then don't offer again.

Supercalafraj · 30/06/2012 15:08

Erm is she on MN? What if she recognises herself from your post?

GiserableMitt · 30/06/2012 15:19

Erm is she on MN? What if she recognises herself from your post?

Then she'll know what she should do about travel :)

EllenParsons · 30/06/2012 15:28

Wow you are generous - by "my treat" I would have understood that is just the tickets! Amazed you are paying her hotel tbh. She sounds a bit cheeky and taking advantage asking for her train ticket and everything but maybe just be clearer in future!

cormsilky · 30/06/2012 15:36

I think she is being cheeky. Some folks get so used to other people paying for stuff when they aren't working that they just grow to expect it I've found.

ZZZenAgain · 30/06/2012 15:39

if she is on MN and reads the thread I think it would be a very good thing

VolAuVent · 30/06/2012 15:41

'What should I do about travel?' means that she isn't sure whether you wanted to treat her to everything in the day. She'd be quite happy to buy her own ticket but is checking subtly what you intended, as she doesn't want to offend you by chucking part of your offer back in your face IYSWIM.

ENormaSnob · 30/06/2012 15:49

I think she's a cheeky mare tbh.

Original poster
Eggrules · 30/06/2012 17:16

I meant miss the train (not mix it).

Erm is she on MN? What if she recognises herself from your post? oh well. A few people have agreed that 'my treat' means 100% of all costs are met.

I am clearly not perfect. Well I have learnt that I am conditionally generous. Starter, main course, dessert AND wine would all be totally fine.

OP posts:
SundaeGirl · 30/06/2012 20:07

'my treat' surely just means the tickets, and hotel at a stretch! What, is she expecting you to buy interval drinks as well. FGS.

I took a friend out to dinner recently, 'my treat', and would have been astonished if she'd also asked me for change for the bus or handed me a taxi receipt. Astonished.

EduStudent · 30/06/2012 22:50

I think for me if you were trave lying together, I'd possibly think that 'my treat' would imply you'd pay for travel, but travelling separately, which from what I gather you are, then I would assume I would make my own way there.

HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 30/06/2012 23:47

I'm wondering if you regularly pay for things for her,OP? I say this because I have a friend who always claims to be very poor and we got into the habit of me always paying for drinks or lunch when we were out. At first she would buy, say, some sweets for the DCs, but over time it got so that she just expected me to foot the bill each time and stopped even thanking me. We would arrive at soft play and she would just sit there looking at the drink menu hinting that she wanted her drink. I feel your friends behaviour is comparable to that.

I would make it crystal clear to her that she will have to pay her train costs. Then once you're there if she won't pay for anything just chalk it up to experience and make this the end of the 'treating'. Try not to let the resentment prevent you from enjoying your weekend away. Some people are just takers and have no qualms about freeloading from others!